Is this grammatically correct?

TheAugustKid · Dec 3, 2007

I glanced around and spotted a gigantic bomb outlined in the stucco ceiling. I pictured it as big as the Hindenburg, sunk into its own crater in a field. It sported a magnificent red bow and its iron belly shined in the sunlight. We would stand together in front of it, gazing straight up to see it in its entirety. She'd start to tear up realizing it was a gift to her and I'd say, "the best way to own the world is havings the means to destroy it." After that, she couldn't help but kiss me forever.

Does anything sound weird or awkward? Punctuation good? Sentence structure. What do you think?

jannawrites · Dec 3, 2007

Yes, your grammar and such look great. I'd change sunk to sunken, though. What I notice most is that he's looking up (as if in real time) then suddenly he's picturing what will happen next, in a vision of sorts. Right? Make sure you clarify that he's merely imagining what her reaction will be once she's in the room with him. At this point your tense isn't consistent... I thought she was already right there with him until halfway through.

Does my jibberish make sense?

jannawrites · Dec 3, 2007

TheAugustKid said:
...gazing straight up to see ~~it in~~ its entirety...

Oh! I'd remove the above, too. Those words are just filler here.

girlyswot · Dec 3, 2007

TheAugustKid said:
I glanced around and spotted a gigantic bomb outlined in the stucco ceiling. I pictured it as big as the Hindenburg, sunk into its own crater in a field. It sported a magnificent red bow and its iron belly shined should be 'shone' in the sunlight. We would stand together in front of it, gazing straight up to see it in its entirety. She'd start to tear up I'd put a comma here realizing it was a gift to her and I'd say, "the Start speech with a capital letter best way to own the world is havings the means to destroy it." After that, she couldn't help but kiss me forever.

Does anything sound weird or awkward? Punctuation good? Sentence structure. What do you think?

Hope that helps. The whole thing sounds weird, but that's a matter of content not grammar or syntax!

benbradley · Dec 3, 2007

girlyswot said:
Hope that helps. The whole thing sounds weird, but that's a matter of content not grammar or syntax!

It doesn't seem so weird to me (I hope that's not too revealing of my nerdiness!). I might even add "I would have got you the Moon, but I had no way to get the bomb up to it."

TheAugustKid · Dec 3, 2007

Thank you everybody for all the help : )

IceCreamEmpress · Dec 3, 2007

I don't understand "outlined" here. Is this an illustration painted on the ceiling? Or is it an actual bomb sunk partway into the ceiling? A bas-relief on the ceiling?

Obviously, the context illustrates that, but "outlined" would only be apropos to some of those options.

girlyswot · Dec 3, 2007

In case it's not clear, the 's' on the end of 'havings' should be deleted. I crossed it out in my earlier post, but you can't really see it.

TheAugustKid · Dec 3, 2007

well if the whole story was on here it would be clear that they are looking at constellation formations in the ceiling crust. But I dont expect you to know that. And where did have the word "havings"?

girlyswot · Dec 3, 2007

"the best way to own the world is havings the means to destroy it." After that, she couldn't help but kiss me forever.

TheAugustKid · Dec 3, 2007

lol I didn't see that until I already uploaded the newest version of the story. Then I had to go redo it. Thanks you guys : )

maestrowork · Dec 3, 2007

She'd start to tear up, realizing it was a gift to her; and I'd say, "The best way to own the world is havings the means to destroy it." After that, she couldn't help but kiss me forever.

Is this grammatically correct?

TheAugustKid

jannawrites

no, really

jannawrites

no, really

girlyswot

benbradley

It's a doggy dog world

TheAugustKid

IceCreamEmpress

Hapless Virago

girlyswot

TheAugustKid

girlyswot

TheAugustKid

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray