CANVASS 7-13

[randesq]

EXT. IMPORT/EXPORT WHAREHOUSE – DAY

The sound of planes taking off litters the background.

A muscled TRANSFER AGENT pushes a wooden crate on a dolly. Stenciled: WESTERN AFRICA.

TRANSFER AGENT
You gonna be able to handle this
Mr. Sensoir?

Armani clad ARI SENSOIR, (40), waify and bronzed is taken
back by the size of the crate.

ARI
There must be some mistake.

The transfer agent looks down at his clipboard.

TRANSFER AGENT
Nope. Got two more in the back like
it. Says Cynthia’s Gallery on the stamp -

A confused nod. Ari signs the slip.


EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

Ari confides to a head stone.

CYNTHIA SENSOIR 1945-1998 "Beloved Friend"

ARI
I’m moving farther into the abyss, Cynthia.

OS: A hacking cough interrupts. Ari cranes around.
Twenty headstones back; a chiseled Chinese man with
dreads, TREACH (30’s), tries to choke down a hit.

TREACH
Sorry. Test driving new sh1t.
Training wheels are wobbling.

ARI
Could I have a moment.

TREACH
(still coughing)
Your business is secondary.

ARI
It's her birthday today.

Treach chokes on one monster toke.

TREACH
(inhaling)
For your flower
(held breath)
one more minute.

Ari turns back to the headstone. Treach walks choking on
his exhale.

ARI
. . . I’m . . . I’m sorry.

Ari lifts a rock from his pocket, then rests it on the
headstone. In the distance -

Treach opens the van door; stacked wooden crates. ‘Cynthia’s Gallery’

INT. WHITESTONE’S PENTHOUSE - DAY

Detective SARKIN ‘BICEP’ ARMAS, (30’s) points at a body’s outline.

BICEP
We've got eight pints there -
The old guy died where he fell.

DETECTIVE STEPHEN WALLACE, (40’s), gray about the temples,
stares down at blood droplets on the polished marble.

BICEP
And small spatter there –

DET. WALLACE
Two shells spent.

Wallace’s eyes jart – Throw Carpet – Old man’s outline – each - blood – droplet TO

The empty frame.

He walks toward it: Jagged ends of canvas fray from the frame. Below the frame, a small brass number – ‘127’

DET. WALLACE
He was all thumbs on this one.

Bicep hands Det. Wallace an open book. Categorized photos of
the masterpieces hanging on the wall.

BICEP
It’s another Yeats.

Wallace studies the photo. Painting # 127: Yeats, 1915 ‘Greystones’.

DET. WALLACE
Why bottom feed when there’s riches
to choose from?

Wallace scans one priceless painting after another TO
a small discolored portion of wall where a painting once hung.

Bicep flips pages in the book.

BICEP
‘186’. A Picasso sketch.

Wallace walks along the wall, eyes roll across canvases.

DET. WALLACE
He always takes something . . .

He stops on a particular portrait, walking toward it.

DET. WALLACE
. . . for himself. What’s the name of
the sketch?

A clean bullet hole through the subjects forehead.

BICEP
Just a note here. ‘Screaming horse’

Wallace puts his pen through the hole in the painting.

DET. WALLACE
Get me what you can on it -

Wallace looks back down to the droplets.

DET. WALLACE
Our spiderman’s carrying the other
one around with him.

INT. DARKENED LOFT - DAY

Blinds squeeze light from the apartment. A hand holds a necklace against a bare chest and bandaged shoulder.

Lean like tension wire, THOMAS CONNOR, (40), stares at ‘Reeds’
on the coffee table. A crumpled masterpiece. His eyes drift TO

A wall to wall surveyors map. Greystones, 1876 stamped in block letters across the top.

Sweeping across the charted divisions of land to one huge area
of white space . . .

EXT. IRISH MANOR – GREYSTONES, IRELAND - DAY

SUPER: April 21, 1916

On a stone terrace, JACK BUTLER YEATS (40’s) paints the landscape. Ronan sits beside, soaking up the sun.

YEATS
You see, art transcends time.
Footprints for the culturally
devoid.

RONAN
What’s that mean?

‘Reeds’ comes alive under crisp brushstrokes.

Rail thin, PADRAIC PLUNKETT (40’s), enters through the open
patio doors.

PADRAIC
Okay Ronan, leave him to his work.
So he might concentrate more on his
canvas than his philosophy.

RONAN
Yes, father.

He stops Ronan.

PADRAIC
The future belongs to those who
command the present. Keep that here.
(touches his forehead)
And here.

His hand tenderly pats Ronan’s heart. Ronan collapses into
his father; a giant hug.

PADRAIC
Make it apart of your fabric.
(giant squeeze)
Now, go help your mum out.

Ronan disappears within the bowels of the manor. Padraic
looks out over the Marsh and beyond, land stretches across
the horizon.

Yeats’ canvas exactly matches Padriac’s view.

YEATS
I’m as drawn to your passions as your
landscapes.

PADRAIC
Well, Greystones may never again be
so tranquil.

A measured silence. Yeats stops painting. Birds skim through
the reeds.

PADRAIC
Our voice is to be carried to Dublin.

And you must finish your work.

YEATS
And you? When it starts . . .

Yeats walks up beside Padraic.

YEATS
They’ll surely know who stood behind it.

PADRAIC
Don’t we all stand behind it?

They stare out over the reeds and beyond, dark clouds choke the horizon . . .

INT. 'THE VOODOO LOUNGE' – NEW YORK CITY - DAY

Down a row of empty, high back booths to the mother of all booths. Inside HARVEY HERBSTEIN,(40’s), jacked on steroids,
his head to small for his body, drinks a shake.

HARVEY
Jesus Christopher Columbus, it’s the
pimple on my ***.

Harvey pounds the shake, wincing. Ari sits.

ARI
There were three crates -

BAM. Harvey slams Ari in the chest with a backhand.
Ari keels over, gasping for air.

HARVEY
The crates are getting larger. I
can’t, I’m a prom queen. I can’t.
I can’t. I can’t. I can’t -

Harvey plucks Ari’s trachea between his thumb and forefinger, pinching.

HARVEY
You got three more drops, then you
can be whomever it is, you fancy
yourself to be. That’s our arrangement.

Harvey opens another can, tasting it like a fine wine.
Smacking his lips. Ari struggles for composure.

HARVEY
Ahtt-ahtt, that’s ok. Save the breath
for breathing. I don’t need any more
**** tumbling out of your head.

Harvey lays his head on the table, meeting Ari’s perspective.
A vein bulging whisper.

HARVEY
Just make sure you keep picking up those
crates.
(suddenly nice)
And I’ll need a few tickets for your piece
of ***’s fundraiser.

[vig]

i may be bias, cause you're related to me... but we all know that's not the truth cause i'm ten times harder on your writing than anybody else's.... but this was good.

i like the transitions, the characters and think you did a bang up job on the first 13. bravo. let's see what else you got. and remember, fear is never knowing what could have been? good stuff.

i still have my apprehensions on the chineses, dreadlocked pot smoker, treach... if that ever gets cast i'll eat my socks. come to think of it, if this ever gets made, i'll 'my' socks.

vig

[sarajb]

I’m not sure what the bigger picture is with regards to the Yeats paintings and I don’t need to, yet, but the spot where Mr. Whitestone is grilling the thief would be a good place to add more intrigue. As written Whitestone seems to go on and on without purpose, which slows the pace.

Crude shortened example:

MR. WHITESTONE
You robbed two of my good
friends. Yeats, from them, as well.

Gloved hands makes a slight move –

MR. WHITESTONE
Sit on the floor. Native American
like.

Whitestone steps onto a large throw carpet. He studies the
thief down the barrel of the gun.

Gestures toward the drooped canvas.

MR. WHITESTONE
Jack Butler Yeats is the runt of my litter.
You must have yourself a real woody for him.
Or, someone else does.

The thief sits. Night vision goggles rest on his head,
obscuring our perspective.

THIEF
That . . . that painting helps right a
century of wrongs.

Mr. Whitestone’s eyes narrow. He nods.

MR. WHITESTONE
Lovely. Let me show you how romantic
I can be.

He takes a cell from his pocket, punching 9 - 1 - 1.



I think I mentioned when Vig posted these pages months and months ago, it might add to the tension and make the thief’s action more desperate, and in turn more sympathetic, if Mr. Whitestone said to the operator that the thief was dead, rather than wounded.

Also, Mr. Whitestone makes a point about not waking the neighbors or calling undue attention to the situation with the silencer and dialogue to the operator, but his reasoning seems weak and unnecessary. More like filler than anything that adds to the story. If he had some paintings that were acquired illegally, which could be revealed during the cop scene, it would make more sense and may even work into your story. He would probably have to call security, instead of 911, though.

You made a very good point in the original thread about spine and POV. This story jumps around a lot without a discernable protag or an anchor. Some scene juggling might help, like maybe make the painting the anchor for the first ten and hold off on the Ari scenes, until the painting has set the stage.

I’m sure many of my suggestions may make no sense, not knowing the whole story, but I hope there’s something you can use.


Beyond that, well-written with good colorful characters, imho.

[dpaterso]

My humble opinion, etc. I am not a professional screenwriter.

EXT. IMPORT/EXPORT WHAREHOUSE – DAY

WHOREHOUSE is spelled with an extra "H" but WAREHOUSE isn't.

The sound of planes taking off litters the background.

"litters the background" is a tad arty don'tcha think? Outside, the sound of aircraft engines, airport traffic.

Twenty headstones back; a chiseled Chinese man with
dreads, TREACH (30’s), tries to choke down a hit.

TREACH
Sorry. Test driving new sh1t.
Training wheels are wobbling.

I'm such a naive boy from the sticks that I didn't have a clue what you were talking about on first read -- had to read this a couple of times before things fell into place. Shrug, I guess Hollywood readers will be more familiar with these terms. I wonder if some mention of "his head wreathed in white dope smoke" or similar might clarify? Ignore me.

Detective SARKIN ‘BICEP’ ARMAS, (30’s) points at a body’s outline.

Casual suggestion, "...in the middle of a lake of congealed blood."

Wallace’s eyes jart – Throw Carpet – Old man’s outline – each - blood – droplet TO

jart? dart? Shrug.

Wallace studies the photo. Painting # 127: Yeats, 1915 ‘Greystones’

Just for a confused second you had me thinking, is there some link between Whitestone and Greystones? Shrug, silly thought, just the similarity of the names playing tricks on me.

A clean bullet hole through the subjects forehead.

What's the subject? Are you deliberately obscuring this?

PADRAIC
Make it apart of your fabric.

a part, 2 words (spellchecker immune typo, shrug)

No problems with the rest of this or with the Harvey Weinstein/Ari scene, interesting, readable. Hope it helps, have fun.

-Derek
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

[randesq]

In the days before the easter rebellion, an Irish land baron who built the english ships in Greystones (hence was able to keep his 86,000 acres) secretly funds the rebellion. His soin is Ronan... the yeats paintings are key here. jack Butler Yeats used to paint from the baron's terrace and he painted 5 paintings that hold a secret to the buried wealth of the baron. The secret's been passed down from generation to generation. The secret gets lost when Ronan loses the paintings . . . the journey of the paintings is imporatnt to the 'present day' story.

And WHY does everyone need to know what's happening in 5 pages? whatever happened to I want to find out as the movie unfolds? Trust by the end of page 18, all the horses are out of the barn and isn't that half the fun? We're not talking about Altman here, things will make sense, promise :Ssh:

[sarajb]

Everyone? Was my post unclear, or were you just addressing Derek?

[35mm]

I actually liked the first scene. I thought the use of the OVER in the beginning was a neat introdouction to some action.

You also raised an interesting question.

"And WHY does everyone need to know what's happening in 5 pages? whatever happened to I want to find out as the movie unfolds? Trust by the end of page 18, all the horses are out of the barn and isn't that half the fun? We're not talking about Altman here, things will make sense, promise"

People need to know where your taking them. If you do not tell them as soon as possible, you increase the chance they will lose interest in your story. When you tell them what your premises are then they can see the jeft of your story.

[vig]

People need to know where your taking them. If you do not tell them as soon as possible, you increase the chance they will lose interest in your story. When you tell them what your premises are then they can see the jeft of your story.
http://absolutewrite.com/forums/images/statusicon/user_online.gif http://absolutewrite.com/forums/images/buttons/reputation.gif (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=7896#) http://absolutewrite.com/forums/images/buttons/report.gif (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/report.php?p=103145)



no the don't. they need to know the writer is competent enough that they can trust that they will reveal in tme what they are trying to accomplish. here's a perfect example, we have one of our scripts out somewhere, and one of the producers said -- i want to ask myself more questions... don't show me to much.

keep me guessing.

vig

[maestrowork]

Apply the same concept from novel writing: you only tell people what they need to know when they're ready to know. Build some suspense. But don't be coy either -- one thing I hate is something like this:

MAN
Oh, I know!

WOMAN
What?

MAN
I'll tell you later.


Argh! That's being coy.

Remember, you have the whole movie (90-200 minutes) to reveal the story. Make it interesting, and let the audience follow you. Otherwise the story would be boring and predictable. I can't stand a movie when I know, 5 minutes into it, what's going the happen (the stupid monster is going to kill them all, and that woman is going to save the day). Ho hum.

[dpaterso]

Everyone? Was my post unclear, or were you just addressing Derek?

I thought he was talking to you. I didn't ask for more explanation. Maybe a word or two for clarity's sake, shrug.

-Derek
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

[sarajb]

Derek, would you help me see where I miscommunicated, since you seemed to think I meant more explanation was needed, too? I thought the opposite was clear in my first sentence.

[35mm]

If you raise too many questions early on in the movie people are going to become lost.

You can only allow a certain amount of mystery before it appears that the story is going now where.

Yet some directors make their movies this way because they hate the classical linear plot. Lars von Trier is a perfect example. However he has some amazing powerful endings that simply make you want to over look the confusing plot structure.

However it could work to your advantage to keep the audience in the knowing until you pull the carpet beneath them and give them something they would never expect.

The problem with that is the rest of the story must contain the evidence that it was leading to that conclusion. A very tough card to pull.

[vig]

it's pretty obvious that he was talking about the comment made by derek that he felt cheated that ronan's journey was not pounded into the wood so that it
dimples.

though sarah, i do like the fact that mr. whitestone has some paintings that are stolen.

vig

[dpaterso]

Derek, would you help me see where I miscommunicated, since you seemed to think I meant more explanation was needed, too? I thought the opposite was clear in my first sentence.

Sorry Sara, I didn't say I understood, I just said I thought randesq was talking to you! Rand, whatever we may have said, we're sorry!

Me, I didn't see anything technically wrong with the hopping around and back and forth through time, tho' I think I probably wondered, in a casual daydream way, what the story would look like if it were presented in linear fashion -- all of the 1916 events strung together, then one time-jump to present day so present day events strung together. Shrug, more random thoughts.

-Derek
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

[vig]

"As written Whitestone seems to go on and on without purpose, which slows the pace." sara

absolutely. i agree 3000%. this is a perfect spot for another layer... another twist that can be a puzzle piece.... the old man is thief too, or his idealogies do conflit with his pious bullshit when he has a 3, million dollar painting on his wall that has been missin since 1945...

even though you don't know the story sarah, that advice would tie beautifully into the fund raiser... the fund raiser is the part where all the characters come together and really has flavor to it.

when it comes down to it, a scene is like 'bulles', not gun bullets, but writing bullets... each line should mean something and tight stories are the movies you go back and watch a couple times and say wow...

vig

[sarajb]

Vig, I hope it helps. Anything that sparks an idea is worth mention, right? Only you guys know what would be organic, and what wouldn’t. Question, currently, do old man Whitestone and his buddies know about the map/treasure?

Gotcha, Derek. I don’t have a problem with the flashbacks, either. I actually think the flashbacks and the thief scene go very well together, though personally, I’d like to see one more active transition point like the first one, almost as though he's a guide for the story/history of this painting. I don't know if this is even close to what's intended. It's just what I see.


The Ari scenes are the ones that disrupted the flow, imo. The art gallery connection wasn’t enough of a tie-in for me. I don’t know what would be, though it wouldn’t take much. Maybe, a simple mention of the fundraiser in either the thief/Whitestone scene or the cop scene and something in one of the Ari scenes – a flyer, dialogue, whatever. Just a thought.

Good luck to both of you with this script.

[dpaterso]

it's pretty obvious that he was talking about the comment made by derek that he felt cheated that ronan's journey was not pounded into the wood so that it dimples.

That comment was made because I didn't know whether the boy died or not at the hands of the British soldiers. So when he appeared again with the painter and his father, I didn't know if this was after the soldier event or prior to. You want me to check the dates and times of each scene so I know for sure? Forget it. Your job is to make this clear. Showing me whether the boy lives or dies would do this. Enjoy.

-Derek
My Web Page - naked women, bestial sex, and whopping big lies. (http://hometown.aol.co.uk/DPaterson57)

[randesq]

jesus, a guy goes out for a few hours to make a living and he comes back to this?? I was addressing DP's point, that's all. thank you sara and dp and everyone else for chiming in. I don't want to give away the pieces of this story or the paintings and how everything's connected, so I'm vague on purpose. The pages will add up to something - i promise - i'll post more if that helps.

I like to be challanged as a movie viewer. I can't stand transparent films and I want to be entertained... i'm trying to do the same thing here. Maybe it's working.