Quick poll: Which "hook" is better?

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coryscalhoun

Hello all..newbie Cory here.

I've got my proposal going nicely, but I'm also working on the ever-important query letter. So, here's a little informal poll.


Which first paragraph is "hookier," in everyone's opinion? (Don't worry, I'll revise/shorten and make my own decision; just looking for first-blush reactions.)

A.

Using the anagramming skills that helped him create “the world’s all-time best anagram” (Sydney Morning Herald, 1999) while incorporating astounding facts and trivia, anagrammist Cory Calhoun turns 222 phrases from pop culture, history, sports and literature into original, revealing words of truth -- “American Idol” turns out “a real dim icon,” “The Sopranos” reveal they “shot a person,“ and “the Ipod by Apple” is both “blithe dopey pap” and a “peppy, doable hit.“ The “Desperate Housewives” proclaim “Oh see? We’re upset divas!” while “Budweiser” warns that “Beer + us = DWI.”

OR


B.

Did you know that “Budweiser” anagrams into “Beer + us = DWI”? “The iPod by Apple“ is both “blithe dopey pap“ and a “peppy doable hit.” “Desperate Housewives” proclaim: “Oh, see? We’re upset divas!” “American Idol” turns out “a real dim icon,” while “The Sopranos” reveal they “shot a person.” Using the anagramming skills that helped him create “the world’s all-time best anagram” (Sydney Morning Herald, 1999) while incorporating astounding facts and trivia, anagrammist Cory Calhoun turns 222 phrases from pop culture, history, sports and literature into original, revealing words of truth.



Thanks, everyone!
Cory Scott Calhoun
aka
Troy Hocton-Luccas
aka
Ray "Scotch" Coulton
 
Lauri B

Lauri B

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I like B way better. A is great if you're trying to pitch an article about you, but B focuses more on the work you're selling.
 

Unique

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I prefer B. It asks a question to make me think and it draws me further into the paragraph.

Some want to be told right up front; I prefer to think for myself so I picked B.
 

LIVIN

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At first, I liked A better. When I got to B, I wasn't as interested. Did not like the "Did you know" beginning of B. Now, at first, I thought Cory Callhoun was the main character, which probably helped me like A better. That not being the case, things would probably be different. B makes more sense knowing Cory is the author not the character, but I can't get past B's beginning line. Wasn't a fan of the IPOD anagrams. Also, I wasn't paying attention to what section I was in and didn't know exactly what you were pitching.
 
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