What Would A Normal Person Do?

[C.bronco]

In the story there's a couple who have been together for many years. The husband still keeps in touch, mostly by phone, with a female childhood friend who he dated at one time prior to meeting the wife. How much time would he spend on the phone with her or visiting her before it becomes inappropriate?

[Little Red Barn]

Oh, IMO 2 min.

[sassandgroove]

erm - um- sort of spoiler alert---



? Have you read Wifey by Judy Blume? That happens. She finds out becuase she finds a letter, but she jumps to conclusions rather than talking to him about it. Is that a spoiler? Oh dear better put a warning...

Anyway, I am not sure how normal her reaction is. What is the wife like in your story? If it were me, I think I would not like it and would ask my husband to keep contact to a minimum. At the same time, it might be apparent that neither are interested in each other in "that way" and it would be okay. I guess it depends on what else is going on and the kind of contact.

[JoNightshade]

Um... I'm not an especially overprotective wife, but if my husband were spending ANY time alone with a woman he dated previously, I would find that objectionable.

If it's a childhood friend who happens to be there when the old gang gets back together, fine. If there's an occasional email or a phone call that's based on needing some information (maybe trying to track down another friend, looking for a number or address, etc.), and they chat for a while, that's fine. But I would not be okay with them just chatting on the phone because they're "friends."

[Roger J Carlson]

For me, the "having dated" thing would put the skids on it right there. A childhood friend whom he had always treated as a sister might be appropriate to have over for dinner with the family, but long, intimate conversations? I don't think so.

ETA: This all presupposes that I'm "normal", of course.

[C.bronco]

I never read Wifey.
Okay, the wife knows the friend, who has been to her house for dinner parties, usually bringing a date. An occasional call to or from the friend never bothered the wife before, but becuase of the plot, the calls become lengthier and more frequent. How much would it take, or how little would it take for the wife to lose her temper? I don't want her character to be psychotic, but I don't want her to be a pushover either.

[sassandgroove]

One lengthy phone call wouldn't be noticed, would it? But two or three or four, in a small amount of time, I'd notice. I'd probably seethe and hold it in and then snap and something unrelated, leaving my hubby wondering what the hell just happened. Are his calls getting longer becuase of other problems in the marriage? That would shorten the time it takes the wife to lose patience, I think.

[JoNightshade]

If I was the wife in your story, one lengthy call would be enough to have me asking questions. I mean, I do this anyway after my husband gets off the phone... I'm not naggy, I'm just curious. "Who was that? Oh, what did they say?" etc. If I asked any of these normal questions and my husband was reticent or avoided answering directly... then I would be like, "Okay, I need to know why you were talking to her."

Incidentally, all my hubby would have to say to get me to lay off is imply (or state) that it was a "surprise" and that I should be patient. I'm so curious that I have ruined several surprises, so if he says that I back off. :)

[III]

There could be other things too, that the husband thinks would be less "risky" like text messaging the other woman, and maybe the wife could discover the text messages.

[jennifer75]

In the story there's a couple who have been together for many years. The husband still keeps in touch, mostly by phone, with a female childhood friend who he dated at one time prior to meeting the wife. How much time would he spend on the phone with her or visiting her before it becomes inappropriate?

It became appropriate the moment you/him entered into the relationship with you/him.

On another note: This varies on the couple. ALOT of women and men would not, and will not have this sort of thing.

I wouldn't. My SO wouldn't have it. A lot of women I know wont stand for it. And a lot of men I know wont have for it.

Nobody want's an X in the picture. Regardless of the reason for seperation.

I don't.

[jennifer75]

I never read Wifey.
Okay, the wife knows the friend, who has been to her house for dinner parties, usually bringing a date. An occasional call to or from the friend never bothered the wife before, but becuase of the plot, the calls become lengthier and more frequent. How much would it take, or how little would it take for the wife to lose her temper? I don't want her character to be psychotic, but I don't want her to be a pushover either.

A normal woman would lose her temper after the first time, I think. Again, I may be the minority here. Grrrrrr.

[scarletpeaches]

I wouldn't stand for it, right from the off. I believe in emotional, as well as physical, fidelity and wouldn't put up with any deviation.

[lisamarie]

For me it would depend on if he told me about the calls. If I found out he was talking to her for an hour while I went grocery shopping, I wouldn't like that. I'd think he might have waited for me to leave.

An example, I am very close with my ex-husband and his wife. His wife and I are actually best friends. Once in while I call my ex-husband or email him about a computer problem or something. I always tell my husband that I talked to him, and usually tell his wife in passing conversation.

That probably didn't help you. Sorry.

[sassandgroove]

THe subject matter of the conversations has bearing, doesn't it?

[Del]

Isn't it a matter of trust? Isn't trust the entire foundation to a relationship?

There is no way I would tolerate my wife getting bent out of shape because I was innocently talking to a woman...and if it wasn't innocent then the marriage was already in jeopardy and the woman was only a reaction to some other problem.

But I am neither possessive or jealous. My wife can talk to whom ever she wants. If there was anything to worry about it would simply be done behind my back anyway. If she strays then I don't mean all that much to her and maybe she would be happier with someone else. If she doesn't stray then there was no need to worry.

I don't much believe in forcing a strained relationship. If I knew I made her miserable then I would vacate no matter how much I loved her. How can I be happy if she isn't?

[sassandgroove]

Wait- am I normal? Not sure if I can really answer this.

[pconsidine]

What Would A Normal Person Do?Why on earth are you asking that here?

[Anonymisty]

If I was the wife in your story, one lengthy call would be enough to have me asking questions.

What she said.

[JoNightshade]

Isn't it a matter of trust? Isn't trust the entire foundation to a relationship?

I'm not suspicious of my spouse, but I know he's human. He knows I'm human as well. And human beings make stupid, idiotic mistakes like thinking it's okay to chat with an ex for an hour. We consider it a mutual responsibility to watch out for one another-- not with distrust and paranoia, but with concern and love. My boss, a man, took me out to lunch. My husband asked questions about that, as I would expect. Not because he thinks I'm bad or doesn't trust me, but because he wants to make sure I'm not doing anything that would lead anywhere stupid and hurtful. And because I know he's doing it in love, I didn't get all defensive or hurt.

Generally I think that people who say "If you love me, you have to trust me 100%, no matter what it looks like I'm hiding from you!" are probably hiding something. Relationships should be open and honest, not blind.

Sorry, that was totally off topic. Please ignore me. :)

[sassandgroove]

I don't think it is off topic at all. You make very good points.

[scarletpeaches]

Isn't it a matter of trust? Isn't trust the entire foundation to a relationship?

Yes. And it, like respect and love, must be earned. If a spouse acts in a suspicious manner, that destroys trust.

There is no way I would tolerate my wife getting bent out of shape because I was innocently talking to a woman...

And there's no way I would tolerate my spouse (if I had one) 'innocently' talking to another woman and keeping it secret.

I don't much believe in forcing a strained relationship. If I knew I made her miserable then I would vacate no matter how much I loved her. How can I be happy if she isn't?

It's not about forcing anything. It's about respecting your partner enough to not even put those thoughts in their head, the suspicion that something might be going on.

Of course, some people are naturally jealous, but if it's in your power to put your spouse's mind at rest by ceasing secretive behaviour, why on Earth wouldn't you? I certainly would and I wouldn't take it as them being jealous, just deserving of respect and of me putting their peace of mind before my 'right' to opposite-sex friendships.

[Del]

Sorry, that was totally off topic. Please ignore me. :)

Ok, your ignored.




:D


Relationships should be open and honest, not blind.

What could be more open and honest then trust? If it isn't two way then it isn't trust. If it is blind it isn't trust.

Just to work this back on track, for the purpose of the book, NORMAL people are emotional and react, usually over react. If your story wife had reason to feel threatened then she would react on a fairly short visit/call. If she didn't feel threatened she wouldn't react at all -- but a Looong call might arouse suspicion, although then you would have to write it into multiple long calls I would think, increasing her suspicion accordingly.

[scarletpeaches]

To me, trust means you believe the other person wouldn't deliberately hurt you. And to get to that stage, they must have given you proof of this. Long phone calls to an ex wouldn't constitute proof.

[Del]

I'm sorry Peaches. It's over between us. I can't go on like this.

Of course, some people are naturally jealous, but if it's in your power to put your spouse's mind at rest by ceasing secretive behaviour, why on Earth wouldn't you? I certainly would and I wouldn't take it as them being jealous, just deserving of respect and of me putting their peace of mind before my 'right' to opposite-sex friendships.

But Bronco didn't say anything about secrets or suspicious activity. I took it to mean he was having an obvious phone call. Does she know he is on the phone? What he is saying? Or does she happen upon the the call in the bill?

There is a matter of method that needs disclosing to aptly contrive the situation.

[dahmnait]

I am not sure if my relationships are normal, but one of my best friends is someone I dated years ago. We went so far as to have *gasp* sexual relations before deciding that it wasn't there. That was actually the deciding factor. We had everything except the physical intimacy.

My boyfriend knows about the prior relationship. He has no problems if I have long conversations with my friend. It doesn't bother him that I tell my friend, "I love you." A few factors have made this a comfortable situation.

1.) I was completely honest about the relationship from the start. I made very sure that my bf was comfortable with the situation.

2.) I tell my boyfriend when I talk to my friend.

3.) I don’t make my conversations private when my boyfriend is around. I don’t take my calls to another room, and my bf can hear the entire conversation if he so desired.

Now, in this situation, if I was to start hiding the conversations, or if I was dropping everything to talk to, or be with, my friend, then I am sure my bf would have a problem. And rightly so. I think in the case of your story, any deviations from the norm would start to increase suspicion. How long it would take would depend upon whether or not she was ok with it from the start. Of course, any hint of increased intimacy in the husband's voice shoots her suspicion right up there.

On the other hand, if the wife knew nothing about a continued friendship between her husband and his ex, then it would only take one phone call.

ETA: I just thought of something. A lot of the situation would depend upon how close the husband was with his ex. If the husband and his ex were really close in their relationship, the current wife's suspicions would come on a lot faster. Even if she was previously ok with the friendship.

[reigningcatsndogs]

When he asks the wife to get a birthday present and card for the old girlfriend, and then totally forgets the wife's birthday or their anniversary? Would that be enough to annoy her?

[Melisande]

Isn't it a matter of trust? Isn't trust the entire foundation to a relationship?

There is no way I would tolerate my wife getting bent out of shape because I was innocently talking to a woman...and if it wasn't innocent then the marriage was already in jeopardy and the woman was only a reaction to some other problem.

But I am neither possessive or jealous. My wife can talk to whom ever she wants. If there was anything to worry about it would simply be done behind my back anyway. If she strays then I don't mean all that much to her and maybe she would be happier with someone else. If she doesn't stray then there was no need to worry.

I don't much believe in forcing a strained relationship. If I knew I made her miserable then I would vacate no matter how much I loved her. How can I be happy if she isn't?

I fully agree with this. My beloved Hubby is free to do whatever he wants, talk to whomever he wishes, and I honestly wouldn't think twice about it, had he had long conversations with an ex, even if it was in a different room. I would simply assume that she was in a need for a friend.

My boyfriend knows about the prior relationship. He has no problems if I have long conversations with my friend. It doesn't bother him that I tell my friend, "I love you." A few factors have made this a comfortable situation.

1.) I was completely honest about the relationship from the start. I made very sure that my bf was comfortable with the situation.

2.) I tell my boyfriend when I talk to my friend.

3.) I don’t make my conversations private when my boyfriend is around. I don’t take my calls to another room, and my bf can hear the entire conversation if he so desired.

This is such a good point. Honesty is essential when it comes to relations. Honesty, open-ness and trust.

I have no talent at all for jealusy and suspicion. I accept people; how ever they behave and whatever they do, is a part of them. It's not for me to judge.... I think that even within a relationship, one must be able to be completely free. Which of course does not mean that I would find it OK if my Hubby had an affair. He'd be slapped with the divorce-papers before he'd have time to say "I'm sorry". Thing is that I simply wouldn't be suspicious. Maybe it's stupid, but I know for a fact that I wouldn't do anything to make him distrust me, so why shouldn't I believe the same about him???

[girlyswot]

Well, we never actually dated, but I have a good male friend who once told me he was falling in love with me. I told him to get over it. Two years on, he's now married to someone else and expecting their first child.

For me, the important thing in maintaining my friendship with him was to also get to know his girlfriend/fiancee/wife. We've spent time together in a larger group of friends, and just the three of us, and me and her and so I think it's fine that I also spend some time just me and him. We have a common interest that she doesn't really share, so often we have long conversations about that which she doesn't mind not being part of. I don't think there's any fear or jealousy on her part and she's always welcomed me as part of her husband's life. Last year, when I moved to the US shortly after their marriage she told me she was sad that I wasn't going to be around as she moved to a new place where she knew few other people.

But I can quite see that if the ex/childhood friend is relatively unknown to the wife, and the friendship remains exclusively with the husband, that would be much more concerning.

[scarletpeaches]

I can't imagine wanting to be friends with an ex, and for the sake of my own emotional well-being, never mind that of a future lover! If someone's your ex, they're your ex for a reason, in the past, let it lie. I'm a person who thinks in the future, not the past.

But that's straying off topic...not like me at all. ;)

[MelodyO]

I dunno if this is normal or what, but my husband of 17 years and I trust each other implicitly, because we've never given each other reason not to. I exchange emails with an old high school boyfriend every once in a while, and DH doesn't even read them though they come to our mutual email address. OTOH, an old flame emailed me once to tell me he's now divorced and how am I doing these days? I didn't answer that one. I know where to draw the stupid line.

So...in summation :D, it all depends how strong the marriage is to begin with.

[scarletpeaches]

And how does a marriage get to be strong? Is it not by earning trust? One can't go into a relationship thinking, "Okay, I trust you implicitly." That would be foolhardy. Your S/O has to give you reason to trust him.

[Kate Thornton]

If they were together for a long time, then presumably they would know each other pretty well.

My DH & I have been together along time, like more than 30 years. If an old girlfriend showed up, he could talk his fool head off to her and I wouldn't mind. He could even have lunch with her and I wouldn't mind. If he wanted to have dinner with her, though, it would have to be at home with me.

We know each other pretty well - anyone he knew before me would be 30 years older than when he first knew her. And he's 30 years older, too. I don't think anything's gonna happen. I think a date with her would be inappropriate, gifts, etc. would be inappropriate and any outside activity to which I wasn't also invited - except lunch - would be inappropriate. Otherwise, we're both grownups. We talk to all kinds of other people for all kinds of reasons.

[Del]

And to get to that stage, they must have given you proof of this. Long phone calls to an ex wouldn't constitute proof.

This is a significant difference between us. I'll trust you until you prove you can't be trusted. Hell, I'll even give you opportunities to redeem yourself after that. What do I have to lose? If you're not worthy of trust, you're not worthy of hurting over.

I can't imagine wanting to be friends with an ex, and for the sake of my own emotional well-being, never mind that of a future lover!

You are excepting that every breakup that you will ever have will be hostile. Sometimes people just drift apart and go separate ways. My sister has been married to her third husband for 20 years. Her first husband visits, sometimes for a week (they live in different states). It isn't a triangle. It is a married couple entertaining a friend. Until someone puts the suspicion into the relationship it doesn't exist...it can't, or the relationship would never have started.

[Lyra Jean]

When he asks the wife to get a birthday present and card for the old girlfriend, and then totally forgets the wife's birthday or their anniversary? Would that be enough to annoy her?

It would totally piss me off and he would be hearing it from me. My suspicion meter would go way way up.

Now, I have guy friends and girl friends. I'm not currently in a relationship but when I am I tell my boyfriend that hey I have guy friends I hope you're okay with that. I don't mind that you have gal pals. If there is a problem then maybe we shouldn't be dating.

[Del]

That would be foolhardy. Your S/O has to give you reason to trust him.

Yes, perhaps. I've been thought a fool. The logic here is someone who earns your trust isn't absolutely trustworthy, maybe only cunning, but after the long relationship you insisted on to learn to trust you'll have a much greater fall. But to trust unconditionally quickly illuminates those that don't deserve it. I've been taken, sure. But they're only things. No one can take what's important to me because it isn't tangible. My long relationships I can absolutely trust because they have had opportunities to deceive from the start. Anyone can turn on you. It is the risk of friendship. But who is more likely to give themselves to you; the person you have always given your trust to, or the person you wouldn't trust until...?

A relationship is letting someone in. How can you if your guard is always up?

[Del]

If they were together for a long time, then presumably they would know each other pretty well.

My DH & I have been together along time, like more than 30 years. If an old girlfriend showed up, he could talk his fool head off to her and I wouldn't mind. He could even have lunch with her and I wouldn't mind. If he wanted to have dinner with her, though, it would have to be at home with me.

We know each other pretty well - anyone he knew before me would be 30 years older than when he first knew her. And he's 30 years older, too. I don't think anything's gonna happen. I think a date with her would be inappropriate, gifts, etc. would be inappropriate and any outside activity to which I wasn't also invited - except lunch - would be inappropriate. Otherwise, we're both grownups. We talk to all kinds of other people for all kinds of reasons.

This could be another contributing factor. How old is the marriage? I think after a while it might be too troublesome to switch partners even if the emotions have waned. But I've known young couples to fool around on each other. They haven't had the investment of years and the loss isn't that great...because if you're willing to destroy the commitment at that early stage, it probably wasn't there to start with.

[Sassee]

In the story there's a couple who have been together for many years. The husband still keeps in touch, mostly by phone, with a female childhood friend who he dated at one time prior to meeting the wife. How much time would he spend on the phone with her or visiting her before it becomes inappropriate?

Establish a norm. Once you do that, increase it. Anything above the norm is cause for suspicion. Depending on how trusting the wife is will give variance to the amount of change needed to justify suspicion.

That was an awesome wishy washy answer, wasn't it? ;)

[scarletpeaches]

...You are excepting that every breakup that you will ever have will be hostile...

No, not hostile. Just...once it's over, I move on. Even when I'm the one who's hurt. I've never wanted to be friends with an ex and I never will, because spending headspace on a man from my past detracts loyalty from a man in my future.

[scarletpeaches]

Deek's a law unto himself. I distance myself from his peach-based shenanigans, sir!

[Del]

No, not hostile. Just...once it's over, I move on. Even when I'm the one who's hurt. I've never wanted to be friends with an ex and I never will, because spending headspace on a man from my past detracts loyalty from a man in my future.

Fair enough. I guess I would go on a case by case basis. There are people in my past that I absolutely do not want to see again. But one of my old girlfriends took my wife and I under her wing. She got my wife a job where she worked and offered to let us stay at her place. They became good friends. I think if everyone can forgive the past there is always a future.

Some people are just worth holding on to.

[dahmnait]

Establish a norm. Once you do that, increase it. Anything above the norm is cause for suspicion. Depending on how trusting the wife is will give variance to the amount of change needed to justify suspicion.

That was an awesome wishy washy answer, wasn't it? ;)Judging from the responses here, that's not so wishy washy. :) As long as the norm is believable within the realm of the characters' personalities, the reader will believe the actions, even if they disagree.

[Monkey]

The circumstances around the calls are important.

If the husband usually talks to his friend while the wife is in the same room with him, but suddenly the calls "happen" to occur when she is away, that might arouse suspicion.

If the calls get lengthier at the same time, then the wife may get VERY concerned.

If she then asks about the calls and gets an obviously pat answer, or worse, an outright lie, she's probably going to want to kick him in the crotch.


Here's another thing to throw in the mix:
Who's POV are we talking? If it is the wife's, then your job is easy. You have the option of cheating. Simply choose words that imply guilt. If the husband "walks" into the other room it's no big deal, but what if he "slinks"? If the story is from the wife's POV, then your writing can easily make the husband look increasingly guilty by using increasingly guilt-implying words. (heh. I like making up terms. :) ) Then it will be no big surprise when she finally does blow up at him.

[Melisande]

A relationship is letting someone in. How can you if your guard is always up?

This is absolutely wonderful, and I completely agree.

Life does not come with a guarantee. In every moment we risk getting hurt. But that shouldn't mean that we should throw happiness away just because we are afraid of getting hurt. And fear of getting hurt is one of the quickest paths to unhappiness. And the funny thing is that we do it to ourselves, and then blame someone else for it.

I also think that the whole issue described in the original question has got to do with respect. To show trust and faith in one's partner, is to show respect, not only to one's partner, but also to oneself. It shows that one respects one's own judgement, and the self-respect of being sufficient, 'cause how is it possible to love someone else without loving oneself?

Love is not only giving. It is also receiving. And sometimes it is harder to receive love, because we (at least in the western world) are being taught that it's not 'fine' to receive; that it's better to give. But the most precious gift to give, is to receive with grace and generosity, and to accept one's friends and/or partner 100%. To accept with trust, respect and love.

Picture this; It's almost Christmas time and you are headed out to shop for gifts. You try to find the 'right' thing for your loved ones. You look forward to how pleased they will be with your generosity and ability to find that very item they so need.

You expect the receivers of your gifts to be grateful and appreciative, because that is really going to massage your ego, huh? Then picture that you receive something really crummy from the person you spent the most time and effort (and maybe even money) to please. Suddenly you don't feel so generous about the whole X-mas idea anymore, and you decide to put that inappropriate gift in a drawer somewhere. BUT, you keep your cool and thank the person anyway. You're being generous to that person. Why? Because you expected that person to be equally generous to your gift, and because you love that person.

And it's the same with relations. Sometimes we simply need to realize that it's a give-and-take everyday thing.

[Mike Martyn]

And how does a marriage get to be strong?........ .

On the occasion of my parents' 45 wedding anniversary at about the point my wife and I had been married ten years (with 4 children under the age of 8), I asked my father how he'd managed so long.

"Oh" he said. "The first fifteen years can be hard but after that it's inertia." He scratched his ass and had another beer.

Back to the original question, I can't imagine a man calling an ex girl friend on regular basis. Knowing the personalities of my daughter and daughter in law respectively, they'd both go volcanic if their spouses did something like that.

[Deirdre]

On another note: This varies on the couple. ALOT of women and men would not, and will not have this sort of thing.

I wouldn't. My SO wouldn't have it. A lot of women I know wont stand for it. And a lot of men I know wont have for it.

Nobody want's an X in the picture. Regardless of the reason for seperation.
Really?

I guess my husband and I talking about giving my former beau some $ when he was destitute is right out, then.

It's a long story, but we were both independently fb's friends.

I think hubby's had dinner with at least three of my former beaus. Maybe he needs a gold star.

The catch is, when my beaus are former, they're former, so I don't think hubby feels threatened by them. If he did, he's never said as much.

[Cassiopeia]

Yes. And it, like respect and love, must be earned. If a spouse acts in a suspicious manner, that destroys trust.



And there's no way I would tolerate my spouse (if I had one) 'innocently' talking to another woman and keeping it secret.



It's not about forcing anything. It's about respecting your partner enough to not even put those thoughts in their head, the suspicion that something might be going on.

Of course, some people are naturally jealous, but if it's in your power to put your spouse's mind at rest by ceasing secretive behaviour, why on Earth wouldn't you? I certainly would and I wouldn't take it as them being jealous, just deserving of respect and of me putting their peace of mind before my 'right' to opposite-sex friendships.

I am absolutely on your side with this one SP. It behooves a spouse to reassure the other.

Those who get indignant when questioned about a secretive "friend" deserve to have a dressing down. Trust is about being open. If it is so innocent, why is it being kept a secret? I have heard excuses like, "well I didn't want to upset you or make you worry."

Oh yes, sneak around, that makes me worry less.

*shakes her head*

[C.bronco]

I'm sorry Peaches. It's over between us. I can't go on like this.



But Bronco didn't say anything about secrets or suspicious activity. I took it to mean he was having an obvious phone call. Does she know he is on the phone? yes What he is saying? the spouse doesn't hear, but it seems like chit chat Or does she happen upon the the call in the bill? haven't determined that yet

There is a matter of method that needs disclosing to aptly contrive the situation.
There are so many different ways this sub-plot can go... varied degrees of duress. Thank you guys for all of this input!
(Also, it's the wife's POV.)

[scarletpeaches]

...But that shouldn't mean that we should throw happiness away just because we are afraid of getting hurt...

It's not about being afraid of getting hurt. It's about respecting myself enough to not put up with shoddy treatment or second-rate behaviour from the one person who's supposed to love me more than any other.

If I was with a man who behaved in secretive ways with an ex-girlfriend, I wouldn't be throwing happiness away. I'd be throwing away the cause of my unhappiness.

By throwing him out.

[C.bronco]

Establish a norm. Once you do that, increase it. Anything above the norm is cause for suspicion. Depending on how trusting the wife is will give variance to the amount of change needed to justify suspicion.

That was an awesome wishy washy answer, wasn't it? ;)
Actually that was a great answer, probably The answer. There's so much difference between what different couples consider reasonable, and where the comfort level lies.
Thanks again!

[sassandgroove]

And how does a marriage get to be strong? Is it not by earning trust? One can't go into a relationship thinking, "Okay, I trust you implicitly." That would be foolhardy. Your S/O has to give you reason to trust him.Well, I trusted my husband before we got married. So presumably, the trust would exist b/f the marriage, or there wouldn't be one.

[scarletpeaches]

Well yes. Perhaps I should have said 'relationship' as marrying someone before you had learned to trust them would be...well, daft.

[Cassiopeia]

I still can't get over that this question is being asked of us. I mean, how would we know what is normal or not? :D

[Mom'sWrite]

Strangely enough, this situation happened to my dad.

My dad is not a keep-in-touch kind of a guy though (he's called me probably three times in my entire adult life) but when an old girlfriend started calling, he started looking guilty when he hung up the phone. My mom was staying at her place in Chicago and the rest of us were at the house in Scottsdale so she didn't see the look on his face. I don't believe he ever called her but he did take her calls. One afternoon he tells me I have to go with him out to lunch (that's another thing he doesn't do, go out to lunch) He was as nervous as a cat in the car the whole time. Then she showed up.

My jaw must have hit the floor. Her's did too when she saw me sitting with my dad. She came out looking like Mae West in a shorter dress. It was so obvious that she intended to get some booty that afternoon from my quiet, unassuming dad. I drank all the beers my dad was buying and I laughed my ass off.

Only my dad would take his daughter along for protection on a booty call.

ETA: He told my mom everything and promised not to see her again but only after I told her about this sad, ridiculous woman who decided that her old boyfriend would make a dandy new husband.

[sassandgroove]

THanks for sharing.

[C.bronco]

I still can't get over that this question is being asked of us. I mean, how would we know what is normal or not? :D
That's my dilemma! LOL

[Del]

That's my dilemma! LOL

The solution is obvious. Take what we have said and do the opposite.

[WendyNYC]

I've been married for 11 years now and I would probably find it inappropriate if my husband spoke to a female childhood friend more than once every 6 weeks or so. If they had something going, they would talk more often.

[dahmnait]

The solution is obvious. Take what we have said and do the opposite.
LOL...take what who said?

[Del]

LOL...take what who said?

There are 60 posts in this thread. Someone MUST have said something.