Nice to meet you, and I'm an idiot.

Spiral Stairs · Oct 24, 2007

As an excuse for making my first post, let me tell you how I have conclusively established my idiocy in the last week, during which time I have sent out my first-ever queries.

- I sent queries to two agents at same agency. I don't know if this makes it better or worse, but it wasn't an accident. For one agent, I added something to the effect of, "By the way, I also submitted to your colleague, Joe Blow. I hope that's okay." I kept the other agent in the dark. Why? Because I am an idiot.

- In ALL of my e-queries (about 12 or so), I failed to include my zip code in my contact information. (Here's hoping they all want to use e-mail to send me my inevitable rejections and don't even look at the address block.)

- I have received one request for a partial, which I have sent out. I did not include a SASE. As I read posts on this board, I realize that including a SASE is de rigueur. (Nor did I do more esoteric but helpful things like write "Requested Materials Enclosed" on the envelope or include a copy of my query.)

- Plus, while not a mistake per se, I have decided that my query letter sucks. How do I know that? Because here I am, FOUR WHOLE DAYS after starting this process, and I still cannot find my book at Barnes & Noble. So it's either the suckiness of my query, or the fact that I am an idiot. I'm taking even odds.

melaniehoo · Oct 24, 2007

Welcome to AW. Hopefully you can learn some helpful advice here on the writing forums. Good luck!

PeeDee · Oct 24, 2007

You suck.

Wait! That's not what I meant!

I meant that they are mistakes, but they aren't nearly the end of the world. Honest.

Also, it can sometimes take up to seven days to get your book in Barnes & Noble. And sometimes it takes almost nine days to be Number 1 on the NYT bestseller list. Disgusting, I know.

Welcome to the boards. Here's a cup of tea.

MarkEsq · Oct 24, 2007

Four days? Wow, what a loser.

Hey, one of the reasons you, and everyone else, first came to this board was because you didn't know how to do it all correctly, all of the time. I have learned a ton from posting and reading here. Don't beat yourself up for the mistakes, just try and fix them and not repeat them. It sounds like you are on the right track, a request for a partial means you are doing something right, so do it even righter and you'll be #1 on the NYT list by the weekend!

wyntermoon · Oct 24, 2007

The good news is that you've found AW.
The bad news is you've met PeeDee.

Try not to hold that against us.

III · Oct 24, 2007

This place needs some dumbing-down. I'm tired of pulling all the weight. Glad to have you around, Spiral.

Ziljon · Oct 24, 2007

You're a very entertaining idiot. Welcome!
(btw, I am disgusting.)

preyer · Oct 24, 2007

nine whole daze? jeesh, why even bother if it takes that long? well, since fame and fortune is guaranteed, i guess i can bang out a few more novels while i wait. oh, how i suffer for my art!

Shadow_Ferret · Oct 24, 2007

Wow. You are an idi... *notices PeeDee shaking his head* id da right place. Yeah. You're id da right place.

Don't mind me, I'm coming down with a cold.

*glances at PeeDee who gives him the thumbs up*

Welcome aboard. You can hang your duncecap over there.

*PeeDee slaps his forehead*

joyce · Oct 24, 2007

I was sooooooo ignorant to this whole process before I found AW. Someone was looking out for me when I stumbled in here by accident. My first novel was submitted all wrong and my query letter sucked. I've learned so much from being here. Don't beat yourself up for not knowing how the process works. Chalk it up as experience. Good luck with your writing.

preyer · Oct 24, 2007

at least SS didn't forget to send the hookers. you *did* send the hookers, right?

ORION · Oct 24, 2007

Well don't worry. As long as you used the pink perfumed paper with the glitter you'll do fine...

Red-Green · Oct 24, 2007

If I may borrow from that venerable purveyor of junk (and therefore surely a patron saint of novelists) Fred Sanford: "Lamont, ya big dummy."

Rest assured that most of us have made similarly or exponentially more heinous errors. Good news: in the grand scheme of things, it won't be a blip on your querying radar in another month.

Wraith · Oct 24, 2007

Hey, I love spiral staircases!

:snoopy:

Ahem. You're in the right place. Here everyone who isn't an idiot likes to act like one. For the fun of it.

But I can't believe that you didn't consider the third option: everyone in the publishing industry is out to get you. I mean, they are. Really. Four days? They sure like their new writers hard-boiled.

As long as you write, you'll be fine. Glad to have you here.

scarletpeaches · Oct 24, 2007

III said:
This place needs some dumbing-down. I'm tired of pulling all the weight. Glad to have you around, Spiral.

Ignoer hym, he's an idyut who can't speel.

Weclome! :TheWave:

KTC · Oct 24, 2007

You're not an idiot...but I do find you lovably quirky. (that's a good thing)

My advice. Get the package together on a table...spread it all out and have a checklist with EVERYTHING on it that you want in the package. Even the mundane. Yes...have a checklist spot for your Zip Code. Check off everything and pile it all together. THEN check it all again from the pile...double check the entire works. Then put it in your mailing envelope and seal it and ship it.

Checklist:

Name
Street Address
City, State
Zip Code
Dear _____________ (Make sure it's addressed to the right person!)
Cover Letter
Query Letter
Synopsis
Submission
Etc
Etc

Why can I name these things off the top of my head...because I actually do this. I've made a few mistakes in my time...and after I thought I checked everything to make sure I was thorough. I compiled a checklist to keep myself accurate and shameless. I don't have the checklist here, otherwise I would post it. But I included all the important things and all the things that seem mundane on my list.

Good luck with your next one.

KTC · Oct 24, 2007

By the way, your username reminds me of a great Siouxsie Sioux song:

The Staircase Mystery

Staircase lying face up
Stair cat sat on a mat
Looking down
Slide down the banister
Take the escalator
Slide down the banister
Or try the elevator
I was standing on the landing
Now I'm standing in the hall
Looking up

Won't someone assist me
Solve this mystery
Somebody assist me
Arrange the symmetry
Muffled footsteps on the carpet

Spiral steps start spinning
Around me
Which floor which ceiling
You're off balance
Which floor which ceiling
It's all upside down
Staircase lying face up
Stair cat sat on a mat
Looking down...

Just saying...

OctoberRain · Oct 24, 2007

Spiral, I'm glad I found this board. I was amazed at how much I did not know.

Nice to meet you and welcome!

CaroGirl · Oct 24, 2007

Nice to meet you too. I love it when people who aren't me prove that they're human too.

Welcome.

mikeland · Oct 24, 2007

Is this the Idiot Support Group?

Hi, I'm Mike. And I'm an idiot.

All: Hiiiiiiiii, Miiiiiiiiike.

So, just to solidify my status and prove that I belong, I must admit that I never provide a snail mail address when I e-query. Am I violating some protocol here? I figure that if they want to reject an equery, they'll either email or ignore it. If they want more, I'll get an email or a phone call (although so far all my requests for pages have been emails). Am I off-base here?

c.e.lawson · Oct 24, 2007

Thanks for posting this. I'm sure you've helped a lot of fellow idiots today, before we make the same mistakes. Those types of mistakes are typically the sort of thing that I would do, though I've not yet sent anything out, so I appreciate your candor! Good luck. And welcome!

c.e.

a_sharp · Oct 24, 2007

Hey, Spiral, welcome on board.

Y'know, all is not lost. I could use my considerable publishing industry influence to help you make it right with the double-agent thing. Just tell me who they are and I'll send an email to both explaining that you were on one of your wild drunks that mostly don't interfere with your work or deadlines.

We at AW offer that kind of support, and we don't even charge for it. You'd be amazed at how much we don't know. Did I say that right?

Spiral Stairs · Oct 24, 2007

Thanks for all the welcomes. This is obviously a place where an idiot like me can feel perfectly at home. Wait. That didn't come out right.

KTC said:
By the way, your username reminds me of a great Siouxsie Sioux song:
[snip]

Interesting. I don't know that one. Spiral Stairs was the nom de guitar of a member of Pavement. I noticed that another user here is named Shady Lane, a likely reference to one of my favorite Pavement songs.

RainbowDragon · Oct 24, 2007

Don't worry, it could be worse--you could have called them to say you have the next great international bestseller at 300,000 words and what's their fax number?

I'd let the first two ride (if it's any consolation, they probably wouldn't have responded anyway, statistically speaking). As for the partial request (4 days and a partial request? Way to go!) if the agent's been in touch by e-mail you might e-mail back and mention you sent the materials (and did they get them?) and by the way I may have forgotten to include a SASE, but an e-mail response is acceptable (if it is) or I'd be glad to send one if it can still be attached to the partial.

Those who say they don't respond without a SASE mean no form rejection without a SASE. If they like it, they won't let 40 cents stand in their way.

Good luck!

Azraelsbane · Oct 24, 2007

Welcome to the boards.

The important thing is that you've learned your lesson on said idiocies. Everybody makes mistakes, but those who learn from them are few and far between.

Also, take heart in the fact that you were asked for a partial. Obviously your query isn't as bad as mine. So far everyone has politely told me to screw off.

Nice to meet you, and I'm an idiot.

And thus we begin the edits

Where's my tea, please...?

Clever title pending.

rockin the suburbs

Tortilla di Patate

excessively spartan

Court Jester

I'm really shy...

excessively spartan

Sailed away years ago

KoalaKoalaKoala!

The demon in your inkwell.

Stand in the Place Where You Live

Stand in the Place Where You Live

I triple dog dare you.

Living the dream

Call me Pookie

Somebody give me an A

Perpetuous Revisasaurus

Agony is defeat