What would she see?

lhuds21 · Oct 29, 2012

In another part of my story, a girl watches her love interest from her bedroom (they live next door). So far I have:

Marnie watched from her bedroom window, her eyes glued to the windows of the middle room of the third floor

So far though, anything I write to describe what she sees seems really stupid and repetitive. She watches him for a moment as he gets out of bed, chooses his clothes, etc, before he disappears to the bathroom. If I write "She watched Steve as he got out of bed and picked out his clothes for the day", it sounds really boring.

Suggestions?

killdeer · Oct 29, 2012

She's not actually likely to see much through the window--and what she is doing is an invasion of privacy. Depending on his habits, he might dress without drawing the blinds, and she might get a little peek at him naked, but do you actually want her to?

Consider what activities you engage in when you're in your bedroom. Everything not involving nudity is pretty dull to watch (mostly reading, occasionally cleaning).

Ellielle · Oct 29, 2012

lhuds21 said:
Suggestions?

Don't write her watching him through a window. Problem solved.

But really, are you expecting your readers to empathize with this girl? Because watching someone through their window comes across as creepy and desperate and might turn off readers (I'm not sure how much more about a girl like that I'd want to read).

Unless, of course, the girl is meant to be a twisted character. Then it might work.

But my first instinct is to wonder why she needs to be watching him through a window in the first place.

lhuds21 · Oct 29, 2012

Ellielle said:
Don't write her watching him through a window. Problem solved.

But really, are you expecting your readers to empathize with this girl? Because watching someone through their window comes across as creepy and desperate and might turn off readers (I'm not sure how much more about a girl like that I'd want to read).

Unless, of course, the girl is meant to be a twisted character. Then it might work.

But my first instinct is to wonder why she needs to be watching him through a window in the first place.

No, she's most definately twisted. The aim of the book is to follow her obsession with him, with parts of her background explaining why she is the way she is.

Ellielle · Oct 30, 2012

Alright, well, I retract my previous statement as long as staring-through-the-window isn't being portrayed as cute.

Poster above me is right, though in that most of what she sees is going to be boring, and describing her staring at him while naked would be super creepy. However, if you're going for creepy...

I'd still suggest keeping these watching sections to a minimum, because of the potential for boredom. Don't detail everything that she's watching this guy do, because what he's doing won't be interesting. Keep the scenes in her head and focused on her feelings and thoughts. Reading about her twisted rationalization might be more interesting than reading about some guy lounging around in his room doing nothing of interest.

And keep these scenes short, unless they're moving the plot along in some way.

Remember the basic elements of a scene: goal (what the protag wants), obstacle (what stands in the way) and stakes (what happens if protag doesn't get what he/she wants).

lhuds21 · Oct 30, 2012

Ellielle said:
Alright, well, I retract my previous statement as long as staring-through-the-window isn't being portrayed as cute.

Poster above me is right, though in that most of what she sees is going to be boring, and describing her staring at him while naked would be super creepy. However, if you're going for creepy...

I'd still suggest keeping these watching sections to a minimum, because of the potential for boredom. Don't detail everything that she's watching this guy do, because what he's doing won't be interesting. Keep the scenes in her head and focused on her feelings and thoughts. Reading about her twisted rationalization might be more interesting than reading about some guy lounging around in his room doing nothing of interest.

And keep these scenes short, unless they're moving the plot along in some way. Remember the basic elements of a scene: goal (what the protag wants), obstacle (what stands in the way) and stakes (what happens if protag doesn't get what he/she wants).

I definately agree with what you're saying. See, I'm planning for it to go from slightly obsessed high school crush (leaving notes, hanging out a little too much) to slightly stalkerish (watching, following) to full blown stalker (threatening, causing physical bodily harm). It's just that watching him through a window seems to be a good place to start.

little_e · Oct 30, 2012

You don't want a blow by blow of what she's seeing, but of what she's perceiving/it means to her.
Compare:
"My husband got out of the shower, dried off, and left his towel on the floor,"
and "My husband got out of the shower and left his towel on the floor. Again."
Or, "Mary watched Joe dress. Joe put on jeans and a t-shirt and went outside,"
and "Mary watched Joe picked out a red shirt and jeans, then ransacked her closet until she found a red blouse and blue jean skirt. Perfect, as always."

NeuroFizz · Oct 30, 2012

I always hate it when my eyes get glued to things. I'm thankful for my little vial of glue solvent (I think the brand name is called "editing").

bearilou · Oct 30, 2012

NeuroFizz said:
I always hate it when my eyes get glued to things. I'm thankful for my little vial of glue solvent (I think the brand name is called "editing").

GAH I couldn't remember the name! Thanks, NF!

:ROFL:

To the op.

Since you've said your MC is a bit creepy obsessive about this guy then maybe pulled the POV in tight and instead of describing blow-by-blow of what she sees (filtering?) the object of her obsession is doing in the window, describe what she's feeling and thinking every time he appears in view. How her heart races. How she gets pissed when she can't clearly see him. He's talking on the phone? Who? What does her mind automatically assume? Is she jealous, thinking that he's talking to another girl? What physical reactions it elicits when she sees he doesn't have a shirt on.

Now would be a good time for some character introspection and delving into her head. Don't go on and on (which can be taken care of in editing) but the scene could be used for character development and growth.

NeuroFizz · Oct 30, 2012

bearilou said:
Since you've said your MC is a bit creepy obsessive about this guy then maybe pulled the POV in tight and instead of describing blow-by-blow of what she sees (filtering?) the object of her obsession is doing in the window, describe what she's feeling and thinking every time he appears in view. How her heart races. How she gets pissed when she can't clearly see him. He's talking on the phone? Who? What does her mind automatically assume? Is she jealous, thinking that he's talking to another girl? What physical reactions it elicits when she sees he doesn't have a shirt on.

Now would be a good time for some character introspection and delving into her head. Don't go on and on (which can be taken care of in editing) but the scene could be used for character development and growth.

To follow this, if you want to make this really creepy, have the peeper do something that will show her creepiness. Maybe call him on the phone (without saying anything) because she knows he keeps his phone on a table within the window's view. She could do something like this repeatedly, or when she suspects he is changing his clothes or he is in the shower. Add deviousness to creepy and you can increase the stakes of the slimy-quotient.

quicklime · Oct 30, 2012

lhuds21 said:
I definately agree with what you're saying. See, I'm planning for it to go from slightly obsessed high school crush (leaving notes, hanging out a little too much) to slightly stalkerish (watching, following) to full blown stalker (threatening, causing physical bodily harm). It's just that watching him through a window seems to be a good place to start.

lhuds,

you've been on a question streak, and there's no shame in that at all, but so far I've seen one today about what someone sees watching a lover, one about what they see in a strip club, and one about typewriter vs pen. The over-arching theme I am getting is you're very new, and need to get a bit more comfortable in your skin, because two of those are completely dependent upon your narrator and one is the sort of personal preference you can only answer by actually sitting down and figuring it out for yourself.

For what they'd see, imagine one narrator (Carol) is a girl who was raised churchy, has boundary issues but puts the boyfriend on a pedestal, and imagine another narrator (also Carol below) who came from a broken home, a history of cheating and abusive men, and a hardscrabble, mean life. Both see the same guy getting out of the same bed, but their entire upbringing, every ounce of who they are, colors what they see. So the story they relate might be very different:

Steve stretched, threw the covers back, and climbed out of bed, finally separating himself from the little harlot beside him. She made a pathetic mewling sound as he pushed her away, the sin finally drained from him. He rose to his feet, leaving the pure white sheets and the stain of their sex behind him with the puffy-eyed succubus. Carol had seen the fall, but she'd also seen his redemption, his turning his back on the girl.

Steve popped out of bed every bit as quick as the cheating fuck had probably popped into it the night before, leaving the girl and ignoring her whines to come back to her. She'd learn about that soon enough, just like all the other girls had. He stood up, leaving her on the white sheets, waiting for him to return--just like Carol used to do, before she was the girl forced to watch through the window.

also note in either case if she's in love, or obsessed, and he's in bed with another woman, they are likely to be more focused on THEM than describing wall-hangings, etc. Unless she's a special sort of clinical, detatched person and that is part of the "twisted." But that's a different, third narrator as well.

courtneyv · Oct 30, 2012

Remember that you are IN a point-of-view. Right now, you have readers out of her body and mind. Based on your small sample, the way you're narrating is far too distant and void of voice, especially for this type of character. Don't say she watched. Be inside her. Name whatever stimulus draws her closer to the pane to press against the glass (a hint of his blue shirt or him lying on his bed) and say how her body is reacting, what she's thinking, feeling and fantasizing about, and drench everything in your character's voice and mood.

You don't just want to have a step-by-step relaying of the things she sees because, as you stated, that would be boring, you want to reveal character and create atmosphere about what she sees.

Susan Coffin · Oct 30, 2012

lhuds21 said:
Marnie watched from her bedroom window, her eyes glued to the windows of the middle room of the third floor.

I would suggest not have her eyes glued to the windows because it would really hurt, even with Elmer's glue.

Your sentence is wordy and does not read clearly. For example, you have her looking out the bedroom window to the middle room of the third floor of....?

Your sentence might work better if you tell us what she sees, even if it means creating two sentences. For example:

Marnie watched from the French doors as a shadow slithered by the third story window of the house across the street. Damn, she hoped he didn't see her.

BrumBall · Oct 30, 2012

How about she sees him doing something unexpected or something he shouldn't be doing? For example, she sees him smoking and drinking when he pretends to everyone he is clean and sober. How would she then use this information? Blackmail?

My WIP has a stalkerish element as well, so I have been thinking along these lines too

MythMonger · Oct 30, 2012

Maybe have her overreact to every little mundane thing he does.

For example, he puts on a shirt. The woman in the window hates or loves the shirt and assumes the man knows this. He's wearing this shirt just to tick her off/impress her.

ishtar'sgate · Oct 30, 2012

lhuds21 said:
No, she's most definately twisted. The aim of the book is to follow her obsession with him, with parts of her background explaining why she is the way she is.

Oh if that's what's going on then focus more on how she feels as she watches. What's going on in her imagination and how is her body reacting?

jaksen · Oct 30, 2012

You need to put yourself into her (your MC's) skin and see her world through her eyes. This is what writers do. There's a lot of good advice here, too, of course, but the creativity must come from you. When you do this, suddenly the scene opens up in front of you and chances are you'll have too much to write about, and not be searching for things.

You could also try looking into your own house (or a friend's) at night, and ask a friend, or relative, to move around inside a room with the curtains open. You should see how to write the scene, how to make it flow, how to keep it interesting, etc.

First hand experience ftw

MythMonger · Oct 30, 2012

jaksen said:
You could also try looking into your own house (or a friend's) at night, and ask a friend, or relative, to move around inside a room with the curtains open. You should see how to write the scene, how to make it flow, how to keep it interesting, etc.

[badadvice]

But would your main character ask for permission to watch first? This is a prime opportunity to see what your friends are really up to in the privacy of their own home.

I bet they're thinking about you all the time...

[/badadvice]

BethS · Oct 30, 2012

lhuds21 said:
In another part of my story, a girl watches her love interest from her bedroom (they live next door). So far I have:

Marnie watched from her bedroom window, her eyes glued to the windows of the middle room of the third floor

So far though, anything I write to describe what she sees seems really stupid and repetitive. She watches him for a moment as he gets out of bed, chooses his clothes, etc, before he disappears to the bathroom. If I write "She watched Steve as he got out of bed and picked out his clothes for the day", it sounds really boring.

Suggestions?

Have him do something interesting. A break in the routine.

WeaselFire · Oct 30, 2012

lhuds21 said:
In another part of my story, a girl watches her love interest from her bedroom (they live next door).

So? Does it matter? Does it advance the plot or reveal something about her character? If so, write that. If not, delete the scene?

Jeff

Roxxsmom · Oct 30, 2012

Ellielle said:
Don't write her watching him through a window. Problem solved.

But really, are you expecting your readers to empathize with this girl? Because watching someone through their window comes across as creepy and desperate and might turn off readers (I'm not sure how much more about a girl like that I'd want to read).

Depends on the age of the characters and the situation. I believe there was a Judy Blume novel where the character (a pre-teenaged boy) was watching his friend's older sister (on whom he had a terrible crush) through their bedroom windows. I don't remember anyone denouncing that as being terribly unsympathetic, though as a teenage girl (at the time I read the book) it reminded me of the importance of drawing one's blinds when changing.

What is creepily obsessive in an adult is more normal in an adolescent who is just discovering his or her sexuality.

If this scene is important to plot advancement or character development, I'd keep it brief, though.

Soccer Mom · Oct 30, 2012

Locking because OP has been banned.

What would she see?

lhuds21

killdeer

Ellielle

needs something clever to put here

lhuds21

Ellielle

needs something clever to put here

lhuds21

little_e

Trust: that most precious coin.

NeuroFizz

The grad students did it

bearilou

DenturePunk writer

NeuroFizz

The grad students did it

quicklime

all out of fucks to give

courtneyv

Susan Coffin

Tell it like it Is

BrumBall

Keep Right On

MythMonger

Willing to Learn

ishtar'sgate

living in the past

jaksen

Caped Codder

MythMonger

Willing to Learn

BethS

WeaselFire

Benefactor Member

Roxxsmom

Raised by Wolves

Soccer Mom

Crypto-fascist