Condom use in sex scenes

Just wrote my first sex scene since this thread started. It's m/m, so no pregnancy concerns, but it's non-explicit enough that I think I can share it on an open thread, and to me it's all that needs to be mentioned in order to make it clear that one of these characters was the sort who wasn't thinking of condoms and the other character WAS thinking about them.

“Perfect,” Mackenzie replied, and he used his legs to pull Jake in a little tighter. But Jake was pulling away. He wasn’t going far, just leaning over and stretching to the side, but it was absolutely the wrong direction. Then Mackenzie heard the sound of a drawer being pulled open and let his legs relax a little. Jake was just taking care of things. Taking care of both of them. He wasn’t trying to get away.

It was only a moment before Jake’s attention was back on Mackenzie.

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I often mention that the woman is using some sort of hormonal birth control method.
In all of the scenes I've written so far, all of the characters are clean, so STDs aren't an issue.
If there's a pregnancy, whether intended or unintended from the characters' perspective, I often pointedly mention the lack of birth control.

* I write romantic subplots in stories in other genres rather than an entirely romance story, may be different there

NH_Doggy said:

I just finished writing my first sexy times scene, and I was wondering...

It seems like in most contemporary romances these days, there is specific mention of condom use during sex scenes. If a condom is NOT used, it seems to end up being a plot point (e.g. unintended pregnancy).

Now, I'm as big a fan of safe sex as anyone else, but I always find it a bit jarring to be reading a wonderful, erotic scene and then having all the action stop while a condom gets rolled on.

So, what do people feel about the necessity of writing condom use into sex scenes? Can it just be assumed that one is used? Would you find it annoying if it is not mentioned?

Sorry if this is a dumb question.

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I know what you're saying. I feel irresponsible if I don't mention protection during a sex scene. Luckily I write mostly about supernatural creatures, so I get to just casually imply that they can't get, or transmit, STIs. It is taking the easy way out, though.

NH_Doggy said:

I just finished writing my first sexy times scene, and I was wondering...

It seems like in most contemporary romances these days, there is specific mention of condom use during sex scenes. If a condom is NOT used, it seems to end up being a plot point (e.g. unintended pregnancy).

Now, I'm as big a fan of safe sex as anyone else, but I always find it a bit jarring to be reading a wonderful, erotic scene and then having all the action stop while a condom gets rolled on.

So, what do people feel about the necessity of writing condom use into sex scenes? Can it just be assumed that one is used? Would you find it annoying if it is not mentioned?

Sorry if this is a dumb question.

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It annoys me when the H just asks h if she's on the pill and she says she is and so they just go for it. Like pregnancy is the only reason for condom use.

I expect it in contemporary romance. I actually cringe when there's no mention of condom use, with that voice in my head saying (ok, judging) "how dumb can you be not to use a condom?" (Our sex ed teacher would be so proud).

I like the condom-use detail, really. Would not be turned off by it at all.

Wicked Wonderland has magic condoms delivered by Santa's sexy elves.

gingerwoman said:

Wicked Wonderland has magic condoms delivered by Santa's sexy elves.

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LOL. Love it.

Definitely throw in some awkward condom moment if it fits the story. Sex is awkward. Sex for the first time with a new partner is even more awkward.

Who brings the condom and who suggests it first can add depth to the characters. (She's prepared for sex, how does he feel about that? He is considerate of her by offering up protection. She suspects his plan was to seduce her all along since he just happened to have a condom etc. etc.)

No condom? No problem. This could show lack of sexual experience on the part of the characters. Maybe she can head out for some Plan-B after. Maybe they are drunk and not making good decisions (who hasn't been there?).

Condoms, or lack there of, are just another layer to your scene. Bring it up before, during or after the act and increase the tension and raise the stakes.

It's been a while since I commented on this thread, but the more I read, the more I wonder - why isn't it just assumed that if your characters are established as responsible beings that the sex would be safe? Why does it have to be spelled out for the reader?
If my character is well established, I don't have to say 'he looked left and right before he crossed the road' every time. My readers assume he takes safety precautions.

I'm not saying don't write condoms in where it fits, but I don't see why people would automatically assume one hasn't been used just because it hasn't been mentioned explicitly - unless the character has been established as having a careless or reckless nature.

Cause we're a society that makes kids wear bicycle helmets on roller skates in broad daylight on flat surfaces while someone is holding their hands. lol I dunno when I started seeing condom use crop up in stories but it was a while back. Now, it seems like it is a matter of course. It shows up whether I want it to.

Seriously, I mention it once and then assume my readers know my characters aren't dumbasses.

But that's what I'm getting at. As a reader, I assume if a character that has been shown to be safety-minded jumps on a bike that they've also put on their helmet. The writer doesn't need to spell it out for me to know the action was taken. I would think the same is true with safe sex.

LA*78 said:

It's been a while since I commented on this thread, but the more I read, the more I wonder - why isn't it just assumed that if your characters are established as responsible beings that the sex would be safe? Why does it have to be spelled out for the reader?

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Because of the Secret Baby potential?

I take it for granted that if a character crosses the road and keeps going, the author didn't have him get hit by a car. I can't assume, in a romance, that unprotected sex will be completely problem-free, unless I know in advance what to expect from the author. And the surprise pregnancy really isn't a favorite trope of mine, so I'd like to avoid that if at all possible when I read.

Besides, in books I enjoy, the author is usually spelling out for me exactly how the hero kissed the heroine and how she undressed him and how they did this and that and the other, rather than letting me assume that they had great sex. So why not let me know that they used precautions, too?

Again though - why is the assumption that the sex is unprotected.
I just think it's a bit of a sad reflection on today's society if we still are not at the point where the assumption is for safe sex as the standard, and not the reverse.

LA*78 said:

Again though - why is the assumption that the sex is unprotected.
I just think it's a bit of a sad reflection on today's society if we still are not at the point where the assumption is for safe sex as the standard, and not the reverse.

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I don't think there's necessarily an assumption that way.

If the book says:

"They went back to his place and had sex," I don't assume it was safe or unsafe.

If the book gives me a bit more detail but fades to black before actual penetration, I don't assume the sex was safe or unsafe.

But if the book details every aspect of their coupling, from the first kiss to the final gasp, and there was no mention of a condom, I'm going to assume there was no condom. Just like I'm going to assume there was no spanking, no role playing, no tying up, no talk of Middle East politics, and no visits from aliens. Because I 'saw' the whole scene play out through the author's words. I know what the characters did first, and I know what they did next, and I know how they transitioned between those acts because the author explained it all to me. There's no room for 'assumed' actions in a scene like this, because there's a continuous flow of other actions.

LA*78 said:

Again though - why is the assumption that the sex is unprotected.

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I don't have a lot of contemporaries on my romance shelf, but in all of those, there were detailed sex scenes with no mention of precautions. So why should I assume that the sex was protected? As Captcha said, there's no room for assumed actions when we're being told everything.

Besides, as I said earlier, there's a potential in romance novels for the author to spring a surprise baby on the couple. So if I assume they had protected sex, but later on the heroine's pregnant, should I assume the condom broke, or should I assume she's been banging another guy bareback, or what?

Queen of Swords said:

I don't have a lot of contemporaries on my romance shelf, but in all of those, there were detailed sex scenes with no mention of precautions. So why should I assume that the sex was protected? As Captcha said, there's no room for assumed actions when we're being told everything.

Besides, as I said earlier, there's a potential in romance novels for the author to spring a surprise baby on the couple. So if I assume they had protected sex, but later on the heroine's pregnant, should I assume the condom broke, or should I assume she's been banging another guy bareback, or what?

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Wouldn't it come down to the competence of the writer to set the characters up properly so you have a basis for valid assumption?

Obviously if you're getting a blow by blow account right through to climax through penetration, and a condom is used, it should be mentioned. But this thread was about sex scenes in general, and in many romance stories the blow by blow stops about the same time as the foreplay does.

LA*78 said:

Wouldn't it come down to the competence of the writer to set the characters up properly so you have a basis for valid assumption?

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You would think so, wouldn't you?

But I've read romances where the hero or heroine goes to church every Sunday, prays devoutly, and still feels comfortable with having premarital sex, which isn't something I'd have assumed consistent with their devotion to their religion. So I tend not to make too many assumptions when it comes to sex scenes, and condom use is one of them. Unless it's specified, I don't automatically assume that precautions were used - because, like I said, if the heroine is pregnant later, I don't want to be as surprised as she is.

This is just me. If someone else wants to assume that all sex is protected, that's up to them, but so far I haven't seen any logical or compelling reason for doing so.

If the default sex type was one with condom use, we wouldn't have teenage pregnancies, transmittal of STDs, unplanned older women pregnancies and basketball players wouldn't have 10 different babies' mamas.

Maybe in a perfect world, default sex would be with condom use. But in the real world? Not so much.

Now if your personal experience is different... yay for you. But in contemporary fiction, using the real world as your fictional world and taking the norms that are most likely attributable to say, modern America and building your fictional world off that very real world, if condom use isn't specified, condoms probably weren't used. It is no different than world building in say medieval times- real world, with real people in a real time period, or world building in a contemporary setting with again, a real world with real people in a real time period. It is in the world building that one should try to remain true to the realities of the world in which your fiction is set.

Sadly, our contemporary real world isn't about condom use all the time. So if the fictional world build on real contemporary world models doesn't specify condoms use, again, condoms probably weren't used. Because in our society today, no mention of condoms means condoms probably weren't used.

This could be as a result of the plot device or to show unsafe sex practices or some other real thing in a fictional setting.

And given that condom use is sketchy in the real world, condom use in fiction is sketchy as well unless it is deliberately mentioned.

Even if the real world had a 50/50 default sex with condom use as without, in the fictional world, it should be specified.

Anyone is, of course, free to write their fiction however they like. I write mine with specified condom use because I don't think readers assume their use as a matter of course.

And yes, that says something about our real world. Doesn't matter in my fictional writing. My message in my works of fiction aren't soapboxes for me to rant about how condoms should be used every time and assumed as the default. My fiction work is about romance and happily ever afters. My blog, on the other hand, might contain arguments of this kinds. But as much as I hate reading other writers' preaching messages to me in their works of fiction about social mores and what they think social norms ought to be, I try not to do it as a writer myself.

A brief mention of the condom is enough for me. I am not really interested on how much of an expert he is on this area.
I also think it shouldn't be there in all the sex scenes the couple shares (if the circunstances remain the same). I mean, if you have established early on that they have safe sex, I'll assume they have safe sex all the time until you tell me otherwise.

I'm mostly writing horror, but have plans for a romance (maybe).

If I do take the plunge I will avoid condoms like the plague. It's a fantasy, not reality.

The same magic fairy that make the girl not fart in her sleep ever, nor smell bad after a sweaty night, will take care of STD's and pregnancies.

Really - otherwise I also need to figure out where she is in her cycle and when her period is coming up.

Will they abstain or have bloody sex? Will they discuss this?

I find too much realism really hurts my idea of romance. :-/

WormHeart

WormHeart said:

Really - otherwise I also need to figure out where she is in her cycle and when her period is coming up.

Will they abstain or have bloody sex? Will they discuss this?

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Sometimes they do discuss this, in some of Catherine Coulter's historical romances. While I'm not a Coulter fan, I found that more realistic than the heroine never having a period, and having sex all the time. And there's the infamous tampon scene in Fifty Shades of Grey.

Queen of Swords said:

And there's the infamous tampon scene in Fifty Shades of Grey.

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Too much!

WormHeart said:

Really - otherwise I also need to figure out where she is in her cycle and when her period is coming up.

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Actually, periods and her cycle make their way into a lot of books. It's not a featured book highlight, any more than it's the highlight of any woman's month, but it comes up.

Just an FYI for those of you who are anti-condom in romance. Most publishers now require safe sexual practices.

I once received an R&R for a science fiction novel because condoms weren't used. (honestly, let's hope by the time we've mastered faster than light travel, we've found a better way to prevent disease). Did I rewrite the sex scene? Yes. I didn't have my characters use condoms because I felt their use was anachronistic, but I did explain why they weren't necessary.

The fact of the matter is, if you want to be published, you have to play by the rules. And these days, safe sex is the rule. If you don't care about being published, whatever. But taking a hard line "I won't write about condom use" approach is frankly, rather short-sighted.