A little help.

Ambergold · Sep 24, 2007

Hi all,

I've been playing around with this sentence for the start of my WIP, since realising the start of my chapters need to be punchier. However, though I've come up with something I'm not sure if it sounds right the way I prefer.

They wouldn’t leave her alone, those worries.

Or

Those worries wouldn’t leave her alone.

Thank you in advance for your time.

CaroGirl · Sep 24, 2007

Ambergold said:
Hi all,

I've been playing around with this sentence for the start of my WIP, since realising the start of my chapters need to be punchier. However, though I've come up with something I'm not sure if it sounds right the way I prefer.

They wouldn’t leave her alone, those worries.

Or

Those worries wouldn’t leave her alone.

Thank you in advance for your time.

Hm. I don't fancy either of those as a particularly punchy opening for a novel. As a first sentence, it's weird to write "those" worries without knowing to what "those" refers. I suppose it might work in an in medias res kind of way. But not for me. Sorry.

DamaNegra · Sep 24, 2007

I'm with Caro. None of the lines seem particularly interesting. Maybe a little more background?

preyer · Sep 24, 2007

i much prefer: Those lesbians wouldn't leave me alone. egh, that's just me. as is, if i had to choose, let's say the second version.

Ambergold · Sep 24, 2007

Hmm, well I guess its probably not the punchiest of openings. I was just wary of starting a chapter with a character name after reading on the forum that it was a bland way to start. Anyway, here's the original version with chracter name and a little back ground.

Faye Baptiste lay so rigid she could hear herself blink. Her gaze fixed on the ceiling, trying to ignore everything but the thud of her heart. Yet somehow the worries crept in; while the cracked, plastic wall clock ticked the minutes away. Its fluorescent numbers clearly showing that almost three hours had passed since her parents ventured upstairs. And usually, at least when her father was around, someone would’ve bothered to come and tuck her in bed. But tonight, it seemed, she was invisible.

She_wulf · Sep 24, 2007

preyer said:
i much prefer: Those lesbians wouldn't leave me alone. egh, that's just me. as is, if i had to choose, let's say the second version.

Are you certain you want lesbians chasing you?

Imagine the possibilities....combat boot marks on your back, "indie" CDs in your stereo...personal hygiene products...

:shudder:

LOL

Back to first line:

(MC's name) took (his/her) second Ambien in four hours. It wouldn't make a difference, (he/she) thought. Like eight foot graveyard ghouls, those worries would not leave (him/her) alone.

PeeDee · Sep 24, 2007

The first sentence they wouldn't leave her alone, those worries but only if it follows on in a sort of film noir sort of voice, you know? Otherwise, I'm afraid they aren't catchy.

But either way, it'd be key that the next paragraph or few is catchy too. Because if it started off with the catchy sentence and then went nowhere, it's a catchy sentence gone to waste.

I want to start a story that goes They wasn't leaving her alone, them worries now. Hmm...

PeeDee · Sep 24, 2007

She_wulf said:
(MC's name) took (his/her) second Ambien in four hours. It wouldn't make a difference, (he/she) thought. Like eight foot graveyard ghouls, those worries would not leave (him/her) alone.

Not on this dark and stormy night, with the Indians sitting around the campfire, with the chief who rose and said "It was a dark and stormy night, some indians were sitting around a campfire, when the chief rose and said..."

Ambergold · Sep 24, 2007

Thanks for the advice guys. What's your take on starting a chapter with the characters name?

PeeDee · Sep 24, 2007

...

Why not? Go for it. I think you're worrying too much. It's not a Pedigreed Dog show.

Ambergold · Sep 24, 2007

True, Pee Dee, very true. And worrying only stunts ideas, so maybe I'll just come back to it later and see anything else comes to mind. Thanks again.

PeeDee · Sep 24, 2007

Forward motion. Always forward motion. Remember: there are no Literary Police what'll haul you away for using the wrong word, or ending your chapter on an odd-numbered word count, or anything.

A little help.

Ambergold

CaroGirl

Living the dream

DamaNegra

Mexican on the loose!

preyer

excessively spartan

Ambergold

She_wulf

that's me

PeeDee

Where's my tea, please...?

PeeDee

Where's my tea, please...?

Ambergold

PeeDee

Where's my tea, please...?

Ambergold

PeeDee

Where's my tea, please...?