Passion and Guilt

I'm the type of person that, when something's on my mind, if I can talk it out, I feel better. I hope it's okay that I talk it out in here. Other people's input would be helpful.

I have one request, if you reply to this thread. Be honest.

I love to write. I really do. It's not exaggerating to say it's a passion of mine. It energizes me. I look forward to it, even the redundant, painful parts. I love the whole process!

That said, I hate Corporate America. I know hate is a strong word, but I hate it. The political correctness (which is incredibly hypocritical in itself), office politics, gossip, fake smiles and attitudes, red tape, scrutiny, etc., I hate all of it. It's exhausting and unfulfilling.

Before I get into where the guilt comes in, I want to say one more thing. I don't come to work with a bad attitude. Quite the contrary. God's love for people has rubbed off on me. I care about those around me, even the ones I dislike. I have a positive attitude and am so grateful for my job. I never complain about Monday mornings because I remember times when I wished I had a Monday morning to go to! My actual job is not unbearable. I just don't enjoy it and I don't like having my time, including lunches and breaks, controlled by others.

More than anything else, I love the Lord with all my being. My highest goal is to complete the work He's given me to do during my time on this earth. I don't desire much in the way of earthly things. I love living simply and am content for the most part. I don't mind trials and troubles because I see God in them, even during them. I have a close relationship with Him and that will always mean more than anything else.

Now, the guilt. I want out of Corporate America and I want to make a living from my writing -- fiction and freelancing. Ultimately through my novels. I really want this. My only dream for my life on this earth is to move away from the big city and live in a small log cabin somewhere in rural America, like Montana. I want to leave the 9 to 5 world behind for good.

I understand and accept that I may never get published. I have no qualms with that. If my novels never get published, I can live with that. I can still make a living from freelancing. This is something that I've sought God about but have never heard back from Him whether or not my plan is okay to pursue. I feel guilty for wanting this for myself. I know, and accept, that ultimately, all that matters is what we do to further His kingdom. If God asked me to put writing aside and move to Kansas City and pick up lint off of office floors for a living, I wouldn't hesitate! He is my priority.

But I also know that he gave us hearts and minds and imaginations and dreams, all for a reason. We're meant to do something with them, even if it's just to trust Him with them. I do know it's okay to have a dream. He's a loving Father that created the earth for us to enjoy. All good things come from Him and what's He going to do with it, if not share it all with His children? I'm not asking to be a millionaire. I want to be able to earn enough from my writing so as to not have to work in the 9 to 5 world and still be able to pay my bills and have a bit put away for vacations, emergencies, giving, etc.

But I still feel guilty. Guilty for wanting to leave the 9 to 5 world permanently and make a living doing something that I love. I feel guilty because I know that, in the long run, this isn't important. Yet, I'm conflicted. I feel incredibly selfish and I hate that because I don't mean to be. I feel guilty in that I believe our time left on this earth is so short and I'm thinking about where I want to live and what I want to do for a living.

I've given my dreams to Him to do with as He pleases. If they never happen, I really am fine with it! I can say that honestly. I just wish I knew if I should be spending energies in this pursuit. If I knew the answer was 'no,' I could live with it and move on. But the not knowing is incredibly hard. I don't want to pursue this only to find out that it's not in God's plan for me. But, how can it not when I have such a fire for it? Argh! See why I'm confused? God's not the Author of confusion, so I need an outside point of view on this from real brothers and sisters in Christ. I'll shut up now.

There are just too many hands, regarding my situation, for me to even think clearly on the subject.

On one hand, I can see God working through me on this job, like callalily said, I see His love pouring out to people who are hurting or stressed. My heart is for Christians who aren't living out their faith. Those who think they're living for Christ when they're words and actions say otherwise. My heart is for the weary, the hurting, the backslidden, and the luke warm. I see God using me in these people's lives. (Target audience, like Meerkat said?)

On the other hand, the 9 to 5 corporate world of political correctness, red tape and office politics is soul killing. It's agonizing to me.

On another hand, I want to do what God wants me to do -- no matter what that is.

On another hand, with the passion that I have for writing, how can that not be part of His plan for me?

On another hand, my personal desire is to live in a log cabin in the open space, with a garden, making a living from my writing.

On another hand, I'm willing to sacrifice owning a home, or even having my dream, because I would desire even more to please Him. I can wait for Eternity for the home He designed for me.

So many hands...

I guess it really comes down to desires. God's vs. Mine. I know God wants us to enjoy our time on earth and that wanting what I want is not wrong. But, the key is, is that what God wants for me?

Kev, you mentioned Psalm 37, about God giving us the desires of our heart when we delight in Him. I've always believed that when we truly delight in Him, His desires become our desires. And I'm there. I want what He wants, but I didn't expect to have my desires still hanging on.

III, you recommended being a park ranger. Not a bad idea actually. I certainly wouldn't mind it. Can you become one at 41?! LOL I'm willing to stick out Corporate America, if that's God's will for me, but I can't imagine this being His will. It doesn't mesh with how He's worked in the rest of my life. Then again, the dichotomy -- am I just trying to rationalize and justify my desire to get out?

I'll be out of debt completely before too long. At that point, there's no going back. Moving back to the US from Ireland, my suitcase was stolen and it had all my money in it. I started life over with $20 to my name and went into debt. Never, ever again.

In the meantime, the only thing I know to do is this: I'm here right now, so be here. Remain available to be used so I don't waste opportunities to encourage people by planting or watering. Stay close to Him in prayer, trusting Him with my dreams. He cares about the things that concern us so He hasn't forgotten or gotten distracted. And keep praising Him, giving thanks, even for the bad days; because if it weren't for Him, I wouldn't have had a day at all. I'm just not content and that bothers me.

KCpotatohead said:

I can understand your dilemma. I am in a Job and a country that i hate & loathe (Yes hate and loathe!!) and get extremely stressed out. Yeah I can quote you scriptures about how we should have joy etc, but the fact is that it really gets to me.

I am currently teaching English in Taiwan (just in case you didn't know!) and I get a load of abuse and crap of the teenagers in class. Yet outside of the class they talk to me as though I am their best buddy. Go figure!

I too love writing and I am very passionate about it. I do not feel guiltly at all about wanting to get out of this job into writing or kid's ministry full time or happliy do both! This week I have been accepted as a writer where I can write articles sharing the love and transforming power of God that will hopefully touch many lives out there. This same week I was rejected for a Kid's pastor job back in the UK.

I am at the stage were I am fairly desperate to get out of Taiwan. I have been here for nearly 10 years without a good break - just a few weeks at a time. Now here is something: Even the business world recognizes that Taiwan is a stressful place to live and work. They say it is the 3rd most stressful place in the WORLD!! I have been stressed for a couple of years now BUT God still has not opened up the door for me to go Back to the UK. However I do feel that early next year God will open that door for me.

I try not to let people or my self make me feel guilty about 1) going back to the UK & 2) wanting to write. BTW i still do and will write stuff that is "Not Christian" per se. Guilt is a HEAVY TASKMASTER to be under.

Also don't forget that "Those who delight in the Lord HE grants or give them the desires of their hearts." Your desire is to write then: Delight your self in the Lord and HE will give your heart's desire. It is not a sin to be a writer and i know that what you will write will have God's hallmark on it anyway. So don't get "get your knickers in a twist" as we say in the UK. That means "don't stress it, too much. In fact we shouldn't stress it at all but we are weak humans who need to be constantly reminded of His great love for us. (If you are like me that is and I am sure I am not the only one like this!!!!!)

You have given this to God so let Him take care of it and you. Try to relax and not get so stressed out about it. Work for God in your job until he opens a door for you to move out of that job into what He has for you next, OK.

Great, glad we got that sorted!

With God's Love and also as a comrade in arms.

Kevvers

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Kev,

I don't want to gloss over your post, because I can understand your position. I used to teach English as a foreign language, too. I chose where I wanted to go and, even though I fully enjoyed every place I moved to, the job wasn't always easy. No one certainly ever got rich from doing it, that's for sure.

You're pretty strong to have taken a position in Taiwan. I doubt I could have had the fortitude to go there. I admire you for that. I know it's not easy, there. If there's anything I can do to help in any way, don't hesitate to let me know. Even if you just need to vent. And know that you will be kept in prayer. I mean that. I've always been content with wherever I've been led, until now. It's not easy, so I know how to pray for you here.

Perhaps the phrase, I'm not content is better than I feel guilty, to describe where I'm at. I don't feel guilty for wanting to be a writer and to make a living from it. I feel guilty for wanting to be a writer at all. This earth is not my home and I have a job to do for the Father. Who am I to want anything? All of my wants are fulfilled in Him already! Therein lies the guilt or discontent.

The only reason I find this situation stressful is because my passion for my dream is very strong -- but so is the hatred I have for Corporate America.

Roger J Carlson said:

It might be good to re-read the Book of Jonah. Perhaps Corporate America is your Nineveh.

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I know we're not supposed to have weapons at work, but I bring my Bible anyway.

I just read all four chapters of Jonah. Are you trying to tell me that I should go throughout Minneapolis saying, "Forty days from now Minneapolis will be destroyed!"? LOL

I can relate to Jonah with not wanting to be here, that's for sure. The difference, though, is that Jonah didn't have another option that he was hoping for instead of going to Ninevah. God knows I'll stay in Minneapolis, in Corporate America, if it's what He wants for me. It's just hard to think that my passion for writing and moving to the country can be so strong if I'm not meant to do something about it. I'm not saying that's 100% right, but I'm trying to see all of this based on past experiences of how God has operated in my life. Maybe that's the problem? Maybe I need to rest in this, knowing that God's in control. Just because He's moved one way in the past doesn't mean He'll continue to operate that way in my life? Maybe this is an opportunity to move into a higher area of trust and not box God in with the way He's doing it?

Am I making any sense?

WriterGirl2007 said:

Very interesting thread!

Hmm... A couple things I've learned in my walk. First, guilt that's from God is the type that brings about repentance from sins and a changed life. Guilt that is NOT from God is the type that turns into worry, the type that consumes you and can even cause you to be inactive.

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Exactly. I couldn't tell if it was guilt or confusion but in either case, God is not the Author of it. That's why this is so puzzling to me.

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much trying to figure out which way is God's. If it's His will for you to do freelancing full time, He'll make a way for it. And really, it doesn't have to be a selfish endeavor AT ALL, just because it's something you want to do. Freelancing can, in some cases, give you more time to witness to people. Or part of your work as a freelancer - or a novelist - can involve witnessing. Just because you leave the corporate world doesn't mean you'll leave working for God.

I've learned something else... So many times I've fretted over decisions, only to learn there was no reason to fret. I'd go in one direction, thinking/knowing I was following God's will, and find the door slammed shut a little ways down. So why did I fret about the decision all? It didn't help anything. (I still fret & get annoyed about the slammed doors, but that's another story...)

I've also learned that it is TOUGH (tougher than we think) to read God or figure out which way is the path He wants us to go. Even circumstances don't always show us. All I can offer is to serve God in whichever profession you choose.

And one more thing... (Ya, my post is getting long!) I know what's it like to be in a terribly stressful work environment, or even just in one that you don't like at all. It can really seep into the rest of your life. I also know what it's like to be a freelancer and lose a job you were depending on/excited about. Both choices have pros and cons. Just because you choose to freelance doesn't mean you'll always be able to do it (just speaking from experience.) But if you have a heart for it, and if God grants you the means, you might as well try it! You can certainly serve Him there too.

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He knows I'll serve Him in whatever I do but I just want to make sure that I don't leave where He has me and wants me for something else that's more appealing to me. I just don't want to step out of His will.

Meerkat said:

I think these two things are related. On the one (of many) hand, it would be great if we did not need each other to the extent that we do...which causes others to trespass into our agendas. On the other hand, when things "go south quickly" as we used to say in the army, such as when your suitcase and money were stolen, all is not lost, precisely because there are others. This second experience of your quote above is both the most frightening and dreadful of times, but also the most humbling, the most memorable, and the most defining of times. Because of others.

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You have a point there. I'm not proud of how I solved my problems with a credit card when I was robbed coming back to the states. I wasn't in debt before that. I didn't doubt God or panic before that, either. I clearly handled it in my own way. I know better than that! I remember that the situation seemed so urgent at the time because I was already packed and at the airport, about to buy my ticket when I noticed the suitcase was missing. At that moment, I felt pressured to make an instant decision. That's where I went wrong. God is never in a hurry and His timing is always best.

I'll keep this in mind during my time with God and seeing how He moves now. Thanks, Meerkat.

KCpotatohead said:

Keith

Someone told me this true account.

A man got up and began to question what he should do that day. He earnestly prayed something like the following:

"Dear God,
I want to know what is your will for me today. It is a beautiful day and I could go out and do some gardening. Or i could stay indoors and study the Bible. I need to go shopping so perhaps I should do that. What about Bob, he is really down at the moment and could do with some encouragement. Should I go and see him? Then again I do need to finish off that painting that I statred last week. Oh God there are too many things WHAT do you want me to do? Amen."

He felt God reply like this:

God: "I really don't care what you do as long as you spend the time doing it with me."

AND that my Bro is the bottom line. Sometimes God really doesn't care exactly what we do as long as we are doing it WITH HIM.

We can make things really complicated when we just need to simplify our lives.

Kevvers

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I've heard similar accounts where the signature line goes something like, "I don't care what you do, just do something!"

The more I read from everyone here, listen to the Spirit, and think about it, it seems to come down to my being afraid I'm going to step out of His will. It's not about which job I have or where I live. That's just geography.

It's about my falling so in love with Him that I'm becoming afraid of disappointing Him. That sounds fine but there's a fine line between that and legalism. It's the legalism that produces guilt and confusion.

What I need to do is take this weekend to crawl into His lap and stay there.

Theognome said:

You are exactly where God wants you to be.

This statement has little to do with your job and location, but with your struggle. Therefore, keep praying. The Lord will answer you, and He will do so through whatever medium He chooses. If you heart is leaning in a particular direction, wait upon Him to provide the avenue. There are many things I desire, and through the best and most honorable intentions. But that does not make them the right thing for me. I have proof of what the Lord wants of my service- He has put me where He wants me to serve.

Theognome

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Thanks Theo, I appreciate the encouragement.