Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

JoBird · May 23, 2013

MrMintBourbons said:
I've already published my first novel, and the WIP is the follow up. It starts with a voice in the protagonists head, and unfortunately is four sentences. Sorry, breaking rules already! Very easy problem to correct. All you have to do is highlight the last sentence, then hit the 'back space' key on your computer. It should delete it for you. That way you'll only be presenting three sentences, per the only specific rule of this thread.

"They know nothing, this futile breed. The anger that boils your blood is driven by their insipid desire for greed and power. You are the God they clamour for."

This doesn't do anything for me. Note that you've already had to clarify that this is a voice the protagonist is hearing in his head. Also note, you won't be able to tell readers that when they start cold. So maybe it's worth some time to establish that the protagonist is hearing this voice in his/her head.

Also, I have no idea who 'they' are. So, to me, it's like this nebulous blob that doesn't know anything. Since no trust has been established yet, I'm not ready to put this in abeyance.

The opening implies that the protagonist is reactionary. Anger boils (by the way, this, in my opinion, is weak, cliched) in the protagonist's blood because of someone else's desire. Might be better to focus on the MC's active desire instead of the MC's reaction to outside stimulus.

And then these things that know nothing, that make the MC mad, want the MC to be their god.

They, whoever they are, don't know anything.
They, whoever they are, are greedy and want power.
They, whoever they are, want the MC to be their god.

Some of that strikes me as contradictory. At least with the limited frame of reference that I have right now.

JoBird · May 23, 2013

King God Kong Zilla said:
Here's mine. Please let me know what you think, I can take it.

Suspended above his childhood home, Sam suffered the cruel imitation imo, this doesn't make sense. I don't know what suffering a cruel imitation could mean. I've read it a few times and I'm still having trouble parsing it. of what he once called a family because of that unfulfilled promise. What promise? Presumably the dialogue below is the promise? Or is it current dialogue?

“If it happens if what happens? to you, I’ll end it, I swear."

Mom and Dad appeared decades younger than the last time he'd seen them.

I'm assuming Sam is either a ghost or hanging out with the ghost of Christmas past. He's looking at the way things used to be.

The only issue I have with this is clarity.

1. suffering a cruel imitation. That could be a lot clearer, imo.
2. unfulfilled promise. What promise?
3. if it happens. If what happens?

Overall, I feel like there's some withholding going on, which, imo, isn't great. Especially early on, before you've had a chance to build trust with the reader.

Just my two cents.

JoBird · May 23, 2013

reiver33 said:
Sensorium As silly as this sounds, I don't like the name. That alone would probably stop me from reading much more. I know, it's probably not super useful feedback, but it might be worth seeing what others think. City was retro manga I don't know manga, neo, classic, retro or otherwise. So this description doesn't do much for me. That said, I may just not be the right audience for it. mixed with William Gibson Some people may be confused into thinking this is the name of a character in the story. Everyone might not know Gibson the author. Just a thought. ; impossibly tall needle towers against a sky the colour of a TV tuned to a dead channel. I'm super iffy about this. I like it as the opening of Neuromancer, but here, despite the clear nod, it just comes across as if it's being ripped. Maybe because it's also being used in the opening sentence here. It also stands out as such a strong image: it overwhelms the other stuff. The ground was almost lost to view beneath low-lying cloud, but I knew Not a good way, imo, to introduce a first person story. The "I" is lost in the middle of a sentence describing something. The bond with the initial character could be stronger, imo. it would be urban noir straight out of Bladerunner. All of this seems to just be description. Is anything happening? It just seems to be saying, hey, if you like these sorts of things, you'll like this sort of thing. But such seems better for a review of the story than the opening of the story. If that makes sense.

Sensorium City; a virtual environment as deadly as sin. weak, cliche (imo)

Overall, I'd prefer it if the MC was identified earlier, in a stronger manner. I'd like a sense of something happening. Nothing big, just something other than: this virtual world took its elements from these following places...

These comments are just my two cents. Take with a grain of salt.

RaggedEdge · May 23, 2013

reiver33 said:
Sensorium City was retro manga mixed with William Gibson; impossibly tall needle towers against a sky the colour of a TV tuned to a dead channel. The ground was almost lost to view beneath low-lying cloud, but I knew it would be urban noir straight out of Bladerunner.

Sensorium City; a virtual environment as deadly as sin.

I was lost immediately, but then I don't know what your genre is and perhaps I'm uninitiated with a particular style (i.e. manga). I don't know who William Gibson is, but again, the reference may work for your particular readers.

IMO, you're trying to do too much. I wouldn't use a semicolon in your first sentence - or often at all - based on what I've read. I'd switch that to a period and add a verb to your new second sentence.

I don't know what a TV tuned to a dead channel looks like - is it universal? I used to see static but does anyone see static anymore? My screen is black when a channel is 'dead.' But if your sky is black, then how much could we see? What is bringing light to the towers? You're making it too hard to see this imagery.

How is the ground lost to view by a cloud unless your MC is in the air? If that's the case, I think we might need a better intro to that.

You definitely have style and inventiveness! I'm sure you'll get this to sound great with some tweaking.

There's a great tip about how "less is more" by Agent Sarah Davies on her blog. Scroll down to Tip 5: http://greenhouseliterary.com/index.php/blog/archives/2009/06/

RaggedEdge · May 23, 2013

I'll take my turn now:

The strange shimmer of the sunlight that morning held Terah Blake spellbound. While the spray from the hose arched across the tomato plants, sparking tiny prisms in midair, and the wind shook dried leaves from the yard’s single tree, the sun’s radiance penetrated her flesh as if summoning her. Longing rushed through her, longing to go somewhere new, and she abruptly remembered her afternoon meeting in town.

JoBird · May 23, 2013

RaggedEdge said:
I'll take my turn now:

The strange shimmer of the sunlight that morning held Terah Blake spellbound. While the spray from the hose arched across the tomato plants, sparking tiny prisms in midair, and the wind shook dried leaves from the yard’s single tree, the sun’s radiance penetrated her flesh as if summoning her. Longing rushed through her, longing to go somewhere new, and she abruptly remembered her afternoon meeting in town.

There's a great tip about how "less is more" by Agent Sarah Davies on her blog. Scroll down to Tip 5: http://greenhouseliterary.com/index....hives/2009/06/

RaggedEdge · May 23, 2013

JoBird said:
There's a great tip about how "less is more" by Agent Sarah Davies on her blog. Scroll down to Tip 5: http://greenhouseliterary.com/index....hives/2009/06/

JoBird, I wondered if I'd get that thrown at me.

These are the longest sentences in that paragraph. The rest are punchier. I just wonder if that balance can work, do you know what I mean?

BethS · May 23, 2013

MrMintBourbons said:
I've already published my first novel, and the WIP is the follow up. It starts with a voice in the protagonists head, and unfortunately is four sentences. Sorry, breaking rules already!

"Unfortunately?" Like, it's out of your control that there are four sentences there instead of three? You couldn't prevent it?

Ahem.

Feel free to edit it down to the proper three sentences. While you're at it, take the text out of the quote box, because those don't get copied in quotebacks.

BethS · May 23, 2013

King God Kong Zilla said:
Here's mine. Please let me know what you think, I can take it.

Suspended above his childhood home, Sam suffered the cruel imitation of what he once called a family because of that unfulfilled promise.

“If it happens to you, I’ll end it, I swear."

Mom and Dad appeared decades younger than the last time he'd seen them.

These three sentences appear totally unconnected. The idea in the first sentence is communicated in an overly complicated way. And I don't know what is meant by "suspended above." Am I supposed to take that literally? And if so, exactly how is he suspended? Is he hanging from the chimney or something? A tree branch? Who is speaking in the second sentence and to whom are they speaking? In the third sentence, how could someone appear "decades" younger? Are we talking time travel here?

JoBird · May 23, 2013

RaggedEdge said:
JoBird, I wondered if I'd get that thrown at me. These are the longest sentences in that paragraph. The rest are punchier. I just wonder if that balance can work, do you know what I mean?

Sorry, I was just getting a kick out of my sense of humor there.

In general, I'm fine with long sentences. I think the advice to stick with simple short sentences is, at its heart, simple. A sentence should fit what the story is trying to say. Sometimes a sentence should be long, sometimes short. It depends heavily on the voice and the need of the particular place in the story in question.

Yours, imo, is coming across as too heavy. Almost try-hard. Again, just in my opinion.

RaggedEdge said:
The strange shimmer of the sunlight What's strange about it? that morning held Terah Blake spellbound. Assuming this is an exaggeration. That Terah is just taking some sort of joy out of how pretty the sunlight is. But who stands entranced by shimmering sunshine? Or rather, is that a great way to start a story? It lacks momentum, imo. While the spray from the hose arched across the tomato plants, sparking tiny prisms in midair, Purple, in my humble opinion. and the wind shook dried leaves from the yard’s single tree, the sun’s radiance penetrated her flesh huh? as if summoning her. Why would sunlight summon her? Specifically, why would sunlight penetrating her flesh summon her? Longing rushed through her, longing to go somewhere new, Did the sun hold her, summon her, or make her want to go somewhere new? All three options are presented in a row. and she abruptly don't think you're getting much mileage out of this word. remembered her afternoon meeting in town. To me, this is the most interesting part, because it implies something else is going to happen. But I find the abrupt remembrance of it unsatisfying. Coupled with the fact that I don't know what the meeting is for, or who it's with yet.

I could really get into a scene with a character tending a garden, enjoying the sun, and somehow still feeling restless. But this isn't there for me. It doesn't feel focused; it feels more like an exercise in voice.

The character is frozen. Then the character feels summoned, presumably to the sun itself. Then the character wants to go somewhere new. Then the character remembers a meeting. Yet I still don't know much about the character, the character's garden, the character's house, or anything really.

Hope some of my thoughts here help or at least make sense.

BethS · May 23, 2013

reiver33 said:
Sensorium City was retro manga mixed with William Gibson; impossibly tall needle towers against a sky the colour of a TV tuned to a dead channel. The ground was almost lost to view beneath low-lying cloud, but I knew it would be urban noir straight out of Bladerunner.

Sensorium City; a virtual environment as deadly as sin.

That phrase in bold seems to be a very popular one, if you Google it. It's certainly not the first time I've seen it.

Anyway, this is a bit murky. I'm not sure what you're trying to describe. Also, you are misusing semi-colons.

BethS · May 23, 2013

RaggedEdge said:
I'll take my turn now:

The strange shimmer of the sunlight that morning held Terah Blake spellbound. While the spray from the hose arched across the tomato plants, sparking tiny prisms in midair, and the wind shook dried leaves from the yard’s single tree, the sun’s radiance penetrated her flesh as if summoning her. Longing rushed through her, longing to go somewhere new, and she abruptly remembered her afternoon meeting in town.

Ummm, it's overwritten. Kind of drowning in description. The first sentence has promise, but then the "strange shimmer" is not mentioned again.

These are the longest sentences in that paragraph. The rest are punchier.

It's not the sentence length that's the problem.

RaggedEdge · May 23, 2013

JoBird and BethS - Thanks!

I agree with both of you. I am trying too hard to establish certain things that connect to the story, but the reader can't know that yet. So they seem unrelated or unfocused. Also, I agree that I can be more specific with how the sunlight is odd to her. That's a great tip.

JoBird, the thing I thought was odd in your suggestion was that you wanted to know more than what I'd already provided. But is that realistic in any 3-sentence offering? It sounds like a contradiction: Be simple and clear but put as much info in as you can in the first three sentences. I do agree mine could be better.

Thanks again!

JoBird · May 23, 2013

RaggedEdge said:
JoBird, the thing I thought was odd in your suggestion was that you wanted to know more than what I'd already provided. But is that realistic in any 3-sentence offering? It sounds like a contradiction: Be simple and clear but put as much info in as you can in the first three sentences. I do agree mine could be better.

Thanks again!

Elaborate for me. What do I want to know about that you've already provided? I'll try to explain where I'm coming from if I can get a sense of what you mean.

ETA: Also, I don't think it's about packing as much information in three sentences as you can, while remaining simple and clear. I think it's about creating something compelling and interesting, something honest that promises a good story if I keep reading.

diem_seven · May 23, 2013

First three sentences of an urban fantasy I am working on:

Everywhere I traveled, Diabla rode with me, even to work. Nine hours a day, five days a week, I ran a shirt-press at a dry-cleaning factory on the south side of town, most days with Diabla secretly stowed away in the backpack at my feet. There in the monstrous factory, we suffered endless heat, breathed chemical air, and endured the merciless shrieking of the manglers and steam presses.

JoBird · May 23, 2013

diem_seven said:
First three sentences of an urban fantasy I am working on:

Everywhere I traveled, Diabla rode with me, even to work. Three things here. Travel. Diabla. Work. Of those, Diabla is the most interesting. Travel is next, then work. IMO Nine hours a day, five days a week, Here, you elaborate on the least interesting of the three things you started with. I thought this character traveled. And that Diabla rode with this character everywhere. Now I'm getting the character's rather mundane work schedule. I ran a shirt-press at a dry-cleaning factory on the south side of town, most days with Diabla Most days? But doesn't Diabla ride with the MC everywhere? What's happening on the other days? secretly stowed away in the backpack at my feet. There in the monstrous factory, we suffered endless heat, breathed chemical air, and endured the merciless shrieking of the manglers and steam presses.

This doesn't feel consistent to me. The character mentions travelling, but appears to only go to work. The character mentions Diabla going everywhere with him/her, but then talks about "most days".

The biggest issue I have is that the thing of interest, Diabla, isn't explained or elaborated on. Imagine your buddy telling you a story about some thing named Diabla that accompanies him everywhere. Then he starts droning on about his work schedule and his work conditions. Wouldn't you just want to be like: hey buddy, I don't care about your work right now. What's this Diabla you're talking about?

King God Kong Zilla · May 23, 2013

Justkia, Jobird and BethS,

Thank you so much for reading and commenting. The first scene is my MC's Obi-Wan in an apocalyptic future whe everything living has been replaced by a synthetic, more perfect version of its organic self. The dialogue is the promise he made to his parents. If they were ever copied, and replaced, he'd kill them.

You've all helped me see where I stumbled. I'll focus on clarity above all else when I rewrite this. You've all been a tremendous help and I'll be sure to return the favour.

diem_seven · May 23, 2013

JoBird said:
This doesn't feel consistent to me. The character mentions travelling, but appears to only go to work. The character mentions Diabla going everywhere with him/her, but then talks about "most days".

The biggest issue I have is that the thing of interest, Diabla, isn't explained or elaborated on. Imagine your buddy telling you a story about some thing named Diabla that accompanies him everywhere. Then he starts droning on about his work schedule and his work conditions. Wouldn't you just want to be like: hey buddy, I don't care about your work right now. What's this Diabla you're talking about?

Thank you for your feedback. You're asking all the right questions. I want the reader to wonder about the exact things you are so that they continue to read. The protag begins the story at work. What Diabla is shows up about a paragraph after the first paragraph in the story. Thank you again for your comments!

RaggedEdge · May 23, 2013

JoBird said:
Elaborate for me. What do I want to know about that you've already provided? I'll try to explain where I'm coming from if I can get a sense of what you mean.

ETA: Also, I don't think it's about packing as much information in three sentences as you can, while remaining simple and clear. I think it's about creating something compelling and interesting, something honest that promises a good story if I keep reading.

JoBird, thanks for your time! And let me say I agree with the last thing you wrote above and that's what I'm shooting for now as I revise this first paragraph - something honest, and that may take me several more tries.

As far as what I said about your earlier post, it's hard to elaborate what I meant, but it's moot because I've since realized I can add more pertinent info without jamming the sentences. It's hard but it's worth the effort.

This question is for everyone: Is this sample any better? Or better but not compelling?

Spray from the hose sparked tiny prisms over the tomato plants but all Terah Blake noticed was the sunlight. It colored the backyard in the same shocking brilliance as the photos she tried to ignore in slick travel brochures. Longing to go somewhere new rushed through her, and she remembered she’d promised to help at the festival that afternoon.

RaggedEdge · May 23, 2013

diem_seven said:
First three sentences of an urban fantasy I am working on:

Everywhere I traveled, Diabla rode with me, even to work. Nine hours a day, five days a week, I ran a shirt-press at a dry-cleaning factory on the south side of town, most days with Diabla secretly stowed away in the backpack at my feet. There in the monstrous factory, we suffered endless heat, breathed chemical air, and endured the merciless shrieking of the manglers and steam presses.

I agree with JoBird that the most intriguing thing is Diabla - that it's in a backpack is a nice image since it tells us Diabla is small. I like your third sentence, for the most part (I don't know what manglers are but that's not entirely a bad thing) but maybe insert a sentence before it that gives us a little more about Diabla first. Otherwise, I like it!

JoBird · May 23, 2013

RaggedEdge said:
Spray from the hose sparked tiny prisms over the tomato plants but all Terah Blake noticed was the sunlight. It colored the backyard in the same shocking brilliance as the photos she tried to ignore in slick travel brochures. Longing to go somewhere new rushed through her, and she remembered she’d promised to help at the festival that afternoon.

I think you're stumbling around a POV issue. This starts detached, omniscient. Is there a reason for that? For instance, if Terah doesn't notice the spray from the hose why is the reader being given the image first thing? Where's your camera?

If this is about Terah's fascination with sunlight, well, is there a way to put the camera right on Terah's shoulder, or even in her head, behind her eyes?

I don't have a mental image of the photos in the travel brochures, so the next line doesn't work well for me.

The last line is rushed. She longs to go somewhere new, but I don't know why. I'm not following her thoughts here, and that seems to be where the action is actually taking place. And I don't know how she feels about her promise to help at the festival.

I suggest slowing everything down and concentrating on getting your POV camera situated exactly where you really want it.

dchisholm125 · May 23, 2013

This almost reminds me of my first attempt at a hook-y first line... weird, haha.

RaggedEdge said:
Spray from the hose sparked tiny prisms over the tomato plants but all Terah Blake noticed was the sunlight. It colored the backyard in the same shocking brilliance as the photos she tried to ignore in slick travel brochures. Longing to go somewhere new rushed through her, and she remembered she’d promised to help at the festival that afternoon.

Hmm, I'm imagining a woman in a lounge chair reading travel pamphlets, but I can't be sure with the set up.

Who's holding the hose? Where is Terah, inside? outside? What do the travel brochures have to do with the prisms and sparkles? festival? huh?

It's a lot up front for someone to digest. For me, I need more pacing so I can absorb the information. If the rest of your first page is the same divulgance of information I might walk away before my head starts spinning.

Personally, I'd stick to one concept up front and ride it out. Maybe the travel? or maybe she's got some craazy mathematical mind and sees prisms, shapes, and geometry in everything which would be cool too.

Allow reader's time to grasp the information, don't hit 'em with it all at once good luck RaggedEdge!

Buffysquirrel · May 23, 2013

RaggedEdge said:
I don't know what a TV tuned to a dead channel looks like - is it universal? I used to see static but does anyone see static anymore? My screen is black when a channel is 'dead.' But if your sky is black, then how much could we see? What is bringing light to the towers? You're making it too hard to see this imagery.http://greenhouseliterary.com/index.php/blog/archives/2009/06/

Yeah, but when William Gibson wrote that line as the opening to Neuromancer, he was writing about good old analogue broadcast tv, not cable, digital, or whatever.

BethS said:
That phrase in bold seems to be a very popular one, if you Google it. It's certainly not the first time I've seen it.

No kidding.

"The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel."

Copyright William Gibson, 1984. Widely copied and imitated.

BethS · May 23, 2013

RaggedEdge said:
JoBird, the thing I thought was odd in your suggestion was that you wanted to know more than what I'd already provided. But is that realistic in any 3-sentence offering? It sounds like a contradiction: Be simple and clear but put as much info in as you can in the first three sentences. I do agree mine could be better.

Can't speak for JoBird, but the way I look at the first three sentences is that they are like three little stepping stones, each leading to the next in a way that is logical, connected, and compelling. They should build, one upon another. And they should cause the reader to say, "And then what happens?"

BethS · May 23, 2013

diem_seven said:
First three sentences of an urban fantasy I am working on:

Everywhere I traveled, Diabla rode with me, even to work. Nine hours a day, five days a week, I ran a shirt-press at a dry-cleaning factory on the south side of town, most days with Diabla secretly stowed away in the backpack at my feet. There in the monstrous factory, we suffered endless heat, breathed chemical air, and endured the merciless shrieking of the manglers and steam presses.

You've hooked me. By my lights, this is a good opening. You've got world-building and an interesting little question I'd like to know the answer to: Who or what is Diabla? And not least, it is clearly and neatly written.

Post the first 3 sentences of your WIP!

JoBird

JoBird

JoBird

RaggedEdge

I can do this

RaggedEdge

I can do this

JoBird

RaggedEdge

I can do this

BethS

BethS

JoBird

BethS

BethS

RaggedEdge

I can do this

JoBird

diem_seven

JoBird

King God Kong Zilla

diem_seven

RaggedEdge

I can do this

RaggedEdge

I can do this

JoBird

dchisholm125

can jump higher than you

Buffysquirrel

BethS

BethS