Starting to doubt myself

GigiF · May 10, 2013

Hi all. Haven't been on the forums for a while - been reading occasionally but not posting. I've just been too busy. I was laid off last September and spent 24/7 working on my own thing which has eventually led to finding a new job. Phew. (Not sure why I needed to mention that but there you go...)

Anyway. I've never stopped working on my MS in all that time. I slowed down when I was too busy but now I'm back on my normal work flow of 'a little bit each day'.

I'm almost in my 4th year of writing this story. I've learned a lot along the way and the current version is much, much better than my 1st draft. It's almost a different story! That's because I've had to rewrite so much of it again and again due to my lack of experience and skill in actually writing a MS. Even in this current sweep (about the 8th or 9th) I've added entire sections to beef it up a bit and I'm now going through and replacing one character for another because they weren't right.

Once this sweep is finished, I'm going to have to do at least another one just to go over my changes and check for mistakes etc.

But now that I've reached this point. Thinking in my mind that I should hopefully be finished after the next sweep, I'm suddenly starting to think that it's not good enough. This is probably the best I can achieve. I've worked hard to get it to this state and it's still not good enough to publish.

The story itself is a really good one - I'm very happy with it. It's the technique of writing and quality of the words that I'm really not sure about. I re-read entire chapters and think 'that doesn't sound good enough. I'm not explaining it well enough, the words are not good enough'. But whilst I recognize these failings, for the first time in my life I'm looking at myself and thinking 'I can't make them any better'. I don't have it in me to write the words I've always wanted to write. My writing skills are simply not good enough and I don't have the time or energy at my age to work harder and learn more. My family, my work. I just don't have it in me.

So what do I do now? I'm facing the reality that my book will never be published (which was my goal when I started this some 4 years ago) not because it's not a good enough concept, but because I simply lack the skill to write the words.

I'm going to finish it, there's no doubt of that. I'm not going to leave it now. But once it's done, I can't see myself giving so much of my life to writing another one.

Anyone offer words of comfort? Maybe someone can just tell me to shut the F up and man-up? Anything'll do right now...

cornflake · May 10, 2013

First, that's not a rare feeling. Same as the 'soon as it's found out I'm just a sham and don't really know what I'm doing at this good job I've got, I'll be fired,' feeling.

Second, I obviously haven't read your ms., and it may indeed be lacking, but in a general sense, Dunning and Kruger say while it may not be what you wish, it's unlikely it's as bad as you think. The Dunning-Kruger effect.

Finally, well, no one says you have to revise it. If it's a really good story, conveyed well or even competently, the lack of outstanding, elevated language won't sink it. Witness the existence of many published works. Twilight isn't even a good story.

I'd say work on what you're doing, then take a step back and put it aside for a bit. Work on something else - something fun. Write something not in your genre, something interesting or random for no particular purpose. Remember why you like to write. Then look at it again, write up a query, send it out. If you're convinced it won't be sold, you're no worse off for tossing it out there.

GigiF · May 10, 2013

Thanks for that Cornflake. I had a good read and it sounds like me.

I think the plan has to be to complete this revision, go over the additional scenes for errors and then? Well, then I'm not sure. I think the first thing I'd like to do is just let my kids read it. See how much interest they take in it. Maybe think about finding a good beta reader? Dunno. One step at a time for now. Just completing it will be a major achievement for me - someone who rarely finishes anything they start.

Barbara R. · May 10, 2013

It's hard to judge our own work. Most people think it's better than it is; others underestimate it. You can't really know if it's publishable until you send it out and test the market; and your current feeling about the ms. could be just part of the natural ebb and flow of emotion when you create a long work like a novel.

But let's say you're right: you send it out and get no takers. You've brought the book as far as you can on your own already, you've learned a lot, but you're not quite there yet. I would say that if you're serious about writing, you should consider a writing course or a professional evaluation of your ms. The whole idea behind fresh eyes is that they can help you go further than you can go on your own. A good course gives you tools you can apply not only to the WIP but also to everything you write hereafter.

Provided, of course, you find the right eyes. I teach, and by now I have a whole bunch of students who've gone on to publish (very proud of them!), but I'm certainly not the only good writing teacher out there. Here's a list of criteria to apply should you consider taking a class --just scroll down the page a bit. If you ever consider hiring an outside evaluator/editor, make sure you get a sample edit first and make sure it knocks your socks off before contracting with someone.

That's it--my daily quota of advice!

GigiF · May 10, 2013

Hi Barbara.

Thanks very much for your post. I knew that people offered this as a service but I've always been wary after reading so many horror stories. However it feels that I can gain so much by doing this once I've completed my latest revision. For someone who knows the industry to just read it and tell me if they think it's a starter or not would really help me. Even if the worst is true and I was told it simply isn't good enough, well, at least I'd know.

I may well contact you in a few months.

Barbara R. · May 10, 2013

GigiF said:
Hi Barbara.

Thanks very much for your post. I knew that people offered this as a service but I've always been wary after reading so many horror stories. However it feels that I can gain so much by doing this once I've completed my latest revision. For someone who knows the industry to just read it and tell me if they think it's a starter or not would really help me. Even if the worst is true and I was told it simply isn't good enough, well, at least I'd know.

I may well contact you in a few months.

You're most welcome to do that. If you have any interest at all in the workshops, your best bet is to email me at next.level.workshop (at) gmail.com and ask to be on the emailing list for workshops. People on that list get the first notification of new courses, and generally the classes (which I keep small) fill up immediately from that list.

Don't believe I've ever told anyone their work's "just not good enough." I always focus on what they can do to improve it. You can't tell from a first draft how a book is going to turn out--and you're still in Firstdraftland.

EMaree · May 10, 2013

TO me it sounds like you need a break to write something new. I've been working on one of my novels for 4+ years, too, and it got to the point where I viciously hated the thing and thought it had no redeeming qualities.

So I wrote two new books, and I learned a lot of new things about my strengths, my weaknesses, and the stories I like to write.

Now, when the time comes to go back to that old novel, I've got a lot of new ideas to try out on it. I feel refreshed. It's still going to be difficult, but at least it won't be like pulling teeth this time around.

thelittleprince · May 10, 2013

I second the idea of doing a writing course. I did one a couple of years ago and it didn't only give me some great ideas (technical, market-place related and creative) but also renewed my passion for writing, which was dragging a bit.

It is also great to find some other writers to share work with and get critique - have you had anyone read your writing? Sometimes when you do you get those "ah ha" moments, when you are told something is wrong with your story that you have totally missed, because you are too close to it. Sharing with other writers can also be very encouraging, because they will tell you things you are doing well. Which is nice, particularly when you are feeling bad about your own abilities and capacity.

ChristineJ · May 11, 2013

Have you tried posting some of your work in the Share Your Work section? I've seen people give some really insightful critiques there.

If it does turn out that your prose isn't quite up to snuff but your concept and plot and pacing etc are all good, you could always look into collaborating with another writer. I'm not suggesting myself, but I'm sure there are other writers like me whose strength is the prose and describing a scene, but struggle with the overwhelming task of creating a whole work that holds together well in terms of plot and concept and actually has something to say.

Laura J · May 13, 2013

I sometimes feel that way too. If it were me, I would probably start something new. That's what I did. Almost two years ago, I started my first book. I think it could be amazing, but, I'm just not ready to write it yet. So, I put it away and will come back when my skills can give it the voice it deserves. I'm not there yet.

So I started another that I've almost finished revising. That's a count of two complete first drafts in a year and a half. This one is where I am now, as a writer. So I am revising it and editing. But, and here is my second thought for you. My CP told me I am now over editing the life out of the beginning and not working on the middle and end, in my effort to make it perfect. i cut cut cut and cut out things that were imprtant in my effort to make it tight, after reading up on tightening writing. you see where this is going.

So, I'm skipping ahead right now actually, and I'm re-outlining during another read through. I need to realign the story, fix the holes, but not linger too long. Then I will hand it off to a couple of my betas, fix what they find, and be done. Ready to start submitting by July. My mentor feels I need to see it through. Submit it everywhere, learn and if it doesn't sell, she has offered to self publish it with me. Just to have the experience, all the while traditional is my goal. And maybe it is the next one that is right.

I started a third, just to keep me moving and not too focused on just one book. At first I was worried I would have other stories to tell, but now I have a notebook full.

I don't have specific experience to share with you, but I'm new too and I think everyone feels this way. It is okay to start something even if the other one isn't finished. You can always go back. Waiting to 'complete' that one, held me up. So, I typed The End, and moved on. Felt great, btw.

Does it feel forced? Can you move on?

Debbie V · May 13, 2013

Summing up: post in SYW, find a critique group, give this one a rest for a while and work on something new, and take a class. I suggest all of the above. Also, locate conferences and workshops for writers in your genre in you area - they are energizing and can help you find that critique group.

GigiF · May 31, 2013

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I'm over half way through the latest revision and I really feel I need to finish at least that. I think I've done the hard part (The first half of the book has always had the most problems whereas the second half seemed to just click anyway).

Once this revision is complete, I intend to let certain people read it. I have a friend who has self published many books and he's given me some very helpful feedback in the past.

I'm also going to let my wife & kids read it to see what they think and I might either try and find a beta reader on here or get a professional such as Barbara to take a look. I think I can spend a few hundred pounds on getting that feedback.

I think a course of some kind would be great, but they're not easy to find for me due to the hectic nature of my life (I don't have time to scratch my arse as we say in these parts)..

At the moment, I'm taking it one step at a time. Step 1 - finish this current revision.

Thanks again!!

lolchemist · May 31, 2013

STOP DOUBTING YOURSELF! You put 4 years into this story, you already know it's good! Just keep going!

praktikle1 · Jun 1, 2013

GigiF said:
Hi all. Haven't been on the forums for a while - been reading occasionally but not posting. I've just been too busy. I was laid off last September and spent 24/7 working on my own thing which has eventually led to finding a new job. Phew. (Not sure why I needed to mention that but there you go...)

Anyway. I've never stopped working on my MS in all that time. I slowed down when I was too busy but now I'm back on my normal work flow of 'a little bit each day'.

I'm almost in my 4th year of writing this story. I've learned a lot along the way and the current version is much, much better than my 1st draft. It's almost a different story! That's because I've had to rewrite so much of it again and again due to my lack of experience and skill in actually writing a MS. Even in this current sweep (about the 8th or 9th) I've added entire sections to beef it up a bit and I'm now going through and replacing one character for another because they weren't right.

Once this sweep is finished, I'm going to have to do at least another one just to go over my changes and check for mistakes etc.

But now that I've reached this point. Thinking in my mind that I should hopefully be finished after the next sweep, I'm suddenly starting to think that it's not good enough. This is probably the best I can achieve. I've worked hard to get it to this state and it's still not good enough to publish.

The story itself is a really good one - I'm very happy with it. It's the technique of writing and quality of the words that I'm really not sure about. I re-read entire chapters and think 'that doesn't sound good enough. I'm not explaining it well enough, the words are not good enough'. But whilst I recognize these failings, for the first time in my life I'm looking at myself and thinking 'I can't make them any better'. I don't have it in me to write the words I've always wanted to write. My writing skills are simply not good enough and I don't have the time or energy at my age to work harder and learn more. My family, my work. I just don't have it in me.

So what do I do now? I'm facing the reality that my book will never be published (which was my goal when I started this some 4 years ago) not because it's not a good enough concept, but because I simply lack the skill to write the words.

I'm going to finish it, there's no doubt of that. I'm not going to leave it now. But once it's done, I can't see myself giving so much of my life to writing another one.

Anyone offer words of comfort? Maybe someone can just tell me to shut the F up and man-up? Anything'll do right now...

You're not alone. I've been working on a novel for 5 years I have about 80000 words with 18 chapters. I got to a point where I just couldn't write anymore. I know it's a really good story but it's still difficult to get the confidence to complete it. I shifted to a different writing. I think I would categorize it as a MGF. I have been working on this one for about six months and I am on my 4th rewrite. (10,000 words) It is just about done but I am having a hard time taking that last step. The only one that I have let read either book is my 16 year old son. He says they are both great, but he's my son. I don't know if he would tell me if they really sucked.
The words of comfort that I can offer you are "What you are feeling is normal and you are not alone."
We are both inexperienced writers which I am sure is the reason we are going through this. We both have to just keep going until we reach our goal.

Debbie V · Jun 3, 2013

GigiF said:
I think a course of some kind would be great, but they're not easy to find for me due to the hectic nature of my life (I don't have time to scratch my arse as we say in these parts)..

You might find an online course. These can be fit around your schedule. Gotham writers have some. I know nothing about them and have not taken any, but the internet is your friend for this.

SeeM0 · Jun 6, 2013

Hang in there GigiF! As writers we all have moments of uncertainty. When I finished my first M/S a few months ago, the sense of accomplishment was overwhelming. I may never sell one book, but I worked hard on this M/S, so I printed out all 200+ pages, took a step back, and smiled. No one may ever read it, other people might not even like it, but I did. I saw something I believed in through and in the end, it was all that really matter to me.

You’ll finish and when you do, the question of what to do next will come.

Starting to doubt myself

GigiF

cornflake

practical experience, FTW

GigiF

Barbara R.

Old Hand in the Biz

GigiF

Barbara R.

Old Hand in the Biz

EMaree

a demon for tea

thelittleprince

ChristineJ

Laura J

Odessa Quinn

Debbie V

Mentoring Myself and Others

GigiF

lolchemist

Shooting stars.

praktikle1

Debbie V

Mentoring Myself and Others

SeeM0