PENITENTIARY PACIFIC!

Fun fact, that diatribe sounds almost as good when spoken by the Swedish Chef.
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I furst und furemust vuoold leeke-a tu sey thunk yuoo fery mooch tu ell ooff zee members oooot zeere-a vhu cummented oon my ooreeginel PENITENTIERY PECIFIC pust. Um de hur de hur de hur. Thunks fur mekeeng my pust su hut thet it hes receeefed 2506 feeoos! I fuoond oooot ebuoot zee respunses tu my pust frum feeooers vhu'd leerned ebuoot my buuk frum feeooing yuoor remerks. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Oofer feeffty peuple-a hefe-a imeeeled me-a seyeeng thet zeey buooght my nufel becoose-a ooff thet pust threed, und zeey vere-a ell thuruooghly seteesffied und heppy veet PENITENTIERY PECIFIC. I em ixtremely heppy tu hefe-a interteeened und mede-a ell ooff zee feke-a-creetics oooot zeere-a heppy, effter ell, I get peeed tu interteeen. Bork bork bork! In thees cese-a, peyment fur zee interteeenment ves receepruceted by mootooel looghter und interteeenment frum ell ooff yuoor creetiqooes! Su, THENKS TO ELL YOOo HETERS!! It emezes me-a et hoo muny mentelly unelug peuple-a zeere-a ere-a oooot zeere-a in thees deegitel vurld (must ooff yuoo, eccurdeeng tu zee menteleety thet yuoo'fe-a deespleyed, ere-a elreedy lust es fer es cumprehendeeng vhet I'm seyeeng). Unyvey, must ooff yuoo gooys und gels oooot zeere-a vhu cummented ere-a vheck(curny und ooootdeted), und hefe-a nu creeteefity vhetsuefer. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Seence-a vhee du unelugeees hefe-a tu hefe-a ooccoorred tu be-a feleed? "I'fe-a nefer seee a deer curnered in a leeun's dee", ves seeed by oone-a ooff zee ruukeee-a-creetics oooot zeere-a. Und? Dues thet meun thet a deer vuooldn't be-a freeghtened iff trepped in a leeun's dee, joost becoose-a yuoo'fe-a nefer seee it? Ooff cuoorse-a nut! Zee deer vuoold be-a trembleeng veet feer, joost es iff uny ooff yuoo vuoold be-a iff I pupped up beheend yuoo oon a derk neeght! Boot I'll eddress ell ooff, oor must ooff, yuoo ell's inseegnifficunt creetiqooes leter oon in thees inleeghtening issey. Bork bork bork! I knoo deep doon yuoo ell ere-a intreegooed und yuoo lufe-a my sh!, boot yuoo hete-a 'spemmers'. Boot in ectooeleety, elmust iferyune-a is a spemmer, vhezeer it is peeed spemmeeng, free-a spemmeeng, oor shemeless curny-a$$ qooutes es fuuters oon yuoor EV pruffeeles. Um gesh dee bork, bork! It's ell edferteesing, vhezeer a prudooct oor vhezeer edferteesing yuoor oovn ercheeec ixseestence-a. Dun't get med becoose-a I'fe-a gut thet next lefel feecshun sh! Ifee oone-a ooff zee murun ifelooeturs oooot zeere-a inedfertently edmeetted thet he's reed thet my type-a ooff feecshun is zee footoore-a ooff creeteefe-a leeteretoore-a. ha-ha... I elreedy knoo thet! Unyhoo, I knoo thet 85% ooff peuple-a (98% ooff zee peuple-a vhu cummented) ere-a noohere-a neer oon my lefel ooff intelleegence-a und understundeeng, su it dues nut soorpreese-a me-a thet my style-a ooff leeteretoore-a is vey oofer yuoors heeds. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Boot I seencerely du lufe-a und elveys velcume-a oopeeniuns und creetiqooes ebuoot my vreeting. Boot et leest hefe-a sume-a type-a ooff feleedity in yuoor unelysees. Um gesh dee bork, bork! I meun, iff yuoo're-a gueeng tu deessect my leeteretoore-a, et leest be-a vurthy! Vheech noo leeds me-a tu eddress sume-a ooff yuoor emooseeng, yet blund refeeoos. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Noo. Uny hygeeenic hoomun vuoold egree-a thet tekeeng a shooer is a crooceeel ilement in zee prucess ooff a persun's murneeng prepereshun fur vurk. Su, yuoo knoo vhet zee essoompshun is ebuoot zee persun vhu cummented "Hoo dues oone-a prepere-a fur vurk in zee shooer". I smell yuoo! lul! Next, fur thuse-a veet oone-a-deemensiunel meend fremes (must ooff zee rent-a-creetics vhu cummented), theengs thet ere-a lessued tugezeer, cun represent beeeng theengs thet ere-a teeed up effter beeeng lessued. Bork bork bork! dooh! Elsu, zee tenseeun heeter remerks! Chepter seex sterts ooffff seyeeng 'Tenseeuns vere-a heeted in zee beck ooff zee...' Tenseeuns vere-a heeted. Bork bork bork! Hoo doomb du yuoo hefe-a tu be-a tu nut understund thet? It meuns thet sumeune-a hed a lut ooff unxeeety in zee beck ooff zee leemuoosine-a (iff yuoo steell dun't understund zeen tuu bed!). Elsu, in zee footoore-a pleese-a du yuoor reseerch beffure-a refeeleeng yuoor leck ooff knooledge-a. Es oone-a ooff zee foo semee-intelleegent(I lufe-a thuse-a hyphens!) peuple-a vhu cummented nuteted, "Zeere-a ere-a sooperglooes thet du steeck tu vet soorffeces. Um gesh dee bork, bork! In perteecooler, zee noo medeecel sooper glooes du". ha-ha, doomba$$is! Und, vhu ceres iff yuoo dun't hefe-a a Sem's Cloob in zee cuoontry toons thet yuoo reseede-a in, und zeereffure-a hefe-a nefer heerd ooff a seex oooonce-a toobe-a ooff sooperglooe-a. Su vhet! It ixeests! Und ifee mure-a, iff yuoo reed currectly, 'Sterleen ineetielly cuooghed up must ooff zee sooperglooe'. Must ooff yuoor creetiqooes ere-a tutelly stoopeed, fur ixemple-a... "Zee efenooe-a ves lung und impty? Voo." Sume-a du nut understund thet zee feeoo doon sume-a efenooes et neeght cun luuk lung und derk. Seemple-a es thet, ifee a reterd cun understund. Bork bork bork! Und ooh yeeh, fur zee recurd, must-ooff-zee-hyphens-ere-a-ideeted-in-zee-ectooel-nufel. lul!!! Zee rest ooff zee yuoo ell's remerks ere-a tuu deem-veetted(ooh, deed I use-a unuzeer hyphee? I lufe-a it!) tu ifee eddress. Um gesh dee bork, bork! Boot yuoo get zee peectoore-a. SO IN CONCLOoSION, YOOo HETERS BETTER GET OoN YOOoR JOB. YOOo'RE NOT IFEN GOOD ET IT! GET YOOoR VEIGHT UP SOoCKERS!!! HOLLA BECK IF YOOo VENT MORE, I CEN GO OoN FOR YEERS... UFCK VITH ME IF YOOo DERE!

Poor troll. He's a lousy writer and a crappy individual. Maybe he'd be better off with some BIC time trying to improve his work, so he can actually get a proper publisher.

Hey, Richard, where'd you get the Swedish Chef translator? That would be almost as good to use as disemvowelment for comment trolls.

At least he could google the phrase 'Tensions were heated' and see that he's about the only person on the internet to use it.

Dude...you really need to get over this, and accept the fact that not everyone is going to like your work. You need to learn to take some constructive criticism. Everyone does. If you can't do that, even if you're good to begin with, you'll never get better. If your book is such a hot seller, why do you have nothing better to do than name-call on all the people who don't like your book?

neverleaving said:

I get paid to entertain.

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So send us a bill. We're laughing at you.

Dawno said:

Hey, Richard, where'd you get the Swedish Chef translator? That would be almost as good to use as disemvowelment for comment trolls.

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It's the Dialectizer - http://rinkworks.com/dialect/

I jest bumped ma heed.

I wonder how the movie project's going...

We are looking for a talented screenwriting artist to convert the action-novel of the year, Penitentiary Pacific, into a ninety minute screenplay for the upcoming 'Penitentiary Pacific: The Movie' project, which is currently in negotiations with a major production company.

Please visit website http://www.publishedauthors.net/jbuchanan/index.html before inquiring. Only serious inquiries please!

Contact [email protected]

* no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: DOE

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Maybe he could team up with JT Fisher.

I visited the website, read the excerpt.

"Sucks sh1t through a straw" springs to mind. But then the Publish America logo was a fair indication of what was to come.

He sold 50 copies of that? He has 50 friends? Or a wealthy mother?

According to Ingrams, he's sold 30 copies and one is on order. Of course, Ingram's isn't the only distributor.

His seven reviews on amazon are quite the delight. Very convincing. I wonder if the reviewers are also from PA...

I think it's JB's modesty that impresses me the most:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1413745229/?tag=absolutewritedm-20

"...is currently in the creation process of his next two masterpieces."

Celia Cyanide said:

Dude...you really need to get over this, and accept the fact that not everyone is going to like your work. You need to learn to take some constructive criticism. Everyone does. If you can't do that, even if you're good to begin with, you'll never get better. If your book is such a hot seller, why do you have nothing better to do than name-call on all the people who don't like your book?

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That's exactly right! Let the book stand on its own. Not everyone loves Nora Roberts or Stephen King either. Of course, they have real editors. Oops.

(my catty comment is a big thankyou for your crappy spammy PM)

aadams73 said:

Not everyone loves Nora Roberts or Stephen King either. Of course, they have real editors.

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They're real writers, too.

well, it's time to let this thread sink to the bottom where it belongs. I'll lock it and leave it here. I'm sure google will be able to pick it up in a few days.