New Save My Query Pre-SYW Contest!

reenkam · Oct 30, 2007

So...this is in reaction to my lack of synopsis skills. I started a query...and I can't finish it. And it's bad. Too bad for SYW, even. So can people help me actually make it a query, and then I'll put it in SYW for Query Hell?

kthxbai

With the start of her junior year, Zoe Hale doesn’t see any problems on the horizon. School is going well, her friends are amazing, and her boyfriend of three years is perfect. She doesn’t think anything could ruin it. Not until Zadi moves into town.

Zoe can’t keep her mind off of him and she and her friends jokingly decide that he must be something unnatural. Vampire, werewolf, or something else. However, with each passing day, Zoe starts to wonder if it’s not just a joke.

She notices that Zadi starts to display some pretty strange abilities, like forming protective shields, and more people start showing up in town looking for him. Soon Zoe is getting sucked into a world she didn’t even know existed where angels and demons are real and Zadi is the only one keeping the world from being destroyed.

As things get more urgent, Zoe has to decide who to trust, what’s real and imagined, and she has to figure out what’s going on before it’s too late and ...

I don't know what to put after "and". I don't like that whole last paragraph anyway.

HELP!

p.s. reps for everyone!

roskoebaby · Oct 30, 2007

I'll post it here now. Just a rough draft.

XX-year old Zoe Blank is living life as normal. Normal, until she finds herself desperately attracted to Zadi, the new boy next door. It’s almost like she can’t help herself, like there’s supernatural forces at work. She might be right.

As her friends and boyfriend suspect that Zadi is more than a typical teen, Zoe becomes further enamored by his presence. It’s when a group of classmates vow to kill Zadi, that things get out of control.

A forbidden apple, a disappearing scar and a sacrificial lamb are only the beginning of the end. It’s the named scrolls at the graveside that have Zoe questioning the future.

Enochia is a 90,000-word YA fantasy that questions friendship, love and loyalty.

Shady Lane · Oct 30, 2007

With the start of her junior year, Zoe Hale doesn’t see any problems on the horizon. School is going well, her friends are amazing, and her boyfriend of three years is perfect. She doesn’t think anything could ruin it. Not until Zadi moves into town.

Zoe can’t keep her mind off of him and she and her friends jokingly decide that he must be something unnatural. Vampire, werewolf, or something else. However, with each passing day, Zoe starts to wonder if it’s not just a joke.

She notices that Zadi starts to display some pretty strange abilities, like forming protective shields, and more people start showing up in town looking for him. Soon Zoe is getting sucked into a world she didn’t even know existed where angels and demons are real and Zadi is the only one keeping the world from being destroyed.

As things get more urgent, Zoe has to decide who to trust, what’s real and imagined, and she has to figure out what’s going on before it’s too late and ...

Okay. Obviously feel free to totally ignore this.

The two Z names kind of trip me up, too. Sorry.

New kids are always weird. They're not always angels.

Zoe never thought this could happen in her world. But now Zadi, the handsome, dynamic, new kid, is attracting more than just stares and bits of gossip--try protective shields and angel hunters. He's clearly more trouble than he's worth, and yet Zoe can't stop herself from falling in...well, if not love, at least interest.

But before she can define her relationship with Zadi, X HAPPENS.

fill in that X for me, reen.

roskoebaby · Oct 30, 2007

I vote Shady's

reenkam · Oct 30, 2007

Ooo, this is exciting, haha. Queries aren't so bad when amazing people help.

Okay, let's see...

Totally understand the Z name thing and I thought about it hard. The thing is, though, both names have specific meanings I need. Zoe means "life" which is the connection to Eve, also meaning "life". Zadi is short for a much longer name that I can't spell that basically refers to Adam (Adam, Eve, apple...yeah, there's a theme lol)

The story's kind of complicated for a query, I've realized, so is it fine to be broad? Do agents expect that? I assume so...

*works to combine both queries*

Shady Lane · Oct 30, 2007

My queries tend to have attitude. I liked roskoe's a lot. I don't really know the vibe of your ms, so...

reenkam · Oct 30, 2007

Shady Lane said:
My queries tend to have attitude. I liked roskoe's a lot. I don't really know the vibe of your ms, so...

It's kind of...progressive lol

It starts off kind of light and random with a thunderstorm sleepover thing. It's pretty fun/light in the beginning with the whole "Zadi's a vampire" thing. It gets darker after Vince and Zadi fight the first time and then when Daisy and Urias show up. Then it ends darkest with Vince's death.

Should I put Vince in the query more? No, no I shouldn't.

*runs off again*

reenkam · Oct 30, 2007

I tried to combine both.
It worked in my head really well.
Not so much once I typed it.

~~~~~~~~
New kids are supposed to be weird, not mysterious, irresistible, and the only thing keeping the world from ending.

Zoe Hale tries to deny her attraction to the new boy, Zadi. She’s had a boyfriend for three years straight, but she still can’t keep her mind off of the foreign boy with an unknown past. And overhearing various assassination plots by other newcomers, who just might be angels, isn’t helping to break her interest.

Zoe sets out to find out just who, or what, Zadi really is and find herself mixed up in a war between Heaven and Hell. But even the protective shields, rapid healing, lightning bolts, and disembodied voices can’t keep Zoe from wondering: What does she have to do with it all?

Enochia is a blah blah blah

roskoebaby · Oct 30, 2007

reenkam said:
I tried to combine both.
It worked in my head really well.
Not so much once I typed it.

~~~~~~~~
New kids are supposed to be weird, not mysterious, irresistible, and the only thing keeping the world from ending. (like this)

Zoe Hale tries to deny her attraction to the new boy, Zadi. ~~She’s had a boyfriend for three years straight, but she still can’t keep her mind off of the foreign boy with an unknown past.~~ Don't really like this line. And overhearing various assassination plots by other newcomers, who just might be angels, isn’t helping to break her interest.

Zoe sets out to find out just who, or what, Zadi really is and find herself mixed up in a war between Heaven and Hell. good But even the protective shields, rapid healing, lightning bolts, and disembodied voices can’t keep Zoe from wondering: What does she have to do with it all? Need stonger ending.

Enochia is a blah blah blah

Getting warmer...............

Shady Lane · Oct 30, 2007

I want to know how she gets mixed up in this war. In a sentence.

reenkam · Oct 30, 2007

Basically, Zadi liked her. He chose her (not purposely). It could have been any girl, but he liked her, she liked him, and she became the way in for the angels/demons who are after him.

Shady Lane · Oct 30, 2007

I just hate queries that have main characters "finding themselves in" situations. If he drags her in, say it.

reenkam · Oct 30, 2007

Yeah, I hate that, too. Especially since she's partially at fault for giving in and making out with him anyway. But I feel like saying that in the query would make them think she's not nice, but she is. Well, I think so..

okay, I'm at it again.

reenkam · Oct 30, 2007

I always feel like my queries just fall apart at the end...

New kids are supposed to be weird, not mysterious, irresistible, and the only thing keeping the world from ending.

Zoe Hale tries to deny her attraction to the new boy, Zadi, but it’s pretty hard to ignore when he’s always there, causing some trouble in her life, the latest being the feud between him and Zoe’s boyfriend. They just won’t leave each other alone.

Determined to handle Zadi once and for all, and stop her cravings for him, Zoe sets out to find out exactly who, or what, he is. Through snooping and talks with quirky teens who just might be celestial beings, Zoe finds out that Zadi’s the only thing keeping the world from being destroyed. And because she couldn’t keep her mind off him, she’s a target in the middle of the brewing war between Heaven and Hell.

Now Zoe’s got much more than college decisions to worry about. With protective shields, lightning bolts, and ancient prophecy’s in every direction, Zoe must figure out what she can do to make sure she keeps her life, Zadi keeps his, and the world doesn’t get destroyed in the process.

Shady Lane · Oct 30, 2007

reenkam said:
I always feel like my queries just fall apart at the end...

New kids are supposed to be weird, not mysterious, irresistible, and the only thing keeping the world from ending.

Zoe Hale tries to deny her attraction to the new boy, Zadi, but it’s pretty hard to ignore when he’s always there, causing some trouble in her life, the latest being the feud between him and Zoe’s boyfriend. They just won’t leave each other alone.

Determined to handle Zadi once and for all, and stop her cravings for him, Zoe sets out to find out exactly who, or what, he is. Through snooping and talks with quirky teens who just might be celestial beings, Zoe finds out that Zadi’s the only thing keeping the world from being destroyed. And because she couldn’t keep her mind off him, she’s a target in the middle of the brewing war between Heaven and Hell.

Now Zoe’s got much more than college decisions to worry about. With protective shields, lightning bolts, and ancient prophecy’s in every direction, Zoe must figure out what she can do to make sure she keeps her life, Zadi keeps his, and the world doesn’t get destroyed in the process.

You're super close. My rewrite:

New kids are supposed to be weird. Not mysterious. Not irresistable. And not the only thing keeping the world from ending.

Zoe Hale tries to ignore her attraction to the new boy, Zadi, but this isn't so easy when he's constantly interfering in her life. Lately, he's fighting with Zoe's boyfriend. Great.

In an effort to keep Zadi from ruining her life (and maybe also stop those sexy daydreams about him...) she sets out to find out exactly who, and what, Zadi is. After some snooping and some interview with some not-so-terrestrial kids, Zoe finds out that Zadi happens to be the lynchpin of the entire universe. And since she had to be such a busybody, now she's involved in a brewing war between Heaven and Hell.

Even better.

And I'd end it right there.

reenkam · Oct 30, 2007

can I just say WOW

SOOOOO much better than anything I ever could have every thought of ever in my life ever.

Like, ever.

I have no idea what a lynchpin is, but it sounds good, lol.

goodness, I feel all special now. my query's better than the book

reenkam · Oct 30, 2007

oh, am I supposed to carry this on over to Query Hell now?

hm

I haven't even started manu revisions, lol

Shady Lane · Oct 30, 2007

GO TO QUERY HELL BOY

reenkam · Oct 30, 2007

*runs*

New Save My Query Pre-SYW Contest!

reenkam

aka cupcake

roskoebaby

Shady Lane

my name is hannah

roskoebaby

reenkam

aka cupcake

Shady Lane

my name is hannah

reenkam

aka cupcake

reenkam

aka cupcake

roskoebaby

Shady Lane

my name is hannah

reenkam

aka cupcake

Shady Lane

my name is hannah

reenkam

aka cupcake

reenkam

aka cupcake

Shady Lane

my name is hannah

reenkam

aka cupcake

reenkam

aka cupcake

Shady Lane

my name is hannah

reenkam

aka cupcake