paprikapink
03-01-2005, 11:52 PM
My children so love my story of the little bear's first day out of the cave that I tried writing it up. I have to admit that I like it too. In my telling, although it's about a baby bear, the vocabulary is pretty sophisticated. If it's a story intended to be read, can the language still be fairly grown up? I mean, if I want to try to sell this. I know it works for my kids, but they are hardly a large demographic. I'm not explaining my concern very well. Here's an excerpt -- tell me, should I just get back to essays about embittered career gals?
-pkpk
Mud. Her foot sunk into the soft wet earth outside the cave. She looked at her front foot, mud oozing between her claws. Her rear left foot hung in mid-air, abandoned. She tottered a bit, trying to move her toes in the mud, not remembering she still needed to set her back foot down. Suddenly, after a moment of suspended wobbling, she stamped all of her feet down and did the new-born bear version of a jig. She didn’t know that was what she was doing, it just happened.
She threw back her head and gazed up at the sky. Enormous white puffs sailed slowly by. Enormous. She wondered if she should hide, but Mom and Dad were nuzzling around without concern, so she just continued staring. Behind the puffs was a solid sheet of blue. Yungin had never seen blue before. Now she saw it next to the snow and the clouds and she took a deep breath. She loved that blue with all her heart.
-pkpk
Mud. Her foot sunk into the soft wet earth outside the cave. She looked at her front foot, mud oozing between her claws. Her rear left foot hung in mid-air, abandoned. She tottered a bit, trying to move her toes in the mud, not remembering she still needed to set her back foot down. Suddenly, after a moment of suspended wobbling, she stamped all of her feet down and did the new-born bear version of a jig. She didn’t know that was what she was doing, it just happened.
She threw back her head and gazed up at the sky. Enormous white puffs sailed slowly by. Enormous. She wondered if she should hide, but Mom and Dad were nuzzling around without concern, so she just continued staring. Behind the puffs was a solid sheet of blue. Yungin had never seen blue before. Now she saw it next to the snow and the clouds and she took a deep breath. She loved that blue with all her heart.