Traditionally Published Book on Asexuality

juliesondra · May 20, 2013

Oh cool, I found the QUILTBAG forum.

I've written a nonfiction book about asexuality, and I'm aiming to get it traditionally published because the only traditionally published one is a textbook. So obviously asexual people, questioning people, and loved ones of asexual people aren't going to find that at the bookstore. (Which, you know, reinforces the popular conception that asexual people don't exist.) So I decided I would be one of the best people to write one from an asexual point of view.

I'm in the process of securing agent representation for the book. Even though I've got a tentative draft completed, it's obviously far from a final product; publishers buy books for the idea and the marketability of the author, not just the writing, so it's sure to be developed further after feedback. So. . . .

I figured I'd ask you lovely people a question. There is a section in the book called "If you're asexual (or think you might be)." And there is another section in the book called "If someone you know is asexual (or might be)."

If you were picking this book up in a store, what would you want those sections to say?

I already have a good idea, of course, of what people ask and what people assume and what asexual people are going through. But even though the draft has been through a large (60+ people) volunteer test audience, I think it was mostly asexual people volunteering, so I want to get some additional opinions. The other chapters in the book discuss what asexuality is, what our relationships can be like, particulars of our identity, and resources, so the basics are covered, but the other day my sister pointed out that some people will probably turn directly to one of those two sections, and maybe only buy the book or read the rest if their questions are answered.

I'm especially interested in the opinions of anyone who identifies as LGBT or queer because asexual people often seek community connections in groups dedicated to gender/sexuality minorities, so those perspectives might be particularly relevant.

Thank you!

juliesondra · May 21, 2013

Update: Was offered representation today.

Gale Haut · May 21, 2013

juliesondra said:
If you were picking this book up in a store, what would you want those sections to say?

I'd love to help you, but you'll have to be more specific. Those sections of your book sound like the kind of thing a person would generally have no solid expectations for--only unanswered questions. I personally don't know what the topics would be addressing but if I read it I'd be hopeful that they would educate me without making me feel like a bad person for being ignorant in the first place.

juliesondra · May 21, 2013

That's good to know--that a tone that doesn't talk down to you or scold you would be appreciated. (I've already taken care to avoid that, because after all, if someone's picking up the book, they theoretically want to know more!)

I can't really "be more specific" because it is an open-ended question. Someone tells you "I'm asexual!" And instead of subjecting that person to all your questions, you go to the bookstore to find a book on the topic, and you find mine. You see a chapter entitled "If Someone You Know is Asexual (Or Might Be)," and you hope it will answer your questions. So my question is . . . what ARE those questions? What do people wonder? What do they want to be reassured of, and what are they coming into the game believing about asexuality? Those are questions I can't answer myself because I've only been on the asexual side of the fence. I've got a lot of volunteers throwing me suggestions, though, so it's fine if no one has any to bring up at this point. Both chapters are already written. I just hope to not miss anything major.

Celia Cyanide · May 21, 2013

juliesondra said:
Update: Was offered representation today.

Congratulations! Was it for this book? I assume it isn't finished yet?

A question I would have is...what scientific studies have been done about asexuality?

juliesondra · May 21, 2013

Cool, thank you Celia, that is a good point. I do have scientific studies listed in the resources section of the book, and now I know that some people might be hoping to see some scientific backup that the orientation has been studied (it has! lots! there's even a textbook!) so I will know to point them.

Yes, I was offered representation for this book. Nonfiction books are normally sold on the proposal, so I don't have to be finished, but a draft of the whole book is complete; the agent who offered may not even read the full book (though she has read a couple sample chapters and likes my writing, and thinks it's an appropriate tone for the rest of it).

I already had a fiction agent since last year. That book is still on submission.

Kim Fierce · May 21, 2013

I don't know much about asexuality myself. From what very little I do know, I guess there are some people who are asexual who don't want a relationship at all, yet some people who are asexual who do want a relationship. I guess I would want to know more about an asexual relationship would work . . . but then again, it would still be a romantic partnership much like any other I suppose. What are other ways asexual people find intimacy, in friends and in love?

cornflake · May 21, 2013

juliesondra said:
That's good to know--that a tone that doesn't talk down to you or scold you would be appreciated. (I've already taken care to avoid that, because after all, if someone's picking up the book, they theoretically want to know more!)

I can't really "be more specific" because it is an open-ended question. Someone tells you "I'm asexual!" And instead of subjecting that person to all your questions, you go to the bookstore to find a book on the topic, and you find mine. You see a chapter entitled "If Someone You Know is Asexual (Or Might Be)," and you hope it will answer your questions. So my question is . . . what ARE those questions? What do people wonder? What do they want to be reassured of, and what are they coming into the game believing about asexuality? Those are questions I can't answer myself because I've only been on the asexual side of the fence. I've got a lot of volunteers throwing me suggestions, though, so it's fine if no one has any to bring up at this point. Both chapters are already written. I just hope to not miss anything major.

Are you a psychologist or psychiatrist? I'd presume something like 'if you think you might be ...' would have specifics from a professional explaining. The 'if you know someone...' I'd think would, well, have much the same. Explanation of specifics, statistics, what things mean in particular and how someone may have become or realized they were whatever sexuality, like explanations of what the genesis might be, population, specific issues that someone may have, etc.

juliesondra · May 21, 2013

Kim Fierce said:
I guess I would want to know more about an asexual relationship would work . . .

Great! I do have an entire section elsewhere in the book entitled "Asexual Relationships," and it goes into quite a lot of detail on how different kinds of asexual relationships work. I think maybe in the "if you're asexual" section I can assure worried asexuals that they don't have to give up hope of finding a partner, and in the "if you know someone who's asexual" section I can just briefly make people aware that asexual relationships (romantic and otherwise) are as varied as every other orientation's relationships are, while mentioning where they can find more details elsewhere in the book. Good to know this is something some might wonder right off the bat.

cornflake said:
Are you a psychologist or psychiatrist?

No. I minored in psychology, but I am not in the profession.

cornflake said:
I'd presume something like 'if you think you might be ...' would have specifics from a professional explaining.

It's not an academic book. A textbook entitled Understanding Asexuality already exists, and it does discuss the subject from a professional's perspective. This book deals with identity more subjectively, since it's a subjective experience, and describes people who aren't feeling sexual attraction. Based on someone else's suggestion I plan to point out that the orientation has been studied by scientists and where they can find resources to read those papers. But my book has a conversational tone. (It's not a diagnosis--not a medical condition--so it's not really discussed in the "science professional 'explains' what causes it" kind of way.)

cornflake said:
The 'if you know someone...' I'd think would, well, have much the same. Explanation of specifics, statistics, what things mean in particular and how someone may have become or realized they were whatever sexuality, like explanations of what the genesis might be, population, specific issues that someone may have, etc.

Those are very in-depth explorations that I do in some cases discuss in other sections of the book (e.g., population stats, identities and attitudes based on census data from the asexual community, struggles individuals face, misconceptions). People do of course "realize" they're asexual but they don't generally get "caused" to be asexual any more than they are "caused" to be gay, so maybe that's a distinction I should be sure to throw in in that section. Thank you!

Celia Cyanide · May 22, 2013

juliesondra said:
I can assure worried asexuals that they don't have to give up hope of finding a partner,

I guess that would be another question...why would you worry about finding a partner? Perhaps I don't know what asexual means.

juliesondra · May 22, 2013

Being asexual means you're not sexually attracted to anyone. It doesn't mean you can't have other feelings, so lots of asexual people want romantic partnerships or life partners even if they're not sexually attracted to them.

slhuang · May 22, 2013

Hi juliesondra! I'm very glad you're writing this book.

It's needed! Congrats on the representation.

I self-educated a lot on asexuality through blogs. I'm thinking about all the things I learned that helped me understand asexuality better, or reformed assumptions I didn't know I had -- and then later helped me talk to people about it, including friends who thought they might be. How about:

* The difference between between asexual and aromantic (and that someone can be one or the other, or both)
* The spectrum of asexuality (how one asexual person might enjoy the occasional self-induced orgasm and another might not be interested at all, how one asexual person might have romantic feelings, have a crush on someone, etc. but another may not experience those feelings, that one asexual person might be indifferent to sex and may be okay with engaging in it to please a partner whereas another may be actively disgusted by it, that sometimes asexual people enjoy other sexually-related activities like kissing and sometimes they don't like doing anything along that spectrum . . . etc.)
* That yes, asexual people can have healthy, fulfilling partnerships if they so desire
* That if asexual/aromantic people don't desire partnership, that doesn't mean they don't have loving, close relationships with plenty of people in their lives
* Perhaps most importantly: that asexuality is FINE, that it's an orientation like any other, that it's not caused by trauma or abuse, that there's absolutely nothing wrong with not enjoying sex even though lots of other people do, that sex isn't some be-all end-all of the human condition (as so often portrayed in cultural media . . .), and that in a perfect world if people mentioned they were asexual other people would shrug and say, "Oh, okay."
* Along that line, that asexual people are not "frigid" or "cold fish" or "don't know what love is" or "just haven't been with the right person yet." That it's not a hangup they have to "get over." That "when you find someone you love/are meant to be with it'll be fun!" is not an appropriate thing to say. In fact, maybe you could make a list of "please don't say these things, we know you mean well but they're hurtful"?

* In the same vein, that it's perfectly valid for someone who has never had sex to identify as asexual, that "you have to TRY it before you can know!" is also not an appropriate thing to say.
* But that sometimes asexual people *have* had sex, either because they were curious, or because they felt it was expected, or because they're indifferent to sex and wanted to please a sexual partner, and having had sex before does not invalidate someone identifying as asexual either.

The most common reaction I see from people who don't know anything about asexuality is, "But . . . [insert assumption about asexuality]?" Like, "But that person's married, how can he be asexual?" or, "But I like kissing people, how can I be asexual?" or, "But she talks about being attracted to people, how can she be asexual?" So I think addressing those assumptions in the two sections you mentioned would go a long way.

A "common misconceptions" list, maybe?

You know what I'd love to see in your book, if you can get them? Lots of little personal stories from asexual people and what it means to them to be asexual. Either as a separate section or as little insets throughout the book or something. I feel like one advantage I've gotten whenever I've learned about people different from me through blogging is that the personal stories make you feel so much like these people are real people with the same types of lives and emotions you have. It feels like it gives a whole, personal picture rather than a cardboard cutout, if you know what I mean? And asexuality is such a broad spectrum; seeing other people's stories might help people to realize they don't have to pigeonhole themselves.

Hope this helps! Thanks for writing this!

RemaCaracappa · May 22, 2013

Do you think it might be worth mentioning demisexuality, and a bit about that as it is related and can be confused with asexuality?

juliesondra · May 22, 2013

Thanks for all the thoughts, slhuang. The book's other sections go into a LOT of detail on romantic orientation and partnership, libido and masturbation, willingness to have sexual experiences or other physically intimate encounters, specifics of aromantic relationships, and the legitimacy of asexuality as an orientation. I think what you're showing me here is that what these sections need is a very short FAQ-type fact list at the beginning! With notes about how the subjects are covered elsewhere in the book and where.

The section addressed to non-asexual people does specifically say it's not their job to lay down conditions for belief and gives pointers on how to be an asexual ally. It's modeled somewhat on my published article "How to Be an Asexual Ally." (Maybe those who are familiar with the asexual community have heard of me? I'm swankivy.) I explain not only what you should try to avoid saying but what you should do if you've already said some of those things to someone you care about and are now realizing they were not the right things to say.

So I'll definitely be addressing these questions in the beginnings of those chapters with a little list format. Maybe I'll footnote them so people will know where to look for more. (The rest of the book has tons of footnotes referring to studies and quotes.)

slhuang said:
A "common misconceptions" list, maybe?

Actually, the common misconceptions chapter, Part 3, is the largest in the book. :Soapbox:

I think I'll probably still address them very briefly. I don't want to be super repetitive, but I do want people to get the information they came for!

slhuang said:
You know what I'd love to see in your book, if you can get them? Lots of little personal stories from asexual people and what it means to them to be asexual.

You're the second person to suggest this (the first was my sister!) and I currently don't know how it would be accomplished or who I'd ask (even though I'm super well connected in the asexual community so I could certainly get volunteers). But honestly I'd like it to be a very concise book and to have a more conversational + informational tone; others have already produced self-published works of the "personal stories" type and I don't know if I want to go that route. That said, little margin comments could possibly be arranged. I'm sure it's something I can discuss with my publisher once I get one. (I think it might happen pretty fast.) I know personal stories sometimes sway people's opinions and humanize the issues better than cold, disconnected factoids, though the introduction of the book opens with MY story and why my experiences led me to write this book. Perhaps I'd just gather the quotes from blogs I love. I follow a lot of other asexuals on Tumblr and have a huge list of blogs to pull from. I'd just have to request permission to quote if we decided to go there.

RemaCaracappa said:
Do you think it might be worth mentioning demisexuality, and a bit about that as it is related and can be confused with asexuality?

Oh, actually there happens to be a very broad section devoted to demisexuality and gray-asexuality (as well as demiromanticism and grayromanticism), but it's not in these "if you're asexual" and "if you know someone who's asexual" sections specifically. Maybe it's another thing I could mention and footnote, citing the "asexual spectrum."

It is a REALLY broad book and I've included just about everything I can think of somewhere in there, but for now I'm hoping to find opinions addressing these two specialized-depending-on-audience sections.

Thanks for the suggestions!

Satsya · May 22, 2013

I like those Asexual Ally articles of yours. Well-written, and (maybe unfortunately) all the issues you mentioned are ones I've dealt with personally.

Best of luck with publishing your book. This is a topic that could definitely use more awareness.

juliesondra · May 22, 2013

Satsya said:
all the issues you mentioned are ones I've dealt with personally.

So sorry to hear that, but it is nice to be in good company.

Thank you for the compliments and the encouragement. I'm so happy to finally be moving forward with the project after finding a GREAT fit with this agent.

Little Anonymous Me · Jun 6, 2013

I think it's really great that you're doing this--so many people think asexuality is limited to prokaryotes. :tongue

It seems that you've covered your bases, so good luck!

juliesondra · Jun 6, 2013

Little Anonymous Me said:
I think it's really great that you're doing this--so many people think asexuality is limited to prokaryotes. It seems that you've covered your bases, so good luck!

Thanks so much. I hoped I'd covered most of the bases, but most of the feedback I received was from asexual people themselves, so I just wanted a little direction on what the population I'll be addressing in that chapter would actually want to see and be reassured about. This thread was very helpful for me.

The book went on submission today. I already have a handful of requests. I'm very excited that it's moving forward.

Rhoda Nightingale · Jun 6, 2013

It sounds like you've got your research all tidied up the way it should be. The only thing I'd add is to make sure the chapter includes plenty of information about the wide variety of relationships that apply to asexuals, but again, it sounds like you've got it covered.

(Although what I'd really love to see more of is more asexual heroes in my fantasy fiction.)

RemaCaracappa said:
Do you think it might be worth mentioning demisexuality, and a bit about that as it is related and can be confused with asexuality?

Ooh. I didn't even know this existed until right now. This fits me much better than what I was using before.

Thank you!

/as you were

slhuang · Jun 6, 2013

Make sure you let us know when your book comes out! From everything you've said in this thread, it sounds like it's going to be excellent.

juliesondra · Jun 6, 2013

Rhoda Nightingale said:
The only thing I'd add is to make sure the chapter includes plenty of information about the wide variety of relationships that apply to asexuals, but again, it sounds like you've got it covered.

Thanks! Yeah, relationships are a big part of the discussion. There's a help section for how to discuss it with your partner or would-be partner, what alternatives are available to you, and what attitudes to keep in mind regarding getting relationship counseling if you need it. (Those perspectives are offered in both the section for asexual people and the section for non-asexual people, plus there's a section toward the front of the book about romantic orientation and how it figures in for people who want relationships.)

Rhoda Nightingale said:
(Although what I'd really love to see more of is more asexual heroes in my fantasy fiction.)

And wouldn't that be great! I actually wrote an asexual character in my older fantasy novels, but unfortunately they are not anything that will see the light of day.

And yes, demisexual identities (and other identities under the umbrella) are discussed in the book, too. I expect a lot of people to have ah-ha moments when they read that this has a name!

Thanks so much for the thoughts.

juliesondra · Nov 23, 2013

I hope I'm not being too gross by necro-ing this thread, but it seemed silly to post a separate thread and have to repeat all this context. . . .

slhuang said:
Make sure you let us know when your book comes out! From everything you've said in this thread, it sounds like it's going to be excellent.

So . . . this is me making sure to let you know.

(Well, not letting you know it's out, but letting you know . . . this stuff.)

The book just sold to Skyhorse and it's due to be published in fall of 2014. My agent got me multiple offers on this thing but this was the best match. Skyhorse's new imprint, Carrel Books, is a library-focused imprint, and supposedly if my book does well with the libraries then it may come out in paperback on the main label and get marketed to bookstores.

I'm also featuring quotes from 20 asexual bloggers and have taken advice from well over a hundred readers both inside and outside the asexual community on what the book should cover. Still happy to hear anyone's suggestions, though! THANK YOU!

:hooray:

slhuang · Nov 23, 2013

Wooo!!! Congratulations!!!!! So excited to hear it!!

:hooray:

Roxxsmom · Nov 24, 2013

Congrats!

Rachel Udin · Nov 25, 2013

Also, just a thought, asexual v. celibate v. abstaining probably should be covered somewhere since people confuse the terms and sometimes they just won't get it. (I've heard this complaint from asexual people before and apparently with a ton of frustration.)

Traditionally Published Book on Asexuality

juliesondra

juliesondra

Gale Haut

waxing digital artistic

juliesondra

Celia Cyanide

Joker Groupie

juliesondra

Kim Fierce

Attack me with everything you have.

cornflake

practical experience, FTW

juliesondra

Celia Cyanide

Joker Groupie

juliesondra

slhuang

Inappropriately math-oriented.

RemaCaracappa

Wouldn't you like to know?

juliesondra

Satsya

slow and steady

juliesondra

Little Anonymous Me

juliesondra

Rhoda Nightingale

Vampire Junkie

slhuang

Inappropriately math-oriented.

juliesondra

juliesondra

slhuang

Inappropriately math-oriented.

Roxxsmom

Raised by Wolves

Rachel Udin