Sex in novels

Maxinquaye · Nov 21, 2009

Here in Britain they've appointed the year's worst descriptions of sex in novels. It is Literary Review that has been the judge, jury and (perhaps) executioner of this little contest.

Here's the shortlist (don't read if you've got prying eyes over your shoulders, or if you are keen about the quality of prose)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2009/nov/19/bad-sex-factor-prize-shortlist

I've never considered this, to be honest. I'm into my second serious WIP now, and sex is scarce indeed so far, but I suppose I will have to bite the bullet one day.

Or maybe shy away from it altogether so as not to end up on the linked list... But it is somewhat surprising that there's so little good sex in fiction.

ChaosTitan · Nov 21, 2009

Maxinquaye said:
But it is somewhat surprising that there's so little good sex in fiction.

I'm curious from where you're drawing this conclusion.

The fact that that article can find ten examples of really bad sex doesn't mean good sex doesn't exist in fiction. There are awful sex scenes, and there are amazing sex scenes that will set your hair on fire. There are also sex scenes that are funny, poignant, silly, scary, and very sensual.

What hits one person's button won't hit everyone's button.

Kitty Pryde · Nov 21, 2009

These all seem to be literary novels? Mainstream and genre don't usually get so silly with it (and they have their own varieties of awful sex scene). But how come no non-literary novels? I could nominate a few from 2009

The Nick Cave excerpt I'm pretty sure is meant to be an awful sex scene, isn't it? Can one win the award through intentional badness?

Maxinquaye · Nov 21, 2009

ChaosTitan said:
I'm curious from where you're drawing this conclusion.

Anything I say is filtered through the jumbled mind that is mine, and what doesn't exist in it, doesn't exist outside it.

Okay, I generalise, but I struggle to think of any good sex in novels, and I do read quite a lot of fiction.

Maybe I read the wrong books.

Kitty Pryde said:
These all seem to be literary novels? Mainstream and genre don't usually get so silly with it (and they have their own varieties of awful sex scene). But how come no non-literary novels? I could nominate a few from 2009 The Nick Cave excerpt I'm pretty sure is meant to be an awful sex scene, isn't it? Can one win the award through intentional badness?

It's the Guardian. There is no genre fiction. Whatever there might be is just an unfortunate accident, and everyone will discover Zadie Smith eventually and learn what REAL writers write.

Kitty Pryde · Nov 21, 2009

Maxinquaye said:
It's the Guardian. There is no genre fiction. Whatever there might be is just an unfortunate accident, and everyone will discover Zadie Smith eventually and learn what REAL writers write.

I see. Also: why is "Wetlands" not on this list? There's no page in that novel that isn't both about sex, and barf-inducing.

katiemac · Nov 21, 2009

The fact that that article can find ten examples of really bad sex doesn't mean good sex doesn't exist in fiction. There are awful sex scenes, and there are amazing sex scenes that will set your hair on fire. There are also sex scenes that are funny, poignant, silly, scary, and very sensual.

I'd be interested to know why they chose these particular examples. I didn't read all of them, but out of the ones I skimmed they seemed to have a dominant/submissive slant or weren't particularly romantic. Not everyone's cuppa, but that doesn't make them inherently bad, either.

scarletpeaches · Nov 21, 2009

Kitty Pryde said:
These all seem to be literary novels? Mainstream and genre don't usually get so silly with it (and they have their own varieties of awful sex scene). But how come no non-literary novels? I could nominate a few from 2009 The Nick Cave excerpt I'm pretty sure is meant to be an awful sex scene, isn't it? Can one win the award through intentional badness?

This award is specifically for literary novels.

I suppose the theory is that literary novels should have a greater command of language, so when it all goes tits up it's even moar funnier, like.

scarletpeaches · Nov 21, 2009

Kitty Pryde said:
I see. Also: why is "Wetlands" not on this list? There's no page in that novel that isn't both about sex, and barf-inducing.

Again, it's meant to be barf-inducing and bad and wet and squelchy and smelly. It's not trying to be a literary novel which happens to have sex in it. It is what it is.

Same as erotica novels are what they are - with sex at their centre, driving the story.

Aiming to write about sex disqualifies a book from these awards. They're designed for literary novels I suppose, to show how when a writer who doesn't 'specialise' in sex attempts to write it, sometimes the results can be laughable.

ETA: I picked up Wetlands the other day and I've just started reading it.

Maxinquaye · Nov 21, 2009

I lol'ed reading the Paul Theroux quote, tbh. Dead Man's Hand.

'Yoni puja – pray, pray at my portal.'

Mr Flibble · Nov 21, 2009

scarletpeaches said:
This award is specifically for literary novels.

I suppose the theory is that literary novels should have a greater command of language, so when it all goes tits up it's even moar funnier, like.

*snicker* yeah

My fave ever winner is Tom Wolfe:

"Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth ... Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns ... "

otorhinolaryngological caverns? That's just like soooo sexy.....*snicker*

Kitty Pryde · Nov 21, 2009

scarletpeaches said:
This award is specifically for literary novels.

I suppose the theory is that literary novels should have a greater command of language, so when it all goes tits up it's even moar funnier, like.

Oh, right, got it. And like literary genre ought to be above the Extremely Unfortunate Metaphor and the nausea-inducing scene that is meant to be sexy... Poor ole literary authors, trying be artistic-like and ending up squicky.

scarletpeaches · Nov 21, 2009

Everyone knows that literary writers don't do the smex.

LITERARY WRITERS: KNOW YOUR PLACE!

Lady Ice · Nov 21, 2009

Some of those are hilarious.

LuckyH · Nov 21, 2009

I write about sex because it happens, I write about death too for the same reasons, but most of all, apart from enjoying the experience for most of the time, I write for profit.

I also find that it comes naturally, especially after an agent drummed it into me - sex sells, it’s universal and it gets people to buy books, and always has done.

Having said that, it’s not easy because we get embarrassed; we get embarrassed in case granny reads it, what would she think? Or mum and dad, should I tell them that I find a woman with a big arse attractive? Or that I have a thing about suspenders, is it even normal?

I’m afraid I’ve turned into a ‘sex at the end of each chapter’ writer, and I have no regrets. The embarrassment ceased when I got my first cheque for writing a detective story, littered with sex and violence.

I still try to squeeze in a few adverbs, but never in a sex scene.

Wayne K · Nov 21, 2009

scarletpeaches said:
Everyone knows that literary writers don't do the smex.

LITERARY WRITERS: KNOW YOUR PLACE!

I'm getting ready to write a literary erotic memoir with your cohort. We intend to break the mold.

Ruth2 · Nov 21, 2009

Oooh goody! Can I be your beta?????

Wayne K · Nov 21, 2009

Our first goal is an outline.

Wayne K · Nov 21, 2009

Perks · Nov 21, 2009

Maxinquaye said:
Here in Britain they've appointed the year's worst descriptions of sex in novels. It is Literary Review that has been the judge, jury and (perhaps) executioner of this little contest.

Here's the shortlist (don't read if you've got prying eyes over your shoulders, or if you are keen about the quality of prose)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2009/nov/19/bad-sex-factor-prize-shortlist

Oh dear god. That was a horror show. The best thing about reading all that is that now I feel like I'm a pretty good writer.

Perks · Nov 21, 2009

katiemac said:
Not everyone's cuppa, but that doesn't make them inherently bad, either.

The thing is, most of them seem to be written by men who do their best to make it appear they've never had sex, with a real live female that is. These comical interpretations of what sex feels like for women make me think that these gentlemen spend a lot of time looking at lingerie catalogues.

Maxinquaye · Nov 21, 2009

Perks said:
The thing is, most of them seem to be written by men who do their best to make it appear they've never had sex, with a real live female that is. These comical interpretations of what sex feels like for women make me think that these gentlemen spend a lot of time looking at lingerie catalogues.

Well, as the saying goes - if you want to get laid, don't become a writer.

HelloKiddo · Nov 21, 2009

faint as it is there is no mistaking that tang of fish-slime and sawdust

*****

They conduct there

Hooo Weee! Is it hot in here, or is that just me? If anybody needs me I'll be reading these in the other room; but I'll only be holding the papers with one hand, if you know what I mean, and I think you do

Perks · Nov 21, 2009

Maxinquaye said:
Well, as the saying goes - if you want to get laid, don't become a writer.

Sadly, the other saying is "write what you know."

HelloKiddo · Nov 21, 2009

Kitty Pryde said:
I'm pretty sure is meant to be an awful sex scene, isn't it? Can one win the award through intentional badness?

I don't know... with a couple of these I find it hard to believe that the authors were making earnest attempts at being sexy. I think they were being playful.

Kitty Pryde · Nov 21, 2009

HelloKiddo said:
I don't know... with a couple of these I find it hard to believe that the authors were making earnest attempts at being sexy. I think they were being playful.

I can see induce nausea intentionally, but do you think the others wanted to induce derisive laughter? But I'm not sure how anyone expected to write about green cocks plunging anywhere without causing giggles. Sounds like an outtake from "Barbarella".

Sex in novels

That cheeky buggerer

Around

i luv you giant bear statue

That cheeky buggerer

i luv you giant bear statue

Five by Five

That cheeky buggerer

They've been very bad, Mr Flibble

i luv you giant bear statue

Makes useful distinctions

Oh, really?

Tam, na Koncu Drevoreda

delicate #!&@*#! flower

delicate #!&@*#! flower

That cheeky buggerer

bemused observer

delicate #!&@*#! flower

bemused observer

i luv you giant bear statue