kerr, i think you're going through what all erotica writers go through, what all writers who may socially be seen as "crossing the line" go through.
but it's a core question to being an author. did you ever write a story or an essay or a paragraph filled with truth you had to read or share with others? did the subjects of your story squirm or react to how you perceived them? even with fiction, we capture truths on paper, gathering details and images and reflecting them back to the world, and some people don't like it. they are creeped out by what we make, the skill and power we have. it's easily ignored in the day to day but when it's YOU and YOUR family it becomes very personal and suddenly you feel very beholden.
i think we can all understand and relate to what you're going through.
now, i began reading erotica at a very, illegal, young age. the kind of age that would make most adults uncomfortable. i came to it on my own. i began writing it at 10 or so. i KNEW what i wanted to write, even as a child. and the whole time, i knew it would be seen as taboo, wrong, gross, scary, shameful, etc. etc.
in writing erotica, you realize others are going to judge you. they are going to make assumptions about who and what you are and what your mind is capable of. they're going to put you in a box, or remove you from the mental "i understand this" box and put you in the "i don't understand or trust this box."
like anything else you might choose in your life, kerr, that is their problem - and only yours if you make it yours. family notwithstanding, you have every right as a human being and artist to create, to create what moves you, what breathes life into your very soul, what makes you burn with inner joy and power.
if that happens to be scifi, fantasy, horror, erotica, thrillers, whatever it is - that is your sacred inborn talent, and nothing to be ashamed of.
my personal choice was to use my real name. i knew that one day i may have to deal with the fact that my real name was on a cover of a book that others would judge me by. but i also know that what i write i write for me, and for my reader, and for those who judge - it's not for them. so they can despise it, mock it, be afraid of it - but if they are too afraid to get to know it or respect it, then i am not going to waste my time being afraid of what they think of what i make, or me.
i understand that you have, to date, developed a certain "reputation" with your family, friends, community. you may not want to risk that reputation. if your fear is that strong, there are ways to write what you love or what excites you (that's not even necessarily a sexual excitement) and to maintain the reputation. then when you feel comfortable enough, perhaps after a few years of having done it, you can broach the topic with your friends and family and let them know that this is something you believe in, something that moves you, something you dont' want to stop doing - something that's a part of you.
as for strippers - if you feel that what strippers do is lowly and beneath you, then yes, you have a moral dilemma. but things are never black and white. some strippers are true artists. some are the kindest, smartest, bravest, most talented women, who happen to create magic by unveiling their bodies. some are probably crass, bitter, used up, trashy, negative beings. and some are probably saints.
as long as you are adding something GOOD to the world - adding something new and unique only YOU could give to it, what does it matter? if you are making art, art you believe in, why should you hide it away or never finish the story because someone else might not like the fact you wrote it? because someone else might not feel comfortable your brain is capable of going there?
if anything, that feels wrong to me. even if it's just between you and the computer, the story deserves to be written. if a story is in your head, it's alive. it deserves to live. that's why you're a writer. that is what you do. that is who you are.
i hope i haven't come off to preachy, but it just gets my goat to see someone so obviously enjoy creating something, something new and scary and different, but something that brings them joy and fear and excitement - and talk about not doing it at all, or being afraid of doing it at all, because of what others might think about the creation, or the fact you create it.
gets my goat, it does!! i'll shut up now.
I guess I was confused because last night I really hadn't thought further than the fact that the story crossed over my own limits. I reread what I had written and, yes, it's beyond horror. It definitely crosses into erotica, and this without yet reaching climax. lol Hence, my terror and need to show my daughter what I'm working on. This goes against my grain. I'm still wondering what I'm doing in here. I feel writing erotica is akin to stripping to support the kids. What will I tell them later? How will I account for myself, live with myself if they are suddenly ashamed that I'm their mother/ grandmother. My daughter's thirty. If I can write it, she can handle reading it. But if I write it, and continue to write it--if I publish it, make a name, how will they feel if someone one day writes Kerr is so-and-so. Best I face that now while I'm only considering. If she had reacted strongly the story would have been over.
The writing, though, made me feel alive with abandon, carefree, reckless. Young? But no, I didn't finish. I fell asleep. And today I've been sick. Perhaps tomorrow. Thanks for listening as I consider through this same strange new world.
