I feel like such a fraud sometimes!

[icerose]

My work is finally getting out there, I have revised work that is now produced, I have written stuff that is slated for production and things are moving forward and I'm getting paid, so why do I feel like such a fraud?

Why do I feel sometimes like I don't deserve any of this and that I'm going to be discovered that I don't really have any talent at all.

I think it's the fear of moving into the public eye. I'm not being judged by a company any more but by the public opinion. What if they don't like my work?

It scares and excites me that my work is going to be out there next year for people to see. Bared naked in the waves of public opinion.

I'd heard of other profession writers saying the same thing and never understood it until now.

Anyone else feeling like that?

[aceinc1]

you haven't involved yourself in any fraudulent practices ( you know more about this as you can't hide anything from yourself ).

maybe some butterflies flying in your stomach.

you are feeling nervy. relax.

I'll give you my example. I made my first film and received worst possible critique from the print delivery guy through whom I tried to get connections to a big time company.

worst case scenario is your movie may not be seen by anybody at all, at least it is getting produced. you'll have credits at IMDB.com.

regards,
Aceinc1

[icerose]

Yeah I suppose.

I'm still scared to death. Writing is really where I want my career to be and I suppose this is the juncture to see if I have what it takes to really run with it.

Thanks Ace

[dpaterso]

I'm not sure you're being judged at all. If and when I see one of your films, I just want to be entertained. There are several major factors that might accomplish this, or fail miserably. Your script is just one of 'em. :)

Shrug, my thoughts. Be happy.

-Derek

[icerose]

Thanks Derek,

I know all this, I really do. It's just those feelings of insecurity creeping up.

Sara

[odocoileus]

Being a little scared is probably a good thing. Keeps you honest.

What you want to avoid is crippling fear.

Some people rely on controlled substances.

I think your own adrenaline can work better. Scare the crap out of yourself by riding real fast down a big hill, or climbing some big rocks that you're not quite sure you can scale.

[clockwork]

We've known you long enough to know that you do deserve it, Sara. This isn't a reaction you have no control over so take a couple of nice deep breaths and allow yourself to be OK with it.

[icerose]

You're probably right Odo. I don't have to worry about the crippling fear though, I want it too badly to turn back now. Besides it's on their side now. My part is done for the moment.

I stopped writing the last few days and took the time to read "The Talisman" by Stephan King and Peter Straub and read "Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer. Reading always helps put things and desires back in their places. Reading other's stories especially good stories help fire up the drive again. Taking care of projects around the house also help.

It all puts distance been me and my project and well distance can be healthy, also clears the mind.

Thanks Chris,

I suppose part of my problem is there's a lot happening at once. The project started small, a couple revision work and editing, I'd done almost as much on the SYW and had done a few in depth critiques on the side so it was nothing new.

Then it bubbled bigger and bigger. Now my own projects are going to hit the line and are being discussed in production meetings and I'll be attending my first real production meeting in an exciting country at their expense this year. My head is whirling and I'm trying to keep firmly on the ground and not let this go to my head and then it hit me that my stuff, my writing, with my name on it was going to be seen by other people and I suddenly felt very vulnerable.

I think part of it is because this is the anniversary to both my acceptance and release and contract release of my Publish America nightmare. Everything starts in January it seems.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it.

[RylenolFlu]

Congratulations on your success. It seems like you've got a pretty awesome opportunity ahead of you. I don't think you should be worried about what people think about your work, afterall, someone saw enough in your work to get it to the stage it's at now. Think about movies like The Accused or Deliverance. Those are films that many (not me) would be hesitant to lay claim on because of the vulgarity and grit. I know when I watch those films I think to myself, "wow, I really wish I could have written something like that". I say, just suck it all in, your at an envious position and have nothing to lose it seems. I hope everything goes well.

[icerose]

Thanks Ryle,
I probably shouldn't be worried about other people's opinions but unfortunately the business of a writer is to please at least a certain section of public opinion, otherwise our careers wither and die. Since I want a career that involves public opinion, it's still going to make me nervous, but I'll try hard not to let it get to me.

[preyer]

you're absolutely right, ice, it's entirely the public's opinion that matters, they're the ones who'll make or break you. that's a disconcerting thought! *then* you don't know how well your vision will match up with everyone else's (people always just say the director, but the editor is an artist in his own right). and if it sucks, we'll all be like, sara, what the hell were you thinking?! oh, sure, we'll say nice things, but you *know* what we'll be thinking....

feel better yet? damn, i'm just not good at this encouragement thing, i guess....

in the meantime, i suggest masking your fears by adopting a weird foreign accent and carrying a riding crop tucked under your arm. and when your movie hits the projected sales, breathe a sigh of relief. anyone who gets in your way, you deal the moses' law with that bad boy. feel like you've been waiting in line too long at starbucks? say loudly, 'you have kept ze great icerose waiting for much too very long. now feel mine wrath!' and start cracking away. when people know your name, you could even get a DUI and slap the officer.

yeah, when i have the clout, i most certainly do plan on being a pain in the ass. then you'll look back on daze like this and laugh maniacally. someday you could buy utah and raze it to the ground... oh, wait, someone beat you to that. well, you could buy something else and do something cool.

and it all starts with a crazy little script by ze screenwriter formally known as sara.

[icerose]

Haha Preyer. You're such a hoot. Somehow I can't even put myself in that picture you just painted. I can't see myself ever yelling at anyone for a line being too long. I'm usually the woman with the large cart letting people go in front of me because they only have a couple of items in their arms.

I also don't drink so the DUI and slapping is out. Not to mention I have a problem with authority (It scares me to death!)

I'll work on the confidence thing though and I will definitely breathe a sigh of relief when it hits projected sales.

Thankfully I've already passed the first set of visions, the first three projects have been produced and the staff has been pretty happy. I've gotten to see trailers and they look pretty darn cool. I just have to wait and see what everyone else thinks about them.

[TrishD]

I'm not a script writer, but I've felt the feelings you feel. When there are writer friends of mine who are still trying to get an agent, I find myself wondering how I managed to land one so quickly... and I'm convinced it was through sheer luck, rather than admitting that maybe, just maybe, my writing deserved one.

[preyer]

well, all i can say is what's the fun of having power, money and influence if you can't use it to destroy the peons under you? i mean, if you've earned your exalted status, those under you should be your slaves, right? and, you know, once you reach a certain level, people will start kissing your ass, so abuse them and they'll thank you for it later. if hollywood has taught us anything it's you can commit murder and get away with it if you're rich and famous enough.

or i could be wrong....

seriously, that's very cool, though, that you've got it going on. wasn't i just critiquing your stories not too long ago? :)

[icerose]

Hi Trish,
Yeah, sometimes admiting you've actually earned the final result is the hardest step. Congrats on the agent.

Preyer,
I don't even know how to respond to that. :) I can't imagine even thinking that way. I fear for the world when you become rich and famous. :P

And yeah, you were. Little steps right?

[Nateskate]

I'm actually quite impressed with what you are doing. Some people are prone to think too highly of themselves, and others feel like they never arrive, which can set striving in motion. And most fall somewhere in between insecurity and being a meglomanic.

This is really a sad thing to say, but I'm most comforted by bad writers who are in print. If I compare myself to writers I could never duplicate, I do feel inferior. But if I look realistically, there are lots of writers in print who aren't that great, I realize "Hey, I can do this..."

Of all the industries that hire writers, the one you are in is highly particular. Be comforted that they saw something in you. That says a great deal. You just need to believe they all can't be wrong.

[RainbowDragon]

A writing career is never over, the landscape just changes. And the stakes are lower when you haven't quit your day job and bought a $600,000 house in LA :) So have fun and see where it leads you, and keep working on the novel in your free time!

[icerose]

Thanks Nate,

I too am comforted because it means there's a slot in there somewhere for me.

Rainbow, I highly agree with that. I have many stories to tell and I don't think I'll ever find my way to LA. My husband is dead set against cities so I'll just have fun travelling for production meetings whenever I get the chance. And yeah, it is certainly my goal to try for publishing again this year, at least this time I know how to do research and know more what to look for and who to ask.

[naimas]

My work is finally getting out there, I have revised work that is now produced, I have written stuff that is slated for production and things are moving forward and I'm getting paid, so why do I feel like such a fraud?

Why do I feel sometimes like I don't deserve any of this and that I'm going to be discovered that I don't really have any talent at all.

I think it's the fear of moving into the public eye. I'm not being judged by a company any more but by the public opinion. What if they don't like my work?

It scares and excites me that my work is going to be out there next year for people to see. Bared naked in the waves of public opinion.

I'd heard of other profession writers saying the same thing and never understood it until now.

Anyone else feeling like that?

I read that HAL PRINCE who is a GOD in the theater world felt the same way and often feared that when he walked on stage to get an award that someone would stand up and point the finger at him and call him a fraud.

I just started up a production company and have people running to help me out. I have two scripts that just got royal praise. In one conversation I got 5000 dollars for my company from an investor, in another conversation I got the rest of the funding needed for my first feature. I just spoke to city officials about getting permits waived. Things are great and you know what???? I FEEL LIKE A FAKER TOO! I feel like someone is going to spring up and say YOU CAN'T DO THAT! So congrats on your success. You aren't alone in what you are feeling. It is something that artist types sometimes have to deal with. Have you read The Artist's Way? It might help.

[icerose]

Congratulations as well! Sounds like things are running well for you.

Well I'm feeling better now. I've decided not to even think about those things, just look forward, not to the side, not back, just plow ahead. It seems to be working.

[preyer]

isn't the stereotype that artists waver from soul-crushing depression to bizarre bouts of megalomania, anyway? (guess which side of the fence i tend to reside.)

[icerose]

Hehe I think I can guess. Though I'm determined to beat both stereotypes. As Chris said, I'm not forced to feel a certain way, I have a choice. I'm choosing to be happy, to take each success and failure in stride and always have an upward reaching goal. To always remember there's more to learn more ways to improve. I want to stay grounded without going too far and sinking downward. I think anyone can do it, I'm certainly determined to do so.

[preyer]

i think it's only one stereotype, that is we're 'supposed' be both terribly insecure *and* unjustifiably egotistical (assuming it's ever justified). :)

[icerose]

Ah so I see. A walking paradox. Well I really don't plan on living up to that stereotype. :)

[maestrowork]

hey, you copied my thread in the Roundtable. :)

But yeah, I'm just starting to shake off this feeling.

[icerose]

I started mine first :P. And yeah same, it's starting to shake off. My biggest thing was facing the anniversary of PA that coincided with so many things moving in the writing department. You think I'd be used to it by now (the PA part).

[DanielD]

To Icerose.
Congratulations.
I hope everything goes fantastic for you.
Hey! And don't feel guilty for your success, you've earned it.
Daniel.

[icerose]

Thanks Daniel,

I hope so too, and thanks, I'm trying hard not to.

Sara