Advice on a query letter

alaskamatt17 said:

I am preparing the following query letter to send out to an agent; any advice would be appreciated.

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My own query letters still haven't gotten me an agent, so I may not be an expert on what's wrong or right with yours. But for what they're worth, here are my opinions.

In particular, I have three questions:

1) Is the grammar correct? I have checked this over, but admit that I am not flawless when it comes to using the English language. In particular I am worried about comma placement, or lack thereof. Thanks in advance to anyone who can help with this.

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I'm not trying to sound snotty or superior (there's enough of that on all public forums), but if English grammar is a problem for you in your query letter, it's going to be even more of a problem in the manuscript itself. I'd recommend having someone whose grammar is good check it over before sending it to anyone

2) Do I sound like a nutjob?

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No.

Does the story have appeal or does it just sound ludicrous? (Don't worry about offending me, I know that it sounds pretty far-fetched in synopsis. I never considered how I would summarize this whole mess when I was writing through it.)

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To some people, all speculative fiction is ludicrous. Your premise is no more far-fetched than my own -- or than most published works along the same lines.

That said, you have to be sure that you can convince someone that it's salable.

3) In regards to paragraphs, should I have them bound separated by a line, or should I simply indent five spaces? This will be sent out on paper.

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In a query letter, I generally do both. Picky as some agencies may be, I doubt that anyone was ever turned down for having a line between paragraphs.

Dear XXXXXXXX:



In the late 29th century, historian Devon Carter is given a once-in-a-lifetime chance to travel to the colonies of the Outer Rim, where exiles of an ancient war took refuge seven centuries earlier. But when his ship arrives on the colony world Athena B, his dream adventure turns into a nightmarish fight for survival – and his own life may not be the only thing at stake. For when the colonists seeded this world with prehistoric life...

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This part leaves me wondering: do you mean Earth's prehistory? In an interplanetary novel, that can't be taken for granted.

...they also left behind a darker legacy: a superweapon called Orion’s Key, capable of leveling continents and laying waste to worlds, and the secret to its power is mysteriously locked away in Devon’s genetic code.

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Too many moderately cliche terms here, in my opinion. If it were my book, I'd change this to:

"...they also left a darker legacy: a superweapon called "Orion's Key," capable of destruction on a planetary scale -- and the secret to its power has been concealed in Devon's own genetic code."

As he begins his trek, accompanied by prodigious starship pilot Sarah Meyer...

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"Trek" may conjure up unintended associations here. Perhaps "journey" or "expedition?"

If you mean that Sarah is a prodigy, I'd word it differently.

...and the flamboyant genetically-engineered dinosaur Gallic, a war breaks out between the native factions of Athena B.

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Note my added "the."

I'd change "native" to "political" factions. We can probably take it for granted that the factions are made up of native inhabitants. Also make "a war" into just "war."

And if Devon and his companions do not find the Key soon, all hope for the future may be lost.

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Again, this seems more cliche than exciting description. I'd change this to something on the order of: "And if Devon and his companions cannot quickly uncover the secret of Orion's Key, the Athenians' escalating war can only end in their extinction."

This science fiction adventure, Orion’s Key, is my second full-length novel...

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I wouldn't mention that it's your second book. That's like screaming "my first book didn't sell!"

...and is the first in a prospective series of books chronicling Devon Carter’s adventures on the world of Athena B, which is modeled after our own prehistoric Earth.

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You've already mentioned that Athena B is populated with Earth's prehistoric life-forms; I wouldn't repeat it here.

As for the mention of the "prospective series of books," I don't know what advice to give you here. My own fantasy novel that's currently making the rounds is the first of a seven-book series. Some have advised me that it's presumptuous to mention the sequels, others have said that this demonstrates your committment and good work habits to prospective agents and publishers. I've tried it both ways and still haven't gotten a nibble, so I don't know what the right answer is.

It is complete at 107,000 words, and the sequel is well underway at 27,000.

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Mentioning the length and that it's completed is Good. Mentioning that you've already started on the sequel may or may not be Good (see above).

At your request, I would be happy to send more sample chapters or the complete manuscript.

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"More" sample chapters? See my comments on this below.

I hope you find the enclosed sample intriguing, and I thank you for your consideration.

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You're sending them sample pages? How many? Again, I can't say whether this is a good idea or not, since some will tell you "yeah, go ahead, it can't hurt," while others will tell you with equal conviction "send them exactly what they ask for, no more, no less." But if you decide to send sample pages, they should be the first X number of pages, not pages yanked from what you consider the best scenes.

Sincerely,



XXXXXXXXX

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Those are my observations, for better or for worse. I hope they're useful to you.

Delete the words "mysteriously" and "prodigious". They distract the reader from the content of your query; also, the use of prodigious to describe a prodigy is an archaic meaning according to Merriam-Webster.

If your first novel was published by a reputable publisher, give the title and publisher. If it has not been published, or was self-published, don't mention it.

Make it clear the books in the series can stand alone as independent novels.

You sound sane and grammatical to me. Find a style book with a sample business letter and copy that format. There should be one at your library.

I have reviewed query letters before, and I have given out some advice. Basically:

• Be brief
• Be concise
• Use the right words, preferrably nouns and verbs
• Avoid adjectives and adverbs
• Be professional and courteous
• Give enough plot to entice the agent/publisher. Sell, sell, sell!

I would suggest you start with an intro about your book first. Just by reading the first paragraph I have no idea if it's sci-fi, fantasy or horror, until I read further. It's a good idea to clue the agent/publisher in early.



In the late 29th century (I assume it happens on Earth? What kind of society do they have?), historian Devon Carter is given a once-in-a-lifetime chance (what is it? a contest? a vacation? an expedition?) to travel to the colonies of the Outer Rim, where exiles of an ancient war (what war, with whom?) took refuge seven centuries earlier. (But w)When his ship arrives on the colony (world) Athena B, his (dream) adventure turns into a nightmarish fight for survival – and his own life may not be the only thing at stake. (The previous sentence reads clunky. Try this: His adventure turns into a nightmare of survival after his ship lands on colony Athena B) (cut For when t)The colonists who seeded (this world) Athena B with prehistoric life (, they) also left behind a dark(er) legacy: a superweapon called Orion’s Key, capable of leveling continents and laying waste to worlds, and the secret to its power is mysteriously locked away in Devon’s genetic code. (This paragraph is nothing but set up. I think it's a little too long. You should need to get to the point quicker).



As he begins his trek (what trek? Trek for what? You just "told" us that he's in a fight to survive -- maybe save the world? It's not clear -- what is at stakes here? What happened after 700 years of peace?), accompanied by (prodigious) starship pilot Sarah Meyer and (flamboyant) genetically-engineered dinosaur Gallic, a war breaks out between the native factions of Athena B. And if Devon and his companions do not find the Key soon, all hope for the future may be lost. (Why? Please avoid these vague statements -- it doesn't help to sell your concept. "Future may be lost" is so generic and blah that it won't entice an agent. They need something specific -- something that hasn't been done before or at least a different twist to the "save the world" theme. What is at stake here?)



This science fiction adventure (is it sci-fi or is it adventure? they are two different genres), Orion’s Key, is (my second full-length novel and is the first in a prospective series of books chronicling Devon Carter’s adventures on the world of Athena B, which is modeled after our own prehistoric Earth. It is complete at 107,000 words, and the sequel is well underway at 27,000.) -- No. Just keep the query to THIS book. If you have done your job describing the worlds and Devon Carter in the synopsis, you won't need to do it here. Just cut to the chase. Also, as I said before, move this to the top...


(At your request,)--don't state the obvious. I would be happy to send more sample chapters or the complete manuscript.

Do you have any publishing credits? Here's a good place to mention them.

It's okay to send a brief synopsis with your query. Mention an SASE. If you ARE sending sample chapters, say so here as well: "I'm enclosing three sample chapters, a brief synopsis and an author's bio."


I hope you find the enclosed sample intriguing, and I thank you for your consideration.



Sincerely,



XXXXXXXXX

Shawn just posted an awesome query letter template that you may want to check out. It's in this thread:
http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9780

maestrowork said:

I would suggest you start with an intro about your book first. Just by reading the first paragraph I have no idea if it's sci-fi, fantasy or horror, until I read further. It's a good idea to clue the agent/publisher in early.

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Some query letter critiques I've read were of the opinion that opening with an intro about the book is weak. Apparently, it all depends on who is doing the critiquing.

As arkady said, there's a lot of contradictory advice flying around.

Perhaps I'll reveal how green I am by saying this, but I don't think there's any magic format or formula--what's most important is that the letter is well written and professional. I'd like to think that agents/editors base their decisions on what the letter says, rather than on what paragraph appears where. Sometimes I think too much time is spent obsessing over stuff that doesn't really matter.

You're absolutely right, Brinkett. There's no magic bullet.

In AlaskaMatt's case, though, I was confused. And if I were a busy agent or editor, I wouldn't want to be confused. I would like to know what the book is about on first glance.


Just remember your audience -- these are busy agents and editors who see thousands of queries and book proposals, and who has a set process to make their lives easier. What can you do to draw their attention?

1. Write a great book
2. Make sure all the info is in the query so they don't have to keep looking for it (genre, word count, contact, etc.)
3. Sell it the best way you can -- make the story so INTRIGUING that they just can't help but request material


That's basically it. A lot of advice out there (and on AW) is just that: advice. A cookie cutter approach may not work either, but something wacky would probably turn off a busy agent as well... Use your good sense.

Alaskamatt:

Chiming in, though my own cover letters have received only moderate interest. Ont he same logic that sometimes it's easier to spot flaws in others' work I use when both reading and doling out critiques.

My advice would be simply to cut every single adjective, adverb, or other descriptor whose presence you can't justify as supporting the summary at least two ways (This includes things like "a Once-in-a-lifetime chance", not just "prodigious"). Where you do need them (Such as in mentioning a character's traits) use one in places you used two or three.

Your English is clear and your grammar is not a problem, but if you use too many descriptors in such a brief summary, they might think that your novel is likewise bloated.

Shawn's summary is Amazing -- but it is a YMMV thing whether you like the format. If you don't, people have sold with story blurbs like yours.

The point about putting the genre at the top is a good one - yes, "the 29th century" should be a cue, but someone skimming the first paragraph while distracted could still miss it. Be cautious, don't assume they want to come to their conclusions about genre/length by a series of clues. Put the genre in the lead.

(Although SF adventure is a reasonable combination of genres - there's hard SF, SF that's literary, SF that's dark, SF that's space opera, and it is good for the agent/publisher to know where in the big spectrum of SF you're aiming - it can be more effective to note that it's adventurish by a comparison to other authors or known sources)

The last paragraphs, about samples/complete manuscript, etc. should change depending on each publisher's guidelines. When sending to agents, I have, in the same batch, sent a solo letter, 10 pages and a synopsis, 50 pages and an outline, all dependant on what the agent said they favoured, and tailored the letters to suit. (EG, If it includes a sample and synopsis, the letter's blurbing can be much sparser, a one paragraph summary instead of a three paragraph one. Just enough to lead them to the rest.)


Suddenly I want to start doing some changes to my own Query and cover letter templates. Obviously I'm learnign something from this too. (Yay!)

alaskamatt17 said:

I don't have any previous publishing credentials, but I think I should mention that it's the first in a series and that the sequel is underway. I know that if I was an agent I wouldn't want to find out after I'd requested additional material that the book was not a stand-alone novel.

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I've been told, Mention it right away. I've been told, don't mention it in the first letter/sample, but mention it if they request a sample / completed manuscript. I've been told a variety of things between, though they all do suggest admitting to it relatively early on.

I think it comes down to whether the book CAN stand alone. Agents don't necessarily want to hear that a new writer is planning a 7-part epic in which you can't read any sequel without reading the first book(s). (I've been told that if you intend such a series, write and sell a standalone or two *first* so you have a proven track record to point to.) They might, however, be interested in a series in which the same universe and characters are used, but in which the books can be read independently of one another, or out of order.