A Cat's New Year's Resolutions
My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that, for now.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium. I will delicately hook them out with my claws when no one is looking, spit the head back in and leave one fish alive on which to blame the 'cannibalism'.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage. They see that with the hairballs.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks, they can get out. Storing them dead makes a much better impression when the human needs to shower in the morning.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep. We will play, 'Ravenous Awesome Lion Hunting the Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti." Much more fun.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again. I will curse and use new words I learned because it's my humans' fault that the birds aren't inside.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. I'll wait until someone brings a leaf inside then mercilessly shred it.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur. I will sniff first without touching, then use my best manners to eat or drink from the cup so my human will think I'm cute and forget that they wanted whatever they shouldn't have anyway.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back. Bastard.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door. All the time. Just when I've nothing else to do and the humans need exercise.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. It's much more fun to do it when they are doing pushups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock. Much too lumpy. However, the keyboard makes a great pillow.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. They should be big enough to show all of me and focus every human's attention on me because I'm much better than any crap on TV.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie. PSYCH! Of course I will! How better to convince them of the things they can't see by pretending I CAN see them!
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files. Chuckle, see above!
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill." I'll drag bras, underwear, and tee shirts, too!
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up. Much better to lie on their face, it's warmer that way.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important dagfsg gdjag ;ln.
If I must claw my human, I will l not do it in such a way that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt. Ideally, they should look like a well-loved scratching post.
If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn't as tasty. Live mice stunned and twitching are even better.
My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that, for now.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium. I will delicately hook them out with my claws when no one is looking, spit the head back in and leave one fish alive on which to blame the 'cannibalism'.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage. They see that with the hairballs.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks, they can get out. Storing them dead makes a much better impression when the human needs to shower in the morning.
We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep. We will play, 'Ravenous Awesome Lion Hunting the Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti." Much more fun.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again. I will curse and use new words I learned because it's my humans' fault that the birds aren't inside.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. I'll wait until someone brings a leaf inside then mercilessly shred it.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur. I will sniff first without touching, then use my best manners to eat or drink from the cup so my human will think I'm cute and forget that they wanted whatever they shouldn't have anyway.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back. Bastard.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door. All the time. Just when I've nothing else to do and the humans need exercise.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. It's much more fun to do it when they are doing pushups.
When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock. Much too lumpy. However, the keyboard makes a great pillow.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. They should be big enough to show all of me and focus every human's attention on me because I'm much better than any crap on TV.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie. PSYCH! Of course I will! How better to convince them of the things they can't see by pretending I CAN see them!
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the X-Files. Chuckle, see above!
I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill." I'll drag bras, underwear, and tee shirts, too!
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up. Much better to lie on their face, it's warmer that way.
I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important dagfsg gdjag ;ln.
If I must claw my human, I will l not do it in such a way that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt. Ideally, they should look like a well-loved scratching post.
If I must give a present to my human guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live bug, even if it isn't as tasty. Live mice stunned and twitching are even better.
