Help with a sentence, or two.

alldis · May 14, 2013

Hi Guys,

Having trouble with this line. Can you tell me which one is correct, and if there are multiple correct versions, which one is most pleasing to read.

Thanks.

My hands were shaking. Of all the houses in the outskirts, I had to be breaking back into this one.

My hands were shaking – of all the houses in the outskirts, I had to be breaking back into this one.

My hands were shaking; of all the houses in the outskirts, I had to be breaking back into this one.

A.

evilrooster · May 14, 2013

1 and 3 are correct.

I strongly prefer 1. Separating it into two sentences increases the immediacy and impact.

Diver · May 14, 2013

Another vote for number 1.

Kerosene · May 14, 2013

Maryn · May 14, 2013

I also like 1--but I don't like "breaking back into this one." Is the narrator breaking into it for a second time? It's just a bit ungainly, especially with "breaking back" having another meaning. I had to shift mental gears.

Maryn, nit picker

Chase · May 14, 2013

alldis said:
My hands were shaking. Of all the houses in the outskirts, I had to be breaking back into this one.

My hands were shaking – of all the houses in the outskirts, I had to be breaking back into this one.

My hands were shaking; of all the houses in the outskirts, I had to be breaking back into this one.

I'd go with the first, two sentence, version, although I would consider rewriting the last clause to something like: . . . I was breaking and entering this one for the second time.

The em-dash and semicolon versions are correct, but door one is my first choice.

Yes, I'm pretending I didn't read all the other really good responses above. It's a Grammar and Syntax tradition.

Princess Marina · May 14, 2013

I agree 1 is best. 3 is correct English but less effective. But I'd be grateful for the reasons why no 2 is wrong. I don't like sentences being hyphenated but assumed that was just because I'm 1) English and 2) old school.

Many writers these days seem to use that construction. So is it actually wrong to hyphenate sentences this way and why are editors allowing it through if it is bad English?

Chase · May 14, 2013

Princess Marina said:
So is it actually wrong to hyphenate sentences this way. . . .

I'm with you, your majesty. The dash is okay with this old English teacher and new editor.

evilrooster · May 14, 2013

I wasn't sure about 2, and I felt that 1 was the strongest. So I chickened out.

I figure I'm entitled to, all things considered.

ArtsyAmy · May 14, 2013

I'm an oddball; I like the 3rd one best.

I don't think I would have thought to use a semicolon where you did. But after seeing it that way, I got more of a sense that the reason his hands were shaking was because he was breaking into that particular house. If that's what you are going for, I think 3 is better than 1.

slhuang · May 14, 2013

I believe all three sentences are grammatically correct.

As for my preferences:

* I agree with the other posters that #1 is the smoothest and most effective construction.
* I agree with changing the "breaking back into" construction -- I completely missed the "back" when I first read it, in fact, and only had my attention drawn to it by the other comments.
* Stylistically, I believe simple past is generally preferred to past progressive, so depending on the context you may wish to change the first sentence to, "My hands shook." (Overusing the past progressive is a huge bugaboo for me personally, so I'm on the lookout for it.

)

With regard to the second version:

I agree 1 is best. 3 is correct English but less effective. But I'd be grateful for the reasons why no 2 is wrong. I don't like sentences being hyphenated but assumed that was just because I'm 1) English and 2) old school.

Many writers these days seem to use that construction. So is it actually wrong to hyphenate sentences this way and why are editors allowing it through if it is bad English?

It would be incorrect if the OP had hyphenated it, but alldis correctly used a dash (an en dash with spaces; I might have checked the page source because I am a nerd). A dash can be used to break off clauses or phrases in a sentence; a hyphen cannot. A dash and a hyphen are distinct punctuation marks and are used for different purposes; using them interchangeably would be grammatically incorrect.

</nerd>

But yes, as punctuated, I believe it's correct. It just doesn't scan particularly well, IMHO.

Chase · May 14, 2013

evilrooster said:
So I chickened out.

You're a good egg. I think we all pecked the right one, except for ArtsyAmy, who was most likely making a yoke.

guttersquid · May 14, 2013

alldis said:
Of all the houses in the outskirts, I had to be breaking back into this one.

Is that sentence even grammatically correct?

I may be wrong, but isn't "Of all the houses in the outskirts" an introductory appositive phrase? If so, aren't appositive phrases supposed to refer to the subject of the sentence, which in this case is "I"? But this phrase refers to "this one," a house.

Compare these sentences:

An artist, my house is painted in many colors. (incorrect)
An artist, I painted my house in many colors. (correct)

So maybe the sentence should be be something like:

Of all the houses in the outskirts, this one was the last I should be breaking back into.

ETA:

Upon reflection, I see the original sentence is like (paraphrasing from Casablanca) "Of all the gin joints in the city, she had to walk into mine."

So maybe I am wrong. But I still think my version offers a decent solution.

evilrooster · May 14, 2013

Chase said:
You're a good egg. I think we all pecked the right one, except for ArtsyAmy, who was most likely making a yoke.

Call me shellow, but I appreciate that...feather or not you meant it seriously.

guttersquid said:
Is that sentence even grammatically correct?

I may be wrong, but isn't "Of all the houses in the outskirts" an introductory appositive phrase? If so, aren't appositive phrases supposed to refer to the subject of the sentence, which in this case is "I"? But this phrase refers to "this one," a house.

It's not an introductory appositive phrase, because it doesn't refer to the subject of the sentence. It's merely a prepositional phrase modifying "this one", moved to the front of the sentence for dramatic emphasis.

Yours is also correct. The question is what word order creates the effect the author is looking for. The riff on Casablanca sets a particular tone that -- if it's intentional -- is very effective.

guttersquid · May 14, 2013

Thanks, evil rooster, for the clarification. This then is my suggestion:

Of all the houses in the outskirts, I had to be breaking into this one again.

alldis · May 14, 2013

Thanks for the advice guys. I hates me some syntax sometimes.

slhuang said:
With regard to the second version:

It would be incorrect if the OP had hyphenated it, but alldis correctly used a dash (an en dash with spaces; I might have checked the page source because I am a nerd). A dash can be used to break off clauses or phrases in a sentence; a hyphen cannot. A dash and a hyphen are distinct punctuation marks and are used for different purposes; using them interchangeably would be grammatically incorrect.

Ha. I think my proper use of the em dash comes from my being a graphic designer. It's just second nature to use the dash and save the hyphens for phone numbers and URLs.

ArtsyAmy said:
I'm an oddball; I like the 3rd one best.

I don't think I would have thought to use a semicolon where you did. But after seeing it that way, I got more of a sense that the reason his hands were shaking was because he was breaking into that particular house. If that's what you are going for, I think 3 is better than 1.

You're correct ArtsyAmy, his hands are shaking because of his history with the house but also because he's dangerously close to getting caught by some folks that are a touch, um, murder-y.

Thanks again to all for the help.
A.

snc84 · May 14, 2013

slhuang said:
* I agree with changing the "breaking back into" construction -- I completely missed the "back" when I first read it, in fact, and only had my attention drawn to it by the other comments.

I did this too. I'm sure in the context of the work, I would have had other clues that this was something that had already happened and therefore would have picked up on it. But if not, you might want to emphasize this point(italics or something).

As for the original question, I like both 1 and 3, leaning more towards 3(but I like semicolons. I seem to cut massive amounts of them from my own work)

Princess Marina · May 15, 2013

Slhuang says:-
With regard to the second version:

It would be incorrect if the OP had hyphenated it, but alldis correctly used a dash (an en dash with spaces; I might have checked the page source because I am a nerd). A dash can be used to break off clauses or phrases in a sentence; a hyphen cannot. A dash and a hyphen are distinct punctuation marks and are used for different purposes; using them interchangeably would be grammatically incorrect.

</nerd>

But yes, as punctuated, I believe it's correct. It just doesn't scan particularly well, IMHO.

Princess Marina replies:-

Thank you Slhuang and others for your explanations. I take the correction of calling hyphens, dashes in this context and will so describe in future.

The correct title for a Princess is "Your Royal Highness, Not Majesty which only applies to a King or Queen." But as it is just a site name I don't care.

Chase · May 15, 2013

Princess Marina said:
The correct title for a Princess is "Your Royal Highness, Not Majesty which only applies to a King or Queen." But as it is just a site name I don't care.

A pox on this lowly colonist whose family hails from Nottingham, your royal highness. I stand corrected.

Actually, I'm bent over corrected, because my back went out with all the :Hail:

bowing.

Help with a sentence, or two.

alldis

Temet Nosce

evilrooster

Wicked chicken

Diver

keyboard crawler

Kerosene

Your Pixie Queen

Maryn

I Tried

Chase

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Princess Marina

Princess Marina

Chase

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evilrooster

Wicked chicken

ArtsyAmy

slhuang

Inappropriately math-oriented.

Chase

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guttersquid

I agree with Roxxsmom.

evilrooster

Wicked chicken

guttersquid

I agree with Roxxsmom.

alldis

Temet Nosce

snc84

Princess Marina

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Chase

It Takes All of Us to End Racism