Laughs for the romance readers (and writers)

dolores haze · Nov 14, 2007

I've been laughing my booty off at this thread from All About Romance entitled "Five Reasons I Will Never Be a Romance Heroine." Enjoy.

http://aarboards.com/viewtopic.php?t=1995&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

aliajohnson · Nov 14, 2007

I was just gonna take a quick looksie, and ended up reading it all. Now I've used up all of my allotted "play on the computer" time for the day. Worth it though. Thanks Dolores!

kristie911 · Nov 14, 2007

:classic:

I know I'll never be a romance novel heroine...but I never thought about why before.

Chumplet · Nov 14, 2007

That was great. I'm not joining yet another forum - yet, but I'll post my answer here because you're all my brothers and sisters:

I will never be a romantic heroine because

1. I snore.
2. I fart.
3. I belch.
4. I have a poorly controlled unibrow.
5. If I'm stuck on a desert island with a hot hero, he'd better pack lots of medium golden brown hair colour because my roots go white every two weeks.

dolores haze · Nov 14, 2007

Chumplet - you've inspired me to give it a try.
I could never be a romance heroine because

1) I have an IQ larger than my bra size.
2) My clothes don't suddenly fall off my body whenever a strong wind is blowing.
3) The last alpha male I had sniffing around my skirts got hit over the head with a 2 by 4.
4) If I got knocked up by a Greek millionaire I wouldn't be keeping it a secret. My attorney would ensure I took him for every penny I could get.
5) I'm more impressed by the size of a man's brain than his...well...you know.

Khazarkhum · Nov 14, 2007

My fave of all the reasons?

"If I could shapeshift, it'd be to a size 8 and not something with fur & claws."

I agree with Dolores...brains first. Everything else is a bonus.

Marian Perera · Nov 15, 2007

I could never be a romance heroine because

1. If a man wanted unprotected sex I'd say certainly, after we were both tested for STDs and he'd had a successful vasectomy.

2. I'm originally from Sri Lanka. When was the last time you saw a South Asian in a romance novel?

3. I like having time to myself - time where I write, research and surf the web. The hero will have to find something to occupy himself during such times. Housework is recommended.

4. If a mysterious event occurred and I had to investigate it, I'd do so in a rational scientific way. I'd need evidence that aliens, psychic powers, werewolves, etc. existed before I even considered attributing the event to them.

5. I might be 5'1", but I won't think it's the height of sweetness to be addressed as "little girl" or "little one".

Voyager · Nov 15, 2007

1. I've never owned a gown that perfectly matched the color of my eyes
2. Hard as I've tried, I've never been able to squeeze out just one single tear
3. There weren't a lot of Mexicans around in Regency England
4. I'm anemic, so the broody vampire dude drinking my blood just to the point of draining me completely in order to save himself would put me to sleep for the duration of the plot
5. The only 'dimpled loveliness' on my body is the cellulite on my butt.

Voyager · Nov 15, 2007

mollyluna said:
1. My kids come first, sex and husband later

How'd you manage that? Are you telling us that the angels and not MR. Mollyluna is the baby daddy? Now THAT's a romance plot.

dolores haze · Nov 15, 2007

Voyager said:
How'd you manage that? Are you telling us that the angels and not MR. Mollyluna is the baby daddy? Now THAT's a romance plot.

Come on now, Voyager. All us romance readers know that alpha males can impregnate us poor little women with just one glance of his cold, dark eyes. Yeesh. Read a couple a thousand more romance novels will ye?

Voyager · Nov 15, 2007

LOL, NOBODY BETTER NOT LOOK AT MEH!

dolores haze · Nov 15, 2007

In honor of Queen of Swords and Voyager I hereby announce that my next romance heroine will be half Sri Lankan/half Mexican. That's gonna be one hell of a backstory for that gal! I need a visual. Off to do some research.

Good luck with the Golden Heart, Mollyluna.

Voyager · Nov 15, 2007

I wonder how my life would pan out as a romance plot. Loverly young girl rises up from the ghetto after giving birth at fifteen to get away from schizophrenic mother and 6 psychotic siblings...

mollyluna said:
I think I saw that plot in a movie. Didn't it star Meg Tilly? lol.

I entered a novel in the Golden Heart. The hero is 40, the heroine is 40, and she's a widow with 12 year-old and 14 year-old home-schooled daughters. They meet, fall in love, and along the way encounter serious topics like vasectomy, complications from childbirth, pregnancy, jealousy (not infidelity), a near fatal car accident, and the need to sometimes just be alone. She wear's a size 10, not a 3, and $2.50 flip-flops she bought from Old Navy. I'm thinking I've got a snowball's chance in h*ll of finalling.

Voyager · Nov 15, 2007

Just don't ask for a pic of my dimpled loveliness

dolores haze said:
In honor of Queen of Swords and Voyager I hereby announce that my next romance heroine will be half Sri Lankan/half Mexican. That's gonna be one hell of a backstory for that gal! I need a visual. Off to do some research.

Good luck with the Golden Heart, Mollyluna.

Marian Perera · Nov 15, 2007

Yay! A brown heroine (who also likes spicy food, I hope?). That I have to read.

dolores haze · Nov 15, 2007

Ha - she will like her men spicy, too!

dolores haze · Nov 15, 2007

Voyager said:
I wonder how my life would pan out as a romance plot. Loverly young girl rises up from the ghetto after giving birth at fifteen to get away from schizophrenic mother and 6 psychotic siblings...

Holy crap, Voyager, that could be "Forever Amber" for the 21st century.

Voyager · Nov 15, 2007

mmmmm, spicy men. Oh Dolores, I always thought it would make a cool country and western song, lol.

kristie911 · Nov 15, 2007

1. I'm not a size 2, I'm not willowy. I'm a muscular, strong size 12. I can kick the ass of your alpha male if I so choose...I might have to kick him in the balls, but I'm not afraid to.

2. I wear glasses...and like wearing them.

3. My hair is curly on a good day and frizzy if it's hot, humid, cold, not humid, or windy.

4. I have brown hair...it's not beautifully and naturally highlighted, it's just brown. Plain old medium brown...with a fair amount of gray that I rarely bother to color.

5. I'm taller than most men. (Why is it when they describe a "tall" heroine...she's still only freakin' 5'7"?")

shakeysix · Nov 15, 2007

it ain't me babe

#1: i am old.

#2: i am mean.

#3. i wear chuck taylors 24/7. even have a black pair for funerals.

#4. i smoked so much herbage in the 60's that my brain is like swiss cheese.

#5: even with a swiss cheese brain i have managed to squirrel away enough $ that i will never have to be male dependent.

Khazarkhum · Nov 16, 2007

#1. Sweat is disgusting & gross.

#2. Werewolves probably have fleas and should need rabies shots. And heartworm. Can't forget that.

#3. Shaved body parts = stubble. At the wrong time & in the wrong places.

#4. I'm allergic to virtually all plantlife, so a roll in the grass is out. So is burying the bed in flower petals. And I promise you that you do NOT want hives there.

#5. I'm not a doctor, DA, journalist, firefighter or cop. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express.

dolores haze · Nov 16, 2007

kristie911 said:
1. I'm not a size 2, I'm not willowy. I'm a muscular, strong size 12. I can kick the ass of your alpha male if I so choose...I might have to kick him in the balls, but I'm not afraid to.

2. I wear glasses...and like wearing them.

3. My hair is curly on a good day and frizzy if it's hot, humid, cold, not humid, or windy.

4. I have brown hair...it's not beautifully and naturally highlighted, it's just brown. Plain old medium brown...with a fair amount of gray that I rarely bother to color.

5. I'm taller than most men. (Why is it when they describe a "tall" heroine...she's still only freakin' 5'7"?")

Hmmm - I dunno, Kristie, sounds to me like you'd make a pretty good kick ass romance heroine - the type that rousts those nasty vampires from the community.

aliajohnson · Nov 16, 2007

dolores haze said:
Hmmm - I dunno, Kristie, sounds to me like you'd make a pretty good kick ass romance heroine - the type that rousts those nasty vampires from the community.

That's what I was gonna say. You'd rock as a vampire hunter, Kristie.

Actually, there's quite a few tall (over 5'7--that's not tall even by my standards and I'm only 5'3) strong heroines in contemporary romances. Where we need more of them is in the historicals--definitely.

Of course, if someone felt like writing about a really curvy, vertically challenged, short-waisted heroine, that'd be okay with me too. :tongue

Marian Perera · Nov 17, 2007

mollyluna said:
If you ever watch Criminal Minds, Garcia (large white blonde chick) teases Morgan (brown hunk) all the time

Sounds interesting! Alas, I have no television. I watch clips of shows on YouTube instead.

shakeysix · Nov 17, 2007

fafnar

my sister is a romance addict. i don't read the grocery store stuff myself but she will. over the years we have made up a hero named fafnar. he is flaxen haired and forceful but he has his foibles and follies. whenever we are feeling giddy we revive old fafnar and the novel we are writing about him :fafnar flaunted his flagon with fierce, flagrant, finesse. fafnar has a cousin named fyllmar. fyllmar is a fop. but his foppery is only a fiction, a fiendish front. wexla is a witty wench. brylhooda is buxom but boyish. vaunta is virginal, virtuous and a visigoth. this has been going on for thirty years--s6 oh, and then there is thorvald. everything he owns throbs!

Laughs for the romance readers (and writers)

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