Stepparents and Stepchildren

I think it all depends on the dynamic of the household, how much the "other" parent is in the picture, and how old the children are (younger children develop relationships and accept roles much better than older children). I have some great books on my shelf covering this topic well:

The Courage to be a Stepmom: Finding Your Place Without Losing Yourself by Sue Patton Thoele
Stepmotherhood: How to Survive Without Feeling Frustrated, Left Out, or Wicked by Cherie Burns

I read the first one in one sitting and the second in two afternoons - the information, personal accounts, and examples are excellent.

I think it depends a great deal on the individual families, on things like custody - is the stepparent a full time parent, half time parent, weekend parent for example and how the two families get along (or don't). In my experience there is no "proper role" for any one family.

Step-parents assume that role for many reasons - death and divorce are the most common.

They should be available in your library if they're not at the bookstore - they were each released between 2001 and 2003. You won't regret getting them! I'm sure you'll find fuel for many more articles within the pages of these books, as well. Plus, I'll be you'll find other books that will prove to be extremely helpful.

I can only speak from personal experience on this one. My dad remarried and they told each other that they wouldn't step into the "parenting" role with each others children. My dad my gripe abotu her kids but he doesn't parent them and she has never tried to parent me. I don't live with them so the dynamic is a little more relaxed but they're also a couple that doesn't pool their money either. They keep their finances separate as much as they can because of us.

I've heard of stories where the stepmom throws a temper tantrum when the father wants to go with his exwife up to the college his daughter wants to go to. The new wife doesn't want to go and basically poses an ultimatum between herself and the daughter. It's preposterous things like that that really bother me. When my dad's wife tells this woman that he comes to my house on Christmas, the woman balked and asked 'You let him go over there?' Yeah, there is no "let". My parents divorced for a reason and they're not getting back together and thankfully his wife has a smart enough head on her shoulders to see reason.

When I met my husband, he was the single parent of two children of 12 and 14 years old. I never had children of my own, I never wanted any, so didn't try and be a surrogate mother to them. Plus their own mother was still alive and they would spend a weekend etc with her now and again.

I was a friend to the kids, we had some good times, we had some bad times, but I did step in when the kids would do stuff that impacted on my life as well as their father's, like when the son kept getting into trouble with his friends and the law.
I put my foot down about all of the trouble one day, by then the step son was 16 years old; he turned around and told me that I was nothing to do with the family, so I made him go and live with his mother.
It seems I was perfectly okay when I was spending my hard earned money on clothes etc for them, but not when it came to saying what was what in the house and that I didn't want the police knocking at the door every other day.

The girl was skiving off of school and ended up getting suspended for something or other when she was 16. Her father and I went to the school, she was asked to apologise to the headmaster, which she wouldn't do. She ended up getting expelled and so we took her to live with her mother too. I wasn't going to put up with her lying in bed until 4 pm every day for the rest of her life.

Years later, they are now 30 and 28, we get on well, the son said he didn't blame me for what I did to him and that he wouldn't put up with that either. The girl said that I always treated her better than her natural mother did. So I guess I didn't do too badly... But, I would never ever want to be a step parent again, only if they lived with their mother and I didn't have to cope with the crap 24/7.


Elodie

I didn't enjoy my experience with the woman my father married after my mother died (I still refuse to think of her as anything else). But it was a pretty atypical experience.

1. He started dating two months after my mother's long, painful death from cancer. I was living with him, since I'd been taking care of her, and I still missed my mom so much. His friends and family told me to stop grieving and get over it. At the time I thought they were just being insensitive. Later I realized they were trying to get me used to the idea that a new woman would be on the scene very soon.

2. He married the woman five months after my mother's death, first making so many long-distance calls to her that our phone line was cut off. I paid to have it reconnected out of my savings (didn't have a job at the time). He said he'd repay me. He didn't, even after I asked him for the money.

3. After they got married, he moved her into the same apartment he and my mother had lived in. She used the same pots in the kitchen, kept her cosmetics on the same dresser and slept in the same bed. I couldn't even bring myself to look into that bedroom, much less interact with her.

4. He didn't tell me when the honeymoon would be over and the new woman would be moving in. I came home after the volunteer work I did and found the new woman there. When I asked him why he didn't tell me beforehand, he said "Adults don't need to tell other people their plans."

5. His second wife invited her sister and her niece for prolonged visits within months of her moving in. Later she invited her nephew to come and live with us. I felt as if I was in the middle of a crowd of strangers.

My reaction to all this was to stay in my room all the time. I didn't even eat with them - I'd decided beforehand that I wouldn't eat anything some stranger had prepared in what used to be my mother's kitchen. I found a job shortly afterwards, thankfully, and I saved my money in preparation to emigrate to Canada. Now that I'm here, I have nothing to do with him or his second wife, and I'm much more secure and happy.

Oy.

I've had three (I think - I'm trying to remember all of them) stepmothers. Ugh.

The first one was a classic example - "let's be best buddies" - until she got the ring. Then she decided she was the same as my mom. Um. No. I had one mother I argued with constantly. Didn't want or need another (I was also about 12 and just getting into that bitchy phase. You know - the one I haven't quite grown out of just yet. ) Then she had a baby. And suddenly my brother and I ceased to exist. What's worse, we ceased to exist to my father as well. At least until...

Stepmother #2 - Sheila. Who called to tell me every time my father hit the sauce. I was 17 and didn't give a damn what he did. Told her if she called me again I'd file a complaint against her. I was sick of hearing it and, really, what did she expect me to do about it??? Dad disappeared again until....

Stepmother #3 - Liz. His current wife. She is him in a dress. I was on speaking terms with my father for a while (until he blew off my son on his birthday.) and whenever I'd get her on the phone, she'd be all "We love you." and I'm thinking "Lady, you don't even KNOW me."

Ugh. I tried to like them. Really. But it was just wrong place, wrong time, wrong circumstances... I think it's a fine line and a tough one to walk. I don't envy anyone just starting out there, and I totally envy those who make it work and make it look so easy...

Queen of Swords said:

1. He started dating two months after my mother's long, painful death from cancer. I was living with him, since I'd been taking care of her, and I still missed my mom so much. His friends and family told me to stop grieving and get over it. At the time I thought they were just being insensitive. Later I realized they were trying to get me used to the idea that a new woman would be on the scene very soon.

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This happened to my mother. Her father remarried within a year of his wife/her mom dying of cancer to a woman that came complete with her own family that then shunted his actual children from his view. At his death and she him were estranged and hadn't spoken in decades. I have never met him.

My dad's father did somewhat the same thing although not to such an assholic extent. He and his first wife divorced and his second wife ended up being only a few years older than his oldest daughter/child, again, complete with kids. His intentions were good the first decade of my life but he's just a weak man and bowed to his wife. Now, from what I hear, go to his house and it's only pictures of her children, none of his own and none of his own blood grandchildren. So help me should I ever go over there I will certainly ask about that.

When I was seven my mother married my stepdad and he kept saying, "I'm not *****; I'm your dad now," which is the only thing he ever said that annoyed me. Even at that age, I refused to let anyone tell me what to do or say. But I eventually started calling him dad. Nowadays I call him 'Pa'; that's how his numbers are saved in my mobile phone!

He used to bribe me by buying books. As soon as I started calling him 'dad', the books stopped. Bastard.

Only kidding.

On the other side of this; my own mum and dad got divorced when I was 18. Ours wasn't a loving or close family and our mum was a slapper from the beginning, but you still don't want the family ripped part.
My mum moved in with a man called Joe, he was a very sweet and inoffensive man, he was kind and treated me, even as a grown-up, like one of his own children and I loved him.
A few years later, my dad married a woman from abroad, she was very nice to us too, until they were married, then she was an old cow and made it very plain that only her own daughter counted.

Although I loved my step-dad and wasn't very close to my own dad until after his wife died, i still always wished that our mum and dad had stayed the course, together. No matter how nice a step parent is, the children still want their natural parents to be together, even though we understand why our parents are parted/divorced.

My situation is different from that of my step-siblings. My parents split up when I was an infant and my mom started dating my step-dad when I was 4 or 5, then married when I was 7. His children are 4 & 6 years older than me, and were very bitter about their parents' divorce (he left their mom for mine). My real father never had a role in my life, so I was happy to have a dad, even though to this day I've never called him Dad. My siblings (who I'm very close with) were angry, resentful, bitter, you name it, and took a lot of it out on my mom.

They lived with their mother and stayed with us every other weekend, while I lived with my mom & their dad. He adopted me several years later, I took his last name, and he gave me away at my wedding (despite my biological father being there). There was a lot of tension growing up, but it was all around me and rarely had anything to do with me directly.

Today, we're a normal family. My mom and sister work at the same place, my brother lives in my old apartment in Chicago, and I still call my dad by his first name.

I'm going to interject a rather positive story here - my folks split when I was two, and by the time they both remarried I was in the first grade. Neither of my new step-parents ever insisted on being called "mom" or "dad" but the rules were clear: when in their house, in terms of authority and such, that's the role they had.

And, despite every fairy tale to the contrary, both my step-parents turned out to be wonderful people. My stepmother had kids of her own, older than me, that she brought into the relationship with my father. I was never treated differently than them, and always made to feel as though they were actually my siblings. My stepfather eventually had my sister (technically half-sister) with my mother, but again, always treated me as if I was his own. Even after Mom died, my step-father has continued to be "family" not only to me but to Mom's parents as well.

I think this is less an issue of them being "step" parents and more of an issue of them simply being "parents" to me. Yes, that meant I had two sets, which sometimes was awkward, but by treating me as they did their own kids I was never made to feel an outsider or (alternatively) the "favorite" of my "real" mom and dad.

Maybe I just got lucky, but I like to think this speaks more to the quality of the people involved, and the choices Mom and Dad made when they remarried - which I'm sure included discussions concerning me before hand.

You can never really know how your stepparents feel about you until their spouse (your parent) dies. Mine has suddenly turned from someone I thought was my friend to someone who hates that I exist. I'm trying my damndest to understand that her spewing hatred comes from the fact that her spouse has died, but it would be a lot easier if she understood that I lost someone important, too.

I don't know if this counts, but here goes;

In my former marriage I married a man who had two kids in his former marriage. It was his wish that the kids should be with us the allotted time; i.e. every second weekend and a month a year during vacation and some major holidays throughout the year.

It was hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My ex didn't allow me to have any kind of saying in my own home as to how his kids could, or should, behave. If I tried I got scolded, by him and his kids. The kids also tried every way they could to play me against their mother, their father and the world in general.

No matter what I did I always came out with the short end of the lollipop.

I don't love kids, but I was prepared to respect this specific pair of siblings. Turns out that they didn't appreciate it. They treated me like some kind of illegal, underpaid housemaid. Long story short, they didn't exactly entice me to like kids more.

My sympathies to anyone who has to deal with kids, no matter why. Kids are aliens! They are bullterriers. They have but one purpose; to make your life miserable! Kids are merciless; they take no prisoners and give no mercy. They don't forgive either. Instead they end up blaming you for their shortcomings.

Siddow, I know it's hard on you right now, but your step mum is just angry that the one she loved (your dad) has died and left her all alone. i'm afraid that you, being the nearest one to her loved one, besides her, reminds her of him.
Be kind, I know that you're hurting by her actions etc, but she doesn't really mean to be like that, okay. I hope that you all get it sorted out soon

Siddow said:

You can never really know how your stepparents feel about you until their spouse (your parent) dies. Mine has suddenly turned from someone I thought was my friend to someone who hates that I exist. I'm trying my damndest to understand that her spewing hatred comes from the fact that her spouse has died, but it would be a lot easier if she understood that I lost someone important, too.

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Melisande, you have a kindred spirit here

I noticed that most, if not all, of the responses on this thread are from stepchildren about step-parents. There are two sides to the issue - and having become a stepmother when I married, I know all too well that it is a complicated path to walk no matter which you may be, the step parent or the step child.

In case it wasn't clear from my earlier post, I consider my step-father my father. He's raised me, and just today he was teasing me that I've picked up some of his more obnoxious habits by 'osmosis' (his word). I've only reestablished a relationship with my bio-dad in the past year or so.

I can speak to this from both sides. I've had two step-fathers, one when I was 11 and one when I was grown. I'm still close to the man my mother married when I was grown. The other guy is dead, and while he lived with us if he were on fire, I wouldn't have spit on him to put him out. My mother was married to him for twenty years, and he ran off with her best friend. Some friend...and that's a whole other story.

I was also a step-mother. The boy never lived with us and was a joy to be around. The girl, who eventually moved in with us, was a sleaze (our neighbors used to complain about how she flaunted herself in next to nothing around all the men.) She would not listen to anyone, not even her father. Her father never got over his ex, but I soon got over him!

My children also lived with a stepmother--long, sad story as to why. Suffice it say my ex had money and I didn't. Two of the three children received in-patient psychiatric care, and one of them still has problems. I just now got the woman to talk decently to me at my oldest child's wedding (at age 33.) I don't want to say any more, because the whole situation was very painful.

When I married my husband I was 24. He had 2 children who were 11 and almost 13 at the time (the same age as my youngest sibling - in fact my brother and stepson are just 3 months apart). Anyhow, I was scared to death. I really wasn't that much older then his kids (who did and still live with their mother) and from certain things the kids said, we gathered that their mother must have told them that it was my fault that she and their father weren't getting back together (even though she had left him a decade before I even met him and had been living with another man the whole time). My stepson was wary of me until he saw that I had no intention of getting between him and his father (they are very close), but my stepdaughter was much closer to her mother and so was very hostile towards me. Their visits followed the same pattern. They'd come every other weekend, and for the first hour or two, my stepdaughter would sulk, give me dirty looks, mutter horrible things (loudly enough for me to hear) and then she'd knock it off and was generally sweet for the rest of the visit, until a few hours before she had to leave again. And she was always terrible to me in front of her mother. I can appreciate how hard it must be to try to be loyal to your mother when your father just married someone else, but at the same time, their mother had been with another man for years - but I guess my marriage to their father decisively put an end to any speculation that her parents would get back together. So I tried to understand what she was going through, and honestly, I just tried to stay out of her way. I'd make what overtures I could, but I was pretty young myself - I had no idea what to do.

I always got along well with my stepson, but my stepdaughter persisted in hating me. When she was 15 she came to stay with us for a couple months in the summer. I left for a week to visit my family, and when I came back, I discovered that she had carved "I Hate Elky" (except my real name ) into all of the candles in my bathroom. I overheard her telling her father that he should never have married me, that we were going to be miserable and get divorced (we are still happy 7 years later) and that he shouldn't be having children with me (we have 2 children together now). Her animosity towards me hurt, and I really did try my best with her. But it is really hard, as the stepparent, to come into a situation like this. Despite the fact that my husband and his ex had been apart since the kids were very young (and despite the fact that it was his ex who cheated and left) I was treated by my stepdaughter and her mother like I was the other woman who had broken up the family. I was only 24 so it was incredibly hard to deal with a teenage girl who hated me for reasons I couldn't do anything about. Their mother didn't help either - she refused to leave the kids alone with me and would only drop them off if my husband was home, and from things my stepdaughter said, it was pretty obvious her mother was spewing crap about me at every opportunity. After the candle incident, we asked my husband's niece (who is close to my stepdaughter and gets along with me) why my stepdaughter hates me so much, and she just shrugged her shoulders and said that it was nothing specific, that it really had nothing to do with me, that she would have hated anyone her dad had married.

I never tried to be a mother to them, I always treated them how I imagined I would want to be treated in their position, I stayed out of the way when it came to parenting (they already had two parents) unless it was something that affected my home or children when I had my own, my parents and siblings have always treated them like grandchildren and nieces and nephews, my mother proudly claims to have a now 18 year old granddaughter (and doesn't she look great for having a granddaughter that old!) and I always made sure they knew they knew that I cared for them, and I really do love them like my own (now that my stepdaughter is older we get along much better, although I'm still a bit uncomfortable around her because I'm never sure how she feels about me).

Anyhow, I probably could have done things differently, or better, but really, for a young new wife (who moved a thousand miles from all my friends and family when I married so I was pretty lost anyways) I was terrified to be faced with 2 kids who I knew must hate me - and sometimes it seemed like nothing I did was right. Luckily we all get along okay now, and like I said, my stepson and I have always done okay. But you can still tell the difference in attitudes. My stepson's girlfriend will talk to me and play with my children. My stepdaughter's boyfriend refuses to even look at me unless he has to and then it is with such an ugly look I'd rather just hide than have to deal with him. My stepson comes to visit as often as he can (we live about 3 hours from them now) but my stepdaughter very rarely comes up. I'm sure my stepdaughter has issues with me that I know nothing about, and I wish we could be closer, but at the same time, I have tried for years to get along with her and at this point we are what we are and I just don't know what else to do. And frankly, I'm tired of being hated just because I married the man I loved.

And here I am trying to write (a rather humourous side) about being a step mum. Or should I say, being the "new wife."
My problems have come from my hubbys ex because she wasn't ready for him to move on with his life after she had an affair. Her behaviour has been appauling, especially as my step daughter and I had a pretty good relationship to start with. The ex told me to my face I have and will never have anything to do with her daughter. Hard, because her daughter comes to our home every weekend. My stap daughter's behaviour towards me, has stemmed from her own mothers constant control and threats if my husband doesn't conform, he won't see his daughter.
I have had to take a massive stap back to enable them to have a relationship, but I don't even know if this is the right thing to do.
Blended families? No chance, if one party is happy to blend her child with her new man, but won't allow her daughterto blend with her ex husband's new wife.


You can always get research from step parenting forums. www.babycentre.co.uk
www.parentscentre.gov.uk www.mothering.com
Have a look through the forum index and you'll find plenty of info. Mostly bad I'm afraid

Why do you even put up with this? The house is yours as well as your husband's. You obviously won't put your foot down with his brat of a daughter, but you should definitely tell her boyfriend, that if he cannot treat you with the respect you deserve, in your OWN house, to get out and wait on the doostep for her.
I personally would never put up with this; to be honest, I would tell him to f-off out of my house and wouldn't be civil towards him at all. And why doesn't your husband say something too?

elknutswife said:

My stepson's girlfriend will talk to me and play with my children. My stepdaughter's boyfriend refuses to even look at me unless he has to and then it is with such an ugly look I'd rather just hide than have to deal with him.

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