Real sf/f first lines (the game's evil twin)

Shweta · Oct 29, 2007

Otherwise known as, Shweta has no sense of humor :tongue

I was going through badducky's sf/f first lines thread and noticed that while a lot of them are really fun, very few feel like they're actually intended as first lines of, y'know, actual stories.

So I'd like to make a complementary thread. Not a game! No point in stepping on the excellent game thread that already exists. This one's more of a serious exercise.

The idea is to post actual first lines you're actually intending to turn into stories. Or first lines of our current stories in progress. With actual comments based on whether we'd actually give these a thumbs up if we read them in actual print. Actually

Rule-type things always need to exist, so here they are. Feel free to tell me if they need fixing/changing/clarifying.

Posting
Since these are actual first lines, I think we should ease up on the necessity of making them obviously sf/f. And if people want to put in a bit more than a sentence that's fine too. But! First paragraph or (ideally) less, 'kay? More than that should go in SYW.

If crits aren't welcome, please say that crits are not welcome. And all shall be well.

Critting
This thread is supposed to be much closer to SYW, where crits are welcome. It's meant to hone our ability to write and crit, and make it easier for us to get published, and win major awards, and be put into the canon of classic literature :tongue

There is no requirement for people to post in order to crit. Anyone who crits is doing us all a favor.

What's in it for me?
The fake incentive is free crit. If you post here and you're serious, and post your piece in SYW, I'll look at it. Just poke me to do so.
The real other incentive is... a lot of pieces get rejected on the first line. Let's not be those people!

Having said all that, here's the line I'm starting my current piece with, at the moment.

Gus and Tony met the freak on a chilly afternoon, when ragged red and yellow oak leaves whirled past in gusts and their tenement's shadow reached across the street to finger the grimy, graffiti-smeared brick of the apartment opposite.

ETA: Fixes more than welcome. I'm not happy with it yet.

badducky · Oct 29, 2007

In the defense of the silliness:

The silliness becomes a story in itself.

I'm sending this one out tomorrow morning:

"A file crossed my desk today, with the name Kavith on it. It was time to circle the file dates in red because he had died. I went searching for the rest of his files. I pulled them all together, to circle them in red.

Then I went looking for the other street-lunkers’ files because I figured they had to be there somewhere. After eating bugs, and running through the lights like they did, I knew they had caught cancer."

Ugh, another round of laundry. Will the machines ever stop tumbling and spinning?

Shweta · Oct 29, 2007

Silliness needs no defense. But a silly fun thread isn't really the right place to think about the serious first lines and be harsh, right?

I really do see these as complementary.

Not sure if this is consistent with the voice, but for less confusingness I'd suggest:

"A file crossed my desk today, with the name Kavith on it. Kavith had died. T~~It was t~~ime to circle the file dates in red ~~because he had died~~. I went searching for the rest of his files. I pulled them all together, to circle them in red.

Sassee · Oct 29, 2007

Here's one... I posted it in another thread a while back. Okay technically it's two sentences, but gimme a break. Shweta said I could do that! See? It's right up there. I swears it on the precious.

Let me know what you think.

They told me I would be blind.

They were only half wrong.

Interesting, or no? If it caught your attention, here's the following paragraph:

They told me I would be blind.

They were only half wrong.

Legally, I can't see a thing, but legally, people with my kind of sight don't exist. Nothing made that more apparent than the smug man sitting across from me. I couldn't make out his features very well, but his aura was so cold it gave me goose bumps. He was an Ice Thrower.

"One more time. Where is it?"

I leaned back, feigning disinterest. "Where's what?"

Deirdre · Oct 29, 2007

badducky said:
"A file crossed my desk today, with the name Kavith on it. It was time to circle the file dates in red because he had died. I went searching for the rest of his files. I pulled them all together, to circle them in red.

Then I went looking for the other street-lunkers’ files because I figured they had to be there somewhere. After eating bugs, and running through the lights like they did, I knew they had caught cancer."

1) Temporal issue in first sentence; I suspect the name was on the file before it crossed the desk.

2) Flat sentence, but could be interesting.

3) Flat sentence.

4) Duplicates sentence 2.

5) There is no referent for "they" other than "street-lunkers'" or "files." Files wouldn't make sense and neither does "street-lunkers'." So one wonders.

6) Misplaced modifier, which can be detected by removing part of the phrase: "After eating bugs, I knew..." There should be no comma between "bugs" and "and."

Yr. Humble Editrix

Shweta · Oct 29, 2007

Sassee, I actually really like your third line as a hook. What are the first two adding? They wouldn't keep me reading but the third line totally would.

badducky · Oct 29, 2007

Deirdre said:
1) Temporal issue in first sentence; I suspect the name was on the file before it crossed the desk.

2) Flat sentence, but could be interesting.

3) Flat sentence.

4) Duplicates sentence 2.

5) There is no referent for "they" other than "street-lunkers'" or "files." Files wouldn't make sense and neither does "street-lunkers'." So one wonders.

6) Misplaced modifier, which can be detected by removing part of the phrase: "After eating bugs, I knew..." There should be no comma between "bugs" and "and."

Yr. Humble Editrix

ETA: Now that I have some idea of who the crit is coming from, I can say "Thanks", and I'll keep it in mind if I ever adjust something to that market.

And, some of the rules have been tested or changed since this post, and because of this post, and I hope that people take the time to read those rules.

Shweta · Oct 29, 2007

Hey guys, I'd like to establish SYW rules for comments.

That is, a comment on our entries, a crit, is a favor. We can listen or no, (ETA: And for many of us that will depend on the work we've seen from the critter) but the appropriate response is "Thank you."

ETA also: And any crit is the person's own opinion only, yada.

'kay?
I'd also like to note that some of the best editors in this field are not writers. Just sayin'. This is a general comment and has nothing to do with Deirdre, who has plenty of cred as a writer as far as I'm concerned.

badducky · Oct 29, 2007

I'll say thank you, when I see hers. I don't know who critted me, or if we work in the same corner of the bookstore until I see hers. Makes sense, right?

And I'm smiling.

Sharon Mock · Oct 29, 2007

I'll play, but I'm not doing particularly interesting first lines at the moment, I'm afraid.

From story #1:

Fortune-hunters come in many different kinds.

From story #2 (titled "Apollo on the Beach"):

When his family lost its dominion, its members scattered.

I think I do okay on the thirteen lines test, though (see here).
(Edited to add that I don't actually have anything up there at the moment.)

Shweta · Oct 29, 2007

Feel free to post more than a single sentence.

Nakhlasmoke · Oct 29, 2007

Eep. Openings are my worst. I have beautifully boring openings.

This is from the one I'm currently shoving at agents.

The dead didn't clap as the old man stepped down from the podium, his dandelion hair glowing in the spotlights. Elizabeth watched Bernard from the wings, feeling the strange flare of hope in her chest. It had been such a long time.

Nakhlasmoke · Oct 29, 2007

Sharon Mock said:
From story #2 (titled "Apollo on the Beach"):

When his family lost its dominion, its members scattered.

Of the two, i like this one, but I think I'd like it more if there was something other than a generic 'his'.

Just my 2 cents.

Shweta · Oct 29, 2007

Nakhlasmoke said:
The dead didn't clap as the old man stepped down from the podium, his dandelion hair glowing in the spotlights. Elizabeth watched Bernard from the wings, ~~feeling the~~a strange flare of hope in her chest. It had been such a long time.

She felt hope...since the dead failed to clap?

I'm halfway between intrigued and confused, here. Is Bernard the old man? If so maybe just say Bernard, and convey that he is old otherwise (possibly in his manner of motion and the lovely detail of his hair). If not, I'm really confused.

Deirdre · Oct 29, 2007

badducky said:
I don't know who critted me, or if we work in the same corner of the bookstore until I see hers.

My web site's in my sig. Pic of my most recent sale's cover is on the left. Authors appearing in that anthology can be found here. I'm assistant editor for this mag. Assistant editor translates to slush reader.

All of which I've posted about before.

glassquill · Oct 30, 2007

Since I have yet to be satisfied with the opening line of the work that I'm editing, I'll just take a deep breath and stick my foot into the pirahna pool.

If I can handle the pirahna bites, maybe the shark nibbles won't hurt that much. I must say you guys can be a bit intimidating, but it helps toughen up the skin. That being said, here's a portion of my opening paragraph.

Luesyn peered over the edge of the balcony. "Look, Aleanna. Have you ever seen such a gathering in the Hall?"

Aleanna looked over his shoulder. "I'm impressed," she said in a bored voice. "I must say I've never seen such an elaborate and colorful reception for Death before."

Nakhlasmoke · Oct 30, 2007

glassquill said:
Luesyn peered over the edge of the balcony. "~~Look, Aleanna~~. Have you ever seen such a gathering in the Hall?"

Aleanna looked over his shoulder. "I'm impressed," she said, ~~in a~~ bored ~~voice~~. "I must say I've never seen such an elaborate and colorful reception for Death before."

I'm intrigued.

Shweta · Oct 30, 2007

glassquill said:
Luesyn peered over the edge of the balcony. "Look, Aleanna. Have you ever seen such a gathering in the Hall?"

Aleanna looked over his shoulder. "I'm impressed," she said in a bored voice. "I must say I've never seen such an elaborate and colorful reception for Death before."

I'll bite

The name "Luesyn" gives me pause, because my best guess as to the pronunciation is very close to "Lucien", at which point I wonder what the spelling is accomplishing. Maybe you want to give the reader a bit more to hang onto (bite into?) on word one.

Aleanna sounds interesting. I'd follow her around, she's snippy :tongue

But I wonder -- what you have is fine, but perhaps you want to tell us slightly more? What's the balcony like? What's it feel like under his fingers? What's the source of light? You could mention a couple specific images after Luesyn speaks.

And If Aleanna is snippy and superior perhaps you want to make her diction slightly more formal -- "I've never seen so elaborate and colorful a reception for Death before." for example.

And... "elaborate and colorful" is still fairly vague. I'd read on, but I'd really want to get to (at least implied) specifics soon.

ETA: And, second Nakhlasmoke's edits, if they are compatible with the mood you're setting, of course.

Deirdre · Oct 30, 2007

badducky said:
ETA: Now that I have some idea of who the crit is coming from, I can say "Thanks", and I'll keep it in mind if I ever adjust something to that market.

It's good to remember that different editors (and different readers) have different tastes. Some of what I said is my preference as a reader and writer, but isn't necessarily a showstopper for me as an editor -- hook me and I'll give you a lot of leeway at least the first time through.

I should also add: well done on your forthcoming book.

glassquill · Oct 30, 2007

Nakhlasmoke said:
I'm intrigued.

Thanks for the compliment and the corrections. I appreciate it. :Hug2:

Shweta said:
I'll bite

The name "Luesyn" gives me pause, because my best guess as to the pronunciation is very close to "Lucien", at which point I wonder what the spelling is accomplishing. Maybe you want to give the reader a bit more to hang onto (bite into?) on word one.

Aleanna sounds interesting. I'd follow her around, she's snippy

But I wonder -- what you have is fine, but perhaps you want to tell us slightly more? What's the balcony like? What's it feel like under his fingers? What's the source of light? You could mention a couple specific images after Luesyn speaks.

And If Aleanna is snippy and superior perhaps you want to make her diction slightly more formal -- "I've never seen so elaborate and colorful a reception for Death before." for example.

And... "elaborate and colorful" is still fairly vague. I'd read on, but Id really want to get to (at least implied) specifics soon.

Thanks for the feedback, Shweta.

I understand what you said about the name. Would I have to end up changing his name? That's a scary thought.

I guess a lot of people like Aleanna. Funny, she's not exactly the most endearing of characters.

You mentioned that you had the impression that Aleanna is snippy and superior. I might have to work on that then. I was going for the impression of someone who is cynical and nursing a grudge.

They're both going to witness a massacre of their family and Aleanna's reaction is so unusual (she watches the whole thing with indifference), that I worry the reader is going to think 'Not logical' and toss the book away.

I think I could pick at this until the cows come home and I'd still not be entirely happy with it.

Shweta · Oct 30, 2007

glassquill said:
I understand what you said about the name. Would I have to end up changing his name? That's a scary thought.

Truly, this is the least scary of changes. It's what the find-and-replace-all command is for

You mentioned that you had the impression that Aleanna is snippy and superior. I might have to work on that then. I was going for the impression of someone who is cynical and nursing a grudge.

Ah, that might come clear in the next little while, I guess. Her responding to his enthusiasm with boredom comes across as a mean, to me. And she certainly seems more eloquent than him, so far. Which does intrigue me, but I wouldn't be shocked to find out she was actually nursing a grudge rather than snippy, so don't worry on my behalf.

They're both going to witness a massacre of their family and Aleanna's reaction is so unusual (she watches the whole thing with indifference), that I worry the reader is going to think 'Not logical' and toss the book away.

Do they know that? If so his reaction's pretty weird too!

If you post(ed) it in SYW, let me know

dpaterso · Oct 30, 2007

1st paragraph -- 100 words -- of an actual story opening. If you get bored just stop reading, and tell me I've totally failed to tickle your curiosity.

Someone had dimmed the walls so that couples and groups could get their romance on, so Shar didn't want to go back inside. Instead she stayed out on the balcony with Rinald, expecting to be bored again, but something was different about her cousin tonight. She let the usual blah about offworld investments and board room executions flow over her while she studied him through her nano-enhanced eyes, which she'd had done only yesterday at a Swiss clinic. The evidence said Rinald was three centimeters shorter. And his eyes were *almost* the right shade of blue, but not quite.

(Assuming you got this far...

) Each month my old Sci-Fi/Fantasy crit group runs a fun Best Openings Contest, competing to see who can write the catchiest opening. Max wordcount and theme are set by the reigning admin. The above is my entry for this month's BOC. I'm hoping to get the story finished before NaNoWriMo.

-Derek

glassquill · Oct 30, 2007

Shweta said:
Truly, this is the least scary of changes. It's what the find-and-replace-all command is for

Well, name = character in my mind. So changing his name is going to be tough. But I guess there are worse things down the road than just a change of names.

Ah, that might come clear in the next little while, I guess. Her responding to his enthusiasm with boredom comes across as a mean, to me. And she certainly seems more eloquent than him, so far. Which does intrigue me, but I wouldn't be shocked to find out she was actually nursing a grudge rather than snippy, so don't worry on my behalf.

Actually, she's higher up the maturity ladder than he is. He's her younger brother.

Do they know that? If so his reaction's pretty weird too!

She knows, but he doesn't.

Poor fellow gets the shock of his life.

If you post(ed) it in SYW, let me know

I've posted the opening chapter a while back in SYW. After obtaining some very useful feedback, I discovered that sticking to the original opening chapter would make for a very boring read. So, I chopped and trimmed and pruned to end up with this new opening. :tongue

Looks like I'll need to add some meat to the bones.

Thanks again for the feedback. :Hug2:

Zelenka · Oct 30, 2007

I wanted to play, but most of my first chapters are on SYW already, so I found a fantasy WIP that's kind of on hold at the moment (as it takes place in the same universe as another WIP, and I need to write that one before I can carry on with this). Openings are seriously not my strong point.

Quince found a piece of driftwood and used it to roll the animal’s corpse over and expose the belly. He grimaced. No matter how many times these creatures strayed near to Moiety’s borders, the sight of them still repulsed him. Animals were such disgusting creatures, no matter what species they belonged to, but these native ones were the worst.

This one stank more than the live Beasts he spent most of his time chasing away. It had been dead a good few hours. It lay on the sand, within sight of the great stone towers flanking the town’s harbour, the closest yet. Its body comprised of a narrow ribcage and tiny rump, with pinkish-grey skin showing through the coarse black hair, four long, thin legs and an angular head, ridged with grey spines. One yellow eye was open and stared up at Quince with menace, even in death, and its muzzle was wrinkled back to reveal its browned, sharp teeth.

‘Pollard’s sword’s over here, sir,’ called one of the other Harbour Guards.

Quince let the beast flop back down onto the sand, then tossed his stick into the sea. He left another of the guards to mark the carcass with a bright red flag, to warn the townsfolk not to approach.

dpaterso · Oct 30, 2007

Insert the usual my humble opinion disclaimer here.

badducky said:
"A file crossed my desk today, with the name Kavith on it. It was time to circle the file dates in red because he had died. I went searching for the rest of his files. I pulled them all together, to circle them in red.

Then I went looking for the other street-lunkers’ files because I figured they had to be there somewhere. After eating bugs, and running through the lights like they did, I knew they had caught cancer."

1st paragraph interested me -- some kind of reaper thing going, maybe, who knows -- and the name had a vaguely Lovecraftian ring about it -- and maybe the fact there are multiple files on the same person might reveal something else interesting... Silly reasons to keep reading, probably, but sometimes that's good enough, curiosity is tickled and the reader keeps going. But the 2nd paragraph tripped me, I had to stop and re-read, there's no connection between the various elements and my curiousity turned to puzzlement. I'm just saying.

Sassee said:
They told me I would be blind.

They were only half wrong.

Legally, I can't see a thing, but legally, people with my kind of sight don't exist. Nothing made that more apparent than the smug man sitting across from me. I couldn't make out his features very well, but his aura was so cold it gave me goose bumps. He was an Ice Thrower.

"One more time. Where is it?"

I leaned back, feigning disinterest. "Where's what?"

Feels like a police or mob interrogation with something supernatural going on with the POVC, both are enough to make me want to read on.

Nakhlasmoke said:
The dead didn't clap as the old man stepped down from the podium, his dandelion hair glowing in the spotlights. Elizabeth watched Bernard from the wings, feeling the strange flare of hope in her chest. It had been such a long time.

An audience of dead people certainly tickles curiosity -- assuming "The dead" isn't what performers call an unappreciative audience. Elizabeth's feelings also made me curious enough to want to read on even tho, technically, I haven't a clue what's going on.

glassquill said:
Luesyn peered over the edge of the balcony. "Look, Aleanna. Have you ever seen such a gathering in the Hall?"

Aleanna looked over his shoulder. "I'm impressed," she said in a bored voice. "I must say I've never seen such an elaborate and colorful reception for Death before."

I'm thinking I'd maybe insert a line or two describing who Luesyn sees down there -- the dazzling colors, the powdered wigs, or whatever is predominant in the scene -- between these two paragraphs. Just to give the floating dialogue a solid anchor.

Hope it helps, don't feel obliged to agree with me.

-Derek

Real sf/f first lines (the game's evil twin)

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