How brief can you get?

Reading your sample, it sounds as if this may all be relevant info.

The trick perhaps is what can be moved around or merged to reduce the words. Scene headings can be used to convey extra useful info. If you can delay telling us more until the next scene (e.g. Vadim's office is on the top floor, it has a balcony) then you don't need to include it in this scene. Just for fun example's sake:

EXT. FLYING TOWARDS VADIM'S ESTATE - DAY

Over hills, forests, mountains, a river, a road. Finally, Vadim's
high-walled, heavily guarded private sanctuary.

The helicopter lands, Conrad Morosov climbs out and heads for the
four-story smoke glass mansion that towers above lesser buildings.

INT. VADIM'S PENTHOUSE OFFICE - DAY

Vadim is out on the balcony, he comes inside to greet Morosov.

...length-wise that's maybe not much different from yours, but we're already into the next scene. The penthouse office says it's on the top floor, Vadim is out on the balcony so now it's worth mentioning, and the mansion's description is beefed up slightly, it towers above other buildings, it's the dominating central building. No need to mention a "main complex" when we're already seeing exactly what's here.

Or not. What you have isn't wrong or anything, I'm just suggesting there may be ways to save words and/or place them more effectively. Each to their own style, use the Force to guide you.

-Derek

I think your style is lean and fast but perhaps a little flippant. "Fences, walls, guards," could easily be more dramatic. Describing the complex as a "Fort Knox on steroids," or the mansion as, "Blofeld's lair meets Xanadu," is immediately more descriptive though perhaps a little lame (it's your job to find the right fit )

It's been discussed previously in other threads but I'm firmly in the camp of ensuring my scripts are no longer than 110 pages. And even then, I'd prefer it a little shorter. These days I find 120 pages a bit of a slog but to each their own.

Using Dpat's & CW9's examples:

EXT. FLYING TOWARDS VADIM'S ESTATE - DAY

Over beautiful countryside. Finally, Vadim's sanctuary, a "Fort Knox on steroids."

The helicopter alights, Conrad Morosov climbs out and heads for the
four-story smoke glass "Blofeld's lair meets Xanadu," mansion

INT. VADIM'S PENTHOUSE OFFICE - DAY

Vadim is out on the balcony, he comes inside to greet Morosov.

EXT. HELICOPTER - DAY

Over a dense forest. Aproaches Vadim's estate, an ultra-modern, walled sanctuary in the middle of nowhere.

Approaches a clearing within the walls. GUARDS aim weapons at the craft as it lands.

Conrad Morosov jumps out, pauses, and sprints to a four-story smoke glass mansion, towering over other buildings in the compound.

He's followed by two guards.

INT. PENTHOUSE OFFICE, MANSION - DAY

Morosov bustles through the large, well dcorated space to confront Vadim on the

BALCONY

azdak said:

But, Derek, when I wrote 'flying' I meant that the viewer moves in a bird's eye view over mountains etc. and arrives at the estate where the helicopter already landed.

Click to expand...

That's what I thought. If you want to make this absolutely clear (for the hard of understanding ) you could just insert POV into the slugline, e.g.

EXT. POV - FLYING TOWARDS VADIM'S ESTATE - DAY

Over hills, forests, mountains, a river, a road. Finally, Vadim's
high-walled, heavily guarded private sanctuary.

...as always, trust the Force to guide you. Whichever approach you're most comfortable with is the right approach.

-Derek

azdak said:

Brilliant, simply brilliant.

It doesn't fit into the rest of the script, but I am now considering to trash my outline and currently existing 90 pages of script and start one that fits your suggestion. May be I include a half bottle of 12 year of Dimple - celebrational artifact from an acquaintance's wedding party - to jumpstart the project.

Never mind that, after formatting, the new version is about twice the original.

Click to expand...

So what if you come up with 180 pages after you reformat.

Sorry, when I first read yours, I thought you were trying to describe the scene from the POV of a helicopter flying to the compound.

I can't help myself. Here's another possibility with less lines than yours.

EXT. VADIM'S ESTATE - DAY

A falcoln flys over hills. Over a forest. A river. Above a narrow
road. Around a bend in the road,

Surrounded by fortress walls, are five buildings spread over a wide area. Guards, well armed, positioned throughout.

A helicopter, rotors slowing, sits on a pad. Conrad Morosov
jumps out, walks to the main complex . . .

Shot description

Don't get hung up on including shots and camera angles (even cool POVs and tracking shots) in your script. Ultimately, these are the purview of the director, not the screenwriter. They bulk out the script and slow down the read. If they're too blatant, they imply that the writer is a novice who is trying to "direct from the keyboard."

Also, if this is the first time we meet Morosov, we'd need a character description.


EXT. VADIM'S ESTATE - DAY

A helicopter lands inside a walled compound. Conrad Morosov exits. He walks to the main building - a four-story mansion.

INT. VADIM'S OFFICE - DAY


All the best...

Can't argue with that, Ted. I think maybe we're assuming that at some point, James Bond (who's hanging underneath the helicopter) is gonna climb the smoky glass building and sneak into Vadim's office to snatch the stolen nuclear warheads codes, then fight to the death with Vadim's hulking bodyguard out on the balcony, while platoons of ninja slide down ropes from a fleet of hovering Zeppelins to do battle with Vadim's army of mercenary guards among the other buildings. Hence the need for some locale description. If not, then by all means minimize.

-Derek

When to describe - a rule of thumb

dpaterso said:

I think maybe we're assuming that at some point, James Bond (who's hanging underneath the helicopter) is gonna climb the smoky glass building and sneak into Vadim's office to snatch the stolen nuclear warheads codes, then fight to the death with Vadim's hulking bodyguard out on the balcony, while platoons of ninja slide down ropes from a fleet of hovering Zeppelins to do battle with Vadim's army of mercenary guards among the other buildings. Hence the need for some locale description. If not, then by all means minimize.

-Derek

Click to expand...

Generally speaking, the best time to mention a specific detail is when that detail first becomes important to the action. For instance (sorry for the Stars Wars reference) we don't need to know that there's a bunch of perches and spines underneath the floating city until Luke Skywalker actually plummets out of the city and grabs on to keep from falling.

azdak said:

Good tip. I do use POVs and INSERTs, but no others.

I think even these could be avoided by just describing what happens. But sometimes the situation seems to ask for it.

For example, of course completely without context, sorry:

Code:

[FONT=Courier New]INT. MOUNTAIN CAVE - LATER[/FONT]
 
[FONT=Courier New]Janet and Nikolai pass from a narrow tunnel into a dome-like hall.[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New]Ghostly shapes dance in the flashlight searching in the dark.[/FONT]
 
[FONT=Courier New]The light finds what it was looking for - the displaced pile of [/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New]rocks, the shattered plate, the empty cavern.[/FONT]
 
[FONT=Courier New][B]JANET'S POV[/B][/FONT]
[B][FONT=Courier New]Bright, indistinct shapes drifting in the dark, densest near the [/FONT][/B]
[B][FONT=Courier New]cavern.[/FONT][/B]
 
[B][FONT=Courier New]BACK TO SCENE[/FONT][/B]
 
[FONT=Courier New]Janet crouches by the cavern, her hands reach into it.[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New]...[/FONT]

The point here is, that Janet is blind (at the time of the event), but she can see spiritual phenomena, like the bright shapes. Writing it this way contrasts her experience from ours or Nikolai's.

Of course, the whole thing can be written without the POV:

Code:

[FONT=Courier New]INT. MOUNTAIN CAVE - LATER[/FONT]
 
[FONT=Courier New]Janet and Nikolai pass from a narrow tunnel into a dome-like hall.[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New]Ghostly shapes dance in the flashlight searching in the dark.[/FONT]
 
[FONT=Courier New]The light finds what it was looking for - the displaced pile of [/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New]rocks, the shattered plate, the empty cavern.[/FONT]
 
[FONT=Courier New][B]Janet sees bright, indistinct shapes drifting in the dark, densest [/B][/FONT]
[B][FONT=Courier New]near the cavern.[/FONT][/B]
 
[FONT=Courier New]She crouches by the cavern, her hands reach into it.[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New]...[/FONT]

In the first case I envision that we see her from our point of view or Nikolai's - and none of the bright shapes.

The same can be said about INSERTs:

Code:

[FONT=Courier New]... Janet's hands are chained to the ceiling ...[/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New]... Nikolai and Janet talk ...[/FONT]
 
[FONT=Courier New]INSERT: Chamber door -- a hatch in the door opens; a [/FONT]
[FONT=Courier New]guard peers through.[/FONT]
 
[FONT=Courier New]Janet stands talking - prayer or delirium.[/FONT]
 
[FONT=Courier New]BACK TO SCENE[/FONT]
 
[FONT=Courier New]Nikolai holds Janet's head with both hands.[/FONT]

Here Nikolai is a spirit and Janet is physically present (becomes clear in the full context). When the guard peers into the room, he sees Janet talking to nobody.

After the BACK TO SCENE it's again a perspective where Janet sees and talks with Nikolai. It would be a bit longer to convey that situation without the INSERT. But if INSERTs etc. are a no-no for spec scripts it can be done.

Should that kind of envisioning be left to the director entirely, always?

Questions, questions ...



He has been introduced earlier.

Click to expand...

If you have a character who is "seeing" in some abnormal fashion -- telepathically or what have you, then you don't simply want to use something like POV -- because that is simply a straightforward camera term that indicates the position of an angle of view.

You're saying something different and you're really counting on the *memory* of the reader to understand that when you write POV in that context and that context only, you actually mean that different thing.

That's a mistake.

If this is some kind of special vision, then you need to identify it as such, and you need to refer to it in that way whenever it appears on screen, just as if it were Superman's X-Ray vision.

You wouldn't simply say Superman's POV -- and expect the reader to understand that he was seeing through walls.

Call it JANET'S BLINDSIGHT or something like that. Something that distinctly identifies it as different from anything else so that whenever a reader reads it, they are immediately reminded that they are now seeing something specific to her particular odd kind of perception.

Regarding INSERT -- you're not using it correctly and for a spec script, the term is essentially useless.

The standard form now is to use a "mini-slug."

That is, if you want to emphasize some action within an on-going scene, you'd simply write:

AT THE CHAMBER DOOR

Unnoticed by Bob and Sheila, a slot opens, someone looks in.

WITH BOB AND SHEILA

Bob and Shiela continue to dance the tango.

NMS