Apparantly I am Tone Deaf . . . or maybe Tone Blind.

I find it interesting that two people had the same concern... I always learned tone as a particular writing style or method that aheres to the mood of the story, but then again, now I'm beginning to rethink things based on this post.

Perhaps they were merely expecting it to be a bit darker or gloomier in mood? Were they aware that the story is being referred to as a "supernaturual techno-thriller"? It's possible that they were expecting something else based on the way you are promoting it, which to me, kind of implies a dark, intense kind of atmosphere. So when they saw the lighter, less serious tone, they were a little confused based on how they had pre-judged your story? I'm not sure. I'd like to see what more learned writers have to say on this. Very interesting topic indeed

I worry about tone a lot with my own pieces and whether or not I'm striking the right one.

If I'm writing a horror, I try to go for a dark, sober, eery, creepy tone.

If I'm writing an action piece, I try to aim for a fast moving, page turning, urgent tone.

If I'm writing a piece for kids, I try to write in a lighter tone, leave a lot of the seriousness and darkness behind.

I naturally have a darker voice so writing for kids is especially difficult.

Find what you're aiming for, what mood are you trying to get across, and then try to get your writing to mirror it.

I hope it helps.

To be honest I read it too just now and it reads very YA. I think it's pretty safe to say that it is your dialogue that is causing the "problem". It is full of exposition, and almost a "gee whiz" kind of banter: “Yes, it sure is. A real, live ghost.” I know you are going for "light" but the excitement and the immediate acceptance of the ghost machine, is far more associated with kids who are willing to enter into an adventure no matter what. Then you talk about Ouija boards. Kids will play with those at slumber parties and freak themselves out. Adults don't believe in them. Or if they do, they are very defensive and have very long winded explanations about the paranormal to make up for looking like a superstitious fool.

Also there was absolutely nothing to suggest that these characters were adults. Adults have jobs, responsibilities. They've had first loves, second loves, are married, are divorced, have never been married wish they were, love being a swinging bachelor. And it's not always easy getting a group of them together. Usually you want to bribe them with food or alcohol. They have aches and pains. This sort of machine could remind them of something they tried to create when they were small. They are bitter and cynical and don't believe in ghosts and that stuff. Or they are obsessed with the paranormal because their own lives are so mundane. Adult emotions are complicated by years of living. Again, yes you want to keep it light, but your characters are so light they might float away.

Also all your characters sound the same as well, and none of them question anything. I would actually like to go through it in more detail, but I seriously have to go now. I'll come back to it later on though!

I just skimmed the beginning of your excerpt, and all I can think to say is: when's the last time you read a description like "big blocky thing" in an adult novel?

I think tone has to do with word choices.

"They crawled across the sodden ground."

has a different tone, a different feel than

"They flopped on their bellies and felt the squishy earth beneath them."

Siddow said:

I just skimmed the beginning of your excerpt, and all I can think to say is: when's the last time you read a description like "big blocky thing" in an adult novel?

I think tone has to do with word choices.

"They crawled across the sodden ground."

has a different tone, a different feel than

"They flopped on their bellies and felt the squishy earth beneath them."

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Very good point. Diction and syntax are very important in lending to the tone as well. Good call, Siddow.

I understand what you mean by not seeing the problem with "Tone Issue", in the sense of making the story work.

The tone of The Hobbit is as successful as the tone of Lord of the Rings, and moreso than the tone of the Silmarillion, all Tolkien novels.

The Silmarillion is the darkest book, my favorite, but the least marketable. The Hobbit was written for a children's level, but many adults loved it.

Ultimately, the question is one of marketing. Who do you want to be your primary audience? But then again, some books have a secondary audience, especially some of the beloved classics- Narnia, LOTR- the follow up to a Children's Book, The Prince and the Pauper. Dickens. LOL- that cluster that "Appeals to all ages" has to appeal to the young.

Okay, I went over and read it.

The diction is a little "Hardy Boys" in the first section (before Arthur takes control). It's also not clear where the point of view is--I think that's part of what gives it the "young" feel, because in adult literature we're so used to either a tight over-the-shoulder-of-one-character third person, or a very distinctive authorial voice in a third person omniscient.

The capitals ("The Greatest Invention of the Twenty-First Century") are also something people associate with literature for younger readers.

I don't know. In context, I don't think the tone would seem as disjunctive, but I think it's probably worth looking at the specifics of the comments you got.

Tone is complex because it includes: vocab, syntax, and attitude.
I write quite violent books, which have moderately complex plots, but they are YA because my protags are not cynical or world weary. They are open minded
and honest about their feelings; they lack that layer of self delusion or self protection, the self awareness that might make the books uniquely suitable for an older audience. It is not about story per se but about motivation. Kids might act out of simple curiosity, an urge to impress: adult motivation is usually more muddy and that awareness of emotional complexity and motivational ambivalence probably needs to leak through into the narrative.IMHO

A fine discussion on a difficult topic. Kudos to the responders!

underthecity said:

What is Tone, then? What might I be doing wrong, tone-wise? Believe me, this is the last thing I ever thought I would have a problem with.

allen

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Had a look at your excerpt. I don't think it's so much that you're doing something wrong as that your way with words lends itself to young adult rather than adult. It has a younger feel to it, despite the fact that you're an adult writing for adults.
Linnea

underthecity said:

I was thinking of trying to find a graphic or conceptual artist who could draw it for me.

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You need to work on training your mind's eye if that's a serious thing you are considering. Reading more helps, as does just letting your mind wander now and again.

But having someone tell you what your ghost machine looks like . . .

Dump on that.