I need help with this sentence.

coneflower2001 · Apr 11, 2008

Ahead in the distance, awaits, an emerald, snow patched, island, surrounded by various docked boats.

This doesn't look right to me. I always want to add more commas then needed. Can anyone help me?

CaroGirl · Apr 11, 2008

Goodness gracious! Take it easy with the commas. You barely need ONE comma in that sentence. You might be able to go with none but for clarity I left one in.

Here:
Ahead in the distance awaits an emerald snow-patched island, surrounded by various docked boats.

coneflower2001 · Apr 11, 2008

I tried to warn you.

Wow, looks much better. Thanks so much!!

Oberon · Apr 11, 2008

Do you need the "ahead?"

maestrowork · Apr 11, 2008

Commatitis, anyone? Also, the sentence is unnecessarily structured.

Try:

A snow-patched emerald island awaits in a distance, surrounded by docked boats.
or
A snow-patched emerald island, surrounded by docked boats, awaits in a distance.
or
Surrounded by docked boats, a snow-patched island awaits in a distance.

I would change the word "emerald" as well -- too ornate and cliched and it sticks out like a sore thumb.

dobiwon · Apr 11, 2008

Would you consider breaking it into two sentences? To me, there's too much description for one sentence.

For example:
On a distant island, emerald vegetation peeked through patches of snow. Fishing boats tethered to docks ringed the coastline.

coneflower2001 · Apr 11, 2008

Mae, I like the second sentence. I think it works.

Thanks

Just to add, I'm writing a script.

maestrowork · Apr 11, 2008

With script, the simpler the better.

coneflower2001 · Apr 12, 2008

You guys rock! Thanks for all the help!

I need help with this sentence.

coneflower2001

CaroGirl

Living the dream

coneflower2001

Oberon

maestrowork

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dobiwon

Planning to retire for the 5th time

coneflower2001

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray

coneflower2001