Dialogue: Three's a crowd

You can use action in place of dialogue tags.



"What do you mean?" Jack asked.

Bill picked up the knife. "He stabbed her right in front of me."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes, I swear."

"Wait," Tom stepped forward. "You're totally making this up."


Horrible copy, but you get the idea.

*Put it with action.
*Make the voices distinct enough to where you can tell who's talking.

Even in 3 conversations, 2 people usually dominate. That might make things easier. Good luck!

If you give the characters unique characteristics say in speech or dress you can rely on that to help the reader keep track of who is saying what.

I would tend to go with 'saids' if they are just standing around talking. Action tags that seem deliberately inserted are mnore obstrusive than a basic tag.

veinglory said:

I would tend to go with 'saids' if they are just standing around talking. Action tags that seem deliberately inserted are mnore obstrusive than a basic tag.

Click to expand...

Very true. My wip rarely has more than two people talking so I don't have this problem, but there's nothing wrong with 'said'.

veinglory said:

I would tend to go with 'saids' if they are just standing around talking. Action tags that seem deliberately inserted are mnore obstrusive than a basic tag.

Click to expand...

Yeah, I agree with this. But usually people are doing something while they're talking, not just standing around.

Don't force action in if it doesn't belong, but it's useful if they're...well...acting.

You could also narrate some of the dialogue.

"I won't call him. He doesn't talk to me." Shannon couldn't get the wrapper open. She tried with her teeth.

"He doesn't need to be there anyway," said Phil.

But Pete kept saying Reese was the only reason any of them had for going. He kept droning about it. "Were any of us invited? Even implied?"

"Who would think to ask? They're probably expecting Phil to crash it anyway."

A very simple way is to not make all three speakers proportional -- a back and forth between two speakers is natural. You then use a dialogue tag when the third chimes in.

I looked over at Bill. "You'll never guess what happened to me today."
"What?"
"Go on, guess."
"I don't want to guess."
"Don't be such a spoilsport, Myra said, poking him in the ribs.
"I told you, I don't want to guess."
I shrugged. "Then I'm not going to tell you."
I don't care."
"Spoilsport," Myra said.

When I want to learn something like this I will follow this process: (1) Collect several novels I've already read. (2) Find scenes in each novel with 3 or more characters talking. (3) Read and analyze the scenes to see how they do it. (4) Try out the "techniques" with my own piece.

Lisa F said:

When I want to learn something like this I will follow this process: (1) Collect several novels I've already read. (2) Find scenes in each novel with 3 or more characters talking. (3) Read and analyze the scenes to see how they do it. (4) Try out the "techniques" with my own piece.

Click to expand...

An excellent suggestion. Just make sure you pick novels where it's well done -- just because something's published doesn't necessarily mean it's good.

veinglory said:

I would tend to go with 'saids' if they are just standing around talking. Action tags that seem deliberately inserted are mnore obstrusive than a basic tag.

Click to expand...

I think that most readers tend to read over "he said" and "she said" even "Tom said" so quickly that it doesn't phase them or break them out of the story when used correctly.

On the other hand, this jars them out of the story:

Mark was aghast. "You're not serious!" he exclaimed incredulously.
"I'm so totally serious," she insisted fervently.
"She can't be lying," Mary interjected on her behalf.
"Wait," John said, throwing up a hand.
"Don't interrupt," Sue Ellen said, throwing in her own objection....

Clearly, the dialog loses its flow.

[Amending for clarity]
I think that this works really well:

Mark was aghast. "You're not serious!"
"I'm so totally serious."
"She can't be lying," Mary said, coming to her friend's defense.
"Now wait," said John.
Sue Ellen glared at him. "Don't interrupt!"

Of course, having a crowded dialog is terribly difficult to manage, but it can be done. It just has to be done carefully. And it takes a lot of work, and editing. Read it out loud to yourself. Does it flow smoothly? If it doesn't, rework the troublesome parts until it does, or eliminate nonessential characters from the dialog.

(Can you achieve the same thing in the scene with fewer characters? I'm guessing that's a question an editor would ask.)

Usually three people don't speak one after another. Usually two people have an exchange, then the third person chimes in, or switch to another pair. So most likely you end up with one-on-one conversation anyway. So just ignore the tag until you need to switch person.

(assuming Jack and Jill have been talking to each other)
"Really?"
"Yeah, that's what she said."
"And what did he say?"
"I haven't heard back."
"You didn't?" John said. "I just talked to her."
"Really?" Jack said.
"Yes, just last night. She seemed fine."
"I hope so."
"And what else did she say?" Jill said.
"About what?" John said.
"About, you know... Jesus, I can't believe we're having this conversation."

Obviously, action works, too. But if you add too much action, you will slow down the flow. Basically cut the tag whenever you can without sacrificing clarity.

There are also a lot of great words to use besides 'said', and you can tack adjectives onto 'said' in order to mitigate the repetitiveness of it. Like this:

***WARNING: LANGUAGE***

"You could just quit, you know," Kite said dryly.

Dyl glared at him, and Jake wandered over from the window, hands in the pockets of his faded jeans. "S'not like that," he said wisely. "Ye can't just STOP. If ye could, it wouldn't be love."

"Mm," Dyl agreed sullenly. "Doesn't matter if you want it or not. It just... comes up on you and then just TAKES you. Sometimes before you even know it. And by the time you know to fight it, it's too late. You're gone and all you can do is just... give in and hope it doesn't kill you."

"Seems to me like the thing to do would be to kill the object in self-defense," Kite pointed out.

Jake snorted softly, but not unkindly. "Aye, and ye think that 'cause ye've never met a person ye couldn't live without. Ye'r blessed with the freedom o'not givin' a damn. We neither of us had that privilige."

"I DID," Dyl corrected, sniffling. "It just fucking blindsided me."

"I don't get you two," Kite declared. "It's not like they've left you. They haven't even hurt you. You're both in secure, long-term relationships, right? So what's with the angst? Seriously, there's no excuse for it I can see."

"S'not angst, exactly," Jake protested. "More like... anxiety. Makes the world more tenuous, havin' somethin' to lose. And it's so important, ye start second-guessin' yerself all the time."

"Has it occurred to you to just talk about it honestly? I assume you can TRUST these people you claim to love."

"It's not about trust," Dylanae spat back.

"Sure it is," Kite retorted. "You're afraid of something. If you're afraid, you're not trusting."

"Ye've got a point, but it's more complicated than that," Jake said soothingly. "It's about wantin' to be a better person for 'em, and bein' afraid ye're not up to the task. And once they find out how human... well, human fer lack of better terms... ye really are, they'll realize what a huge bloody mistake they made investin' all that time and effort into ye."

"Everyone else in the world could tell you you're a worthless piece of shit," Dyl muttered. "But if they said it... it'd matter."

Kite thumped the back of his head against the chair. "Lord. It's NOT more complicated than that," he repeated. "You're saying you don't trust their judgment. That they don't know what they got into. That they don't really know, and like, who YOU are. Do you have a good reason to believe that? Have you been leading them on?"

Jake sighed deeply and Dylanae just looked mutinous. Kite shrugged.

"If you haven't, your fears are baseless. Hell, the shit you're so wound up about, they've probably known for ages and dismissed as unimportant."

"It's about disappointin' the person you most wanna be good for," Jake attempted.

"It's about safety," Dylanae murmured. "What if they're not as lost as you? What then? You make an idiot of yourself, spouting affection and sap, for nothing. They think you're pathetic."

"He's a fucking black dragon and you're his fucking life mate. I think you're beyond that point," Kite said harshly. "Don't they give pregnant people hormones to keep you balanced?"

"Oh," Dylanae snapped, "That's right, I forgot I could just run by the nearest clinic on the BRAND NEW FUCKING UNPOPULATED PLANET."

"Well, find an herb or something, because if you could listen to yourself right now, you'd be annoyed."

"Cool it, lads."

All those -ly words make my head hurt.

maestrowork said:

All those -ly words make my head hurt.

Click to expand...

*blink* ......... *pats?*

I'm not saying the how-to-write books are the last word in writing, Sonneillon, but most being purchased today reflect the modern aversion to adverbs with said and asked--particularly ones ending in -ly.

If nothing else, the old Tom Swift jokes killed them. "I'm thirsty," Tom said dryly. "Isn't the view from the top of this barn spectacular?" Tom asked loftily.

It's okay to give said and asked an occasional break, but they're pretty much the work horses of good dialogue.

Chase said:

I'm not saying the how-to-write books are the last word in writing, Sonneillon, but most being purchased today reflect the modern aversion to adverbs with said and asked--particularly ones ending in -ly.

If nothing else, the old Tom Swift jokes killed them. "I'm thirsty," Tom said dryly. "Isn't the view from the top of this barn spectacular?" Tom asked loftily.

Click to expand...

I must be out of the loop on the Tom Swift jokes, since I'm not sure who Tom Swift is. I just find dialogue that reads "he said, she said" in a line down the page to be really monotonous. -ly words have never bothered me unless they're used constantly, in the same sentence format, like the example you gave. But it may be that my exposure just bred a different taste.

TyrantMikey said:

I think that most readers tend to read over "he said" and "she said" even "Tom said" so quickly that it doesn't phase them or break them out of the story when used correctly.

On the other hand, this jars them out of the story:

Mark was aghast. "You're not serious!" he exclaimed incredulously.
"I'm so totally serious," she insisted fervently.
"She can't be lying," Mary interjected on her behalf.
"Wait," John said, throwing up a hand.
"Don't interrupt," Sue Ellen said, throwing in her own objection....

Clearly, the dialog loses its flow.

[Amending for clarity]
I think that this works really well:

Mark was aghast. "You're not serious!"
"I'm so totally serious."
"She can't be lying," Mary said, coming to her friend's defense.
"Now wait," said John.
Sue Ellen glared at him. "Don't interrupt!"

Click to expand...

The problem of your example of action tags is that none of them are action tages, just rather poorly done dialogue tags. Not a single one shows an action.

If action tags are well done they do not slow anything down and people are rarely just talking heads which makes for boring dialogue.

edit: Sonneillon, a line of nothing but "he said" down the page might seem boring to you but many people find tags such as "he attempted" jarring to put it mildingly. Attempted? He couldn't say it? Not to mention ly verbs with almost every tag.

Here is a quote from the Turkey City Lexicon on Tom Swiftisms:

Tom Swifty

An unseemly compulsion to follow the word "said" with a colorful adverb, as in "'We'd better hurry,' Tom said swiftly." This was a standard mannerism of the old Tom Swift adventure dime-novels. Good dialogue can stand on its own without a clutter of adverbial props.

Click to expand...

Bolded for empasis.

Sonneillon said:

There are also a lot of great words to use besides 'said', and you can tack adjectives onto 'said' in order to mitigate the repetitiveness of it. Like this

Click to expand...

This is poor advice.

Sonneillon said:

I just find dialogue that reads "he said, she said" in a line down the page to be really monotonous. -ly words have never bothered me unless they're used constantly, in the same sentence format, like the example you gave.

Click to expand...

He said/she said doesn't have to be straight down the page. Overall, 'said' is an invisible word. Your example was over-the-top and wasn't a good sample of natural-sounding dialog.

Easy! Just make sure there are three completely different characters having the conversation.

For example, let's have a teenage boy, a woman in her 30s, and a thousand-year-old vampire. They're all working the night shift at a fast food place. The woman is the manager and the vampire has just been hired, so it's his first shift:

------------

The flat, shining device on the counter emitted a strange sound. Vladimir picked it up. "What is this odd contraption?"

Nick snatched it. "Gimme that thing, man! You don't just grab a guy's cell phone."

"What's going on up there?" Rhonda came to the front of the store and frowned. "Nick, you're supposed to be training Vlad. And I told you not to bring your phone to work."

"My name is Vladimir von Lichtenstein, madame. I do not wish to be addressed so crudely."

Nick laughed. "Dude, your nametag says Vlad. Everybody's gonna call you that, so you might as well get used to it."

"This nametag. Where might I find a replacement?"

"We couldn't fit Vladimir on there, okay?" Rhonda gave an exasperated sigh. "The company charges by the letter."

"I am deeply offended."

"No worries, Vlad. It's gonna get worse. Wait'll you serve some business chick cold fries."

"Nick! There are customers out there."

"So what? They don't have cold fries."

-----------------------------------------

Okay, so maybe that won't work in every situation, but if you can manage unique voices for your characters, it's a great way to differentiate in three-way dialogue. What everybody else said works, too.

Although I agree that they can be (and often are) overused, I think -ly adverbs have gotten a bad rap lately. Naturally it is better to have the emotion/delivery/etc. come through either via the dialogue itself or through some action that makes it clear. But sometimes an -ly adverb will get you where you need to go quickly and unobtrusively.

The story I always tell is that once, a couple of years ago, I heard some people running down J.K Rowling for her use of -ly adverbs. I do tend to think she overuses them. Then I sat down with another book that night and realized that, on a two-page spread, the author had used no fewer than 9 of them. The author was Henry James; the book was Portrait of a Lady. Does anybody think of Henry James as a careless, unclear or unsophisticated author? My Lord, no.

To bring this back to the topic: I struggle with this myself. You have to really work not to end up with nod-nod syndrome, where everybody has an action to go with each piece of dialogue and so they all come across as very twitchy. Don't be afraid of using "said" a lot -- it's more invisible than anything else you could use.

I did not say never use -ly words or never use adverbs, but like all blocks of language, it's how they are used. In the example provided, they were a bit in-your-face.

Birol, I'll consider what you said. At the moment, I still disagree, but I'll try to find a new perspective from which to look at it.

Minor Derail, on the topic of Adverbs:

I agree with Claudia that adverbs are getting a really bad rap lately. I think they're like cayenne pepper or tabasco sauce on your scrambled eggs -- too much and your breakfast is no longer edible, but when used sparingly they can add a nice little kick. IMHO, anyway.

For me, there are two adverb constructs that I LOVE, simply because when I run across them in text, they give me an instant image of what's going on.

1) "It's not that simple," she said quietly.

2) "Inane Advice," he said sagely.

The first gives me a sense of a speaker who has just had their feelings hurt or is imparting some earth-shattering news as politely as they can. The second always makes me giggle, because the speaker is usually being a total prat, or has no idea what he or she is talking about.

Reading over what I just posted I have no idea if it makes any sense. Forgive me, it's 5am and I'm only on my first cup of coffee.

*ahem* Carry on.

/derail