Thread of the Living Dead (Shemp)

astonwest · May 8, 2005

Julian Black said:
Did they not see Mickey Mouse sitting on a toilet?!

That would have been the aforementioned 'blatant copyright infringement'...

Dawno · May 8, 2005

M. Story said:
Thanks, Jenna! Tooo funny!

It is fun to be in the car with y'all. I'm having a great time, too, but someone in front keeps spittin' their sunflower seeds into the wind, and they are messing up my long, flowing tresses.

(hair flip flip flip)

Marlene

Please accept my apologies. I don't eat shelled sunflower seeds but if you've read upthread you know I owe you an apology anyway.

Uncle Jim hums with the radio...

James D. Macdonald · May 8, 2005

Y'know what might be fun?

Take the lists of publishers and agents on that site Shemp designed, and cross reference 'em against the lists at P&E.

What percent do you think would be good?

M. Story · May 8, 2005

James D. Macdonald said:
News from Frederick.

You know, Jim, I am absolutely enthralled with your helpful and serious posts, but it's the zingers such as this that have earned you my undying devotion.

You da man, Mr. McD!

Marlene

M. Story · May 8, 2005

Dawno said:
Please accept my apologies. I don't eat shelled sunflower seeds but if you've read upthread you know I owe you an apology anyway.

Uncle Jim hums with the radio...

What's he hummin'? "You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind...you don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger, and you don't mess around with Jim... doop doo do de doop do do."

Apology accepted for whatever it is. I probably deserved it, but then again, I hear that you are responsible for everything that has happened since 195???

Can you please tell Alf to use a breath mint. He's about to bite my head off. Thanks!

Marlene

MacAllister · May 8, 2005

Overcome by morbid curiousity, I clicked.

They actually misspelled "query"...

I must now go and put a nice cold compress over my eyes. I hope my retinas heal soon.

Sher2 · May 8, 2005

M. Story said:
Can you please tell Alf to use a breath mint. He's about to bite my head off. Thanks!

I was about to ask for the same thing, a breath mint for Alf. I'm sitting between him and Victoria and he's breathing down my neck with some pretty fierce breath. :ROFL:

Dawno · May 8, 2005

MacAllister said:
Overcome by morbid curiousity, I clicked.

They actually misspelled "query"...

I must now go and put a nice cold compress over my eyes. I hope my retinas heal soon.

Me too. I noted that [size=-1]Jane Bretschneider is the proofer.

The scrolling blue all caps type against the painfully bright green background is particularly annoying.

I tried to find info on Vic Mooney the editor who claims in his Editor's Notes that[/size]

As a
director of Peter Douglas Publishing he has
published several biographies, crime and fantasy
works.

I was unable to find info on Peter Douglas Publishing or on Vic Mooney in the first few pages of a Google search.

Another area of the site has an extensive list of agents and their addresses. It would be interesting to compare it to the listings here in the Bewares thread to see if these agents were vetted at all before being recommended. The publishers list is a huge list of names only.

They're asking for submissions but I don't see any signs that contributors of stories or poems get more than having them posted on the site.

Who would go to that page and why?

Sher2 · May 8, 2005

Dawno said:
Me too. I noted that [size=-1]Jane Bretschneider is the proofer.

I believe that would be, ahem, Mrs. Shemp.

Dawno · May 8, 2005

Sher2 said:
I believe that would be, ahem, Mrs. Shemp.

Yep. I believe, ahem, you are correct.

James D. Macdonald · May 8, 2005

Peter Douglas Publishing was a very small British press that brought out a few titles in 1995. All of their books are currently out of print.

-----------------

The Day Shemp Visited Frederick, MD

Dawno · May 8, 2005

James D. Macdonald said:
Peter Douglas Publishing was a very small British press that brought out a few titles in 1995. All of their books are currently out of print.*snip*

Thanks!

James D. Macdonald · May 8, 2005

Their first headquarters was on Patrick Street. Then they moved to Church Street.

Where will PA's next world headquarters be located?

Answer here.

Sher2 · May 8, 2005

James D. Macdonald said:
Their first headquarters was on Patrick Street. Then they moved to Church Street.

Where will PA's next world headquarters be located?

Answer here.

Well, we can always hope. And push every little button, every little envelope, to speed it along. Does anyone know for sure whether any of the original three Stooges remain in Frederick?

T42 · May 8, 2005

Sher2 said:
Well, we can always hope. And push every little button, every little envelope, to speed it along. Does anyone know for sure whether any of the original three Stooges remain in Frederick?

I think they now have a skeleton crew working and are only doing what is necessary to make it look like the lights are on. As I told you the other day Sheri, they don't seem to be taking new authors, don't seem to be giving out passwords to old or new members and they are not answering the phones anymore. I think they are busy trying to sneak out of town or already gone!

Sher2 · May 8, 2005

T42 said:
I think they now have a skeleton crew working and are only doing what is necessary to make it look like the lights are on. As I told you the other day Sheri, they don't seem to be taking new authors, don't seem to be giving out passwords to old or new members and they are not answering the phones anymore. I think they are busy trying to sneak out of town or already gone!

This stuff is music to my ears, Mem. Keep it coming!

Gravity · May 8, 2005

Sher2 said:
This stuff is music to my ears, Mem. Keep it coming!

Ah, yes, I can see it now. The townhouse is dark, the phonelines unlit, the computer screens belonging to PA's crack editing team (all two of 'em) faded to black. Below, in the bright circles of paddy wagon headlamps, we can hear the sounds of stuggles and imprecations as the Stooges are bundled inside the city vehicles by beefy centurians of the Frederick PD, on their way to their ignominous, and predicted, ends.

The paddy wagon doors then shut, the engines are started and the gears are engaged. A moment later, the wagons are gone. Complete silence reigns...or does it?

Venturing once more inside the deserted townhouse, stumbling past the (now very small) piles of manuscripts littering the hallway and staircases, making our way deepr into the dark, we hear...something.

And more, we smell something.

A moment of olfactory processing, and then we have it. The smell is indeed a burning Camel cigarette, and the sound, yes, the sound is that of a disjointed muttering.

As we follow our nose, and that sound, we find ourselves at last before a janitor's closet. Steeling our nerve, we slowly open the door.

And there, crammed in among the damp string mopheads, the empty Pledge cans, and the large drum of (heavily used) pixie vomit dust known and loved by elementary school children for decades, we find...Shemp.

He is mindlessly cursing as he visciously draws another deep drag on his rapidly-dwindling Camel butt. As we bend low to his rag-draped form, a form that is crouched beneath a rusty metal shelf holding less than a dozen rolls of industrial-grade Z toilet paper and a nearly full Roach Motel, we listen.

And this is what we hear: "Stipid b**tards I'm better'n 'em all they wouldn't listen to me oh no not THEM they're too good to listen to their old pal HB well I'll tell ya I don't need THEM and I don't need YOU and I freakin' don't need ANYBODY because I'm bigger than any of 'em will ever be ANY of 'em heh heh that deal of mine is so freakin' sweet and I'm gonna be so freakin' BIG and that freakin' DINER lady and that freakin' SCHOOLTEACHER and all the rest of 'em well they can all bend low and kiss my hairy..."

In pity and compassion, we gently close the door on this, the last remaining member of that enity once known as PublishAmerica.

Illegtami Non Carborundum Est

John

astonwest · May 9, 2005

And one wonders why you got an honest-to-goodness publishing contract, John...

Kevin Yarbrough · May 9, 2005

Dawno's power...is it real?

lindylou45 said:
Wow Dawno, you must be the most important person in the world! To think that you have that much power that you would influence every single person since July 23, 1957, is incredible.

Dawno's power isn't related to anything that she has done, but a consequence of the Universe. I did some checking on this when I first read it and this is what I found, better yet, hypothesised.

On July 23, 1957 there was a giant sunstorm that caused the Aurora's to become more magnificent. With this the Earth's electromagnetic field shifted slightly. When Dawno was born her presence upset the balance of the electromagentic field thus causing a disturbance in the fragile Space-Time Line. The disturbance has, for some reason, caused a massive influx of bad things to happen all over the Universe. Influenza outbreaks, flying sunflower seeds, Alf's bad breath, and the uprising on the far away planet of POZ (though this planet is far away, from reality that is, it has taken years for it to feel the effect of this occurence).

The Space-Time Line is being bent to the point of snapping because of her birth. From what many scientist have agreed on (scientist being me, myself and I) it has been proven that if Dawno were to ever kiss Shemp or publish a book with PA then the world would end.

So, in all essence, it is all Dawno's fault.

Dawno · May 9, 2005

Kevin, (and anyone else worried about it) based on your second to last paragraph I'd say that the Universe is safe from destruction.

Best explanation of the 'it's all Dawno's fault' I've ever seen.

Sher2 · May 9, 2005

Kevin Yarbrough said:
The Space-Time Line is being bent to the point of snapping because of her birth. From what many scientist have agreed on (scientist being me, myself and I) it has been proven that if Dawno were to ever kiss Shemp or publish a book with PA then the world would end.

So, in all essence, it is all Dawno's fault.

Gee, Dawno, don't you feel special? :roll:

robeiae · May 9, 2005

Kevin Yarbrough said:
The Space-Time Line is being bent to the point of snapping because of her birth. From what many scientist have agreed on (scientist being me, myself and I) it has been proven that if Dawno were to ever kiss Shemp or publish a book with PA then the world would end.QUOTE]

Suppose she were to publish a book with PA about kissing Shemp? Would that cause some kind of space-time fart?

Rob

Sparhawk · May 9, 2005

few minutes at Shemp's site

..and I need an Excedrin to dull the throbbong in the back of myhead. Why, oh why would somebody use flourescent lime green as a background color? Also the book graphics on the Home page are amatuerish at best. Also if anybody didn't already know, Mrs. SHemp is the proofreader and HB has removed his real last name since the weekend.

I read some of the short stories, after I shook my head from the painful starfield effect that moron chose as a background. NOw, I freely admit that having ONE book BY PA does not give me any valid grounds as a critic, but some of the grammar and imagery in these "Essays" is painful.

I cannot wait until the first edition their magazine comes out. Oh how I so want to submit a short story or poem.

"The intoxicated Ego"

I knew I was good because I told myself so.

My talent is endless; that much I know.

My work is eternal and will stand up through time,

I'm HB "Shemp" Marcus a legend in my mind.

NO one knows more than I,

You can't tell me a thing,

Though PA has banned me, I still think I'm a King

I don't need them now, I've moved on to new pastures,

Give me two months to make this new site a disaster.

Poor graphics, odd colors and cheap backgrounds too,

I'm HB MArcus, and I know more than you.

My site will draw millions, my books spread far and near.

Those hens will regret kicking my derrier.

In closing I say, to PA for my rucus,

IT was all part of my plan to distract and lose focus,

So the bashers would kill the name that was Marcus.

And I could rise like a Phoenix, from all of the rucus.

I am HB MArcus, a legend in time,

A product of a warped and dimented mind.

-HB Marcus/Shemp/Kilroy/ Web designer extroirdanaire

Yes, the colors are a tribute to Shemps website

Dolan · May 9, 2005

I was just looking at a photo of Shemp on the nightie woman's web site. I think just the thought of the idea of kissing Shemp would gravely damage Dawno's health. Most likely, permament damage.

BTW, nightie woman was a 4th runner-up beauty queen, she just finished slightly higher up than I did.

Jeff · May 9, 2005

This, from Shempie's new job. It is taken from the bio of the editor of the website/maybesoontobemagazinewearenotsureyet.

His approach to new writers is: ‘Anyone can write
a book. Those that actually do complete a manuscript
have performed a mental marathon and deserve the
respect that commands’. Writenotes is delighted to
welcome Mr Mooney as our Editor.

Now wait a minute...

If ANYONE can write a book, how does it deserve and command respect when someone does?

Does that sound like typical Shemp-speak or what?

It is like saying: Anyone can move their bowels. Those that actually do move their bowels have performed a mental marathon and deserve the respect that commands’.

Uh-huh.

EDIT: Actually, it might well be an old job. Seems the link to the webmasters site "Monsterworks" is the old HBMarcus site. All gone.

Thread of the Living Dead (Shemp)

2 WIP? A glutton for punishment

Shiny!

Your Genial Uncle

Pollyanna with n attitude

Pollyanna with n attitude

Tired and worried.

Auroraless ExPAtriate

Shiny!

Auroraless ExPAtriate

Shiny!

Your Genial Uncle

Shiny!

Your Genial Uncle

Auroraless ExPAtriate

Herb Lady

Auroraless ExPAtriate

Seen 'em come, seen 'em go

2 WIP? A glutton for punishment

Will write for peace of mind

Shiny!

Auroraless ExPAtriate

Touch and go

Jenna's Cabana Boy

Quixote without a cause