How We Met

My initial meeting of Colchise was like this:

I ordered a Big Mac and fries with coke, then remembered I had an important lunch date elsewhere! I wanted to be hungry enough to eat on the date, so decided to dump the entire bag of food and go. I opened the dumpster in the alley behind McD's, and there was Colchise - sitting deep in the dumpster, stinky garbage all around, and looking up at me.

"Wow! You scared me!', said I.

"Yeah yeah whatever. Is that food you're tossing out?"

"Yes, it is. Would you like to have it?"

"What do you think? I'm sitting in here mining for gold?"

"Uh.. ok, well this is a Big Mac for you then. Untouched by human hands."

"A Big Mac? Really? A Big Mac?? I want a quarter pounder. With cheese. What's the drink?"

"Coke", I said flatly.

"Coke?? I don't like Coke! I like Dr. Pepper! Diet Dr. Pepper."

Incredulous, I said, "Uh, it doesn't look like you're in much of a position to be choosey, now does it?"

"What a snob! You think you're better than I am? You think because I'm in this dumpster, and you're not, that you can insult me like that?"

"Well.. no.. I mean I didn't mean to insult you really. You just seemed ungrateful for this food is all."

"Oh.. I see! You want me to grovel and kiss your feet and display heart-felt gratitude and cry appreciative tears so you can feel good! Right? Is that what you expect? Well, go back in there and get me a Quarter Pounder with a LARGE fries, cheap-skate, and don't forget the diet Dr. Pepper! Then bring it here and maybe I'll worship your angelic saintly self! Go on! Move it!"

I let the dumpster lid slam shut, and left for my date.

iLion and I bumped into each other. I was distracted by a passing 928. He was dashing madly, muttering about being late, dumpsters, and something about shoving a Big Mac up Colchise' big MacButt and following it with a Dr. Pepper enema - DIET Dr. Pepper. There was something about "special sauce" to go with the fries, too.

His stomach was growling loudly.

He apologized, said he had to hurry on, checking the time on a watch in his vest pocket, repeating "I'm late for an important date, a very important date."

I met Liralen when she knocked on my door and demanded to be admitted. I asked why, and she produced credentials showing that she was a special agent of the Federal Words Police.

"What the hell is that?" I asked.

"You claim you're a writer," she said. "Congress created the bureau to monitor what every so-called writer, whether adtually writing or not, intends to write and determine whether it fits within comprehensive guidelines set out under HR4903-Q as to content, intended meaning, perceived meaning, grammatical and syntactical coordination with accepted style books, length of experience, capacity to sustain writing and sufficiency of resolve."

"What the hell?"

"You can read about it online." She looked around my living room. "What a mess!"

"It's part of my research. I'm writing about messes."

"Really? How interesting."

I offered her a cup of tea, and she sat down and told me she was a writer herself and explained how she happened to land her job, and we began to know each other a lot better.

She's really not so bad.

There I was, quietly watching my good friend's barber shop while he was indisposed in the bathroom - when in through the front door crashed Nymtoc like a cyclone...

"Hey...!! I need a quick trim! I'm in a rush to an important event and need to look cleaned up a little... and I'm in a super hurry!"

"Okay, but I'm not actually..."
"Come on! Really, I'm in a rush here! No time for chit chat - just cut!"
"Yeah, but..."
"NO 'YEAH BUT'!! Just cut cut cut! Come on! I have an award to accept!! My name is Nymtoc, so watch for it in the news, ok?"

So, I proceeded to cut his hair faster here and there, hoping my barber friend would appear soon, but Nymtoc kept pressing me to 'hurry! Faster faster!', so I did.

His head head was a sporadic mess of ill-formed hairy clumps, some longer and shaggier than others and each different from the other. It was a supreme mess, so I kept him facing away from the mirrors.

He jumped up, threw a wad of cash at me and dashed out the door to his writer's award ceremony to receive the coveted NYC 54th St. 14th place award for "Best and Most Comprehensive Technical Manual on John Deere Lawn Mower Trouble Shooting 2013".

I am never going back to that barber shop!

I met iLion just after he lost his lawsuit against Disney for plagiarizing his script for The Lion King. He walked out of the courtroom with a tear rolling down his cheek.

"Cheer up," I said. "It's almost impossible to win against those mega-corporations. Look at it this way. You'll have other ideas, maybe even better ones."

"I'll never write anything again," he said as another tear rolled down his cheek. "Never, never, never!"

"But you will. I'm willing to bet. How about this--a story about toys who come to life when the child who owns them falls asleep?"

"Fantastic idea!" he exclaimed. "I'll get at it today!"

The next time I saw him, he had just lost another plagiarism suit against Disney. A tear was rolling down his cheek as he walked out of the courtroom. I said, "Cheer up. It's almost impossible to win against those mega-corpo--"

"F**k off!" he said and walked away. I haven't seen him since.

Nymotoc and I met on a game show. You might've seen it. Nymtoc's hand must have been glued to the buzzer because he was all over the questions, dropping answers here and there and everywhere.

On the very last round, I finally stepped up and swept all the points. Nymtoc was shocked. He thought the question was a trick one, given my correct answer, "What is a trick question?"

After the show, we shook hands, but Nymtoc challenged me to another game show. He was rather serious and even adjusted his glasses as though to size me up. We saw how things went on the next show. I offered him a $10 gift card. Some things just aren't good enough for people, man.

We met on top of the Empire State Building.

Said I, "Uh.. excuse me, Mam. You seem awfully close to the side there. You better step back a little lest you fall over."

"You think I care about that?"

"What?! You don't care if you fall? Please... step back a little!"

"Nope. Not gonna do it. Maybe I wanna fall. Maybe I'll just jump."

"Oh, please... I hope you don't mean that!"

"Sure I do. I'm all depressed and mad and upset and feeling very crazy and rejected right now... so why not?"

"It can't be that bad, can it?"

"Well... I lost my job, my rent went up, my kid ran away, a baby was left on my doorstep, my doc says I have ebola, I'm addicted to heroin, Crack, and Diet Pepsi... my car was stolen, my electricity was shut off, and my dog died. So, I'd say yesterday was one crappy day, wouldn't you?"

"Dang. Yeah, that's a tough day." I thought for a moment. "But did you know it's illegal to jump?"

"No! Really?"

"Yep. So if you jump, you'll have all those awful things to deal with, and you'll be fined, too. So, you might wanna think twice."

"Wow... Yeah... you're right. I wouldn't want that. Thanks, man! My name is Jehhillenberg. My friends just call me... my friends call me... hmmm... okay, I guess I don't actually have any friends, but if I did they'd probly call me... Jeh. Or maybe Hilly, or Bergie. Doesn't matter. Just call me, ok?"

And that was that.

At a fast food restaurant, iLion went to great lengths to figure out my name(s). Once he got past that hurdle, he thought it was hilarious when I got my order.

"Berg-er. Get it? You like that? Berger. Burger. Berg."

"Did you come up with that just now?"

When he took out his iPod, I chuckled to myself. "iLion, was it? Are you enjoying your iPod over there? Are you a big fan of Apple products?"

iLion turned around and shook his head. "What does that mean?"

"You know, the i-thing? I was just --"

"Was that supposed to be funny? Because it's not."

"I just made a joke. Nothing serious, dude."

"Ha-ha. Hope you're happy. My mother named me. How crappy do you feel now?"

He got up, threw his paper napkin down, and left. But then briefly came back to grab his iPod from the table.

"Good day, Jehhillenberg - Jeh - Hilly - J-Berg - Bergie - whatever. Enjoy your Berg-er. There."

To say the least, we never got past first-name basis upon introduction.

I was shouted at from behind, "Oi, Robbert, get goin'!"

Our floor manager at BergerKing, Miss Jehhillenberg, is known to inform headquarters about the lazy gits.

I met Robbert on a chain gang. We had both been sentenced to 99 years for cheating on our income taxes (in different countries, but there is a reciprocal agreement when it comes to punishment).

"All I really miss is This Morning on ITV," he said the morning I met him.

"I know what you mean," I replied. "I really miss The Today Show on NBC."

After that, we were silent until the end of the day, when we compared tastes in pizza. He likes it with pepperoni, pork sausage, beef, mushrooms, red onions and green peppers. I like it with green peppers, black olives, roasted peppers, Roma tomatoes, fresh ground beef, artichokes, pepperoni, sausage, mushrooms, onions, anchovies, eggplant, sun dried tomatoes, fresh garlic, fresh spinach, pinapple, feta, Canadian bacon, chicken, meatball, jalapeños, green olives and extra cheese.

Despite our differences, we got along quite well.

Ran into Nymmie in the Emergency Room...

He staggered into me as he was leaving, and I said, "Hey Buddy, you ok?"

He glared at me and mumbled something about having to get his stomach pumped after eating the most amazing "Everything-But-The-Kitchen-Sink" Pizza.

(I also noticed he had marks on his wrists and ankles like those of someone who had been working on a chain gang).

Lavern and I met online. I-I swear, it-it was a matter of clicking the wrong button accidentally, of-of course.

Robbert strolled down the aisles in the grocery store with his empty shopping cart. Half -- or most of -- his attention on his cell phone. Robb found a site for fun. That fun included checking out the local ladies, married or not. Lavern popped up. Curiosity and nice headshot beckoned him to explore further.

Robb moved on to other ladies on the site. "Hmm, she seems kinda crazy...and intimidating." Intrigued, he clicked away.

This young lady took the bait and played along. A few more clicks led Robb into such a distracting conversation, he crashed shopping carts with another shopper.

Robb finally looked up from his phone and instantly started apologizing to the person. He then looked down at his phone and back up at the woman he just crashed with. "Wait a minute..."

I looked down at my phone and then back up at Robb. "It's a small world after all!" I slipped my phone into my pocket.

"I-I don't normally meet people this way -- I swear. I-it was a one-time thing."

"Sure it was." I shrugged and pushed my cart past him. "Nice meeting you. Virtually."

Who knew the grocery store would be a nice way to meet people, via the right tools!

I met Jeh at Seaworld. She looks good in a wet suit, and she's such a good swimmer.

Lavern and I met at a pie making convention. We were the only ones who knew how to make vinegar pie and buttermilk pie. They thought we were nuts.

Liralen and I met at a fun fair where she invited me to the merry-go-round.

Five minutes later, her hubby appeared, we shook hands, after which they went back home

I did meet Robert at a fair -- don't know how much fun it was, but anyway, for some reason he kept referring to the guy behind me in line as my husband. He stubbornly refused to believe either one of us when we both told him he was mistaken and even accused us of lying.

We both decided he was a bit "tetched" and left as the whole situation was rather uncomfortable.

I first met Liralen when I was a clerk at the front desk at Lennox House in Vermont. She said she was checking herself in. She looked like an 80s Goth rocker with leather and spikes and just very dark.

"Uh... people don't actually check themselves in here, Miss... Miss..."

"Well, I am."

"You are what?"

"Checking myself in! Isn't that what I just said?"

"Yes, Miss... uh... Yes, you did in fact say that. And I said we don't do that here. You need a doctor's referal to be checked in here."

Liralen sighed in obvious disgust. "okay, fine... Where's a doctor?" She scanned the lobby for anyone who looked like an MD... anyone wearing a stethiscope, or maybe even the classic white coat.

"Well, it doesn't work like that, Miss... uh, Miss... What is your name, please?"

She perked up. "Why? You gonna check me in now? 'bout time!"

"No..! I'm not checking you in! You do know this is an asylum, don't you? We house patients who have some very serious mental conditions here and that's why you need a doctor's referal to get in."

"Seems to me things are a little upside down here, you know what I mean? I'm the crazy one, but I'm out here and you won't let me in... while you... you pretend to be "normal", but you're stuck inside this nuthouse all day every day. Doesn't that seem a little upside down to you? It sure does to me."

"Well, I'm sorry, Miss... whatever! We just can't let you in like that."

She spun around and left, just like that. Didn't see her again till summer at the county fair where she was a changed person completely. She was the county fair Queen Liralen, complete with pig tails and freckles, jeans and a red plaid flannel shirt. What a change!

I bumped into iLion at a cereal spokesperson audition.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was the role of Tony the Tiger they were casting.

Lavern? No, Lavern and I have never met! What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!

It was a dark and stormy night when I met Susie in Vegas.

She was sitting in the middle of Caesar's Palace mumbling something about words screaming to get out, killing mockingbirds and vanilla ice cream.

Yep.

She stayed in Vegas.

Small world! I met Lavern08 in Vegas, too! She was standing in front of a machine feeding quarters and dimes and dollar bills. She asked if I had more change for her.

"Uh... well. "That thing says you already put in $624.. and I don't think you actually need that much for a coke."

"No, I need more! I haven't won anything yet and it's about to pay out! Can't you tell?"

"Madam...",
"Lavern."
"uh, ok. Lavern. You do know this is a coke machine? Right? You know that, don't you?"

"No! No, it is NOT a coke machine! It's a slot machine like all the others and it's about to pay off!! Give me more change!!"

I left quickly.

I first met iLion in a Dairy Queen in Lyons, kansas. The one that has Shirley Knight's autographed picture. He mistook me for Miss Knight and I, being captivated by his willowy mane, lied and said I was. It was a night of double dipped passion but in the morning the truth dawned. It was a bittersweet parting in a waffle cone--s6

I met Shakey6 when we were both caught in an earthquake as we were going into a Shakey's Pizza place in Oroville.

She's been Shakey ever since.

damnstraight! which is not a statement one can make about Liralen. i met her in my peach orchard. she was dressed as a japanese gardner (like in Candy.) she said she liked my peaches--i really shook her tree!