To comma or not to comma?

sassandgroove · Oct 25, 2007

[FONT=Courier New, monospace]When would she ever have five weeks off in a row, where she was, in fact, still employed?[/FONT]

[FONT=Courier New, monospace]When would she ever have five weeks off in a row, where she was in fact still employed?[/FONT]

[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Thanks in advance for any help.
[/FONT]

BarbJ · Oct 25, 2007

IMO: When would she ever have five weeks off in a row where she was, in fact, still employed? Or simply get rid of "in fact". Or, "How would she get five weeks off while still employed?"

I'd like to know how to swing that!

Duncan J Macdonald · Oct 25, 2007

sassandgroove said:
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]When would she ever have five weeks off in a row, where she was, in fact, still employed?[/FONT]

[FONT=Courier New, monospace]When would she ever have five weeks off in a row, where she was in fact still employed?[/FONT]

[FONT=Courier New, monospace]Thanks in advance for any help.[/FONT]

The second.

Personally, I'd re-write it thusly:
"When would she ever stay employed and have five weeks off in a row?"

FennelGiraffe · Oct 25, 2007

sassandgroove said:
[FONT=Courier New, monospace]When would she ever have five weeks off in a row, where she was, in fact, still employed?[/FONT]

[FONT=Courier New, monospace]When would she ever have five weeks off in a row, where she was in fact still employed?[/FONT]

Grammatically, the first is more correct (I agree with BarbJ about the first comma), but it's a clunky sentence, so I vote for neither.

To begin with, "where" is the wrong word. It should be "while" or "when" (if not for the other "when"). You're talking about time, not location.

Maybe I'm oversensitive because the parenthetical "in fact" is one of the bad habits I'm trying to cut back on, but I don't think it adds anything to this sentence. Once you cut that you don't really need "she was" either. So ...

[FONT=Courier New, monospace]When would she ever have five weeks off in a row while still employed?[/FONT]

sassandgroove · Oct 25, 2007

This is what I like:

When would she ever have five weeks off in a row while she was, in fact, still employed?

I appreciate the input, but I like the sentence. I changed where to while, i didn't catch that. Thanks everybody.

jennifer75 · Oct 25, 2007

I think you should change "still employed" with "remaining an employee" or something to that effect.

The wording kind of throws me. But I say the second one reads better, grammatically incorrect or not.

sassandgroove · Oct 25, 2007

May I ask why?

Would the context change your thought on that?

Because to me
"When would she ever have five weeks off in a row while she would, in fact, remain employed."

sounds clunky and not how people would talk.

Devil Ledbetter · Oct 25, 2007

sassandgroove said:
This is what I like:

When would she ever have five weeks off in a row while she was, in fact, still employed?

I appreciate the input, but I like the sentence. I changed where to while, i didn't catch that. Thanks everybody.

I like it the same way you do. It makes it sound like she's getting five weeks off because she's losing her job, and she's trying to look at the bright side. None of the other permutations convey that.

Of course, that may not be at all what you're trying to convey.

Bufty · Oct 25, 2007

I hope it makes sense in context because on its own, no matter how it's punctuated, it doesn't read well to me and neither do I understand the character's question.

Jamesaritchie · Oct 25, 2007

sassandgroove said:
May I ask why?

Would the context change your thought on that?

Because to me
"When would she ever have five weeks off in a row while she would, in fact, remain employed."

sounds clunky and not how people would talk.

You're right. "While" does not belong in this sentence. "Where" is perfectly fine, especially since you begin the sentence with "when."

Just drop the first comma, and I think you have a fine sentence.

sassandgroove · Oct 25, 2007

Devil Ledbetter said:
I like it the same way you do. It makes it sound like she's getting five weeks off because she's losing her job, and she's trying to look at the bright side. None of the other permutations convey that.

Of course, that may not be at all what you're trying to convey.

She isn't losing her job. THat's the point. She's going to have 5 weeks off and still be employed.

I just wanted to know if I needed commas around, "in fact." I didn't know this would be so complicated.

Alright, I am not at home, so I can't paste the paragraph.

She is contemplating taking a mega-roadtrip becuase it occurred to her that the preschool where she teaches is closed for 5 weeks in the summer. One of her reasons for doing it in the coming summer is that she doesn't know if she'll still be teaching there in the summer after next.

sassandgroove · Oct 25, 2007

Jamesaritchie said:
You're right. "While" does not belong in this sentence. "Where" is perfectly fine, especially since you begin the sentence with "when."

Just drop the first comma, and I think you have a fine sentence.

So, just to be clear, are you saying it is ok like this?

When would she ever have five weeks off in a row where she was in fact still employed?

Roger J Carlson · Oct 25, 2007

If 4 of the 7 people here who read that sentence thought it was clunky, there's a good chance the average reader will think so, too. And while they're trying to unravel what you meant, the thread of the story is lost. Bears consideration.

sassandgroove · Oct 25, 2007

That is true, Roger. Very true.

I'm using a real life experience for a fiction story. I used to teach preschool and I had 5 weeks off and took a mega road trip. I've used that sentence in conversation, well, except it was, "I."

When will I have five weeks off again where I am in fact still employed.

But I guess in conversation, with inflection or whatever, it comes across better than in writing. I'll tinker with it.

Sometimes it is hard to let go.

Voyager · Oct 25, 2007

What other job would give her the chance to take five weeks off and still remain employed?

KTC · Oct 25, 2007

I just have to say this. Comma Comma Comma Comma Comma Commelian. Proceed.

Voyager · Oct 25, 2007

KTC said:
I just have to say this. Comma Comma Comma Comma Comma Commelian. Proceed.

Yes, but are you wearing the makeup and the hat?

KTC · Oct 25, 2007

sassandgroove said:
That is true, Roger. Very true.

I'm using a real life experience for a fiction story. I used to teach preschool and I had 5 weeks off and took a mega road trip. I've used that sentence in conversation, well, except it was, "I."

When will I have five weeks off again where I am in fact still employed.

But I guess in conversation, with inflection or whatever, it comes across better than in writing. I'll tinker with it.

Sometimes it is hard to let go.

Sometimes I write characters that talk that way, too, sis...so I can totally see it. Made sense to me. Kind of 40s style...long splendid dialoguey.

sassandgroove · Oct 25, 2007

Voyager said:
What other job would give her the chance to take five weeks off and still remain employed?

Could work. Thanks.

sassandgroove · Oct 25, 2007

How about?

When would she ever have five weeks off in a row and actually still be employed?

Voyager · Oct 25, 2007

I'm thinking that the word again needs to be in there somehow, but it could just be me...again.

KTC · Oct 25, 2007

would five straight weeks off work in place of five weeks off in a row? Just wondering out loud...with my fingers.

sassandgroove · Oct 25, 2007

OK:

When would she have five straight weeks off again where she would actually still be employed?

Voyager · Oct 25, 2007

When would she ever have five weeks off again while still remaining employed? Please don't hit me.

sassandgroove · Oct 25, 2007

This could go on for evah! LOCK THREAD.

(Don't really. Please. Thanks)

To comma or not to comma?

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