Do these paragraphs flow? + passive vs. active examples

In an hour’s time, the entire family and I began our four hour trek to Las Vegas, where you’d been airlifted from your hotel room in Bullhead City. Flash flood warnings were reported as low as Fontana extending all the way up to the state line, almost our entire course - but we weren’t going to let that stop us from getting to you. I sat in the backseat as memories of you and I heightened, I couldn’t fight back the imminent stream of tears.

I recalled the times you’d call for mom from down the hall, hollering for her to come see the stash of Avon you’d stored in the hall closet. “Paaaaaty, come here!” you’d sing, your voice traveling down the hall into the dining room and out the back door. The late afternoon sun barely filling the hallway where you’d sit digging into the back of the closet for the latest shampoo or bubble bath.

And then there were the trips we’d take to Pic ‘N’ Save. We’d scour the toy isle, looking for something fun.

“Anything to keep you kids entertained,” you’d say.

I’d return to the porch to squish silly putty over the funnies, or play with the blow-loons you’d just bought for me. You’d holler for me to come eat lunch, another one of your peanut butter and butter sandwiches. I must have eaten a million of those growing up.

Click to expand...

maestrowork said:

Also, avoid using passive voice if you can.

Click to expand...

maestrowork said:

Both (bolded) are passive voice.

This would be active voice:

Click to expand...

Bufty said:

This opening doesn't feel right to me - I feel as if I'm going forward, then backwards and then back even farther - is it just me?

Click to expand...

FennelGiraffe said:

Jennifer, in another thread I suggested rewriting the second sentence as:

Flash flood warnings were reported from Fontana to the state line--almost our entire course--but we weren’t going to let that stop us from getting to you.​

At the time, I left the passive voice ('were reported') as is because I thought this was a halfway reasonable (or at least not horrible) use of it, and because you had so many other questions I didn't want to pile on.

However, now that I see it in context, I've changed my mind. You have two passive voice sentences in the same paragraph. That's a lot. The first one, 'you'd been airlifted', doesn't flow well when rephrased to active voice, and it isn't important to tell who did the airlifting. Also, it's a common expression. I think it's better off staying passive.

That means the second one really should be fixed. Doing so gracefully requires major surgery. Perhaps something like:

Almost our entire route--from Fontana to the state line--was under flash flood warnings, but we weren’t going to let that stop us from getting to you.​

I agree with other posters that 'heightened' isn't the right word for memories. You've been given some good suggestions, but I'd like to point out that you have an opportunity here to use some linking imagery. There is the external, actual flood, and it is also common to talk about a flood of memories and a flood of tears. Obviously, you can't repeat the word 'flood' that many times, but you can use related words. Actually, 'stream of tears' is already doing so. (Did you think of this, or was it a coincidence?). I would suggest replacing 'heightened' with 'engulfed me' or 'swept over me' or 'flowed into my mind'.

Again, other posters have already explained that 'memories of you and I' is incorrect; it needs to be 'memories of you and me'. However, I think a simple 'memories of you' would read even better.

My suggestion is something like this (also note I split the run-on sentence into two):

I sat in the backseat as memories of you swept over me. I couldn’t fight back the imminent stream of tears.
​

Click to expand...