Rate this scene

[Caroyles]

This is an opening scene I wrote. It might sound as bad as the first draft of "Rate this dialogue" , so hope you guys don't mind. Thanks for reading/commenting.


FADE IN:
INT. FABER'S HOUSE, ALLY'S ROOM - NIGHT

The room looks partially empty. A couple of video game posters
decorates the wall. The environment of the room is stale.

ALLY MYSTIC, 21, a good-looking woman who doesn't wear make-ups
nor does she bother to tie her hair. She shuts her bag and zips
it. It seems like she didn't bring a lot with her.

FADE TO:

INT. FABER'S HOUSE, KITCHEN - NIGHT(2 YEARS EARLIER)

JASMINE FABER, 41, an average-looking housewife sits at the
dinner table with her husband BRUCE FABER, 42, a stern looking
man who is Ally's step-father and SKYLAND FABER, 8.

JASMINE
What do you plan to do?

ALLY
(in-significantly)
I don't know...get a job?

JASMINE
What's wrong with you Ally?

ALLY
Nothing.

JASMINE
You weren't like that in the past. You were
a top student, cheerful, friendly, and
talkative. What happened to the Ally I once
knew? Where did she go?

ALLY
(a beat)
I don't remember being a top student nor do
I remember being cheerful, friendly and
talkative. I only remember....never mind.

JASMINE
Come on Ally, tell me. Tell me what is it?

ALLY
(sigh)
I will tell you when I feel the time is
right.

Ally stands up. Bruce stands up and confronts her.

BRUCE
Are you testing our patience?

ALLY
(a beat)
I don't wish to start another fight.

BRUCE
Be glad that we are not punishing you for
getting such poor results.

ALLY
I really don't care if you punish me or not.

BRUCE
You...

Bruce gives Ally a tight slap. Jasmine tries to stop it but she
isn't fast enough. Ally doesn't feel a wink of pain

ALLY
Can I go now?

JASMINE
Bruce, why did you do that?

BRUCE
I can't stand her arrogance.

Ally is about to leave the scene.

JASMINE
Ally.

Ally turns back.

ALLY
I will get a job. I will get my pay. Then I
will get out of here. That's all I'm going
to say.

She left, heading towards her bedroom.

FADE TO:

INT. FABER'S HOUSE, BATHROOM - NIGHT(PRESENT)

Ally, lost in thought, snaps out of it. She looks at the
mirror.

ALLY
Am I doing the right thing?

No answer.

ALLY
Of course I am doing the right thing...I
really hate myself...

There is a knock on the door.

SKYLAND
Elle, I need to pee.

ALLY
(annoyed)
Does it always have to be in this bathroom?

SKYLAND
Yes.

ALLY
I am a bit busy right now.

SKYLAND
If I wait, I will pee in my pants.
(a beat)
Please.

ALLY
Oh great.

Ally opens the door.

SKYLAND
Thanks.

Skyland enters the bathroom. Ally is just about to leave when...

SKYLAND
Wait.

ALLY
What?

Skyland simply stares.

ALLY
Ok...ok I will stay here.

SKYLAND
Thanks.

Skyland closes the bathroom door. Ally stands outside. There's a
moment of silence.

SKYLAND(OS)
Oh crap!

ALLY
What now?

SKYLAND(OS)
My pee won't come out.

ALLY
And?

SKYLAND(OS)
Can you like whistle a tune or something so
that I can er...pee?

ALLY
No way.

SKYLAND
Please...My pee is choking down here.

ALLY
Can you stop exaggerating?

SKYLAND
(tries to whistle but fails)
I would do it myself if I can but I can't
whistle. Please...I will let you take teddy
monkey.

Ally considers the offer. She accepts it and starts to whistle.
In a moment, a sound of water clashing can be heard. It's a sign
of relief.

SKYLAND
...You can stop now.

A flushing sound is heard. Skyland opens the door.

SKYLAND
Thanks.

An awkward moment.

ALLY
What? Do you have something to say to me?

SKYLAND
No...I will put the monkey in your room. A
present from me.

Skyland leaves the scene. Ally enters the bathroom, stares at
the mirror and sighs.

[vig]

The room looks partially empty. A couple of video game posters
decorates the wall. The environment of the room is stale.


personally i would have stopped at this point. that's not how you handle prose.

your dialogue is so on the nose it rivals jack and jill went up the hill.

in all honesty, your writing is terrible, boring. just plain wrong.

as far as you speaking the language, you're fine. but as far as writing, you have absolutely no chance at this point. it's like a fifth grader wrote this.

vig

[vig]

and another thing. i've read dozens of writers on the net, and i'm being gender specific when i say this, that every single female writer i know, every last one, and this pisses me off to no end, writes like they are a women.

everyone. why does every goddam women in the world have to write, she looks in the miirror and sighs.... I'M SICK OF THE GODDA WOMEN SIGHING.

can't a women do something else other than sigh. maybe in real life if women sighed less they might sell more freaking scripts.

vig

[dpaterso]

Caroyles, I don't know how much you read, but methinks you could do with reading more, a lot more. If you're not already reading other sample pages on this board and on DD then consider doing so -- analyze the dialogue, the reader comments and the writer responses, so you build up a better understanding of writing. Don't be afraid to post your own comments in the other message threads, especially if there's anything you don't understand and want explained. At this stage in your writing curve, it's possible that you may learn more from reading and analyzing than from writing more of your own pages.

-Derek
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)