Is This a Poem?

[Unique]

Or is it just some words on paper (now in pixels!)


You think the stone is hard
because it sharpens the knife
Until you hold the stone in your palm
and consider whence it came
You remember the water and
the cliffs created
as the water wore away the stone
So which is harder
the water, the stone, or the steel?



To me, it sorta seems like one. But not. What do you think? It was written long hand on narrow paper so ... maybe the breaks are throwing me?

(if this is in the wrong place, please let me know where you moved it. I get lost easily)

[P.H.Delarran]

Fells like a poem to me. I'd lose the periods though.
Where'd you find it?

[Unique]

Out in the barn.

I was sharpening a knife and it came to me.
Quite insistently since I still haven't finished the knife. :D

I'll think about the periods. You see any words that need trimming?
Is this one of those prose poem things or do I need to put it away for
a while?

Maybe it's not done yet. It seems good - but it doesn't seem quite right
somehow.
maybe.
kinda-sorta

[P.H.Delarran]

LOL-you spoke of it in the third person, like it was written by a ghost ...
Throw it up on the critique board and see what comments you get.

[Unique]

I'll think about tha (http://www.squirrelly.org/photos/misc/chicken.jpg)t, too.

[P.H.Delarran]

Bwawk Bwawk

[poetinahat]

Call it a poem, submit it, and let's talk about it.

Then fly over to Sydney and come see Laurie Anderson with me at the Opera House this month.

[Unique]

Oh, Gawd! I'd love to do that! er ... the Opera House ... Laurie...

submit? is that like surrender?:flag:

[plnelson]

Or is it just some words on paper (now in pixels!)


You think the stone is hard
because it sharpens the knife.
Until you hold the stone in your palm
and consider whence it came.
You remember the water
and the cliffs created
as the water wore away the stone.
So which is harder
the water, the stone, or the steel?


This thread really belongs in one of the critique forums, but in answer to your question, almost anything can be called a "poem" so that's not a useful question. A more useful question is whether it's a "good" poem. I've seen some horrible, egregious stuff published by real publishers. Last year in Paris my poetry workshop attended a reading by a prominent poet and all of us, including the teacher, could hardly eat our dinner afterwards because we were laughing so much about it. Your poem is way better than that.

I write poems from 2 directions. I either start with a concept and try to find words for it, or I start with words (some texture or rhythm, say) and try to give them a conceptual structure.

In this case you've got a good concept, so now play with words. Try:

1. Taking out some articles
2. Create some word textures that suggest the textures of the stone, knife, or water, i.e., sharp words for knife, flowing ones for water, etc.)
3. Look for opportunities for alliteration or internal rhymes.
4. Decide what rhythm you want, and see if you can make it all consistent.
5. I met a poetry editor this summer who said most editors don't like question marks (my poems also tend to use question marks). See if there's a way to end with the same conundrum without the question mark.

I might steal your concept and write 4 haikus - a water haiku, a stone haiku, and a knife haiku, and a fourth haiku that expresses the conundrum. The fourth one will be the hardest one (in both sense of hard).

... or maybe I'll do this with "paper, scissors, stone".

[P.H.Delarran]

hot damn pl, iIm looking for you next time I need constructive feedback.

[plnelson]

Oh, Gawd! I'd love to do that! er ... the Opera House ... Laurie...

submit? is that like surrender?:flag:

Yes.

[Unique]

This thread really belongs in one of the critique forums.

And therein lies the dilemma. I wasn't looking for a critique per se - I only wanted to know if it were a poem or something else.

That's why it isn't in the critique forum.

So I guess - 'It won't be a poem til you edit it.' (take out words)

'It won't be an essay until you edit it.' (add more words)

'Whatever it is, it doesn't sound finished.' (hide it for six months & try again)

It's just one of those weird things. I liked it okay but ... what the hell is it?

Thanks for your input. I'll look into the punctuation and the articles and poke it and prod it and mark it with a 'B' and see if it tells me just what it wants to be.
(burma shave)

[plnelson]

Thanks for your input. I'll look into the punctuation and the articles and poke it and prod it and mark it with a 'B' and see if it tells me just what it wants to be.
(burma shave)

I can't believe you said "burma shave".

I'm in a regular poetry group where every week we bring in a poem and critique each others' work . . .

. . . BTW, editorial aside - everybody here should be in a poetry group! There is no better way to improve your poetry than to write something and submit it to other poets every week for a close reading, and to help critique others' work. It's better than doing it online because the fact that you meet every week obligates you to bring something to the table both poetically and critically, so it imposes a discipline on the process. If I'm sitting at the table and everyone around me is coming up with all kinds of stuff and I'm drawing a blank it makes me have to think harder! If we can have a poetry group up in the wilds of New Hampshire with moose poking their noses through the library windows and bears prowling the parking lot then you can do it anywhere!
OK, I'm exaggerating a little bit, but Nashua does get some nasty traffic jams around the big shopping malls, so it's not a walk in the park.

. . . anyway, I brought a poem last week that had "burma shave" in it, and only two people in my poetry group had any idea what it referred to! I'm telling you - kids today have no sense of poetic history!

[davids]

I think it is lovely but more to the point why would it not be a poem? There are triolets and Chevrolets-one is a car and frankly for me at least the other is whatever the hell it is!

This is a poem that could be whatever you want it to be! Be happy it is purdy and poignant and beautifully written and that is nice right?

[Rich]

It's a poem.

[poetinahat]

Somewhere, my folks have a book of all the old Burma-Shave ditties.

Tom Waits does a fabulous song called Burma-Shave, but it's nothing to do with the signs.

[plnelson]

Somewhere, my folks have a book of all the old Burma-Shave ditties.

Tom Waits does a fabulous song called Burma-Shave, but it's nothing to do with the signs.

Here's a whole bunch (http://www.fiftiesweb.com/burma1.htm).

.

[scarletpeaches]

Why doesn't it rhyme? :(

[Unique]

Why doesn't it rhyme? :(

I knew you were going to say that.

Just for that - I'm gonna make one up just for you. ;)
Rhyme Time for Peaches, coming soon to a thread new you.

[scarletpeaches]

Now I are happy. :)

[nerds]

I LOVED that. It was a poem to me.

For me, if it falls on my ear and into my mind smoothly and clearly, if I have been clearly communicated with visually and emotionally, then, well, it's good writing. Communication between writer and reader. Your poem does that, and beautifully.

Probably just take the periods out, I would think, because they interrupt the nice flow. Other than that, STET! imho.

It's lovely. Thanks for sharing it.

:)

[mkcbunny]

I would consider breaking it after
came
stone

After that, the upper/lowercase might change, but I felt like those were places where it needed to breathe.

Yes, it's a poem. :)

[plnelson]

Why doesn't it rhyme? :(

I hope this question is facetious.

[NeuroFizz]

a slow-motion instant
sealed in the cellophane
of thought
put in words
that sing and dance
to me
no sulfurous poof
is required to prove
its poetry
it's poetry