Help me Substitute a Word

Sunkissed27f · Oct 7, 2007

[FONT=&quot]It was foggy and slightly windy; the waves were kicking up foam and spray.

[/FONT]

The beach shimmered with the early morning sun, as Emma went for her daily jog. The sand barked under her tennis shoes as she slowed to a walk. Seagulls cawed and circled lazily in the hazy air. It was foggy and slightly windy; the waves were kicking up foam and spray.

[FONT=&quot]

I just don't like "it" in the beginning of the sentence.
[/FONT]

ETA: It can be foggy and still be sunny at the beach.
I was hoping people reading the paragraph won't think it weird to have a sunny beach that is foggy. LOL

JoniBGoode · Oct 7, 2007

Actually, I think it's fine with "it." You could substitute "The beach" or "The day" but I don't think it's much of an improvement.

I don't like "the waves were kicking up foam and spray", though. I'd prefer "the waves kicked up foam (OR spray. To me they're basically the same thing.)

Also, to be totally anal...would the waves kick up spray if it is only slightly windy? Doesn't it take a pretty strong wind to produce that effect?

Just my .02

Ol' Fashioned Girl · Oct 7, 2007

The day was foggy and slightly windy, with waves kicking up foam and spray.

Sunkissed27f · Oct 7, 2007

LOL, I have lived at the beach for several years.

It can be a clear, 0 degree winds day, and be wavy and foamy.

Foam to me is the white cruddy stuff on top.
Spray is the mist coming off the waves hitting the beach.

I like your .02, though.
Thanks.

sneakers145 · Oct 7, 2007

How does the beach shimmer in the sun if it's foggy? If fog is over land and water sun, or sun is over land but fog over water, it need clarification. Here it seems as if you forgot it was sunny so made it foggy.

It was... = passive
The waves were = passive
as x 2 = repetitive.

aadams73 · Oct 7, 2007

Wind whipped the fog; waves kicked up foam and spray.

Sunkissed27f · Oct 7, 2007

Ol' Fashioned Girl said:
The day was foggy and slightly windy, with waves kicking up foam and spray.

GMTI....I just reworded it that way.

LOL

Thanks!

Sunkissed27f · Oct 7, 2007

sneakers145 said:
How does the beach shimmer in the sun if it's foggy? If fog is over land and water sun, or sun is over land but fog over water, it need clarification. Here it seems as if you forgot it was sunny so made it foggy.

It was... = passive
The waves were = passive
as x 2 = repetitive.

I get your point.

I guess I was writing from experience, having seen a shimmery beach, even when it was foggy/misty out.

Sunkissed27f · Oct 7, 2007

Revised:

The beach was misty in the early morning, as Emma went for her daily jog. The sand barked under her tennis shoes as she slowed to a walk. Seagulls cawed and circled lazily in the hazy sky. The day was foggy and slightly windy, with waves kicking up foam and spray.

wordmonkey · Oct 7, 2007

T'was...

or

And lo, the day was...

or

Verily, yonder day was...

a_sharp · Oct 7, 2007

What you have here is a good start on lovely imagery. You're capturing a mood. I've had my way with it below:

A mist hovered along the beach in the early morning as Emma set out on her daily jog. The sand barked under her tennis shoes, and seagulls cawed and circled lazily in the hazy sky, plying the light wind that kicked up foam and spray from the wave tops.

It's not the best, but it catches all your great visual and sonic ingredients. As an exercise, not always but usually, I try to avoid starting a sentence with "the" and see what happens. What I did above was take the action you already had and reverse the phrase order to eliminate passive voice. Also, your original has "as Emma went" and "as she slowed" twice in one short paragraph.

I frequently write the same as your first post, just to get the imagery down. Then I edit for better flow and stronger description. It's a process, right?

Sunkissed27f · Oct 7, 2007

Hmmmm....thanks!

These are very helpful!

PeeDee · Oct 7, 2007

*cough cough cough cough*

sneakers145 · Oct 7, 2007

PeeDee, you should really give up those cigarettes. They're making you cough...

PeeDee · Oct 7, 2007

You're right, I should find someplace to talk about that.

Sunkissed27f · Oct 7, 2007

Are you implying I should have put this there?
I know you had mentioned it on another thread, so I knew it existed.
I couldn't find that thread though.
FYI....I wasn't sure...I did look around and figured wth....here will do just as well!

Joycecwilliams · Oct 7, 2007

Sunkissed27f said:
[FONT=&quot]It was foggy and slightly windy; the waves were kicking up foam and spray.

The fog blew in on a slight wind while the waves kicked up spray and foam.

FennelGiraffe · Oct 7, 2007

More than you asked for, but looking at your revised version I still see a couple of issues.

Sunkissed27f said:
The beach was misty in the early morning, as Emma went for her daily jog. The sand barked under her tennis shoes as she slowed to a walk. Seagulls cawed and circled lazily in the hazy sky. The day was foggy and slightly windy, with waves kicking up foam and spray.

The beach was misty ... The day was foggy
This is NOT passive, it's a copula, but copulas are weak. A copula describes a state or condition, not an action. You can't avoid them altogether -- sometimes they're necessary -- but twice in such a brief passage might be too much.

as Emma went ... as she slowed
There's nothing wrong with the construction "this happened as that happened". However, having two sentences in a row with that structure gives a rather sing-songy effect.

Sunkissed27f · Oct 7, 2007

A warm mist hung over the beach as Emma finished her early morning jog. The sand barked under her tennis shoes when she slowed to a walk. Seagulls cawed and circled lazily in the hazy sky. The day was slightly windy, with waves kicking up foam and spray.

I changed it a bit...I will just leave it for now.

LOL

Help me Substitute a Word

Sunkissed27f

JoniBGoode

Ol' Fashioned Girl

Hand? What hand?

Sunkissed27f

sneakers145

aadams73

A Work in Progress

Sunkissed27f

Sunkissed27f

Sunkissed27f

wordmonkey

ook

a_sharp

Somebody give me an A

Sunkissed27f

PeeDee

Where's my tea, please...?

sneakers145

PeeDee

Where's my tea, please...?

Sunkissed27f

Joycecwilliams

FennelGiraffe

It's green they say

Sunkissed27f