Help me re-word this sentence?

"It's not working out between us. She wants to be exclusive, and I’m more into the redhead who brought us our fries at the diner when she told me this."

Dana-Lynn said:

LOL! That's good, but I guess I shoulda set the scene a little.


The 17 yr. old boy that is saying this is telling it to a girl who is secretely crushing on him, and he is secretely crushing on her, too.

Click to expand...

If it's what your character wants to say, I think you could make it work. You could even reference the book, briefly, to acknowledge it. Like your MC says that line, and someone else says "Isn't that a book"

I dunno don't mind me, I'm just here to brighten the room! *puts daisies on the wall*

"... just not that into <pronoun>" is a common enough phrase. When I read it, I definitely don't think of the book or movie or whatever. I'd leave it just the way it is, to be honest.

"It's not working out between us. She wants to be exclusive, and I’m just not interested."

"It's not working out between us. She wants to be exclusive, and I’m just not that crazy about her."

"It's not working out between us. She wants to be exclusive, and I’m just not liking where this is going."

"It's not working out between us. She wants to be exclusive, and I’m just not in love with her."

"She wants to be exclusive."
"Is that what you want?"
Pause.
"No."

"It's not working out between us. She wants to be exclusive, and I don't."

I like the way your original sentence works. It's not uncommon for book titles to be...not necessarily cliche, but common phrasings.
If on of your characters says "put it on the stand." Is it going to bother you that you just used two Stephen King titles in one sentence?

I agree with Jerry, use what you have. If someone comments on the title, which will probably never happen, just take the credit for the inspiring that author. lol.

Smiles
Bob

I like your original sentence as is. I wouldn't worry about the book title which is based on a common phrase.

Yeah...it doesn't matter if it's close to a title...use what you have. Doesn't matter.

That phrase has been around a while. I remember it from an old Sex and City episode from yeas ago, and I doubt it was new then.

If that's what your character would say, use it. Who cares if it happens to be a title right now.