Holy hell I killed a werewhale!

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Wintermule

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Post particularly bad excerpts from old novels of yours. Man, this is gold...the first novel I ever wrote. I was thirteen. There has to be a thousand damn awesome ideas in that kitchen-sink mess.

“Not to mention that you take pleasure in condemning innocent children to the Dolph Hell, despite their religious upbringing and the fact they were destined for the more pleasant afterlife,” Alucius growled, vengeful fires burning beneath this eyes, mixing with the lava underneath the volcanic glass they were made of to cast an even redder glow. “It’s more that you’re just a satanic bastard that opens the Gates of Suffering than the Pure being as corrupt as you say. You think they have no right to abandon you? I’ve personally witnessed you eating a recently baptized baby and drink down a cauldron of holy water while doing so just to spite the Pure!”


QUOTE
Lazarus raised a hand. “Return to your birthplace, the repellent Dark Beach of your brethren, and do not return until you are summoned. Do this or perish into the nothingness of being shunned by all deities both Pure and Tainted. Do you accept your ultimatum?”

With a forlorn howl, the small Demetrius leapt forward, attempting to annihilate the one who attempted to throw him back into a place he had willingly left. A pinwheel of fire sliced the Dolph down the middle. Both halves fell to either side, dematerializing into ash.



A grinding alerted him to some new terror, more ravenous than the birds of prey biding their time until their next feast. Survival instinct kicked in when he saw the fountain of blood had expanded rapidly until the fluid began to peculiarly sluice about his feet.

From it came a monster, spilling out like the pyroclastic flow of a volcano spewing out its insides much like Ben had shortly after eating the snow, the thin fluid raining down around it. Fur rippled its massive body that rivaled the proportions of the being Accountant had morphed into.

“That can’t be a…what, werewhale?” Ben asked with a sadistic smile, enjoying the incredulous aspect. “Hope I don’t meet any wereflowers anytime soon, or a werepenguin.”

A rubicund tsunami advanced. Once it reached him, Ben floated for a brief period of time before being forced under. He fell to the ground sputtering after it passed, taking no heed of Alucius’ refusal to budge.

He saw his skin had been dyed red by the tidal wave, but he was past caring; staring into the feral eyes of the whale, he saw how the formerly free being had been stripped of its soul, its eyes glazed and opiate.

Those stoic eyes fell upon him, and the monster flung itself at the speck of a human below it. Its maw gaped in a famished manner, and as it prepared itself for the meager meal, it was confused when a beam of twisting light crashed into the protection runes its maker had left on it. The barrier around it glowed with an iridescent sheen before cooling off and reverting back to a strange color.

“Accountant left this behind,” someone said. Ben turned to see Alucius, the man’s arm raised to the heavens and the ground around him cracked from the powerful jolt of the artificial antimatter blast. “Must have protected it against my power, though antimatter usually decimates all matter. Curious.”

Alucius attempted to circle the werewhale, but he couldn’t find any weakness for him to strike; the defenses had been placed impeccably. Ben saw it had lured it away from him though it may not have been intentional.

The whale slammed down at where Alucius had been an instant before, content that it had taken care of the monster. Ben saw the armored man spinning through the air, landing on the side of his assailant and grabbing a handful of the barnacle-covered fur that sprouted from its thick hide. He pulled himself onto the top of the whale, pausing for balance as the whale reared up.

He snuck unnoticed, slowly making his way along its top in the direction of the train graveyard. Plans formulated in his mind as he slid down the odorous side of the monster, his hair flying behind him due to the velocity of his near vertical drop.

Ben was turning feverish, vomiting once more; this time it was not black bits of flesh, but a clear liquid that carried the miniature Dolph Demetrius. He stared silently at the stubborn demon. He started to hallucinate: polychromic swirls invaded the lapis lazuli sky, the whale elongated and its head took on a rectangular shape, and the opiate eyes turned into blazing azure suns surrounded by violet light.

“Oh hell,” he fell to the ground, a massive migraine mentally cleaving his mind in two. He had a dim recollection of Alucius reaching the train graveyard and running to the side of one of the locomotives. Moving it, both he and the train groaning from the pressure, he managed to maneuver it to face the whale.

Ben thought he heard Alucius cry out, “anti-matter is my anti-drug” before the train sped forward, perhaps propelled by Alucius’ power. Strips of metal began to shear from the front from the brute speed of which the locomotive traveled, crashing into the whale with an explosive impact.

Flechette tore through the thick hide of the whale, breaking the protection runes to make the being susceptible to Alucius’ power. Hellish illumination gathered around his clenched fist, the motes of light dancing around him being drawn into the force to add to the destructive force.

Ben, in his hallucinatory state, was not sure if the things shooting from the sky were actual streaks or energy or more illusions conjured up by his mind. He gave a dry laugh when he saw Thor sitting on a cloud, flinging down the bolts and giving his wife Sif an affectionate look, doubting his sanity.

Alucius rushed forward, the air around him crackling with a multitude of colors as he went, luminous aftertrails disintegrating until the silhouettes were unrecognizable.

“What’s wrong with me?” Ben collapsed, eyes swiveling to watch Alucius’ fist meet the werewhale. Runes flared. Thor and Sif disappeared. The colors inverted. The taste of rising bile once more invaded his mouth, tickling his teeth.

Alucius’ fist broke through the defenses and burrowed into the surprisingly soft flesh of the whale; ichor sprayed from the wound, covering his face in rancid specks. He spun, foot connecting with the whale and leaving a new hole in it.

Pushing off of it, he waited until he was at a safe distance before unleashing a ray of antimatter. A horizontal clean gash was left in the middle of the whale that nearly split it in two. The beam continued on, slicing through half of the fountain and spilling its contents to the ground. The ray continued into the fathomless depths of the ground, eventually dissipating after digging its way through most of the crust.

The whale collapsed, obliterating the rest of the fountain and flattening the scarlet forest. Alucius bent his knees so he was able to reduce the slam of gravity when he landed, a scowl offered at Ben before he walked toward the whale. As he did so, the antimatter ate at its flesh, and it dissipated into nothingness in moments.

You can't get quality like this off of drugs.
 

Wintermule

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Another pretty funny bit. I have all these really dramatic titles on my story like Andromeda's Monster and The Melancholic Meteor. Chapter 30 is called "I'll change this later".

Matteo rubbed the back of his neck in thought, staring with a confused expression at the person who had annihilated a good deal of his friends. Lazarus offered him a piece, but Matteo shook his head sensibly.

“I wouldn’t eat that if I was you,” someone croaked from a few aisles down.

A man hobbled out from between a few shelves, his massive gut that would put Gilgamesh to shame supported by his two flabby arms. His stomach protruded from his suit, the buttons stretched to their limits. Two beady eyes set too far apart regarded them lifelessly, head cocked to the side to expose what little neck the rotund man had.

“Why does he not want you to eat that?” Matteo whispered to Lazarus, still lying next to the magazine rack. One of them sporting a front page picture of Halle Berry fell from the knight’s breastplate as he once more drew himself to his feet, his feeble legs growing steadier as time passed.

“I heard about something like this before. See, he’s a dragon protecting his food horde, and if anyone even takes a piece of gum, he’ll tear them to pieces,” Lazarus responded, nodding sagely.

The pointed ears of the chunky man perked up, and he opened his mouth wide, revealing several extra rows of teeth that led all the way down his throat. It covered almost half of his face, and from it came a grey, forked tongue that licked the end of his stubby nose.

“It’s good to see your sense of humor is intact, because you always like to get the last laugh. I daresay this will be your very last one.”

Lazarus scratched his back, obviously not perturbed by the threat. He’d seen plenty of threats in his days, many of which were much more threatening.

“My name is Accountant, and I am of the Dolph Demons.”

“Why, aren’t you rude, Dolph?”

“Despite our millions of years of existing, no one has been quite as clever as you,” Accountant said. “No wise cracks on my name, like the person who has your gum attached to his femur did? I know plenty about you Lazarus, and your never-ending supply of jokes. Just like Sam, and he’s probably hated on the same level as you.”

“I’m very popular lately.”

“It’s not good to be popular, when all your ‘fans’ want you dead,” Accountant

responded, raising one hand. “Meet Benevolence and Pandemonium.”

Lazarus saw he wore brass knuckles shaped in like the number eight on his two-fingered left hand, the word ‘Benev’ written on them. Instead of having a small number of fingers on his right hand, he had eight; a punch katar was mounted on top, the blade glistening with poison.

Matteo, feeling his strength returning, got into a defensive position, one hand held out before him. His sword, used as a tuning fork, was held over his head, ready to strike down with deadly precision, or direct the power of sound.
 

dpaterso

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It occurs to me that any excerpt from my current WIP would qualify... not in a good way.

Dolph Demetrius -- a heroic manly warrior name, that.

-Derek
 

Good Word

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Really great writing for a young teenager. My inner teenager is envious.
 

barnicus

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:D Awesome snippets.
 

Wraith

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Wintermule said:
I’ve personally witnessed you eating a recently baptized baby and drink down a cauldron of holy water while doing so just to spite the Pure!
I love this. It sounds like something I might have written, if only I could find those precious little masterpieces :D. Honestly, this sentence gives me such a wonderful feeling of nostalgia, you have no idea.

Awesome excerpts - much better than I did at that age anyway. Mine were always melodrama. Love the werewhale!
 

Gillhoughly

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Rather unfortunately, this-er-writer went ahead and published her intelligent sea critter book.

http://home.inreach.com/rgierak/dolph98.htm

"Five years earlier a film producer had contacted the Institute that Dawn's husband, a man six foot in stature with piercing chameleon like eyes and silvering hair, had founded. "

HOW in the world could the producer resist a man with cone-shaped eyes on each side of his head--doubtless pointed in different directions?

Sadly, this isn't her absolute bloody worst. THAT is reserved for her grammatically incorrect one-word title, Circle's.

http://home.inreach.com/rgierak/CIRCLES.HTM

Her deathless prose, creative punctuation intact:

"What do you mean Paul I thought you liked being with me" she asked?

"OH. I do LIKE being with you, but this time I have some pressing business and I need a cover. <snip> I will be slipping out this window and coming back the same way and I will need you to be here to answer the phone and make it appear that we are having a good time. Can you do that" he asked?

Hm. Your self-defined kitchen sink had character, drama, and correct grammar going for it!

Be proud. :D
 

Soccer Mom

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:ROFL: I still have chapters named "I'll change this later."

"What do you mean Paul I thought you liked being with me" she asked?

"OH. I do LIKE being with you, but this time I have some pressing business and I need a cover. <snip> I will be slipping out this window and coming back the same way and I will need you to be here to answer the phone and make it appear that we are having a good time. Can you do that" he asked?


I see that Insight charges extra for their "editing service." I'm guessing someone didn't spring for the delux package.
 
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Wintermule

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I am rather proud that my grammar is mostly intact, but some of it is so overdramatic and nonsensical it just makes me laugh, like eating the baptized baby and drinking a "cauldron" of holy water. I might have been playing around with that, I really don't know. Well, I'm sure in a few years I'm going to look back at what I wrote now and laugh. Let's dig up some good snippets. It's fun to look back at what I wrote and try to figure out why I did it. I really wasn't all that bad, since I never once looked back and edited anything the entire story.

Sadly, this isn't her absolute bloody worst. THAT is reserved for her grammatically incorrect one-word title, Circle's.

Gramatically incorrect...or gramatically...intriguing?
 

Gillhoughly

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Circle's is infamous on Publisher's Row. I know TNH from Tor has a copy, as does an editor with Ace and my agent.

I always bring copies to workshops to inspire people. The ones who don't run out screaming after I read a few lines will likely make it in publishing.

The Amazon reviews are fun...

As are certain highly entertaining blog entries...

http://juliefortune.livejournal.com/15559.html

"HELLO, MS. GIERAK? Punctuation police. We have a warrant for your arrest for felonious abuse of the possessive ..."


http://spooner-briggs.livejournal.com/1549.html

"I took the time to explore the wonders of Insight Publishing or, what is also known as the car trunk of one Cherie J Gierak."

The vanity press book originally appeared April 7, 1993, 6 days too late to be fobbed off as an April Fool joke. It was originally carried by New Age shops. They now know better.

She states in her site that as soon as she gets enough money saved she will have more books out.

I'd recommend PubliSHAMerica to her, but it would only encourage her.

Much as I hate PA, I have SOME scruples!
 

Akuma

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Wow, I was a bad writer at ten years old. At the time, I must have thought all medics to be snickering henchmen or something. Unedited, as you can tell, except I tried to put some semblance of paragraph spacing in there.

The sirens blared as the ambulance drove past a casino building. A strange swift man stood in the shadows up above on roof of the casino. His dark eyes stared out his red line goggles with a thick silver lining. He tightened his glittery-like silver gloves. Practically his whole suit was silver. He wore a cloak on his back serving as a cape and- other purposes. Underneath that, a silver tunic that hung loosely, tucking into his pants. Even his uneven hair was silver.

He sprinted atop the rooftops to keep up with the ambulance. “So what’d this chump do?” The medic in the passenger seat of the ambulance asked in a tone that showed he didn’t, obviously, did not worry about what happened to their patient. The other member driving responded, the moon glistening across his face along with the street lights

“I don’t know, I think he got shot or something, but I don’t think he’s gonna make it. It wasn’t too bad.” He snickered.

“What was that?” The one not driving asked.

“Oh that was just me, I guess I sorta’ giggled.” The driving medic answered, turning red.

“No, it wasn’t you. It sounded like a grunt or something.” The medic in the passengers’ seat told the driver, a look of fear upon his face.

The driver snickered again “Don’t look at me, I didn’t eat my wife’s food tonight. Besides you aren’t scared of a guy who probably didn’t make it. Right?”

A deep voice came from the back of the truck. “Your mistake: Probably.”

The crewmembers look back and screamed in horror. The moon hung in the air, brighter than usual.

By the way: the first dude is wearing silver, if you didn't pick up.
 
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nevada

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I like how his cloak served as a cape - and other purposes. That's very intriguing. And if that's what you wrote at ten, I'm impressed. There is a clear visual, even if the silver is a little overdone, and there is a semblance of dialogue. Sure it's really funny, but taken in context, it's not bad at all.
 
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