This sentence needs you.

MelodyO · Sep 25, 2007

This is the opening line of the chapter I'm working on. I'm not happy with it, yet can't quite get it to my liking no matter how I change it. Want to have a go at it? The point I'm trying to make is that in LA, where the entertainment industry rules, people are used to seeing anything and everything. Help!

It was a telling fact that in L.A., two angels, a zombie, a blond, and a cowboy sitting in the waiting room of a walk-in clinic didn’t really elicit that much of a response.

Calla Lily · Sep 25, 2007

Two angels, a zombie, a blond, and a cowboy sitting in the waiting room of a walk-in clinic didn’t really elicit that much of a response in L.A.

Or, if you want sarcastic emphasis:

Two angels, a zombie, a blond, and a cowboy sitting in the waiting room of a walk-in clinic didn’t really elicit that much of a response. This was L.A., after all.

ccarver30 · Sep 25, 2007

Nice, calla.

I love the name of this post for some reason. LOL

C.bronco · Sep 25, 2007

MelodyO said:
In L.A., two angels, a zombie, a blond, and a cowboy sitting in the waiting room of a walk-in clinic didn’t elicit that much of a response.

elicit a response from whom?

rugcat · Sep 25, 2007

You'd think that two angels, a zombie, a blond, and a cowboy sitting in the waiting room of a walk-in clinic would elicit at least some response. Of course, this is L.A.

maestrowork · Sep 25, 2007

"Elicit a response" is telling. Just go all out with the showing, since you're doing so well with the zombies and cowboys already (but why blond?)... something like:

Two angels, a zombie, a gorilla, and a cowboy at a walk-in clinic would not make the vampire at the registration desk take a second look. That's L.A., the land of the freaks.

jdparadise · Sep 25, 2007

MelodyO said:
It was a telling fact that in L.A., two angels, a zombie, a blond, and a cowboy sitting in the waiting room of a walk-in clinic didn’t really elicit that much of a response.

Two angels, a zombie, a blonde, and a cowboy are waiting in a walk-in clinic. But this is L.A.. The fact that the grayhair behind the desk doesn't blink isn't the punchline, it's the whole joke.

allenparker · Sep 25, 2007

MelodyO said:
It was a telling fact that in L.A., two angels, a zombie, a blond, and a cowboy sitting in the waiting room of a walk-in clinic didn’t really elicit that much of a response.

How about this.

"In the waiting room, two angels, a zombie, a blond, and a cowboy played cards while waiting their turn at the walk-in clinic's doctor. No one noticed them."

avalancheof1977 · Sep 25, 2007

Two angels, a zombie, a blonde, and a cowboy sat patiently in the waiting room of a walk-in clinic. No, not a joke - that's just L.A. for you. And the others around didn't even notice them.

Sassee · Sep 25, 2007

avalancheof1977 said:
Two angels, a zombie, a blonde, and a cowboy sat patiently in the waiting room of a walk-in clinic. No, not a joke - that's just L.A. for you. And the others around didn't even notice them.

lol... it does sort of sound like the beginning of a bad joke.

Calla Lily · Sep 25, 2007

Maestrowork's wins.

scully931 · Sep 25, 2007

callalily61 said:
Or, if you want sarcastic emphasis:

Two angels, a zombie, a blond, and a cowboy sitting in the waiting room of a walk-in clinic didn’t really elicit that much of a response. This was L.A., after all.

This is my pick. It grabbed me the most.

jdparadise · Sep 25, 2007

Calla, Scully. Can you [guys/gals] identify what about your respective favorites made them your favorites? Just for the learning experience...

Calla Lily · Sep 25, 2007

jdparadise said:
Calla, Scully. Can you [guys/gals] identify what about your respective favorites made them your favorites? Just for the learning experience...

maestro picked up on what I missed: telling. His fixed that and made it pop.

Bufty · Sep 25, 2007

From Maestro:--Two angels, a zombie, a gorilla, and a cowboy at a walk-in clinic would not make the vampire at the registration desk take a second look. That's L.A., the land of the freaks.

I prefer Maestro's suggestion because it's specific on the location and at the same time makes reference to 'who' is potentially giving the referred to 'response'. I think it shows a clearer image.

talps · Sep 25, 2007

Well, living in L.A., I don't find our city that freaky. Most of us grow out of our gorilla suits once we hit 25... 30 at the latest. Still, I know what you're driving at here and would like to take a stab at it:

That a gorilla could walk into the clinic waiting room and scarcely be noticed by the blond, the cowboy and a pair of angels spoke to the very truth of LA.

blacbird · Sep 25, 2007

Several of the suggestions are good. But the real tip-off to the original problem with the sentence is the "It was X that was Y" structure. A good idea in editing is to look for every permutation of this (e.g., There was X that did Y, etc.), and drive a stake through the heart of as many as you can. Nearly all can be reduced to a shorter and stronger sentence.

caw

jdparadise · Sep 25, 2007

talps said:
That a gorilla could walk into the clinic waiting room and scarcely be noticed by the blond, the cowboy and a pair of angels spoke to the very truth of LA.

I like this. Playing with it 'cuz I can't ever leave well enough alone:

That a gorilla could walk into a clinic waiting room and scarcely be noticed by the blond and the cowboy might just have been a California thing. That the zombie and the bookend pair of angels wouldn't blink . . . well, for that one, ya gotta be in L.A., baby.

MelodyO · Sep 25, 2007

Hee! There are some great suggestions here, and I thank you for making this so much easier than if I was alone in my living room, sweating it out.

But there's no gorilla in this story. LOL! Or vampires, come to think of it.

maestrowork · Sep 25, 2007

You can't blame us. Halloween is upon us.

Ava Jarvis · Sep 25, 2007

I think the opening line packs too much in it. Think of another detail in the room that is sublimely shocking, and then zoom out to the weird crew. Like:

The receptionist snapped her gum over her pointed teeth. She had to give her dentist credit; these held up much better to daily use than the last set. Looking over the waiting room, she made note of the characters there: two angels, a zombie, a blond, and a cowboy. Out of all of them, the blond creeped her out the most. It just wasn't natural, to be so normal in L.A., the capital of Weird USA.

talps · Sep 25, 2007

MelodyO said:
But there's no gorilla in this story. LOL! Or vampires, come to think of it.

*whoops*

Oh-kee-doke... Exchange gorilla & zombie & you'll get:

That a zombie could walk into the clinic waiting room and scarcely be noticed by the blond, the cowboy and a pair of angels spoke to the very truth of LA

(Rejected at yet another audition, the sad gorilla leaves the waiting room and heads for The Coffee House of Pain)

maestrowork · Sep 25, 2007

One can't have too much fun rewriting such a sentence.

At the walk-in clinic, the receptionist took one look at the two angels, zombie, blond, and cowboy in the waiting room, yawned, and returned her attention to the Premier magazine featuring David Cronenberg. That's your typical L.A. story.

Ken Schneider · Sep 25, 2007

maestrowork said:
"Elicit a response" is telling. Just go all out with the showing, since you're doing so well with the zombies and cowboys already (but why blond?)... something like:

Two angels, a zombie, a gorilla, and a cowboy at a walk-in clinic would not make the vampire at the registration desk take a second look. That's L.A., the land of the freaks.

Bingo!

The first one sounds like the start of a joke. This is good Meastro

aadams73 · Sep 25, 2007

"Two angels, a zombie, a gorilla, and a cowboy walked into a clinic. Nobody laughed."

This sentence needs you.

Waiting for love on the web

On hiatus

Nicole Castro

I have plans...

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Fear the Death Ray

Talker of Good Games

Naked Futon Guy

Momma Wolf

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So you're suggesting what? Bigfoot?

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Fear the Death Ray

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It's all happening...

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Absolute sagebrush

A Work in Progress