Question about a WIP

[alaskamatt17]

I am unsure whether I should have the following excerpt from my book as one paragraph or as three. I originally wrote it as three, but a member of my crit group thought I should meld it all into one paragraph. I like the suggestion, but I also liked the way it was before. Any advice would be appreciated.


Three paragraphs:

He sighed and set his pen down. It was no use trying to recall what he'd learned in the Academy. Thoughts of Gershom's Revolution swam in his mind; war stories that had grown over seven centuries loomed in their wake. But those were other people's adventures, not his. He hoped someday to record such world-shaping events with his own pen, as men and women had in the early twenty-second century when the war broke out.

It was a foolish hope. Humanity had learned its lesson in the chaotic years after Gershom exiled the Confederacy, and wars of that scale had been scarce in the near-millennium since. Still, Devon knew there was a chance for adventure out here.

Not yet, however. The days dragged out aboard the Ardent as they would in a prison, and he found himself spending more and more time in his cell. His mind always suffered under the persecuting monotony of life in space.


#


One paragraph:

He sighed and set his pen down. It was no use trying to recall what he'd learned in the Academy. Thoughts of Gershom's Revolution swam in his mind; war stories that had grown over seven centuries loomed in their wake. But those were other people's adventures, not his. He hoped someday to record such world-shaping events with his own pen, as men and women had in the early twenty-second century when the war broke out. It was a foolish hope. Humanity had learned its lesson in the chaotic years after Gershom exiled the Confederacy, and wars of that scale had been scarce in the near-millennium since. Still, Devon knew there was a chance for adventure out here. Not yet, however. The days dragged out aboard the Ardent as they would in a prison, and he found himself spending more and more time in his cell. His mind always suffered under the persecuting monotony of life in space.


If this is too vague out of context, I'll post the whole page. Just didn't want to put a strain on anyone's eyes.

[Mistook]

I am unsure whether I should have the following excerpt from my book as one paragraph or as three. I originally wrote it as three, but a member of my crit group thought I should meld it all into one paragraph. I like the suggestion, but I also liked the way it was before. Any advice would be appreciated.


Three paragraphs:

He sighed and set his pen down. It was no use trying to recall what he'd learned in the Academy. Thoughts of Gershom's Revolution swam in his mind; war stories that had grown over seven centuries loomed in their wake. But those were other people's adventures, not his. He hoped someday to record such world-shaping events with his own pen, as men and women had in the early twenty-second century when the war broke out.

It was a foolish hope. Humanity had learned its lesson in the chaotic years after Gershom exiled the Confederacy, and wars of that scale had been scarce in the near-millennium since. Still, Devon knew there was a chance for adventure out here.

Not yet, however. The days dragged out aboard the Ardent as they would in a prison, and he found himself spending more and more time in his cell. His mind always suffered under the persecuting monotony of life in space.


#


One paragraph:

He sighed and set his pen down. It was no use trying to recall what he'd learned in the Academy. Thoughts of Gershom's Revolution swam in his mind; war stories that had grown over seven centuries loomed in their wake. But those were other people's adventures, not his. He hoped someday to record such world-shaping events with his own pen, as men and women had in the early twenty-second century when the war broke out. It was a foolish hope. Humanity had learned its lesson in the chaotic years after Gershom exiled the Confederacy, and wars of that scale had been scarce in the near-millennium since. Still, Devon knew there was a chance for adventure out here. Not yet, however. The days dragged out aboard the Ardent as they would in a prison, and he found himself spending more and more time in his cell. His mind always suffered under the persecuting monotony of life in space.


If this is too vague out of context, I'll post the whole page. Just didn't want to put a strain on anyone's eyes.


This is just my opinion as a reader, but the three paragraph structure makes more sense. I would end the first paragraph on, "... It was a foolish hope." and begin the second with, "Humanity had learned it's lesson..."

I'd keep the third the way it is.

"Humanity had learned it's lesson..." is the beginning of a new thought, and you're imparting some backstory to us in the process, so I would try to make it stand out.

You might even break it up a bit more by phrasing some of that as direct thoughts.

[sharon]

Hello AlaskaMatt17!
I agree completely with Mistook. The original format does make more sense and your second paragraph should start with, 'Humanity had learned...'
The story is very interesting, by the way... even just reading this small amount of your writing. :D Good luck with it!

[Jamesaritchie]

I am unsure whether I should have the following excerpt from my book as one paragraph or as three. I originally wrote it as three, but a member of my crit group thought I should meld it all into one paragraph. I like the suggestion, but I also liked the way it was before. Any advice would be appreciated.


Three paragraphs:

He sighed and set his pen down. It was no use trying to recall what he'd learned in the Academy. Thoughts of Gershom's Revolution swam in his mind; war stories that had grown over seven centuries loomed in their wake. But those were other people's adventures, not his. He hoped someday to record such world-shaping events with his own pen, as men and women had in the early twenty-second century when the war broke out.

It was a foolish hope. Humanity had learned its lesson in the chaotic years after Gershom exiled the Confederacy, and wars of that scale had been scarce in the near-millennium since. Still, Devon knew there was a chance for adventure out here.

Not yet, however. The days dragged out aboard the Ardent as they would in a prison, and he found himself spending more and more time in his cell. His mind always suffered under the persecuting monotony of life in space.


#


One paragraph:

He sighed and set his pen down. It was no use trying to recall what he'd learned in the Academy. Thoughts of Gershom's Revolution swam in his mind; war stories that had grown over seven centuries loomed in their wake. But those were other people's adventures, not his. He hoped someday to record such world-shaping events with his own pen, as men and women had in the early twenty-second century when the war broke out. It was a foolish hope. Humanity had learned its lesson in the chaotic years after Gershom exiled the Confederacy, and wars of that scale had been scarce in the near-millennium since. Still, Devon knew there was a chance for adventure out here. Not yet, however. The days dragged out aboard the Ardent as they would in a prison, and he found himself spending more and more time in his cell. His mind always suffered under the persecuting monotony of life in space.


If this is too vague out of context, I'll post the whole page. Just didn't want to put a strain on anyone's eyes.

I like it as three, though I would begin the second paragraph just as you did with "It was a foolish hope." This is, I think, the natural breaking point, and a good lead into the second paragraph.

Paragraphs have a pretty rigid structure in formal writing, but in fiction the paragraph is flexible.

[alaskamatt17]

Thanks everyone. Well, the general consensus seem to be that I should leave it as three paragraphs, so that's what I'll do.

[cwfgal]

I like the 3 paragraphs, too, just as you have them written.

Beth