Challenge V: Figurative Language in Poetry

Okay, here's the next challenge. Write a poem using figurative language, including words that have ambiguous meanings (double entendre) to add to the richness of the work. I'd also ask that before you post, you go back over your poem and look at the internal rhyme, the alliteration, and see if you can improve the poem by your choice of words. The poem does not have to rhyme, but again, pay attention to the music (after all, these challenges are designed to make us better poets.)

By way of example, here's mine: (Yours need not be as long.)

Conviction

She blames me, and prosperity, wraps it
in the truth of our conviction. She says
“In my day, a good mother would never
sacrifice family for a career…”
her words trail off, leaving me spotlighted
by her blindness. Like a runaway train,
speeding to an unstoppable downhill
conclusion, she gives it an extra push:
“They need to get outside; explore the world.”

Here, battles not fought are better than those lost.
Here, where a child is safer exploring
a world of digital demons, than the
hell outside, here, where a ring world hanging
in a sprite-spangled night is every bit
as grand as Neverland or Wonderland.
Here, where heroes hit homeruns on the strength
of steroids rather than Babe’s bourbon’s stench.
Here, where leash laws and licenses keep
cats out of trees and red, neon hands stand
in as saviors for the inattentive,
hollow heroes in a world kept tidy
by lawyers who have everything covered
like the plastic that keeps the touch of now
from the lie of that is her sterile life.

Children should never argue with mothers,
it’s the one thing we agree on, and so
I forgo the raised eyebrow that hovers
like a black cloud, bristling with her malice
over my “I’m doing the best I can.”

I’m doing the best I can; the thought
echoes off the wide, high walls of a life
built from the stones my mother cast at me.

When looking at these, try to do better than mine. But, for the sake of critiquing, or improving our eye for what works in this type of poem, I'll crit this. Hopefully, you find some value in my shamelessness, lol.

LimeyDawg said:

Conviction

She blames me, and prosperity, wraps it <---Internal rhyme in the "e" sounds in "me" and "prosperity"
in the truth of our conviction. She says<---there is a dual meaning in conviction here. Applied to the mother, it means her strong belief. Applied the the MC of this work, it means an imposed sentence. There is assonance here, in the short "i" sounds of "in" and "conviction", which also carry over from the previous line's "prosperity" and "it".
“In my day, a good mother would never<---the word "good" plays of the double entendre in the word conviction, strengthening both.
sacrifice family for a career…”<---see the consonance in the "f" sounds here? Also, the long "e" sounds in "family (familee)" and "career"
her words trail off, leaving me spotlighted<---the "o" sounds in "off" and "spotlighted". Also, spotlighted paints a figurative picture of the MC
by her blindness. Like a runaway train,<---the image of a runaway train juxtaposed over the idea of an overbearing mother serves to strengthnen the image.
speeding to an unstoppable downhill<---downhill has a dual intent here. First, it adds to the idea of motion. Of course, a runaway train speeds faster downhill, adding to the idea of being unstoppable. Secondly, it plays of the word "conclusion" in the following line, as if the MC knows that the mother's conviction will drag her down and her self esteem with it.
conclusion, she gives it an extra push:<---the idea of an extra push plays off the intensity of the mothers conviction, and also "another push" creates emphasis for the dig that follows.
“They need to get outside; explore the world.”

Click to expand...

I want to add something about the process of poetry here. I get the impression, sometimes, that we rush to post our poems, only to be dismayed by the comments we receive in return. This is because poets sometimes do not take enough time to consider the weight of the words they use. Once you've got your idea, and you've written it in the form of your choosing, you would be well served to go back and consider each word for its musical quality. Quite often, you can turn an ordinary poem into an extraordinary work through the change of a few words. It's important.