Lords of the Prance

Nah, I don't think it's the water. Listen, I'm still licking my wounds from yesterday's brawl. Hope you've recovered.

I've recovered nicely, thank you. I've learned to take "that" with a grain of salt! Shall I pass the shaker?

I may write these stupid songs all night long. I'm in a really weird place.

I know, isn't it awful. It's like Pringles, once you pop you just can't stop!

Publishing Rights - (to the tune of Summer Nights)

Willem: Manuscripts comin’ in so fast
Moe-randa: Contracts meant to last.
Larry: We never have charged a fee
Janet: Now they’re all wanting to flee.

Authors hopes drifting away
To, uh, oh, those publishing rights.

Well-a, well-a, well-a
Can’t sell them, can’t sell them
Did you try from your car?
Can’t sell them, can’t sell them
Or the corner bar?

Larry: Atlanta Nights by Travis Tea
Moe-randa: It’s a sting, oh can’t you see?
Willem: We printed their books and they only frowned.
Janet: and now their bashing our name around.

Authors dreams shattered for sure
But, uh, oh, those publishing rights.

Well-a, well-a, well-a
Can’t sell them, can’t sell them
Oh what a sight!
Can’t sell them, can’t sell them
Looks like we’re in for a fight.

Willem: Come on people, don’t be afraid
Janet: When handed lemons, make lemonade.
Larry: Their hopes hit the floors
Moe-randa: When their books weren’t in bookstores.

Movie rights we might reverse,
But oh not those publishing rights

You Don’t Mess Around with Willem - (to the tune of You Don’t Mess Around with Jim).

Downtown got its hustlers,
Uptown got it’s bums.
Church Street’s got big Willem Meiners,
He’s a book printin’ son of a gun.
Yeah, he big and stipid as a guy can come
But he’s stranger than a rented mule.
And when the Pavidians all get together at camp,
You know they all call Big Willem “Boss” just because.
And they say. . .

Refrain

You don’t talk into the phone,
You don’t forget to bill ‘em.
You don’t pull the wool over Larry’s eyes,
And you don’t mess around with Willem.

Well out-a Georgia come a country boy,
He said, “I’m lookin’ for a book printin’ fool.
My name is Ed,
but down home they call me cool.
Yeah, I’m lookin’ for the king of Church Street,
He drivin’ a puke green Caddy.
Last year he took some publishin’ rights,
And I’m here to prove he’s a baddy."
And everybody say,

You don’t talk into the phone,
You don’t forget to bill ‘em.
You don’t pull the wool over Larry’s eyes,
And you don’t mess around with Willem.

Well a hush fell over the news room,
Willy was white as a sheet.
And when the talkin’ were done
The only thing left were the shoes on Willy’s feet.
Yeah, the story ran in a hundred stations,
And was read in a couple more.
And you better believe they sung a different tune
When Big Willem hit the floor.
Oh, now they say,

You better talk into the phone,
Cuz this book ain’t dead.
You can pull the wool over Larry’s eyes,
But don’t mess around with Ed.

I will now go forth and work on my grammy acceptance speech!

Prancin' the night away...lol..

(George Thorogood And The Destroyers---Bad To The Bone )

POD TO THE BONE

On the day it was hatched, the Stooges all gathered 'round
And they gazed in wide wonder, at the joy they had found
The head Stooge spoke up, and said I want this one alone
He could tell right away, that it was POD to the bone.
POD to the bone
POD to the bone
P-P-P-P-POD to the bone
P-P-P-P-POD
P-P-P-P-POD
POD to the bone

We wrote 10,000 contracts before we hooked you
We'll write 5,000 more, baby, before we are through
We wanna be your printer, baby, yours and yours alone
We're here to tell ya, honey, that we're POD to the bone.
POD to the bone
P-P-P-POD
P-P-P-POD
P-P-P-POD
POD to the bone.

We make a talented writer beg, we grab your book and steal
We make a street grifter blush, and make a young newbie squeal
We wanna be yours, pretty baby, yours and yours alone
We're here to tell ya, honey, that we're POD to the bone.
P-P-P-P-POD
P-P-P-P-POD
P-P-P-P-POD
POD to the bone .

Sherry, you are so bad. LOL..

POD to the bone. (da da da da da)

Shameless

Ok there's not enough prancin' going on in here, so I will do a 'lil prancin' to get your good folks in the Lords of the Prance kinda mood.


So here goes an 'ol fa-vo-rite of mine.

Shameless
[font=MS Sans Serif,arial][font=tahoma,arial]Written by: Billy Joel [/font][/font]
[font=MS Sans Serif,arial][font=tahoma,arial]Performed by: Garth Brooks[/font][/font]
[font=MS Sans Serif,arial][font=tahoma,arial][/font][/font]
[font=MS Sans Serif,arial][font=tahoma,arial]Well PA's shameless when it comes to signing you
They'lll do anything you want them to
they'll screw anyone at all

And that townhouse is standing for all the world to see
Oh baby, that's what's left of PA
He don't have very far to fall

You know Clopper's a man who's always been
Insecure about the world he's been living in
He don't break easy, 'cause he has no pride
But if you need to be dissatisfied

PA's shameless, oh honey, they don't have a prayer
Every time I see that website standin' there
New authors go down on their knees

And they're charging, swore they'd never compromise
Oh, but you the PA owners being turned down in publishing convinced them otherwise
They'll take your pride and never ask you please

You see in all Clopper's life he never found
Money he couldn't resist, money he couldn't turn down
He could walk away from publishers he never knew
But he can't walk away from the truth (he'll see it)

Clopper never let anything have this much control over him
He doesn't work too hard and he calls his life his own
Clopper never let anything have this much control over him
He doesn't work too hardand he calls his life his own
And he's made himself a world and it's worked so perfectly
But it's the PA authors world now, I can't refuse
And PA's never had so much to lose
*uck, PA's shameless

You know it should be easy for a company who's strong
To say their sorry or admit when they're wrong
The authors won't lose anything they'll ever miss (with PA)
But Clopper has never been in love with money like this

It's out of my hands

PA's shameless, and they have no power now
They don't need it anyhow
So folks, PA's got to go down

Oh, PA's shameless, shameless as a company can be
You make a total fool of them
I just wanted to you to know

Oh, the Stooges are shameless, I just wanted you to know
Oh, they're shameless, oh, and Clopper's down on his knees... shameless [/font][/font]
[font=MS Sans Serif,arial][font=tahoma,arial]
[/font][/font]

Renee said:

Ok there's not enough prancin' going on in here, so I will do a 'lil prancin' to get your good folks in the Lords of the Prance kinda mood.


So here goes an 'ol fa-vo-rite of mine.

Click to expand...

Yeah, more prancin' and less printin' would be a good thing. Billy Joel and Garth Brooks -- yay!

And now for an oldie but goodie.

("Run Through the Jungle," Creedence Clearwater Revival)

RUN THROUGH CHURCH STREET

Whoa, thought it was a nightmare,
Lo, it’s all so true,
They told me, don’t go walkin’ slow
’cause Stooges on the loose.

Better run through Church Street,
Better run through Church Street,
Better run through Church Street,
Whoa, don’t look back to see.

Thought I heard a rumblin’
Callin’ to my name,
Two hundred million printers are loadin'
Curlem cries, take aim!

Better run through Church Street,
Better run through Church Street,
Better run through Church Street,
Whoa, don’t look back to see.

Over at the townhouse
Stooge POD voodoo spoke,
With a keyboard and a mouse,
Grab all you can from them folks.

Better run through Church Street,
Better run through Church Street,
Better run through Church Street,
Whoa, don’t look back to see.

James D. Macdonald said:

The devil went down to Georgia
He was lookin' for books to score:
He'd done eighty that week,
He was startin' to freak,
And he needed to publish more.

When he came on a young many typing
A novel straight and true
The devil jumped up on a DocuTech
And said "I'm tellin' you --

Click to expand...

Wowza, Uncle Jim! This totally rocks the house! Dare I say it ... resonates with me, according it, of course, the proper, most pristine usage of the word?

James D. Macdonald said:

The devil went down to Georgia
He was lookin' for books to score:
He'd done eighty that week,
He was startin' to freak,
And he needed to publish more.

Click to expand...

The absolute best song yet!!!!

Jim, that was awesome. LOL

(Harry Chapin, "Taxi")

DREAMBREAKER

It was raining hard in Frederick,
I needed one more fare to make my night.
A lady up ahead waved to flag my rig,
She got in at the light.

Oh, where you going to, my lady blue,
It's a shame you ruined your gown in the rain.
She just looked out the window, and cooed
"Take me to Church Street, swain."

Something about her was familiar
I could swear I'd seen her face before,
But she said, "I'm sure you're mistaken"
And she didn't say anything more.

It took a while, but she looked in the mirror,
And she glanced at the license for my name.
A smile seemed to come to her slowly,
It was a smarmy smile, just the same.

And she said, "How are you, Harry?"
I said, "How are you, Moe?
Through the too many miles
and the too little smiles
I still remember you."

It was somewhere in a fairy tale,
I sent my book to her on query.
I learned about PrODin' from the very
Masters of an author mill.

You see, she was gonna be my publisher,
And I was gonna have a best seller.
She left my work with a college girl,
And I was left in the wind to twirl.

Oh, I've got something inside me,
To drive Princess Moe-randa blind.
There's a wild man, wizard,
He's hiding in me, illuminating my mind.

Oh, I've got something inside me,
Not what my life's about,
Cause I've been letting my outside tide me,
Over 'till my time, runs out.

Moe's so high that she's skying,
Yes she's flying, afraid to fall.
I'll tell you why bad girl's crying,
Cause she's going down, aren't we all.

There was not much more for us to talk about,
Whatever we had once was gone.
So I turned my cab into the driveway,
Past the gate and to the historic townhouse.

And she said we must get together,
But I knew it'd never be arranged.
And she handed me a dollar bill,
For a two fifty fare, she said
"Harry, keep the change."

Well another man might have been angry,
And another man might have been hurt,
But another man never would have let her go...
I stashed the bill in my shirt.

And she walked away in silence,
It's strange, how you never know,
Not a glimmer of shame for the shafting,
She gave me such a long, long time ago.

You see, she was gonna be my publisher,
And I was gonna have a best seller.
She left my work with a college girl,
And I was left in the wind to twirl.
And here, she's acting happy,
Inside her handsome office home.
And me, I'm flying in my taxi,
Taking tips, and getting stoned,
I go flying so high, when I'm stoned.

Let's bring it down a bit...sung to Kansas's "Dust in the Wind"
( a reflective moment )

I close my eyes,
Only for a moment and my mani's gone...
All my dreams,
Prints before my eyes with mediocrity...

Dust in the wind,
All my words just dust in the wind...

Same old song,
Just another scam that seems to go unscathed
All we do,
Makes us wish our contracts be forever waived

Dust in the wind.
All our words just dust in the wind.
Dust in the wind
Never again my words just dust in the wind.

James D. Macdonald said:

The best things in life are free. For everything else, there's MasterCard.

Click to expand...

Or bank loans, second mortgages, or loan sharks if all else fails.

It's not a song, but you can hum along if you want to

The Pickler Epic:
A Hastily Written PA Poem
(with apologies to Clement Moore and AW members)

'Twas the night before pickling and all through the boards
not an author was stirring, not a one of the hordes.
A weird sort of calmness had settled on all,
They didn't know that the Pickler would call.

The Stooges were nestled all snug in their beds
while visions of swindles danced in their heads.
With Moe in her nightie and Shemp in his shroud,
they slept in the mansion (no authors allowed).

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
that Curly began to incoherently natter.
Larry cried out from under the bed,
"Don't just sit there, you dolt! Check our money," he said.

Moe-randa moved first to check on the loot
but passing a window she let out a great hoot:
"It's not thieves or crooks," she yelled to the men,
"nor even our authors complaining again."

"No, this time it's worse. The worst that we've seen!
This time the Pickler has arrived on the scene!"
They looked at each other, eyes wide with fear,
as below them they heard a thunderous cheer.

"Pickles unite!" came the voice, strong and true,
"It's time to avenge the wrongs done to you!
Jenna and James, Vickie and Ed,
it's time to roust this scum from its bed!"

"Sherry and Mem, make them laugh till they're blue!
Sparhawk and Sean, make them feel guilty, too!
Medievalist slay them with relevant facts,
Kevin and Zaz perform unnatural acts! "

"Dave you can scare them with your preditor's growl
while Diana and Nancy both cry out 'Foul!'
Ann, Anne, and Anne, the magnificent three,
should beat them with letters addressed to BB and B!"

"Don't rest on your laurels, keep the steel in your spline,
Your cause is just, your manuscripts divine!"
Thus sayeth the Pickler, as he then seized the crooks,
those killers of dreams and legitimate books.

But before he departed, before he withdrew,
the Pickler spoke these words, splendid and true,
"Down with them all, the PA swine.
Long may they pickle in my righteous brine!"

A whole lotta prancin' goin' on!

HEHE!

PS- PimpAmerica sucksssss!

("Paradise by the Dashboard Light," Meat Loaf)

Paradise By the Ol' Desk Light

Boy:

I remember every little thing
As if it happened only yesterday
Sending in my manuscript where baby sent hers
And there was not another like it in sight
And I never had a book
Looking any better than that one did
And all the folks back home
They were wishing they were me that night.

And now my book is bound oh so close and tight
It never felt so good, it never felt so right
And I was glowing like the metal on the edge of a
Knife
Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife
C’mon! hold on tight!
C’mon! hold on tight!
Though it’s cold and lonely in the deep dark night
I can see paradise by the ol' desk light.

Girl:

Ain’t no doubt about it
I knew we'd both been blessed
Cause my chapters numbered barely seventeen
And they were fully dressed.

Ain’t no doubt about it
Baby, got to go and shout it
Ain’t no doubt about it
I knew we'd both been blessed.

Boy:

'Cause your chapters numbered barely seventeen
And they were fullly dressed

Baby, doncha hear my heart
You got it drowning out the dollar signs
I’ve been waitin' so long
For somebody to come along and prance my book.

And I gotta let ya know
Never mind that I'm gonna regret it
So open up your eyes, I got a big surprise
Gonna let you see my book, all right
Soon as the ink is dry.

And now my book is bound oh so close and tight
It's PunishAmerica, never felt good, won't never feel right
And I was glowing like the metal on the edge of a
Knife
Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife
C’mon! hold on tight!
C’mon! hold on tight!

Though it’s cold and lonely in the deep dark night
I can see paradise by the ol' desk light
Oh, it’s cold and lonely in the deep dark night
Paradise by the ol' desk light.

With PA, you got to do what you can
And let Ingram's do the rest
Ain’t no doubt about it
I thought we had been blessed
Tonight's the night, I read yours and you read mine
'Cause the chapters were barely seventeen
And they were fullly dressed.

We're gonna go all the way tonight
Read our printed tomes all the way through, tonight’s the night

We're gonna go all the way tonight
Read our printed tomes all the way through, tonight’s the night

Radio broadcast:

Okay, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker going here, two down, nobody on, no score, bottom of the ninth, there’s the wind-up, And there it is, a line shot up the middle, look at him go, this boy can really read! He’s rounding first and really turning it on now, he’s not letting up at all, he’s gonna try for second; he's cracked the cover and read the foreword, and here comes chapter one, and what a chapter! He’s gonna slide in head first, here he comes, he’s out! No, wait, safe - safe at second base, this kid really makes things happen out there. New batter steps up to the plate, here’s the pitch - she’s going in, and what a jump she’s got, he’s trying for third, she’s reading his Chapter Three, it's in the zone - safe at third! Holy cow, lucid and readable! He’s taking a pretty big lead out there, almost daring her to try and shrug him off. The light tips over, wait, here we go, and the words waver on the pages again, the suicide read is on! Here she comes, squeeze play, it’s gonna be close, here’s the throw, so, whaddaya you think, babe? He's at the epilogue, holy cow, I think he’s gonna make it!

Girl:

Stop right there!
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further --!

Will the cover curl?
Will the ink last forever?
Does it resonate?
Does it really fit and resonate?
Will it make me so happy for the rest of my life?
Will it take me away and will it make me feel blithe?
Do you love it, baby?
Will you love it forever?
Do you need to read more?
Will you laugh at my spelling?
Will it make you so happy for the rest of your life?
Will it take you away and make you not writhe?

I gotta know right now
Before we go any further
I love yours but do you like mine?
Will you love it forever !!!?

Boy:

Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby, let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
I’ll give you a review in the morning

Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
I’ll give you an answer in the morning

Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
I’ll give you a review in the morning

Girl:

I gotta know right now!
Do you love it or not?
Will you keep it forever?
Do you need it?
Will you never trash it?
Will it make you so happy for the rest of your life?
Will you read it now and and make me feel so blithe?
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further
Do you love it?
Will you love it forever?
What’s it gonna be, boy?
Come on, I can wait all night
What’s it gonna be, boy, yes or no?
What’s it gonna be, boy, yes or no?

Boy:

Let me sleep on it
Baby, baby let me sleep on it
Let me sleep on it
And I’ll give you a jacket blurb in the morning


Girl:

I gotta know right now!!!
Do you love it?

Boy:

Let me sleep on it!!

Girl:

Will you read it forever?

Boy:

Baby, baby, let me sleep on it

Girl:

Do you crave it?
Are you ready to brave it?

Boy:

Let me sleep on it

Well, I couldn’t take it any longer
Lord, I was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my God and on my mother’s
Grave
That I would read your damn book to the end of time
I swore that I would love it to the end of time!

So now I’m praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
Cause if I gotta spend another minute with your
Fractured PA verbiage, I don’t think that I can really survive
I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I’m praying for the end of time
It’s all that I can do
Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time
With this book by you!!!

Boy:

It was long ago and it was far away
And it was so much worse than it is today

Girl:

It never felt so good
It never felt so right
As the day the mailman brought
Our Random House contracts, I'm so overwrought
And we are glowing like
Hot metal on the edge of a knife

Oh that one deserved an award, Jim.

"Vanity POD"

(Sung to the tune of, "Memphis, Tennessee")

Long distance information,
Give me a certain POD,
I gave a lot of work,
To these shiftless vanity bastards for free.
They would not take my number,
But they know who made the call,
Cause I posted it on the AW boards,
And made their asses squawl.

Help me information, get in touch with this POD,
Tell them 87 cent royalty checks must fill their hearts with glee,
Their townhouse is on the southside,
High up on a ridge,
I'd prance over there now but they're repossessing my fridge.

Help me information, more than that I cannot add,
Only that I hate them, and their accountants are bad,
PA is only six years old,
Information please,
Try to get me through to them, they're a vanity POD....