Can't you just ACT interested?

surely, that comes with the artist territory
you should cherish the fact that you alone in all the world can create that story, whether anybody else is interested in it or not

I completely understand the lack of enthusiasm. It's like trying to sell an unfinished work. As a writer, I don't even want to hear about another writer's idea until it's finished and polished. I can't muster excitement for something that will likely change completely in the near future. And I hate to talk about my own unfinished works. I'd rather discuss literature.

Care, yes. Understand the exhileration and satisfaction achieved in the creative process, no. Unless your significant other has his/her own creative endeavors, they just won't get it and this will always be an obstacle when having meaningful relationships with others.

ToddWBush said:

But, to our significant others, is it just the royalties, the advances and all that? In my case, YES!

Does anyone else have this problem with their significant other not seeming to care about the process? YES. If so, how do you get around not really being able to talk about something you care about so much with someone you are sharing your life with?

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I don't talk to my fiance and family about it... that's what my AW buddies are for.

Care, yes. Understand the exhileration and satisfaction achieved in the creative process, no. Unless your significant other has his/her own creative endeavors, they just won't get it and this will always be an obstacle when having meaningful relationships with others.

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I second this.

Its a writer thing and a lot of non writers don't get it, IMHO.

Most definitely. But I think it goes both ways. My boyfriend is a science person working in web development. I'm an english major looking to get into the publishing industry (from the ground up - administrative assistant, anyone?). He approaches life from his scientific pov, and I approach life from an artist's pov. When I get excited about a project, I naturally want to share it with him, because he's an important part of my life... but he gets so bored. He can't even pretend to be interested. I guess I can't fault him for not being interested in that aspect of life... but it'd be nice to have a SO who shared my passion.

It also happens with my family. I try to share my excitement over my projects with them... but I get the same blank, glazed expression. Disappointing =/

My husband has said similar things before. He's truly a fantastic man, but when he says, "When are you going to be done with your book?" in a way that's bordering on nagging, I want to make him sleep in the shed. He's been great about brainstorming with me, but that type of conversation is inevitably followed by the progress question. ugh. I feel for you.

No Todd, I don't think they do understand.

That's why I never talk about my writing unless someone brings it up, and even then I usually won't because they're probably just being polite. I will sometimes gauge interest as to how good the idea actually is, though.

I have a friend who lets me bounce ideas off of him (when he isn't talking about Warcraft). Sometimes I can see a real gleam of excitement and since I know him well enough I can tell he really thinks it's a swell idea. Others, it's kind of a bored look, and I re-examine the idea to begin with.

He's not my wife though, and I think you deserve some feedback if you have to put up with her boring-ass stories all day, amiright? Tell her you don't care about the shoes she bought today, because that isn't epic. Writing a great story that you can share with someone else is epic.

ToddWBush said:

Does anyone else have this problem with their significant other not seeming to care about the process? If so, how do you get around not really being able to talk about something you care about so much with someone you are sharing your life with?

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My husband and I have gone a few rounds on this one in the 6 years we've been together.

I don't expect him to be 100% interested and ecstatic about my writing, but when he goes on and on and on and ON about his own hobbies and such (which I am decidedly NOT interested in), I get a bit resentful. One night, about 6 months ago, I got pissed because we (well, he) had been talking for HOURS about paintball, his latest Star Wars geekdom, his job, etc. I finally got fed up and cut him off. I said, "Have you ever read anything I've written?"

He stared at me, completely dumbfounded. Then he realized that no, he had never read any of my work. I've gone paintballing with him, I've watched his martial arts classes (hell, I've photograhed them, and those classes bore me to tears!), I've listened to him talk about this or that hobby/interest, but he had looooong ago stopped showing much interest in anything I do. I said, "I don't expect you to be completely interested in everything I do, but if you expect me to be as interested in your stuff as you seem to think I am, it would be nice if, once in a while, we could talk about something important to me. The only time you've ever shown interest in my work was when you went on your last deployment and asked for my recently-completed 2nd draft of my book...which you NEVER even started reading."

He realized he'd been a total boob about it, and we actually spent an hour or two talking about some of my stories, my ideas, etc. Since then, he's shown a lot more interest, but his eyes do glaze sometimes...and he has definitely curtailed the lengthy speeches about certain hobbies that he knows I couldn't care less about.

Now, when we were driving somewhere not long ago, and I was excitedly telling him about how one of my characters was using martial arts techniques similar to what he does, and he FELL ASLEEP? Well...he still hasn't heard the end of THAT one...

ToddWBush said:

I asked this of a friend on here, but I wanted to get everyone's opinion.

About five minutes into our conversation, I saw the look. The glazed over eyes, the wandering look to the TV... she was either not interested, or completely lost.

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I think five minutes is a long time to listen to someone's half formed idea.
She did quite well. Listening to someone else's brain farts is a little like listening to other people's dreams.
I have a v supportive husband but I don't really talk much about plot unless I take him out for a pint and even then two or three minutes is enough. He reads my chapters when he has the time and gives honest and enthusiastic feedback. He is my strongest supporter but I try not to bore him with my brain farts.

I can really relate to what you just said. Do you have a video camera into our home or something? What's worse though, is that my husband is a technical writer and so when he does (at my insistence) read my stuff, he takes his red pen to it. In fact, here's our dialogue from last week after he'd marked it all up.

me, "Forget about typos, grammar, etc. for now. Can you just read it for content? How does what I've written make you feel?"

Husband, "It makes me feel very sad."

Me, "Aha! Now we're getting somewhere."

Husband, "Sad that you never learned how to use a semi-colon properly!"

I don't know what the answer is because it is a HUGE part of my life and you're right, there's a tremendous void not being able to have common ground with someone in an area that is of such consequence. Some days, I have actually contemplated having an affair with another writer...not for the sex, but to find someone whose mind works as intensely and passionately as mine does about writing...lol.

Stephanie

ToddWBush said:

to our significant others, is it just the royalties, the advances and all that? Does no one understand how excited, scared, nervous, thrilled, and sometimes ill we get over the whole process of writing?

Does anyone else have this problem with their significant other not seeming to care about the process? If so, how do you get around not really being able to talk about something you care about so much with someone you are sharing your life with?

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My husband isn't a writer, but he supports me in my writing 100% and will listen when I gabble about a story and make encouraging comments. I wouldn't make him listen to that for more than a few minutes, though, because I know that he isn't feeling the same thrill I am because he's not me!

What really brought this into perspective for me is when I listen to him talk about his interest, which is cameras and photography. He will enthuse about a new lens and its effects, and I will be as interested as I can and try to ask pertinent questions, but I do reach a point where I'm afraid my eyes do glaze over. It doesn't mean that I don't support him, or that I don't love him, or that I don't want him to have his passion and to talk about it with me whenever he wants to.

Your wife may not care about the writing process as much as you - but she does care about you. I think she sounds honest and as supportive as she can be without faking it to the point where she might become resentful of having to do so. When you want to talk about the writing process with other people who know exactly how it feels? You have AW!

thequotegal said:

Some days, I have actually contemplated having an affair with another writer...not for the sex, but to find someone whose mind works as intensely and passionately as mine does about writing...lol.

Stephanie

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I'm a writer.

I learned this lesson six years ago. I attend births. I'll be gone 30+hrs, exhausted, exhilrated and busting at the seems to tell the epic story of this woman's birth and my husband couldn't care less. I get it-it's really a chick thing and even then not all women give a crap about this kind of stuff BUT he should care what I've been up to for the past 30hrs. Especially when others ask him what I do and he has the audacity to respond, "Oh she massages pregnant women's feet"-uh, excuse me?! I *need* an outlet so I quickly learned to spare my hubby the details and speak with two colleagues instead.

That's what this community is for. Although, I have to admit that I won't talk about ideas (although it is so so tempting) bc I find I lose some of my enthusiasm and momentum once I "out" them, if that makes sense.

Perhaps you are not being specific enough. If you are just describing the action to her and hoping she'll have something useful to say about it, I expect her eyes would glaze over.

Now how about you say, 'well, I think I'm going to have this scene set in at such and such a subway stop. Can you tell me a little bit about your experiences there?' And if she hasn't been to that one, get her to tell you about one she's been to a lot. I'll bet she'll have plenty to say, and will probably enjoy telling you about it.

thats one thing I notice about people who aren't in the 'creative' kind of business. You need to start someplace they understand. If you ask someone what kind of house they want, they'll most likely look at you blankly. If you show them a picture of a house, and ask them 'do you want a house like this?' they will be able to answer easily. Being specific is the key to getting useful information from people.

Hi Todd,
Just weighing in with my experience. I am extremely lucky in that my husband does show excitement for my current wip. But I think that is partially because it was in good, readable form when we first got together so he had a chance to read and get to know the characters and world. When I bounce new ideas off of him, he's sometimes enthusiastic and sometimes not, but he's usually supportive.

I can appreciate that a lot because I've never had a significant other like that, so he's not very typical.

On the other hand, I sometimes have to fight to stay into the conversation when he goes off on tangents about some of his hobbies. It's not that I don't love him and it's not that I don't love to see him passionate about some things, but there are times when I just can't get into the same things as him.

and I think this is not always a bad thing. It's good to have something that's just yours, though it's also important for your sig. other to support you.

I think it sounds like she has a hard time engaging with ideas, which I can understand. It's hard to connect to an idea sometimes. An idea is not a fully formed story with characters you can connect to and plot points that can hold your attention.

That said, does she read your work? If so, that's a good sign that she is trying to take an interest in what you do. If she doesn't, I would recommend talking to her about trying to read something you're working on (or something you've finished). Because, as you said, it's important to be able to talk about your passion with your spouse.

Sometimes others need time to digest the story. After all, it may have been formulated and developed in your head, and you can see all aspects of it. But the receiver probably needs time to get to that point. Too much information too quickly will lead to mental shutdown. Perhaps a slower feed of information may prove helpful.

I do agree with those who've said that non-writers just can't get to that comprehension level.

I'm a writer, and my eyes would glaze over if you talked to me about your half-formed ideas for more than a couple of minutes. Actually I'd probably be annoyed that you said anything in the first place. I don't talk about my own ideas, and I get bored when other people want to tell me about theirs. I don't want to hear about ideas, I want to read the finished product. It's like listening to your neighbor ramble on and on about how their precious five year old brat is going to be a brain surgeon someday. Maybe the kid will, but I won't care until she shows me her degree.

So no, I don't expect my husband to listen patiently to me ramble about my ideas.

What Jo said. Writing projects are like kids: they're interesting only to the people who created them.

I prefer not to talk about my WIPs at all. I've found that talking about my writing actually hurts the writing. I think it dissipates the energy that should be going onto the page.

Actually, we have a new section of SYW for when you want to bounce around ideas. (Check out The Sandbox)

Another suggestion would be to find a brainstorming partner, a writer friend you can bounce ideas off of. It helps enormously to have someone who understands writers and writing.

Plus that way you don't end up sleeping on the couch.

My husband's reaction would have been exactly the same as your wife's. He loves me with his whole heart. He is supportive of everything that I do or want to do. But, he is not interested in many of my passions.

I share my stories with him, but I don't ask his opinion because I know that he would rather I didn't.

I go to many horse shows without him. But occasionally I say "I would like you to come along." He does. He has fun. If I expected him to love it as much as I do, there would be problems.

He loves to shoot trap. I suck. But I still get out there most weekends in the summer and heft that shotgun to my shoulder and yell "Pull!" I have fun.

Would I do it if it didn't make him happy? Nope. Would he expect me to attend all the trap shooting tournaments? Nope. (There would be problems if he did.)

My opinion is:
Share only as much of your passion as your spouse wants. No more.

Like others have said above me - that's what this board is for. I am amazed that a place such as this exists for writers.

I feel like I'm going to get on here and brag...well...I am.

I am so sorry that your spouse doesn't at least ACT excited. For all of you that can sympathize, I'm sorry.

I was actually just talking about this to my best girlfriend. My husband's an air traffic controller, and I told her I LOVE it when he comes home and used forks as airplanes and knives as runways and expains things to me. I love learning about his job and his work and all about air traffic.

My husband doesn't even read fiction. But he'll listen to me go on and on about my book or about how many words I wrote or my revision process or query frustration. He'll even ask questions and offer suggestions. He even read my query letter, wrote it out on paper, and sat with me to go over and help me with stuff he thought - as a complete outsider since he reads only nonfiction - didn't make sense.

His passion is planes and flying. I get excited when he teaches me about planes because that's what he loves.

He does the same thing for me.

We share in each other's loves not because we are interested in the actual love, but because we love each other.

Does that make sense?

Makes sense ACE, but mine works at the county tax office doing IT and accounting related stuff. (He blends the two). My eyes glazed over just typing it.