"It's not you, it's your books"

Articles like this leave no question in my mind as to why there are so many relationship problems in this world today.

To me, using this as any sort of deciding factor as to which person I'm going to have for a life-partner can only lead to unhappiness. Unless someone seriously thinks they will be able to write out a list and check it off and the person who fulfills every point on that list is the winner.

And yeah, that will definitely lead to a long life of unhappiness - cuz it ain't gonna happen.

One of the things I seek and enjoy about a partner is the contrast. Yes, we have similar interests but opposites attract, and for a reason.

I enjoy getting input from a perspective other than my own. I like seeing the world through a different set of eyes. With the right partner, even mundane experiences can be cast anew, and the world is once again fresh.

I don't expect my partners to be perfect nor to like everything that I do.

All I can say is "Wow" to anybody who subscribes to the article author's view. To me, to break up with someone over a book is the height of shallowness.

There's also going to be a gender divide issue for at least some percentage of opposite-sex couples.

And it's nice when someone likes the same books that you do...but what happens when your tastes change?

Well, being overly fussy about this is not a great idea.
But honestly, I've been able to tell a lot about friendship compatibility with people based on a) whether and b) what they read.

-I have never managed to maintain a friendship with someone who does not read, a fair amount, for pleasure.
-I have never managed to maintain a friendship with someone who I didn't have any reading-overlap with, who wasn't willing to create said reading-overlap with me. Not necessarily because we had to like the same stories, but because that's a big chunk of my small talk. Discussing stories. I like intelligent disagreement as much as anything else.
- I have never managed to maintain a friendship with someone who thought all my reading choices were either a) over-intellectual or b) over-girly or c) fluff; while I don't think I've ever had the opposite reaction (thought someone's reading choices were all over-intellectual, not-girly-enough or too girly, or all fluff), I doubt, if I did, that I could stay friends with them.
-I can maintain friendships with people I disagree with, but only if they are okay with disagreement too. If they think my disliking their reading material is a judgment on them, or a sure sign of my poor taste, that friendship will fall aside.
- I think less of people if their reading choices say they are judgmental. I have nothing against "I just like X" even if I personally detest X. I do have problems with "X is the only fiction worth reading, everything else is crap" or "Only X is fun, everything else is boring".

I don't see that relationship compatibility is that different. Though possibly people get overwrought about it.

Keyan said:

There's also going to be a gender divide issue for at least some percentage of opposite-sex couples.

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Exactly, but it's nice if you're in the same ballpark. Me and the Old Man both like biographies. I tend towards actors ( Christopher Lee is getting good. Guillotines!) and historical figures ( William Wallace at the mo). He likes histories of say the SAS. At least we overlap on the wrestler's bios hehe.

For fiction he likes a good straightforward read, ( he's dyslexic so that's probably why) and I like colourful writing, so while I like Conan, he prefers Druss.

But at least we can still talk about genres, plots, etc. If he didn't like fantasy it wouldn't be a problem, but if he only ever read say the classics, and thought fantasy was trite garbage, I very much doubt that I'd have married him.

IdiotsRUs said:

If he didn't like fantasy it wouldn't be a problem, but if he only ever read say the classics, and thought fantasy was trite garbage, I very much doubt that I'd have married him.

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How about someone who didn't read fiction at all, didn't see the point, didn't even know fairy tales, and couldn't tell what he was missing?
My mother tried to set me up with one of those once. Lovely nice guy, but guess what I said?

I went on a date once and at my instigation my prospective mate and I wandered into the bookstore. He liked books that most people would label as 'intellectual'. After about a half hour of our conversation gradually shortening to monosyllables, I asked him if he liked any silly books. A long pause ensued, and he eventually said, "I can't think of anything."

We did not have a second date.

For those of you who represent the largest segment of the book reading and buying public, the bit from the NYT essay and the other supportive comments are 'most patently obvious'.

Hmmm...I am sure to draw ire at my following comments. But, I am with BrokenFingers on this one. Yes, for those who seriously like to read, it is (almost) as natural as breathing that you have a concomittant need to discuss/talk about what you have read. This is but part of a particular charactertistic of women and intimate relationships (and their relationships generally). If you meet people who don't read, or read in the same area, then of course you don't have *this aspect* in common. It is not to say that there aren't other aspects of interest that can be shared.

I haven't read the entire NYT essay. Besides its orientation to a profiled demographic in order to be perceived as contemporary, it is erroneous to overemphasize mate selection as based on this one major component. While there is a need for some degree of shared interest to provide the 'glue' for a long-term intimate relationship, there is enough folk wisdom around to indicate that when it comes to intimate relationships and mate selection, we as a species, probably since recorded history, fall somewhere between 'opposites attract' and 'like likes like'.

For every doctor and nurse or writer and editor pairing, I am sure that there are good numbers of engineer and teacher, and scientist and accountant pairings, too. Class, status, circumstance are equally part of the mix.

ATP said:

This is but part of a particular charactertistic of women and intimate relationships (and their relationships generally).

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This is the only part of what you're saying that makes me go
If you think that's only women, you must not hang out with the men I hang out with.

For most of my life, most of my friends have been male. In my experience, it's always been true with the heavy readers of either gender -- you don't become good friends unless there's something to talk about, and for heavy readers, books are going to be in there. Not as a sole criterion, sure. But as one.

Conversely, I know many women who don't want to talk about anything too personal with their friends, and that includes personal reading tastes.

It's misleading in the extreme to attribute this one to gender, I think. It's more likely to be an introvert tendency -- dealing well with others on matters that are in the head, rather than doing things in the outside world.

When I was 19, I went out with with a friend, her boyfriend and a friend of his. Basically a blind date. We were all students at very self-consciously intellectual liberal arts college.

I'm trying to make conversation with this cute guy I'd been set up with.

"Do you like poetry?"
"Yes," he said.
"Who do you like to read?"
"Uhh..Robert Frost?

I was not impressed. I was a big fan of the Beat Poets, Gary Snyder. Wrote poetry in high school, edited the literary magazine. My reaction was Oh, right, you read "The Road Less Travelled" in high school, too. Cute guy, seemed sweet, but not too deep, I figured.

We got married a year-and-a-half later. I still thought I was the more "intellectual" So did he, and maybe I am. But somewhere along the line, he started reading more than I did. He read the NYT, the New Yorker. His tastes in books ran to what I'd learn was considered creative nonfiction. I didn't get it. I thought real writing meant fiction.

I haven't written poetry in 40 years. But I have my first book coming out in December. Creative nonfiction. No one could be prouder than my husband.

And yes, we do trade books back and forth.

I don't think books have anything to do. I rarely discuss my reading habits with other people, or talk about literature at all. I don't think having the same tastes in books is the foundation of a good frienship/love relationship. There are more important things. I defnitely agree with ATP and Brokenfingers.

Basing a relationship on only what the person reads is ridiculous. They left out movies.

I find it odd based on single titles, as was mentioned, but I can understand it in terms of genre.

As someone who read this in the paper yesterday I feel compelled to suggest, albeit cynically, the article be read as commentary on a very local, Manhattan behavior. It's Manhattan dating, not reader dating.

It's only a matter of time before the Style section runs the same article, except about blue jeans or shoes, and I'm almost positive the Real Estate section has done it about home furnishings or framed artwork.

brokenfingers said:

Articles like this leave no question in my mind as to why there are so many relationship problems in this world today.

To me, using this as any sort of deciding factor as to which person I'm going to have for a life-partner can only lead to unhappiness. Unless someone seriously thinks they will be able to write out a list and check it off and the person who fulfills every point on that list is the winner.

And yeah, that will definitely lead to a long life of unhappiness - cuz it ain't gonna happen.

One of the things I seek and enjoy about a partner is the contrast. Yes, we have similar interests but opposites attract, and for a reason.

I enjoy getting input from a perspective other than my own. I like seeing the world through a different set of eyes. With the right partner, even mundane experiences can be cast anew, and the world is once again fresh.

I don't expect my partners to be perfect nor to like everything that I do.

All I can say is "Wow" to anybody who subscribes to the article author's view. To me, to break up with someone over a book is the height of shallowness.

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I totally agree with you!

And I have to add that I think this is rather a funny topic. Tastes in books determining who you let yourself fall in love with? That's crazy. And if I looked for men with the same tastes as me...well I wouldn't have found my husband who hates to read fiction - all I read are fiction books and memoirs, so I guess if that was a dealbreaker, we'd have been over the minute he told me he used to read dictionaries for fun...almost 8 years ago.

(The only fiction he reads volunatrily are my books!)

NPR had a very similar story recently, noting that sites such as Librarything are the Myspace/Facebook social networking sites of the reading crowd:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=88514715

rosemerry said:

Basing a relationship on only what the person reads is ridiculous. They left out movies.

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Uh, oh, maybe that explains it - I rarely watch movies.

If I'd selected a husband with this stuff in mind, I'd have never married my husband.

He doesn't read for pleasure. Period. As far as he's concerned, he's got better things to do. And the man's a literal genius, so he's not lacking in intelligence.

He doesn't like to read, is all.

Comparing reading lists would have gotten us somewhere, however, as the few books he HAS read for pleasure were written by Dave Eddings and R.A. Salvatore. LOL!

Hmm...I just did a brief mental run-through of about 50 friends, ex-lovers and family, and can only think of four or five who share my tastes when it comes to reading.

Vive le difference!!

I would never judge a man by what books he likes. I most certainly will judge him for what he likes about them.

I honestly do not see how this is shallow at all. I think it, as always, depends on the person. For example I have had a few friends date men who had completely different political values to them. This is something I personally could never do. For me movies are very important, I am obsessed with them. Would I dump someone because he didn't like the same movie as me? Probably not. Would I dump someone who thought my taste in movies was absurd, juvenile, or anything else negative? Quite possibly. I come from a family where we have a lot in common, I never really rebelled against my parents, I enjoy talking about the things we like and have in common. It is something that gives me particular joy and I feel is an important element in my life. That isn't to say that there aren't other things we disagree on, but it is for me to determine what matters in a relationship. If some people feel passionate about books to the point where they need to discuss them all the time, and can't do so with their partner who has never read a book in his/her life, then why is it shallow to find that frustrating, even a deal breaker?

How is what one reads any different from what one religion is? I know, loaded question, but hear me out. What we read isn't just a la la la, I will read . . . this book . . . kind of thing. What we read invariably reflects our tastes, our values, our belief systems. The simple act of reading many books, vs watching television says a lot about the priorities of a person as well. So too does religion. Now some people can marry outside their religion as to them religion doesn't matter than much. Others must marry within it. Neither one is better than another. If a relationship to me is about having long complex conversations on topics that are of mutual interest, than gosh darn it I'm going to want to meet someone who has an interest in a) having said conversations and b) similar topics. Other people want other things from relationships. Stability. Someone to be the complete opposite of him/herself and stop them from overintellectualising so much. Nothing wrong with that either.

Let us not, once again, look down at people who make choices based on what they want from a relationship vs what others want. Can't we just agree to each his own?

Tastes in books determining who you let yourself fall in love with? That's crazy.

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But tastes in books may be markers for other things. When I was single, I wouldn't have kicked someone to the curb if, for example, he didn't like Raymond Carver. But if he thought The Da Vinci Code was the best thing since sliced bread, or if he liked to read crap like The Secret, then yes, my ardor would probably have cooled because I would have concluded that he wasn't all that smart. Which is a turnoff.

Apologies to Dan Brown lovers.

I'm with Toothpaste. It's probably different for different people.
Me, I like babbling about cool stuff, I end up gravitating to people who like babbling with me, and most of the cool stuff I know is fiction. Some of the other cool stuff, well, I babble about that too. I don't think I've ever let myself fall in love, any more than I've let myself make friends. It just happens, when it happens, because I start talking to people and we don't stop.

It's not like I hate the people it doesn't happen with, or think less of them. Or think less of the people for whom relationships work differently.

But yeah, I don't really see how obsession with writing makes anyone, least of all a writer, shallow.

How about people who don't read at all?

My fiance doesn't really read. I think he's read one book cover to cover since I've known him that wasn't a Babylon 5 or Star Wars series.

It's never bothered me because he's otherwise very creative. He's just more into music and DJing than he is books. And movies. He's an incredibly smart guy... his creative interests just wander in a different field. That's okay.

He will discuss my writing with me without pause... and veto or not different plot points or a certain premise. That believability factor that I'm always going for comes onto the table from time to time and he'll offer thoughts based on movies he's seen. For instance he really resisted my mutant/zombie thing because he thinks thinking zombies are completely against zombie code. But he never puts down my work or laughs at me when there are suddenly six books on the nightstand or three scattered around the bathroom... on the rim of the tub... in the 'fridge. And that's the difference for me. He can not read and still respect that I do.

I wouldn't deal well with that, personally.
My husband and I have it bad enough when we haven't caught up on mutual books.

Which is odd, because we initially got together, to some extent, as mutual academic geeks. But it bothers me not at all that our academic interests have parted quite a lot - that just makes things more interesting. I guess it's because you can talk about papers the other person hasn't read, but you can't talk about books the other person hasn't read without getting annoying...? And me personally, I like talking about books.

My wife didn't even READ when we met.

She'd come over and my mom and I would sit and read and she realized quite quickly that if she wanted to stick around, she'd have to pick up the habit.

She reads voraciously now.

Our tastes are completely different, but at least she has an appreciation of books and authors and even collects books by her favorites.