Really need your opinion

[wurdwise]

I come humbly , :Hail: asking for the help of novelist. My first novel, a middle reader, is almost ready to start querying. However, I asked my son's girlfriend to read only the first page today, and her response was, 'lots of description.' Ok, that might be a good thing, but it might not, because it sent up a red flag, even though she's no expert, and she said she liked it, that possibly I had too much information. I believe the agent or publisher makes their mind up by the time they've read the first page whether they like a manuscript or not. This is only my opinion, and I could be wrong, so correct me if I am.

I posted that first page in Share your Work under "The Sun Shines on Maddy Weaver," but I don't think lots of you guys hang out there. Please, please, go tell me what you think.

Thank you in advance, Denise

[Kallahan]

Generaly, if there isn't any action on the first page, get rid of the first page. Your right this should have brought up a red flag. This beta reader probably knows you and has some sympathy, but would someone who does not know you turn the page? Action is what story telling is all about, the story is a series of events, not a series of descriptions. You want to get people into the story on the first page, thats what gets them invested in your novel.

Anywho, good luck on your novel.

[Mistook]

I agree, getting the hooks in on the first page is critical, but further along in a novel, there's opportunities to open a chapter with the protag simply experiencing a moment (as long as it pertains to character, theme, plot, yadda.)

[reph]

Action isn't the engine that makes every novel go. I'd get several opinions before deciding how seriously to take that one person's opinion.

[maestrowork]

A hook, yes. But not necessarily action. It really depends.

The general "show vs tell" applies here, especially in the first few pages when you want to suck the readers in your world. But it doesn't have to be action-packed. In fact, if you start your book with a big "bang" you might have a hard time keeping up with the excitement and expectations (unless your book is a big roller coaster ride like The Da Vinci Code).

To much of anything (description, actdion, dialogue, etc.) could be a problem. You want to balance everything, and keep the readers hooked and interested, to turn the page.

It does NOT have to be action.

[wurdwise]

The more I think about it, the more I think the girl who said that meant there was a lot going on. Did any of you besides Mistook look at the piece? Please do, it's important to me. Well, of course it is. Your opinions I value.

[Kallahan]

Having read the first page, though it is out of my general scope (Sci-fi ,fantasy, mystery ect.), I do not see it as overly descriptive. Theres no real connection with the character but this is the first page, only two books I've ever read had a character I cared for in the first page, Moby Dick (Dickens) and The Gunslinger(Stephan King). I think this has a lot to do with names, people relate to names, images from previous experiences and stereotypes and thus they have something they can relate to( I gotta remember that one two:) ). You have a general setting, a character, and a sense of what is important to the character through her thoughts. The picture I got in my head of your first page before I read it was more exposition, but you do a wonderful of showing instead of telling and my preconceptions were incorrect.

Maestro is right now that I think about it, just a series of actions would be plot, no where near as important as telling your story.

[maestrowork]

Yeah, your rewrite was better. Tighter and more immediate. The point is to get your readers into your story and not bog them down with flowery languages. I mean, ornate prose has a place, but probably not at the beginning of a book. Some of the descriptions did borderline "purple" but the trims you did in the rewrite were good.

Take my opinion for what it's worth, though. I tend to write tersely. Some people prefer a bit more "wordiness."

I'm going leave you a few comments in SYW.

[wurdwise]

Thanks so much, Kallahan and Ray, and Ray for the critique you did.

I have done what I hope is a final rewrite, trimming down even more some of those purple prose, I am guilty of loving that stuff too much. If you, or anyone else who is reading this would be so kind as to give it a gander, I would be so glad. This is helping me immensely.

I have also posted a question I would like your input on about an idea I have of moving my hook from page 6 to page 2. It's a question more of agent or publisher interest, I think the reader would be fine waiting till page 6, but I can't get to the reader until I hook the other guys. (dammit!) :whip:

[James D. Macdonald]

I asked my son's girlfriend to read only the first page today...

Did she ask you for the second page?

If not, the first page needs work.

[wurdwise]

James, come to find out, it did need work, but I don't think she would have asked for the second page if it had been the next "Gone With the Wind!" LOL

Picture a two week old relationship between a tall, dark and ditzy good looking guy and an even more ditzy blonde 6 ft. tall stripper, and you get the attention span of a nat. But bless the nat for saying "lots of description." The jury is still out on whether she was insightful, bored with it, or door number three!:D

[arkady]

A hook, yes. But not necessarily action. It really depends.

The general "show vs tell" applies here, especially in the first few pages when you want to suck the readers in your world. But it doesn't have to be action-packed. In fact, if you start your book with a big "bang" you might have a hard time keeping up with the excitement and expectations (unless your book is a big roller coaster ride like The Da Vinci Code).

To much of anything (description, actdion, dialogue, etc.) could be a problem. You want to balance everything, and keep the readers hooked and interested, to turn the page.

It does NOT have to be action.

I'm glad to see you stressing this point, maestro. There's so much emphasis put on making an impression in the first page or two that it seems most people now take it for granted that this means an explosive action sequence.