To comma or not to comma?

[sassandgroove]

When would she ever have five weeks off in a row, where she was, in fact, still employed?



When would she ever have five weeks off in a row, where she was in fact still employed?


Thanks in advance for any help.

[BarbJ]

IMO: When would she ever have five weeks off in a row where she was, in fact, still employed? Or simply get rid of "in fact". Or, "How would she get five weeks off while still employed?"

I'd like to know how to swing that! :D

[Duncan J Macdonald]

When would she ever have five weeks off in a row, where she was, in fact, still employed?



When would she ever have five weeks off in a row, where she was in fact still employed?


Thanks in advance for any help.

The second.

Personally, I'd re-write it thusly:
"When would she ever stay employed and have five weeks off in a row?"

[FennelGiraffe]

When would she ever have five weeks off in a row, where she was, in fact, still employed?

When would she ever have five weeks off in a row, where she was in fact still employed?
Grammatically, the first is more correct (I agree with BarbJ about the first comma), but it's a clunky sentence, so I vote for neither.

To begin with, "where" is the wrong word. It should be "while" or "when" (if not for the other "when"). You're talking about time, not location.

Maybe I'm oversensitive because the parenthetical "in fact" is one of the bad habits I'm trying to cut back on, but I don't think it adds anything to this sentence. Once you cut that you don't really need "she was" either. So ...When would she ever have five weeks off in a row while still employed?

[sassandgroove]

This is what I like:

When would she ever have five weeks off in a row while she was, in fact, still employed?


I appreciate the input, but I like the sentence. I changed where to while, i didn't catch that. Thanks everybody. :)

[jennifer75]

I think you should change "still employed" with "remaining an employee" or something to that effect.

The wording kind of throws me. But I say the second one reads better, grammatically incorrect or not. :)

[sassandgroove]

May I ask why?

Would the context change your thought on that?

Because to me
"When would she ever have five weeks off in a row while she would, in fact, remain employed."

sounds clunky and not how people would talk.

[Devil Ledbetter]

This is what I like:

When would she ever have five weeks off in a row while she was, in fact, still employed?


I appreciate the input, but I like the sentence. I changed where to while, i didn't catch that. Thanks everybody. :)I like it the same way you do. It makes it sound like she's getting five weeks off because she's losing her job, and she's trying to look at the bright side. None of the other permutations convey that.

Of course, that may not be at all what you're trying to convey. :D

[Bufty]

I hope it makes sense in context because on its own, no matter how it's punctuated, it doesn't read well to me and neither do I understand the character's question.

[Jamesaritchie]

May I ask why?

Would the context change your thought on that?

Because to me
"When would she ever have five weeks off in a row while she would, in fact, remain employed."

sounds clunky and not how people would talk.

You're right. "While" does not belong in this sentence. "Where" is perfectly fine, especially since you begin the sentence with "when."

Just drop the first comma, and I think you have a fine sentence.

[sassandgroove]

I like it the same way you do. It makes it sound like she's getting five weeks off because she's losing her job, and she's trying to look at the bright side. None of the other permutations convey that.

Of course, that may not be at all what you're trying to convey. :D
She isn't losing her job. THat's the point. She's going to have 5 weeks off and still be employed.

I just wanted to know if I needed commas around, "in fact." I didn't know this would be so complicated.

Alright, I am not at home, so I can't paste the paragraph.

She is contemplating taking a mega-roadtrip becuase it occurred to her that the preschool where she teaches is closed for 5 weeks in the summer. One of her reasons for doing it in the coming summer is that she doesn't know if she'll still be teaching there in the summer after next.

[sassandgroove]

You're right. "While" does not belong in this sentence. "Where" is perfectly fine, especially since you begin the sentence with "when."

Just drop the first comma, and I think you have a fine sentence.
So, just to be clear, are you saying it is ok like this?

When would she ever have five weeks off in a row where she was in fact still employed?

[Roger J Carlson]

If 4 of the 7 people here who read that sentence thought it was clunky, there's a good chance the average reader will think so, too. And while they're trying to unravel what you meant, the thread of the story is lost. Bears consideration.

[sassandgroove]

That is true, Roger. Very true.

I'm using a real life experience for a fiction story. I used to teach preschool and I had 5 weeks off and took a mega road trip. I've used that sentence in conversation, well, except it was, "I."

When will I have five weeks off again where I am in fact still employed.

But I guess in conversation, with inflection or whatever, it comes across better than in writing. I'll tinker with it.

Sometimes it is hard to let go.

[Voyager]

What other job would give her the chance to take five weeks off and still remain employed?

[KTC]

I just have to say this. Comma Comma Comma Comma Comma Commelian. Proceed.

[Voyager]

I just have to say this. Comma Comma Comma Comma Comma Commelian. Proceed.

Yes, but are you wearing the makeup and the hat?

[KTC]

That is true, Roger. Very true.

I'm using a real life experience for a fiction story. I used to teach preschool and I had 5 weeks off and took a mega road trip. I've used that sentence in conversation, well, except it was, "I."

When will I have five weeks off again where I am in fact still employed.

But I guess in conversation, with inflection or whatever, it comes across better than in writing. I'll tinker with it.

Sometimes it is hard to let go.

Sometimes I write characters that talk that way, too, sis...so I can totally see it. Made sense to me. Kind of 40s style...long splendid dialoguey.

[sassandgroove]

What other job would give her the chance to take five weeks off and still remain employed?
Could work. Thanks.

[sassandgroove]

How about?

When would she ever have five weeks off in a row and actually still be employed?

[Voyager]

I'm thinking that the word again needs to be in there somehow, but it could just be me...again. :D

[KTC]

would five straight weeks off work in place of five weeks off in a row? Just wondering out loud...with my fingers.

[sassandgroove]

OK:

When would she have five straight weeks off again where she would actually still be employed?

[Voyager]

When would she ever have five weeks off again while still remaining employed? Please don't hit me.

[sassandgroove]

:DThis could go on for evah! LOCK THREAD.




(Don't really. Please. Thanks)

[KTC]

lol. This is too funny. Maybe you should write your 7 favourite and start a pole.

[KTC]

When would she ever be able to take five weeks off in a row again.

[Voyager]

Are you married to the, in fact? I think you could lose it without taking anything away from the sentence. It seems more essential to stress that she may not have the opportunity again.

[sassandgroove]

At first I thought you were asking if I was married to KTC. My brain is off today. No, if you notice, I didn't have 'in fact' in the last couple versions, in fact.

[KTC]

When would she ever be able to take five weeks off in a row again.


That's very good, Kevin, but how about this?

When, in fact, would she ever be able to take five weeks off in a row again.

[KTC]

At first I thought you were asking if I was married to KTC. My brain is off today. No, if you notice, I didn't have 'in fact' in the last couple versions, in fact.

In fact, I did notice.

And, ewwww. Mom would freak. And it would have to happen in Vegas...which wouldn't be all that bad?

[Voyager]

Where and when, oh when, would she in fact and indeed ever get the chance to take a whirlwind, five week trek across this great land of ours and still manage to remain employed in such gainful employment...again?

[KTC]

Where and when, oh when, would she in fact and indeed ever get the chance to take a whirlwind, five week trek across this great land of ours and still manage to remain employed in such gainful employment...again?

Have you ever considered entering the purple prose contest?

[KTC]

And how dare you call me a minimalist!!!!!


Wait a minute. That's exactly what I want to be called, as a writer. Wait. As a writer, that's exactly what I want to be called.

[Voyager]

And how dare you call me a minimalist!!!!!


Wait a minute. That's exactly what I want to be called, as a writer. Wait. As a writer, that's exactly what I want to be called.

I am the anit-Kevin.

[KTC]

I am the anit-Kevin.

I'm afraid of what will happen if JudasPeaches reads that line...

[Voyager]

wtf is an anit? Who's the doof...oh

[Jamesaritchie]

Four out of five people always think any sentence in question is clunky. Go ahead, write any sentence, and I can find bazillions of people who hate it. Fortunately, readers aren't asked. Because they aren't asked, they usually think sentences are just fine as is.

The trouble with asking is that you may actually believe those who think something is wrong. If it sounds right to your ear, leave it alone. Asking will only give you a thousand variation, most of which are just awful, even if everyone loves them.

[Voyager]

"Why?" she wondered.

[sassandgroove]

Thanks James. you are right, one could endlessly tinker. BUt i do think I came out of this with a better sentence. Thanks everyone! :D:D

[Voyager]

Thanks James. you are right, one could endlessly tinker. BUt i do think I came out of this with a better sentence. Thanks everyone! :D:D

And started a whole new game, to boot.

[sassandgroove]

I missed my chance! I should have said:

Thanks James. You are, in fact, right.

:ROFL: