Hi XXXXXXX,
I finally made it! I hate starting a script unless I can read it all the way through. Started this one earlier, but finally had the time to give it proper attention this morning.
Wow… Nice job. I take it this isn’t your first rodeo, or that you’ve at least read plenty of screenplays. That, or you’re just a natural at how a script is supposed to read and feel.
The scene-to-scene pacing is solid. The characters are nicely drawn. More impressively, for a cast of thousands, your characters are all distinct enough to require no flip-back to reacquaint the readers. Each has a distinct manner of speech, which is what you want and a real trick even for less ambitiously sized stories.
Even the stage directions pop. Very visual, conveying much with a few choice words.
In other words, you’re definitely someone who could earn a living doing this, which puts you in the distinct minority.
I do still have reservations about the length.
You’re good to go for Kairos, but bear in mind that the version you submit is the one studios will read. Movieguide won’t let you swap out for an updated draft. (I tried.) So there’s a good chance you could cash in at the Movieguide Awards, but a slimmer chance it will get the coveted green light at Sony.
I also really see Galvin as the true protagonist here. Doesn’t mean you have to cut David’s story, but Galvin drives the core action in a similar way to Cuba Gooding Jr’s character in Fighting Temptations.
Actually, everything works perfectly for a novel, which you should seriously consider doing if this doesn’t sell as a film first. No joke. Converting it would be the easiest thing in the world. The Christian market would eat this up too. Also a faster route to any writer getting a movie made these days, sadly, is to do the novel first.
A couple mechanical things…
Don’t. Do. Too much. Of this. A little dab will do ya with this device. Once I noticed, it became a distraction. It serves a purpose, most of the lines would read perfectly without it or simple emphasis with caps or italics will suffice. Anything that calls attention to itself is deadly.
Same for starting a line of dialogue with ……………..this. Or even …this. Personally, I love leading in with ellipses. Used to always do it, but I’ve been warned on more than one occasion, by more than one reader, that proper form is… Three at the end of the preceding line to create the pause. And when it starts the line, make it a (beat) or (long beat) cue. Takes up more page space, tho, which sucks to be sure.
Next, I might recommend losing the “comical music” prompts during at least that first montage. Not necessary, isn’t your job as a writer, and conjured up a silent movie soundtrack to me at least. If you must indulge in directing to this level – I’m always tempted too, always chuck in a suggested song for the audio, etc. – maybe just change the tag to “upbeat music.”
Go easy on the montages in general. I’ve heard they’re not welcome much these days, though again, I love them myself as a writer. Some consider it lazy, as alluded to hilariously in Team America : World Police. But more than one in a film is pushing it for sure.
On to my actual notes…
My final tally of margin notes were almost exclusively third act, and since I don’t know how much you want/need/care to hear, I’ll give you those as I jotted them down during the read:
1) The line “…there’s a whole slew of us out there—Christian ministers, Jewish Rabbis, Muslim clerics—all of us with world class educations…” For Kairos, I’d lose the Muslim bit. Trust me on this. It’s clear what you’re saying, but orthodoxy is big for the top couple people this hopefully will make it to for the final blessing. Putting an Imam on par with the first two could raise an eyebrow or two.
2) Jazzy’s encounter comes rather late. I’d forgotten who these characters were at this point.
3) Cut the “End of Act Two” flag. I don’t remember seeing one at the Act I break, and professional readers expect to feel the act breaks w/out cues anyway. Which they will here already.
4) For the line: “If God is a king it stands to reason his sons would be princes.” I’d simply put quotes around “sons.” (See #1 above.)
5) Reduce the uber-long dialogue block on page 114. Distracting. Also doesn’t quite play logically. The prospect of Darius whacking Galvin over all this is a bit of a stretch. People will kill over casinos/big money/etc, but Galvin himself isn’t kill-worthy in the grand scheme of things here. … A bit too much speechifying in general. “Less is more” has become a development cliché for a reason – it’s soooo true. More punch with fewer words. Less chance the all-important meaning of a line of dialogue will be lost. (Eyes tend to skim larger blocks of dialogue, as I’m sure you know.)
6) Whoa… They are killing him. Not sure I buy it, but I see it’s the crux of the story’s end game, so let’s run with it.
7) If Galvin’s death is to look like a suicide, why set his car on fire? I understand the plot need (drawing the attention of David and the others) but it’s too obvious that’s the reason.
8) Darius dies on page 133, threat eliminated – despite his talk of more trouble coming – but there are almost 20 pages yet to go. A studio reader will just (unfairly, I know!) groan at this realization and really go into skim mode.
9) I like the exchange between Drs. Angus and Vincente. But would make a great setup for the clash of cultures we’ve just seen. Coming after the confrontation in the canyon diminishes the punch and “cool factor.” Feels tacked on for exposition, rather than the awesome foreshadowing it could be.
10) Yep. Definitely should meet Dr. Angus much earlier. I know this throws the proverbial monkey wrench, but his arrival just comes out of nowhere -- out of a different (but potentially fantastic!) movie altogether. And as this character takes us to FADE OUT, this becomes a more glaring need.
11) Personally, I’d like to see this end not with Angus but David watching the angels go. Makes an ideal bookend to the opening, when he first encounters them. Can’t overemphasize the importance of going out with balance and symmetry. We need a visual to drive home the fact that equilibrium has been restored to this story’s universe.
12) The sermon absolutely grinds things to a halt. What’s contained therein is fascinating stuff, but it’s purely academic, expositional after the climax, and still largely amounts to people sitting around in an enclosed space doing relatively little of interest to the viewers.
I really need to get this off to you, so in a nutshell…
Awesome writing by what appears to be a veteran screenwriter. Great story concept. Nice use of humor, romance, character arcs. Love the characters (Darius alone being too broadly villainous than authentic like the others). Structurally problematic at Act III, which turns a solid, engaging small-town drama into a big-budget sci-fi actioner immediately weighed down by a talky and somewhat awkward-to-shoot finale in the church.
OK, enough out of me. I really enjoyed the read. Seriously. And that’s rare when you’ve read as many as I have over the years. This all may look like more criticism than good stuff, but that’s absolutely not the case, and I think you stand a good chance with this.
Feel free to email back with specific questions or clarifications you may need. If not, best of luck!!
Take care,
XXXXXXXXXXX
You know you get a big "YIPEEE!" from me! Hmm, some of those comments even looked familiar 
Keep us updated on the progress! It's such a great script. You rock!
