Looking for a word...

Doogs · Aug 29, 2007

Ugh. This one's giving me fits. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd be much obliged.

[FONT=&quot]They reached the main body of the fleet late that afternoon. Hundreds of ships, sleek, lethal quinquiremes and wide, ungainly transports, lay anchored off the mouth of the Rhone, their hulls silhouetted against the _______ sun.

[/FONT]I don't want to use "setting", as the sun is still a good ways above the horizon (maybe an hour and a half before sunset). Nor do I want to use "late afternoon". I need another word, but I can't find one for the life of me. Any ideas?

Azraelsbane · Aug 29, 2007

descending? sinking? Sorry...that's all I got. I woke up 3 minutes ago. I'll think about it some more after my first Dr. Pepper.

btw...both of those sound crappy in that sentence, lol. Sorry.

Talamascan · Aug 29, 2007

waning, retreating, retiring

Devil Ledbetter · Aug 29, 2007

Salmon. It's more descriptive, and the sun is that color only when it's sinking.

NeuroFizz · Aug 29, 2007

This all depends on what you want to convey in the phrase. If you want to convey time-of-day (sun higher in the sky), the silhouette will have to be from a visual point of view from water level and close in to the ships. If it is a distance shot (which you suggest since you "see" the entire fleet), there will be no silhouette from a sun that is still high in the sky. If you are just trying to get out some poetic language, don't work too hard. Just take out the blank and say they were silhouetted by the sun. I get the feeling this word is not a critical one in the sentence, so consider it a place to tighten your writing.

CaroGirl · Aug 29, 2007

How about orange? Unless you're looking to create a rhyme.

maestrowork · Aug 29, 2007

My gut feeling is to just use "sun." There are quite a few adjectives in that sentence already: sleek, lethal, wide, ungainly... Personally I don't think any adjective describing the sun is necessary.

If anything... if you want to add a vivid image, try a simile or metaphor. Or just a very simple "silhouetted against the falling sun" or "against the orange sun."

allenparker · Aug 29, 2007

how bout

water-kissed.

maestrowork · Aug 29, 2007

"Half"?

julie thorpe · Aug 29, 2007

I seem to remember seeing the word 'westering' used in that context. I rather like the sound of it.

Bufty · Aug 29, 2007

Difficult with such a short extract, but I doubt you'd see anything 'silhouetted against the sun'.

CaroGirl · Aug 29, 2007

Bufty said:
I doubt you'd see anything 'silhouetted against the sun'.

Ah but you do. When an object is place in front of a bright light source, that IS a silhouette. The features of the object are thrown into shadow and only the outline can be seen. This image does actually work.

Ziljon · Aug 29, 2007

blazing

maestrowork · Aug 29, 2007

I think what Bufty might have meant was that "silhouetted against the sun" is rather a cinematic device -- one that is achieved by camera magic. But in real life, you can't see anything "against" the sun. You can't even look directly at the sun, even when it's setting.

Bufty · Aug 29, 2007

Maestro's right - that's what I meant. Try it.

One could say one arrived at the main fleet anchorage shortly before sunset, shielded one's eyes and looked out to/across/whatever/the sea and saw the silhouettes of the various warships/vessels etc., The mention of silhouettes 'against anything' wouldn't need explaining in that scenario.

CaroGirl · Aug 29, 2007

Hm, true. If the sun is still bright enough to force you to shield your eyes, you wouldn't be able to look at anything "silhouetted against" it. You can look directly at the sun when it's on the horizon, though. It shines through enough atmosphere to prevent eye damage.

Bufty · Aug 29, 2007

Don't want to become picky, but in the scenarion in the OP, if I shield my eyes it's so I can shut out the not yet set sun and see the silhouettes, but the silhouettes are against the lower horizon sky, not the sun.

(Think I'll go to my cabin and have a shot of rum, then see the fleet in the morning!! :Hug2:

)

NeuroFizz · Aug 29, 2007

Once again, how important is it to describe the sun in this passage, or this scene?

JamieFord · Aug 29, 2007

They reached the main body of the fleet late that afternoon. Hundreds of ships, sleek, lethal quinquiremes and wide, ungainly transports, clustered off the mouth of the Rhone, their hulls silhouetted against the sun which lay anchored on the horizon.

(I moved anchored to give the sun a more nautical descriptor).

Koobie · Aug 29, 2007

maestrowork said:
My gut feeling is to just use "sun." There are quite a few adjectives in that sentence already: sleek, lethal, wide, ungainly... Personally I don't think any adjective describing the sun is necessary.

I second that.

scribbler1382 · Aug 29, 2007

Not to pick nits, but the hulls are IN the water.

"...their decks awashed with the diminishing sun."

"...their decks painted an impossible gold by the waning sun."

"...their decks appearing like colorless, two-dimensional cutouts against the low-slung sun."

josephwise · Aug 29, 2007

Kneeling. Retiring. Collapsing. Exhausted. Retreating. Yawning. Drooping. Heavy. Blinking. Oblivious. Tattered. Fragile.

Man, I could go on and on. Most of these don't exactly mean "setting" but imply it's headed for bed.

maestrowork · Aug 29, 2007

The more I think about it, the more I really think just "sun" is good enough. It sounds good with the rest of your prose, and it's direct. If these ships are set against the sun at sea, you know it's either rising or setting -- not need to elaborate on that. Give it context, you're good to go.

Doogs · Aug 29, 2007

Goodness! A lot to reply to!

Thank you all for your suggestions - I think I'm favoring 'westering' or 'waning' for the moment. Both convey that the sun is well past its zenith, but not yet on the horizon.

"silhouetted against the sun" is rather a cinematic device -- one that is achieved by camera magic. But in real life, you can't see anything "against" the sun. You can't even look directly at the sun, even when it's setting.

True. Cameras have a limited dynamic range as compared to the human eye, so in a situation such as this, they would either capture the detail of the sky and throw the ships into shadow, or capture the ships and wash out the sky.

But...picture the scene. Approaching the ships from the east, with the sun maybe 15 or so degrees off the horizon. Between the sun and the bounce off the water, the ships would certainly be backlit (and, from a distance, difficult for the eye to isolate from the brighter sky and the glare off the water). That is the image I'm going for.

Once again, how important is it to describe the sun in this passage, or this scene?

Not terribly. But I'm still playing around with the scene, seeing what fits and what doesn't. The mention of the fleet anchored off the Rhone was originally placed in an earlier section, but cuts dictated it be moved (can't remove it completely, as it has bearing on the story).

Memnon624 · Aug 29, 2007

How about this?

They reached the main body of the fleet late that afternoon. Hundreds of ships, from sleek quinquiremes to fat-bellied transports, lay anchored off the mouth of the Rhone, their decks afire in the setting sun.

ETA: Hmmm . . . that last part still doesn't quite work . . .

Scott

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