When They Come <200 words

shelleyo · Jun 15, 2011

When They Come

You have two choices.

One: Keep silent as you step back and spread flat into any shadow, no matter how small. Carve away the excess to make yourself fit. Look only at the boots ringed around the scrambling feet, some dug in at the heels, others dragged limply behind. Do not think about the neighbor girl who flirted each morning as she walked past, or the man who taught your son to play the piano. They will rarely think of you, after. You'll blend into a nameless, faceless Them no longer worth the energy of scrutiny. Her blush and his uneven beard won't fade with time like most memories, but will sharpen no matter how hard you press your palms against your eyelids, your temples. Understand this is your choice. Do not look up as the howling knots of people scrape past.

Two: Step forward into the flow of bodies. Grab her hand. Brace your feet in the dirt. Try. Bear whatever happens next. Suck your fingers at night and comfort yourself knowing this is the hell you would have wished for had you kept your place.

faerydancer · Jun 15, 2011

Just saw your post in the W1S1 forum and thought I'd pop on over and take a look.

I think this is really evocative. I love the images you portray here, especially "boots ringed around the scrambling feet," people that "scrape past," etc. You had me feeling like I was trying to push myself into a corner and stay hidden and out of life.

My only concern is that this may not be a story. I'm not entirely sure. There's a lot implied here--the neighbor girl that flirts, the man that taught piano and the "you" that is reluctant to engage. But I'm not certain if that's enough. Sorry this isn't more helpful, but I've been in a similar situation with a story. It had a beautiful flow in its brief form but the subject wasn't clear. When I expanded the piece it lost the rhythm. I'd be interested in seeing what other people say as well.

Have you considered converting this into a poem? It has a lovely free verse quality to it.

zanzjan · Jun 15, 2011

I think it's really good. My only two nitpicks:
1. I had to read it twice to get that "some dug in at the heels, others dragged limply behind" referred to the feet, not the boots.
2. I'm not sure about the meaning of the imagery of sucking on fingers.

I am a bit torn about the disconnect in it from any actual setting/character info. On the one hand, that all we know about are the boots and feet, the beard and the smile, little disconnected pieces of image, fits well into the sense of trying to hide and be separate from whatever events are transpiring. At the same time, I can't help but wonder if just a few more crumbs could be dropped. Is it cold? (is that why one might suck one's fingers?) What does the ground look like beneath those feet? Frozen, hard, barren dirt, snow, etc.? What ambient sounds are there? (Howling knots of people makes me think of sound, but in some ways makes me think of motion more.)

Something to consider, anyway. As always, I could be completely wrong.

-Suzanne

shelleyo · Jun 15, 2011

zanzjan said:
I think it's really good. My only two nitpicks:
1. I had to read it twice to get that "some dug in at the heels, others dragged limply behind" referred to the feet, not the boots.
2. I'm not sure about the meaning of the imagery of sucking on fingers.

I am a bit torn about the disconnect in it from any actual setting/character info. On the one hand, that all we know about are the boots and feet, the beard and the smile, little disconnected pieces of image, fits well into the sense of trying to hide and be separate from whatever events are transpiring. At the same time, I can't help but wonder if just a few more crumbs could be dropped. Is it cold? (is that why one might suck one's fingers?) What does the ground look like beneath those feet? Frozen, hard, barren dirt, snow, etc.? What ambient sounds are there? (Howling knots of people makes me think of sound, but in some ways makes me think of motion more.)

Something to consider, anyway. As always, I could be completely wrong.

-Suzanne

Suzanne, thanks for your thoughts. I hadn't considered that about the boots and the feet, but I can see now where it might stop a reader.

I do worry that my meaning didn't come across at all, because you wondered why the sucking the fingers. That's because hungry babies suck their fingers, and I can imagine someone faced with extreme hunger (as one would in a camp) might do that just for the movement or for the comfort of it. Does that make sense, or does that seem far away from what you'd imagined? I may need to add a few words before it to logically lead to it. It's given me something to think about.

Thank you!

Shelley

faerydancer · Jun 15, 2011

I didn't pick up on the sucking of fingers thing, either. Now that you've explained it, I think the image works well. But yes, you may need to add a bit more to give the reader something solid to hold onto. I love when stories are vague and leave the reader on a feeling rather than something concrete, but you may need to add a little more to paint the picture before you leave the reader wondering. Just my opinion, of course.

soapdish · Jun 15, 2011

As someone said already, very evocative. Though, I am a bit lost as to what is happening. I was envisioning the Gestapo (or some version of a secret police) coming in and rounding up people at first. :tongue

That first part suggested that to me, but then later I realized that wasn't it.

The sucking of the fingers suggested to me extreme terror. Babies (like NB - 3mo-ish) usually suck their hands or knuckles when they are hungry. But fingers...fingers is like thumb sucking--which in my experience has nothing to do with hunger, but more to do with soothing. So the hunger part did not come across to me at all.

You're getting some great feedback, Shelley. Just a tiny bit more dropped in and I think you'll have it.

Lillie · Jun 15, 2011

It's wonderful writing. But I have to confess that I was a little puzzled too.

At first I thought it was the Zombie Apocalypse, and the choice was to hide from them or become one of them.

Actually, I still think it's the Zombie Apocalypse, except that they would bite their own fingers off rather than suck them.

But it's beautiful. Puzzling but beautiful.
'Carve away the excess to make yourself fit.'
That's wonderful.

shelleyo · Jun 15, 2011

soapdish said:
As someone said already, very evocative. Though, I am a bit lost as to what is happening. I was envisioning the Gestapo (or some version of a secret police) coming in and rounding up people at first. That first part suggested that to me, but then later I realized that wasn't it.

Pssst. That's actually it. Don't tell nobody.

So was it the last line that made you think you were wrong?

And thanks!

Shelley

shelleyo · Jun 15, 2011

Lillie said:
It's wonderful writing. But I have to confess that I was a little puzzled too.

At first I thought it was the Zombie Apocalypse, and the choice was to hide from them or become one of them.

Actually, I still think it's the Zombie Apocalypse, except that they would bite their own fingers off rather than suck them.

But it's beautiful. Puzzling but beautiful.
'Carve away the excess to make yourself fit.'
That's wonderful.

Zombie apocalypse. That's going to make me smile for a couple of days. Nope, no zombies. Heh.

Thank you! I'm flattered at your compliments, and think I'm starting to see where it breaks down.

brainsssss

Shelley

soapdish · Jun 15, 2011

what do I win?

Er...

Well, actually, I thought that the MC was *not* a part of those being round up. I envisioned him being the one who was selling their names or something. But option 2, where he joins them...that's what throws me. (it's a he, right?)

shelleyo · Jun 15, 2011

Er...

Well, actually, I thought that the MC was *not* a part of those being round up. I envisioned him being the one who was selling their names or something. But option 2, where he joins them...that's what throws me. (it's a he, right?)

It's a he. Here are my thoughts. It says in the beginning that you have two choices, then lists each one, so one doesn't follow the other. He can choose to stay silent while friends and neighbors are taken away, to protect himself, and then have to live with the horror of that, or he can choose to stand up for them and live with the horror of that.

The last line, which seems to be a problem and is of course my darling I don't want to kill, is saying that if he chooses option two and ends up taken away with the rest because he refused to stand back and do nothing, he can comfort himself by knowing that eventually, had he saved himself, he would have wished he had chosen differently rather than be haunted by guilt, shame and the horror of standing by. I actually threw in the "suck your fingers at night" to imply hunger like there might in an internment camp as well as the comfort it might offer, but I guess that alone doesn't imply hunger and seems to confuse it.

soapdish said:
what do I win?

My undying affection! :Hail:

Sorry it's not a pony or gold!

Shelley

alexshvartsman · Jun 15, 2011

I have to admit that I did not get the whole gestapo/internment camp thing at all from reading the MS. I thought that the nameless/faceless bodies thing was an allegory and the entire piece was about the difference between choosing to act or remaining passive, which is a choice all of us face very often in life.

Overall the writing was good though I stumbled a bit on the somewhat flowery description and then again on the sucking of fingers thing. I'd replace that reference with something more.. well, scary I guess. It feels more comical than terrifying to me.

FWIW I have very little experience with 200 word stories OR non-SF/F literary fic, so please feel free to ignore me

soapdish · Jun 15, 2011

shelleyo said:
It's a he. Here are my thoughts. It says in the beginning that you have two choices, then lists each one, so one doesn't follow the other. He can choose to stay silent while friends and neighbors are taken away, to protect himself, So he is one of "them"? If this is the set-up I think it is, (Gestapo-esque) then he wouldn't have to "protect himself" if he wasn't one of them to begin with. and then have to live with the horror of that, or he can choose to stand up for them and live with the horror of that. If he "stands up for" them then this says to me, that he is *not* one of them. This is where my confusion lies.

The last line, which seems to be a problem and is of course my darling I don't want to kill, is saying that if he chooses option two and ends up taken away with the rest because he refused to stand back and do nothing, he can comfort himself by knowing that eventually, had he saved himself, he would have wished he had chosen differently rather than be haunted by guilt, shame and the horror of standing by. I actually threw in the "suck your fingers at night" to imply hunger like there might in an internment camp as well as the comfort it might offer, but I guess that alone doesn't imply hunger and seems to confuse it. The hunger/internment camp does not come across from the finger sucking thing, no. But I did get an internment camp feel otherwise. Don't cut your last line. Just explain it a little bit more, I think.

My undying affection! Sorry it's not a pony or gold!

Shelley

No pony

shelleyo · Jun 15, 2011

alexshvartsman said:
I have to admit that I did not get the whole gestapo/internment camp thing at all from reading the MS. I thought that the nameless/faceless bodies thing was an allegory and the entire piece was about the difference between choosing to act or remaining passive, which is a choice all of us face very often in life.

Overall the writing was good though I stumbled a bit on the somewhat flowery description and then again on the sucking of fingers thing. I'd replace that reference with something more.. well, scary I guess. It feels more comical than terrifying to me.

FWIW I have very little experience with 200 word stories OR non-SF/F literary fic, so please feel free to ignore me

Thanks, Alex!

Want to hear something funny/sad? I had the story in an email in my drafts folder where I'd readied it to submit to DOGZPLOT. It was rejected the first time out, I made some changes and readied to send it out again earlier today. Then I started thinking that what was clear to me might not be so much to others, and I posted it here.

I've just realized that somehow, while dicking around in my email, I sent it.

They don't take long to respond, at least, so I can revise and send it elsewhere without having to withdraw it or wait forever. But what a sinking feeling to realize I did that! I'm glad it was actually completely ready, cover letter and all. Teach me to get ahead of myself, huh?

Shelley

AnnieColleen · Jun 15, 2011

Interesting! I did get the Gestapo vibe, but it was shaky at first:

shelleyo said:
When They Come

You have two choices.

One: Keep silent as you step back and spread flat into any shadow, no matter how small. Carve away the excess to make yourself fit.

SFF reader here: this suggests some sort of magic-ish power to me, on first read. If we're talking real-world me, some shadows are just plain too small to fit. I get the metaphor/hyperbole, but in the first sentence with no context, it comes down to reader expectations. Maybe something about hoping the shadow is large enough/deep enough/out-of-the-way enough?

shelleyo said:
Look only at the boots ringed around the scrambling feet, some dug in at the heels, others dragged limply behind.

I think I get it -- choosing not to look into their faces -- but combined with the first part, this gave me the impression of hiding in the shadows under a bed or some other low place. It made for a moment of disorientation. Maybe something about looking down, bending your head down...?

shelleyo said:
Do not think about the neighbor girl who flirted each morning as she walked past, or the man who taught your son to play the piano. They will rarely think of you, after. You'll blend into a nameless, faceless Them ~~no longer worth the energy of scrutiny~~. Her blush and his uneven beard won't fade with time like most memories, ~~but will sharpen~~ no matter how hard you press your palms against your eyelids, your temples. Understand this is your choice. Do not look up as the howling knots of people scrape past.

Something about this last image jars. I think 'howling' and 'scrape' contrast oddly? (One suggesting forceful overwhelming energy, the other grudging inhibited motion). Something in that direction, anyway.

shelleyo said:
Two: Step forward into the flow of bodies. Grab her hand. Brace your feet in the dirt. Try. Bear whatever happens next. Suck your fingers at night and comfort yourself knowing this is the hell you would have wished for had you kept your place.

The proximity of "suck your fingers" and "comfort" suggests the connotation of soothing rather than hunger. I think it works, though. Anyone in that situation would be in need of soothing/comfort as well as food, & could easily regress to a 'younger' expression of that need. Also: the last line works. It makes the story.

Nice job!

(just saw your last post. Watch, they'll accept it as-is just to be contrary...

)

alexshvartsman · Jun 16, 2011

shelleyo said:
Thanks, Alex!

Want to hear something funny/sad? I had the story in an email in my drafts folder where I'd readied it to submit to DOGZPLOT. It was rejected the first time out, I made some changes and readied to send it out again earlier today. Then I started thinking that what was clear to me might not be so much to others, and I posted it here.

I've just realized that somehow, while dicking around in my email, I sent it.

They don't take long to respond, at least, so I can revise and send it elsewhere without having to withdraw it or wait forever. But what a sinking feeling to realize I did that! I'm glad it was actually completely ready, cover letter and all. Teach me to get ahead of myself, huh?

Shelley

What's the worst that can happen? If it gets rejected, no biggie. But then, they might actually buy the darned thing

shelleyo · Jun 17, 2011

alexshvartsman said:
What's the worst that can happen? If it gets rejected, no biggie. But then, they might actually buy the darned thing

If it's accepted, that's cool. If not, I get to submit what I think of as the more effective version somewhere else.

I guess it's actually win/win.

Shelley

Amy LaBonte · Jun 17, 2011

I liked it and thought that it could be evocative of anywhere repression reigns: Nazi Germany, the disappearances during the Dirty War in Argentina, Apartheid...

This sentence: "You'll blend into a nameless, faceless Them no longer worth the energy of scrutiny" was vague for me.

Also I did not understand the last sentence. I know that you were thinking of babies sucking their fingers but even if we don't consider that image I got lost when you used the generic "hell..."

Otherwise I really liked it.

shelleyo · Jun 17, 2011

Amy LaBonte said:
I liked it and thought that it could be evocative of anywhere repression reigns: Nazi Germany, the disappearances during the Dirty War in Argentina, Apartheid...

This sentence: "You'll blend into a nameless, faceless Them no longer worth the energy of scrutiny" was vague for me.

Also I did not understand the last sentence. I know that you were thinking of babies sucking their fingers but even if we don't consider that image I got lost when you used the generic "hell..."

Otherwise I really liked it.

Thanks, Amy!

Shelley

shelleyo · Aug 4, 2011

A slightly expanded 300-word version of this will appear in Right Hand Pointing issue #45 in November.

Thanks again for all the comments, guys. They helped make it stronger.

Shelley

When They Come <200 words

shelleyo

Just another face in a red jumpsuit

faerydancer

zanzjan

killin' all teh werds

shelleyo

Just another face in a red jumpsuit

faerydancer

soapdish

writing

Lillie

practical experience, FTW

shelleyo

Just another face in a red jumpsuit

shelleyo

Just another face in a red jumpsuit

soapdish

writing

shelleyo

Just another face in a red jumpsuit

alexshvartsman

soapdish

writing

shelleyo

Just another face in a red jumpsuit

AnnieColleen

Invisible Writer

alexshvartsman

shelleyo

Just another face in a red jumpsuit

Amy LaBonte

shelleyo

Just another face in a red jumpsuit

shelleyo

Just another face in a red jumpsuit