Dodgy sentences

ErylRavenwell · Sep 13, 2007

The oil painting on the canvas was a reproduction of Gericault’s Raft of the Medusa. As faithful to the original as painting skill allows, it depicted the beleaguered, unheroic survivors of the French frigate Medusa on an overcrowded raft with tattered sails.

Note the present tense at the end of the dependent clause of the second sentence. What's your take on this? How can I improve or simplify? They just seem odd to me. Very slow and annoying.

KTC · Sep 13, 2007

Something like this:

The oil on canvas was a reproduction of Gericault's Raft of the Medusa. Depicting the beleaguered survivors of the French frigate Medusa on an overcrowded raft, it was as faithful to the original as skills allowed.

KTC · Sep 13, 2007

Hey. You changed it. lol

ErylRavenwell · Sep 13, 2007

"The oil on canvas" is good. Past tense of course. Why not present though? I thought as "skills allow" would hold true at all times.

ErylRavenwell · Sep 13, 2007

KTC said:
Hey. You changed it. lol

I'm working on the project right now. I changed it to match the project.

Julie Worth · Sep 13, 2007

The oil painting on the canvas was a reproduction of Gericault’s Raft of the Medusa. As faithful to the original as painting skill allows, it depicted the beleaguered, unheroic survivors of the French frigate Medusa on an overcrowded raft with tattered sails.

The stuff in red I'm not sure you need, and the words in blue won't create much imagery for readers who haven't seen the painting.

ErylRavenwell · Sep 13, 2007

Interesting, Julie. Much appreciated.

Priene · Sep 13, 2007

ErylRavenwell said:
The oil painting on the canvas was a reproduction of Gericault’s Raft of the Medusa. As faithful to the original as painting skill allows, it depicted the beleaguered, unheroic survivors of the French frigate Medusa on an overcrowded raft with tattered sails.

As someone's already said, "oil painting on the canvas" contains redundant information.

"As faithful to the original as painting skill allows" is clumsy, because you're not actually describing the quality of the painting. Whose skill? Han van Meegeren's reproduction skills are going to be better than mine after two G-and-Ts and a bad night's sleep. Or before, for that matter.

You have another redundancy, this time a double one. Giving the painting's name ("Raft of the Medusa") establishes its naval nature, so there is no need to repeat the frigate's name, nor to mention that the survivors are on a raft.

I'm fine with "beleaguered, unheroic survivors", though, as I like description, and you could certainly discern that information from a painting. "Tattered sails" is a minor cliche.

Sunnyside · Sep 13, 2007

Man, I love the word "dodgy!"

Sandi LeFaucheur · Sep 13, 2007

I think "oil on canvas" is needed, rather than just "painting". It differentiates it from a water colour.

ErylRavenwell · Sep 13, 2007

Priene said:
As someone's already said, "oil painting on the canvas" contains redundant information.

"As faithful to the original as painting skill allows" is clumsy, because you're not actually describing the quality of the painting. Whose skill? Han van Meegeren's reproduction skills are going to be better than mine after two G-and-Ts and a bad night's sleep. Or before, for that matter.

You have another redundancy, this time a double one. Giving the painting's name ("Raft of the Medusa") establishes its naval nature, so there is no need to repeat the frigate's name, nor to mention that the survivors are on a raft.

I'm fine with "beleaguered, unheroic survivors", though, as I like description, and you could certainly discern that information from a painting. "Tattered sails" is a minor cliche.

Note the sentences are part of the storyline. In fact, before that you have: “Perfect,” he murmured. A smile curved his lips but progressed no further.

"As faithful to the original as painting skills allow" here it is pretty clear to me (at least) "skills allow" means the human limit. And this part is even more important than any other because it reveals a key characteristic of the artist. I never really stop to describe anything unless in relation to a character.And I'm just obsessed with details sometimes.

"Frigate Medusa" is not really redundant. As I see it, the latter explains the former. The reader will know why the painting is named as such. They are not just on a raft but on an overcrowded raft.

Priene · Sep 13, 2007

ErylRavenwell said:
"As faithful to the original as painting skills allow" here it is pretty clear to me (at least) "skills allow" means the human limit. And this part is even more important than any other because it reveals a key characteristic of the artist. I never really stop to describe anything unless in relation to a character.

Ah, now this is something I didn't get. I thought you were implying that the reproducer's skills were deficient, that they'd done their best and this was all they could manage.

And I'm just obsessed with details sometimes.

I know the feeling.

"Frigate Medusa" is not really redundant. As I see it, the latter explains the former. The reader will know why the painting is named as such. They are not just on a raft but on an overcrowded raft.

Agreed, "frigate" isn't redundant, but mentioning Medusa twice is. Likewise, overcrowded is new information vital to your portrayal, but once you've established the painting's raft-iness, the second mention of raft shouldn't be necessary.

Best of luck, anyway.

ErylRavenwell · Sep 13, 2007

Thank you for your feedback, Priene. Give me something to think about.

Dodgy sentences

ErylRavenwell

KTC

Stand in the Place Where You Live

KTC

Stand in the Place Where You Live

ErylRavenwell

ErylRavenwell

Julie Worth

What? I have a title?

ErylRavenwell

Priene

Out to lunch

Sunnyside

Sandi LeFaucheur

ErylRavenwell

Priene

Out to lunch

ErylRavenwell