Is there a tactful way to show child abuse in novels?

IReidandWrite · Sep 28, 2007

The children in question are a 16 year old and a 5 year old.

What is the right way to show they're abused? That they're nearly unfed? Throw me a bone here, please.

Marian Perera · Sep 28, 2007

Project nachonaco said:
What is the right way to show they're abused? That they're nearly unfed? Throw me a bone here, please.

That depends on what you're trying to accomplish. Personally, though, I don't like too much explicitly described abuse. A Dave Pelzer-esque litany of how the kid was starved and beaten and burned and stabbed and raped and humiliated, and I'll close the book. I prefer the subtle approach, where the abuse is more hinted at than detailed.

Ava Jarvis · Sep 28, 2007

Are you working on the people-outside-looking-in angle, or the outside-witness angle, or the hidden-witness angle, or the involved-family-member-who-is-not-the-abusee angle, or the abusee angle?

Speaking from experience.

Siddow · Sep 28, 2007

Locks on the fridge, on the kitchen cabinets?

"Nate watched his mother scarf down not one, but two packages of Ding Dongs. She'd gone to the store again, but there wouldn't be anything for Nate. Not unless he stole a set of bolt cutters to remove the locks from the pantry door."

I'm hoping the 16yo is finding a way around this mess, and protecting the 5yo. Maybe they've got one hamburger between them, so the older one takes a single bite and passes it on to the youngster?

scarletpeaches · Sep 28, 2007

I wouldn't say a sixteen year old was a child, anyway. If I read a book where someone of this age did nothing to defend themselves, or protect a five year old, I'd lose any respect for them as a character.

IReidandWrite · Sep 28, 2007

Well, the underfed thing isn't entirely the aunt and uncle's (in the case of the 16yo. 5yo is 16yo's cousin) fault. They're on welfare/food stamps/what have you....

I'm trying to think of other ways (not sexual) that the kiddos could be abused that doesn't seem hokey/cliche...

Marian Perera · Sep 28, 2007

Project nachonaco said:
I'm trying to think of other ways (not sexual) that the kiddos could be abused that doesn't seem hokey/cliche...

Mental abuse. You can get very, very inventive with mental abuse, and many people (including the victims sometimes) don't think they're abused.

Here's an example. Parent tells child, "You've been very good. Here's $20." Child goes off happy. That night, parent creeps into child's room and quietly takes the $20 out of their money box. Child blames himself for the loss. That way, the parent earns the child's love for their generosity, makes the child feel insecure/guilty and keeps their $20, all in one.

scarletpeaches · Sep 28, 2007

Happened to me all the time, except it got to the point where I said to my mother, "I know you're nicking my money." She saw she was rumbled and started doing it in front of me after that - I only got pocket money so she could 'fine' me for my transgressions.

I got angry, not scared of her. So it depends on the child.

KTC · Sep 28, 2007

Just write it how you see it.

IReidandWrite · Sep 28, 2007

Queen of Swords said:
Mental abuse. You can get very, very inventive with mental abuse, and many people (including the victims sometimes) don't think they're abused.

Here's an example. Parent tells child, "You've been very good. Here's $20." Child goes off happy. That night, parent creeps into child's room and quietly takes the $20 out of their money box. Child blames himself for the loss. That way, the parent earns the child's love for their generosity, makes the child feel insecure/guilty and keeps their $20, all in one.

Oooh, fun.

Especially since the 16yo gets screwed around with mentally AGAIN by this crazy government scientist.

lol. Wonder how she turns out....Dead, crazy, or evil?

Marian Perera · Sep 28, 2007

scarletpeaches said:
Happened to me all the time...

It just happened to me once, because my mom caught my father in the act the second time. There were plenty of other mind games that he got away with, though.

scarletpeaches · Sep 28, 2007

There's often nothing that can be seen by other people. Unless they choose not to see. Is it from other people's point of view, or one of the children's?

I just don't buy the sixteen year old thing, sorry. I'd be asking why they didn't ask for help, or run away, or fight back. I mean, there's only so much you can take. Sure, you might be scared of recriminations but everyone has their limit. If there's no sexual abuse, which is an entirely different ball (sorry) game then it's like 'normal' bullying. You either lie down and die or you fight back.

If the character lies down and dies, story over. If they fight back, then...well, good. You don't want your story to be populated by passive folk, do you?

I dunno...touchy subject for me. I get angry easily; mostly at myself. Go figure.

scarletpeaches · Sep 28, 2007

Queen of Swords said:
It just happened to me once, because my mom caught my father in the act the second time. There were plenty of other mind games that he got away with, though.

I think it's a bigger headfuck if the other parent turns a blind eye so's not to cause a fuss.

Marian Perera · Sep 28, 2007

scarletpeaches said:
I think it's a bigger headfuck if the other parent turns a blind eye so's not to cause a fuss.

That happened sometimes. Once my mother even described how my father had been abused in his childhood, finishing up with the moral of how we needed to be understanding and compassionate towards him to make up for it.

RumpleTumbler · Sep 28, 2007

Siddow said:
"Nate watched his mother scarf down not one, but two packages of Ding Dongs.

Siddow......voted most likely to scarf a ding dong her senior year.

Ava Jarvis · Sep 28, 2007

scarletpeaches said:
I think it's a bigger headfuck if the other parent turns a blind eye so's not to cause a fuss.

scarletpeaches has a good point. An enabler parent makes one VERY confused when growing up.

I also think the 16 year old needs to get some fight up. Yes, it can be as little as protecting the 5 year old. I hope the teenager protects the little one. Because sometimes the non-abusing parent will throw the kids in front of the abuser to escape abuse themselves.

Parental love is such a delicate thing, I think.

Ava Jarvis · Sep 28, 2007

Queen of Swords said:
That happened sometimes. Once my mother even described how my father had been abused in his childhood, finishing up with the moral of how we needed to be understanding and compassionate towards him to make up for it.

My mother did the same thing!

I trusted my parents so much. Fooled me into my teenage years. When I got into high school, I started noticing how people were... different.

My father told me to never tell people our secret.

'course, high school counselors are STUPID. I told our secret, the counselor told my father, you can bet where THAT went. The worst was my mother, who cried because I had betrayed the family. That was way worse than anything my father did to punish me.

Uh.

Yeah.

Well, it's color anyways.

scarletpeaches · Sep 28, 2007

In my case it was the stepfather not feeling he had the 'right', as a stepparent, to discipline me, or step in when my mother's discipline went overboard. It was none of his business when she broke off a chair leg to hit me with, or threatened me with scissors, or kicked me 'til I peed blood.

In many ways it was worse to look at him and think, "What sort of a man are you, to allow her to do this?" than to see my mother's hysterics which were, in many ways, amusing.

Well, have you ever seen a woman turn purple and been able to stop yourself laughing?

scarletpeaches · Sep 28, 2007

Ava Jarvis said:
...'course, high school counselors are STUPID. I told our secret, the counselor told my father, you can bet where THAT went. The worst was my mother, who cried because I had betrayed the family. That was way worse than anything my father did to punish me...

Tell me about it. A child psychologist was sent out to the house one day and he spoke to her while I was sent off to school. I mean, he spoke to the abuser and took her side of things?!

Mike Martyn · Sep 28, 2007

Is the 16 year old a girl or a boy? A boy, speaking from painful experience, might have it out with his father even if he got beaten to a bloody pulp.

I had it out with my father when I was fourteen, I had a couple of inches on him but he had about sixty pounds on me and was an amateur boxer besides.

I ended up skidding upside down and backwards down the basement stairs. I did have the presence of mind to tuck in my head so that my shoulders absorped my collision with the concrete floor.

I got up and yelled obsenities at my father. He responded in kind. After that we got along surprisingly well.

Many years later, I told this story to a friend who was horrified by it. I remember feeling confused for I'd simply assumed that this sort of thing happened between between fathers and sons.

Ava Jarvis · Sep 28, 2007

My dad turned purple with hysterics too, but he always frightened me, long after I grew up. I could never think him funny, but that's me.

'course, he stopped hitting me so much when I punched him in the face one innocent day. That didn't stop him from running doors over my toes. I thank the gods he never tried to destroy my fingers.

I don't know why I didn't try to leave for such a long time. Twenty years of abuse that you can REMEMBER is bad enough. My first memory was abuse (of my mother, not me). At the same time, I didn't take it lying down.... but I was always the kid who tried to stay at school as late as possible. I graded English papers, quizzes, kept computers, anything. Anything to not go home.

I think things would have been different if I had a little brother or sister to protect.

Ava Jarvis · Sep 28, 2007

By the way, I did go to college at the normal age. My parents kept a tight collar on me in college... if I didn't call home at 9pm every day, they called the police down at the campus.

And there are so many things... so many ways the abuse turns subtle when you're in college and still believing that this is just tough love.

Blackmail. My mother was queen of emotional blackmail... when I started to try to get away, she was the one who called every night and told me she would starve herself if I tried to separate, and that if she died, it would be my fault.

Ava Jarvis · Sep 28, 2007

scarletpeaches said:
Tell me about it. A child psychologist was sent out to the house one day and he spoke to her while I was sent off to school. I mean, he spoke to the abuser and took her side of things?!

Ugh. I wish this didn't seem such a common thread, but it is.

I mean, are counselors and folks like that in high school and such... do they have a better clue these days? I hope to hell they do.

scarletpeaches · Sep 28, 2007

Oh yes, there's another one. Mother and stepdad, big fight, he walks out...so she turns to me and says, "If anything ever happens between me and your dad, it'll all be your fault."

Alongside the constant "You're ugly," - "No one will ever love you," - "You'll be on your own forever."

Gradual wearing away of the self-esteem.

Oh yes, then quarter of a century later, setting the producers of the Jeremy Kyle show on me so we could 'resolve our issues' on national television, even though when she was around, she didn't want Jack shit to do with me unless it involved stealing my money.

Ava Jarvis · Sep 28, 2007

scarletpeaches said:
Oh yes, then quarter of a century later, setting the producers of the Jeremy Kyle show on me so we could 'resolve our issues' on national television, even though when she was around, she didn't want Jack shit to do with me unless it involved stealing my money.

Ugh. I thank the good Lord (and I'm not religious) that my parents had no clue about modern things like that.

One last thing. It was never a secret to me that my parents hated each other and, indeed, had attempted murder on each other. My father always told me: "It's your fault that we're still together."

That was one of the major mind fucks of my life.

To everybody on this thread... many hugs.

Is there a tactful way to show child abuse in novels?

IReidandWrite

Marian Perera

starting over

Ava Jarvis

Too stupid to know fear

Siddow

I'm super! Thanks for asking

scarletpeaches

IReidandWrite

Marian Perera

starting over

scarletpeaches

KTC

Stand in the Place Where You Live

IReidandWrite

Marian Perera

starting over

scarletpeaches

scarletpeaches

Marian Perera

starting over

RumpleTumbler

Loves Joni Mitchell

Ava Jarvis

Too stupid to know fear

Ava Jarvis

Too stupid to know fear

scarletpeaches

scarletpeaches

Mike Martyn

Ava Jarvis

Too stupid to know fear

Ava Jarvis

Too stupid to know fear

Ava Jarvis

Too stupid to know fear

scarletpeaches

Ava Jarvis

Too stupid to know fear