Revealing names

CommaSplice · Nov 16, 2009

Read this and give me an opinion:

“Give me some light, will you, Thatcher?” I fumbled the bent paperclip in my hand, and Zack knelt behind me with the flashlight.

This is part of the first scene of my novel, where my MC and her best friend, Zack Thatcher, are breaking into a morgue. She calls him by both his first and his last name. Using either "Zack" or "Thatcher" both times in the above snippet seems kind of redundant, but I worry the use of both names may confuse people.

Suggestions?

maestrowork · Nov 16, 2009

I'd suggest, at least in her POV, to be more consistent, especially in the same sentence. Right now, in that sentence, I think Thatcher and Zack are two different people because she uses Thatcher in the dialogue, and then in the narration (her POV, I assume) she refers to him as Zack?

“Give me some light, will you, Thatcher?” I fumbled the bent paperclip in my hand, and Thatcher knelt behind me with the flashlight.

or

“Give me some light, will you, Thatcher (or Zack)?” I fumbled the bent paperclip in my hand, and he knelt behind me with the flashlight.

You don't have to keep using the name -- that's why we have pronouns.

CommaSplice · Nov 16, 2009

maestrowork said:
I'd suggest, at least in her POV, to be more consistent, especially in the same sentence. Right now, in that sentence, I think Thatcher and Zack are two different people because she uses Thatcher in the dialogue, and then in the narration (her POV, I assume) she refers to him as Zack?

“Give me some light, will you, Thatcher?” I fumbled the bent paperclip in my hand, and Thatcher knelt behind me with the flashlight.

or

“Give me some light, will you, Thatcher (or Zack)?” I fumbled the bent paperclip in my hand, and he knelt behind me with the flashlight.

You don't have to keep using the name -- that's why we have pronouns.

Hmm, okay. I'll do what I can. Thanks!

jjacobs · Nov 16, 2009

I agree. I thought you were referring to two different characters until I finished reading your post. Since you're writing in first person, you don't want your main character referring to the same character by multiple names; it isn't natural.

ishtar'sgate · Nov 16, 2009

CommaSplice said:
Read this and give me an opinion:

This is part of the first scene of my novel, where my MC and her best friend, Zack Thatcher, are breaking into a morgue. She calls him by both his first and his last name. Using either "Zack" or "Thatcher" both times in the above snippet seems kind of redundant, but I worry the use of both names may confuse people.

Suggestions?

If at some point before this scene you refer to him by his full name then we'd know she was talking about the same person. Generally most people have a common way of referring to a friend - either using their first name or last name or by a nickname. They don't usually switch back and forth. I think I'd keep it consistent.

Stijn Hommes · Nov 17, 2009

I totally agree with the others. People don't usually refer to people by their last name if they also use their first name. Being more consistent within a POV and using pronouns makes it a lot easier to understand.

Maxinquaye · Nov 17, 2009

Yeah, just think of how you adress - and think of - your own friends, and you'll be all right.

Lady Ice · Nov 17, 2009

People might refer to someone by their last name as a one-off joke but they wouldn't do it normally. You'd have to clearly establish the characters before you could play around with what they call each other.

'“Give me some light, will you, Thatcher?” I fumbled the bent paperclip in my hand, and he knelt behind me with the flashlight.

Revealing names

CommaSplice

Homework? What homework?

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray

CommaSplice

Homework? What homework?

jjacobs

ishtar'sgate

living in the past

Stijn Hommes

Know what you write...

Maxinquaye

That cheeky buggerer

Lady Ice

Makes useful distinctions